AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

Fingers crossed she manages to help you out with these difficulties! X

I hear you. It sounds like you haven’t been properly heard, and that hurts, and feels quite hopeless. I don’t always blame doctors or psychiatrists for this, because I think they may be limited in their time. Psychiatrists less so, but GPs only really get 10 mins at a time with you. It takes, weeks, months, years to truly get to know and understand someone. I see why it’s disheartening to be passed around by therapists in your experience with the eating disorders team.

Therapy and healthcare is relational, it’s based on that therapeutic relationship, that is usually what allows someone to feel safe so that the healing can take place ❤️‍🩹

The psychiatrist you highlighted there sounds like they’ve misunderstood you quite significantly.

From your post though, it sounds like you do enjoy your own company, and sometimes it’s about building the right friendships with people. Am I right?

What do you think is contributing to you feeling so upset and tearful at the moment? Are there any particular triggers, or any stressors in your life atm?

That was where these issues with abandonment began. I wasn't that bothered before. If someone left, it was just life and I carried on as usual. I was devastated to be moved therapists. Not just because I was being moved, but more because it was only me and I got no explanation, no proper transition, no goodbye, I just went to a session and was told that was it. I asked and asked why, but the answer was always "because that's been decided for you"

The first psychiatrist diagnosed me with an 'unexplained depressive episode'
The second diagnosed me with Anorexia (correct!)
Third one told me I had unexplained suicidal thoughts
Fourth one told me I had depression and anxiety
The fifth told me I had Bipolar, started me on meds, I felt better and then told me I didn't have it, stopped my meds and discharged me. Also told me I had to go to a personality disorder clinic, which never materialised.
The one I highlighted above said it was 'blindingly obvious' that psychiatry couldn't help me.

I do like my own company, but only because I can not be hurt. If I'm alone, nobody can leave. Friends are difficult to make. I don't like leaving my house, but I also don't like people in my house. I made some beautiful friends in the eating disorder unit. It was me and them two. We were always called the "troublesome trio"
They're now both dead, one being 2 years ago, the other 11 years ago. I'm the only one left.

I'll try and explain this, but I KNOW it's not rational, it's not right, it's not fair and it'll never happen.

In my head, if someone goes on maternity leave, it's because they've got something better than me. Everything and everyone is better than me. I am a temporary fix in their lives until something better comes along and then I dont matterany more. When they leave, I don't understand WHY they can't come and see me still because they could, but they CHOOSE not to. They COULD bring their baby, they COULD have someone look after the baby, they COULD call me, but they choose not to do these things. They choose to leave me with nothing and nobody, whilst their baby, who is surrounded by love and care, isn't left with anyone. They'll leave me for months on end, but won't leave their baby for an hour a month to see me.
It is a horrible, cruel, spiteful way to think and I NEVER voice this to anyone. I never would do that because I know exactly how wrong, vile and repulsive it is. I also know that in life, I am nothing to these people. I am just someone they see in their work and that's it.

It does feel personal and I do think that's because of something that happened when I was in the eating disorder unit. My therapist saw me and three others, however, when she went on maternity leave, she maintained the relationship via video call with the other 3, but not me. The reason I was given was that they had 'a stronger bond as she'd seen them for longer'

I don't think it helps that I've always wanted to be a mother. I would give anything in the world to have a child, but I know that'll never happen and I have to accept that. The reasons being:

1. I am PETRIFIED of men. I avoid them at all costs. I will see some men in a professional capacity but others I won't. I'll see a male doctor, but never a male dentist. I would never be alone with one either, I always need a chaperone.
2. I've had endless therapy to work on that, but it isn't successful. I've been told that how I am now around men (better than I was) is likely as good as it'll get.
3. I couldn't afford any kind of fertility treatments anyway, so that'll never happen.

I was doing well. I was eating at least 1 meal a day and multiple snacks throughout. Now, the thought of food makes me feel sick. I cannot believe I'm back here again. I'm actually angry and disappointed in myself. I KNEW this could happen, so really, I have nobody else to blame but myself.

I am a parent so I can get why they wouldn't leave the baby at a young age in childcare or without them.

I'm sorry you're hurting but many people can't leave a newborn or even slightly older baby without their mother especially for an hour, and if they do it for you they'd have to do it for everyone else too, they can't make one exception.

