Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.
Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.
- I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
- Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
- I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
- I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.
Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.
This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.
Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x