I'm not having ago, my DD is 12 and I have left her alone for short periods at home but I'd never leave to go to another town (unless she's with her dad) as it's just unsafe.

I do hope the therapist comes back after Maternity Leave as that would be good for you to see people don't just leave, but please don't expect her to leave a tiny baby to see you.

I definitely don't expect it and I totally understand that it cant and shouldn't happen. I was explaining how my head sees things.

I understand that none of that is logical, it's just how I instantly see things.

I totally understand. I’ve lost my psychiatrist and I’ve been referred to another one but I seem to be completely unable to book an appointment as I don’t want to see anyone else. It’s completely illogical as it will cause me catastrophic issues with my sick leave if I don’t get regular psychiatric reviews but I can’t make myself do it. I just want him back as he looked after me.

You have such insight into why you behave and feel the way you do. You genuinely seem like a kind and intelligent woman and I’m so desperately sorry that you are not able to harness your longing for a child to make the changes in your life for that to happen. Do you know why that is?

"if they do it for you they'd have to do it for everyone else too, they can't make one exception"

"My therapist saw me and three others, however, when she went on maternity leave, she maintained the relationship via video call with the other 3, but not me. The reason I was given was that they had 'a stronger bond as she'd seen them for longer'"

The point above is EXACTLY my point. It was done to me and that is precisely why (not logically) in my head, things like this can appear unfair because in the past, it HAS been unfair. I could never understand why she maintained the relationship with others but not me. What's wrong with me? Am I THAT repulsive that she couldn't wait to get away from me? These are things that go through my head whenever someone leaves.

None of that is logical, I'm aware of that, I know none of this is right, as I said, I've never voiced any of these thoughts and I never ever would. I would never expect someone to leave their baby for me. I know that can't happen. I am, in all honesty, disgusted in myself for these thoughts even entering my head. I would do anything in the world to not think like this.

I hope that makes some sort of sense to others. I'm not sure I've put it right, but I'm just trying to help you understand my point x

I get that. It's almost as if you know you should see someone else, but you just can't because you know they're not that person. They could be just as good, if not, better, but that doesn't matter - they are not them.
Do you have to book the appointment? Or do they contact you with one?
I just want him back as he looked after me.
I can completely understand that. I feel the same about my therapist and it hurts to know that she's going to look after someone else (whether that's a baby or another client)

I have a severe, long term phobia of men. I've had therapy for it and I'm now at a place where it's a good as it'll get. I don't trust them in the slightest. That's not specific men, that's all men. That's part of why I work from home. It's also part of why I don't leave my house. I can see male doctors with a chaperone, but I'd never see a male dentist. I would never let one in my home, unless they have a female with them.
Due to this, I'll never be in a relationship with one, so I'd not be able to get pregnant.
I also know I'd never be able to afford any assisted fertility treatments, so that's also out of the question.
For me, that leaves me with no purpose. I have no actual reason to get better, gain weight etc.

How are you doing? X

Sorry I didn't mean to come across as having ago.

The problem with anxiety is it's often illogical. I know myself. You know what you're thinking isn't right or fair but you still think it.

I've had it myself, where my MH practitioner did something small and with no consequence to me (think changed her hair or similar) and I spent months wondering what she was hiding. I knew it was illogical, and it was nothing to do with me but still I couldn't get the thought of it out of my head.

I never told her either.

I honestly didn't think you were, I just wanted to try and explain the best I could!
It's so difficult for others to understand how I think.

How are you doing?

I feel like your diagnosis doesn't cover everything hamandcrisp.

I am not a medical professional and no way qualified and of late, I've got my own diagnosis wrong when self diagnosing but if I will share my experience so that you can decide whether any of it relates to you.

I don't want to give specific information here as I want to remain anonymous.

I am an older lady ( not yet of retirement age).

I grew up in an abusive and neglectful household. I have had some terrible things said to me, been physically assaulted, ridiculed, mocked and emotionally neglected.

I have received diagnosis of anxiety, depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety in the past.

In the past 5 years I have received a diagnosis of complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). I feel at last my condition has been recognised. It has not changed my state of mind as such but it feels a far better label for what I have experienced and given me some validation. I would suggest at the very least this could apply to you. You have been traumatised without a doubt.

Recently, I went for a neurodiversity assessment believing I had ADHD. I have been informed that this is not a fundamental issue for me but I do have strong indicators of autism and I am guessing there will be some overlap.

I have strong rejection sensitivity and severe abandonment issues and also issues with attachment. I fear being on my own. I suspect this is because it ignites my sensitivity to rejection/abandonment/attachment. Not only did I have an awful time in my home growing up, I was also ostracized at school.

I have also become attached to therapists in the past who have suddenly left. You trust someone with your inner most thoughts then they leave and this is hugely difficult. They are working in effect. But it can feel more than that almost like a deep friendship due to the profound sharing of your innermost thoughts and feelings.

I do have children. However, the prospect of not having children when you want them but can't have them can cause profound grief (I understand but don't want to elaborate here), The fact that we were not cared for as children can cause profound grief. Perhaps we are longing for that caregiver that never was, that should have been. I was wondering what to do with that today. I struggle with the prospect of taking care of myself, it doesn't come naturally.

The longing for connection can be intense. If a neurodiversity is at play, it can further exasperate issues (I have often felt like I'm looking through glass trying to be a part of but not quite ever getting there). I would suggest having a neurodiversity ruled in or out. The friendships I am developing are with others who are neurodiverse and I don't think this is a coincidence.

I haven't got any answers. I will probably always have to live with anxiety and depression. I am about to complete a course of EMDR. Anything to try and alleviate the angst I find myself living with.

I am a deep thinker. I have turned to writing and books for salvation. I have using writing to try and help me navigate my difficulties. More recently, I have shared some of my writing by reading aloud to others. I have made people cry with my writing, somehow, sometimes, people identify. And others will identify with you. Such a lonely place to be, I get it. I am so sorry this is happening to you. If I lived near, I would walk in nature with you and gently chat. It is something I very much enjoy.

Would you need fertility treatment or just a sperm donor and a turkey baster?

Hello,
I completely agree with you. I do think theres more going on than what I'm diagnosed with. I have said it for years, but it's reached a point now where I can't be bothered. I keep repeating myself for no reason.
It doesn't matter what I say, it feels like my words aren't heard.

I do have severe abandonment issues to the point where if someone leaves, I'll just shut myself away. In this current situation, I am furious at myself for not learning my lesson beforehand and allowing myself to get to this point.

I take very little care of myself. I stay inside my home, so, to me, I don't need to, because nobody will see me. I feel like the world is too big for me. I don't think that makes sense, but I feel like there's too much in the world for someone like me to have a place.

You write so beautifully - I hope you are doing well x

I don't have any reason to believe I'd need fertility treatments, so I assume just a donor would be fine!

Does that seem like a feasible goal to aim towards, as having children is so important to you?

OP you sound lovely and I really feel for you. I'm going to make a suggestion, don't know if it's helpful or not. I think the NHS, especially MH services, can be a bit "computer says no". It also operates in silos for different conditions, so if you have multiple or complex conditions it can feel like you're being passed around. This is no good for MH conditions where the therapeutic relationship is so important. I've seen/heard this many times, it's not due to some failing on your part, it's just the system.

I know you've said you're happy to be alone but it's clear from how much you miss your therapist that having some key human relationships is beneficial for you. I know it's very easy to just say "join a group". But I've done some (limited) work in the past with community wellbeing organisations in my city that are set up for exactly this purpose - to provide a community hub for people who are vulnerable in some way and need some support and warmth in their lives more than they need medical treatment. The services I worked with were very much built on a model of providing a range of options, not saying "you must do this", and slowly building relationships with people. These options ranged from classes (cooking, life skills, gardening etc) to specific support services (stop smoking, counselling etc) and drop ins, tea and cake, walking etc.

The people attending were "vulnerable" for a variety of reasons - e.g. some were well-educated and self-sufficient but became lonely due to e.g. being a carer or their spouse dying.

I just wonder if making yourself try something like this would give you a "back up" so you're less reliant on a therapist and less scared of them leaving. The staff at our centres did say sometimes people will come along, then leave, then come back in a year - it was very much a case of being there for when people are ready. If you try it and don't like it, you can always try a different thing at a later date. And no silly rules that you can't join based on your BMI or whatever.

Something to think about anyway.

Here's some examples of services from my city. Not suggesting these are local to you! But just so you get the idea. Some of the staff were lovely and really understanding of the different circumstances people can find themselves in and how to help them.

https://www.stwilfridscentre.org/services-and-activities

https://stmarys-church.co.uk/whats-on/activities/

https://www.sheffieldmentalhealth.co.uk/services/zest

I understand, I do. I used to be so convinced people would leave me that I stopped getting attached, so when they inevitably go I am not upset. It has made things incredibly difficult in other ways for me, it's made friendships and professional relationships difficult, to the point my housing officer and MH practitioner where showing me they'd extended their employment contracts and that I still lived within their catchment/patch so they could still see me. They didn't promise they'd stay but they did promise that while their life remains as is now they will stay. It didn't reassure me, but I am slowly trusting them.

I'm doing ok, managed to get out today and ended up babysitting for a friend, for free of course, but I did take advantage of the fact she has Guinea Pigs who love a cuddle. Friends DD was playing on her tablet for the entire time, so I had Guinea Pig cuddles - my friend is fine with me handling them.

That made me feel better.

It does, however, for me, it would have to be fully planned beforehand.
The reason being I gained a significant amount of weight once, when a psychiatrist told me if I did, they'd offer me treatment. I tried SO hard, gained some (not my full weight) and as soon as I reached the goal they'd set for me, I was discharged.

That has never, ever left me and now, I want do anything, even if its for me, unless it is fully planned out. Maybe it's something I could think about.

How are you doing? x

Hello,

Thank you so much. You're right, I do miss her very, very much.
I did look into some near me before actually, but there was a criteria unfortunately.
I will definitely have a look again and see what's about.
Most of them where I live have a criteria, but I can only look again and see. I did a gardening scheme before, but I can't do that again because I've already done it.

Perhaps I will think about going to the library where I live. That might be a nice idea.

I do very much appreciate all of your suggestions and they are something I am looking into trying. I just need to build up the courage to actually step out of my front door first.

How are you doing?

It does make aspects of life very difficult.
Although I have the same GP every time I go, I still don't believe she will stay.
I am adamant she's planning to leave but doesn't want to tell me, so she'll just go, which is why I keep my distance. She's lovely, has been there MANY years and is unlikely to go anywhere any time soon, but in my head, she's either going to move house or get a new job elsewhere.

I never call the surgery to make an appointment because I always think they'll tell me she's gone, so she calls me every few weeks. If she didn't, I'd easily fall under the radar.

Guinea pig cuddles sound lovely. I've never actually held a Guinea pig before - I have a hamster when I was very young though. It sounds like you had a lovely day, getting out, seeing your friends DD and having cuddles with the Guinea pigs. I can imagine that would make many people smile.

I hope you're still smiling x

There is a useful quote by the Dalai Lama which says:

'If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.'

It would be genuinely helpful to find a way to stop obsessively thinking so much about you and what others think of you.

Honestly, finding a way to regularly help someone else is the absolute best shortcut to genuine joy and may help with your own self-opinion.

Find something you can commit to regularly in the community or a charity and this will help you refocus your mind and give you some new purpose

Hopefully you didn’t mean it that way but this comes across as quite judgemental.
I think @Hamandcrispsandwich alreadiy has caring responsibilities, not sure if that is her job or personally, so she already helps others.

ClassyJen
I do understand your sentiment about helping others. It's something I'm considering myself but it isn't that straightforward unfortunately.
It sounds as if Hamandcrisp already does some kind of caring work.
I did too for a while and it can feel rewarding and yes ham, I also had individuals who would hurl abuse at me though thankfully not frequently.
Its so very hard when you feel like no-one cares for you. Giving and more giving. And quite often the most difficult people to care for are ourselves.

Hello,

Yes I do have caring responsibilities, both as part of my job as well as in my personal life. The majority of my life is spent caring for others. It is rewarding, however, I got a whole load of abuse from an ex client again today (the same one I mentioned in my OP) which I expected, but wasn't prepared for the vicious words thrown at me. Due to this, I'm now in a position where I don't want to leave my house again, at all, due to fear of bumping into them again.

I am someone who avoids confrontation. I will do ANYTHING to avoid an argument. If someone starts one with me, I just stand there. I don't do anything. If someone hit me, I probably wouldn't do anything either. I don't defend myself or anything. I just freeze.

I don't really do much to care for myself. I'll occasionally eat, but I can't think of anything else I do regularly for myself. I do like caring for others, which is something I've always enjoyed, since I was very young.

How is everyone doing? I hope everyone is well x