AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

I get it, the relationship you have with your therapist is pretty unique. Ending it needs careful handling - while she can commit to working with you, life brings its changes. She was very silly to promise never to leave, because realistically that’s just not possible for any therapist.

Is she currently pregnant, visibly so? If so there needed to be a conversation about what would happen when the baby comes as most people will take some kind of maternity leave beyond the statutory leave.

I understand you having complicated feelings about her leaving for something that isn’t part of your future, and for something “better”. This really isn’t a decision that’s about you, how likeable you are, how worthy you are of care or indeed how much she cares about you. It’s a work decision for her and, very gently, you’re part of her working life.

You don’t know that the new person doesn’t want you, they will be able to start afresh taking the learning you’ve had with this therapist into your new working relationship which may start with your feelings about your current person leaving.

I know it’s hard, I have a lot of empathy for how you’re feeling, but it’s really not about you.

What would happen if you just stopped trying to get validation from others, or therapists? How about you just focused on what you enjoy - like your favourite food and drink, and just chilling out watching a film? Stop trying to analyse everything, and just "be". Would having a pet help?

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering like this. It must be very hard.

One thing you don't mention though, is medication. Are you taking any to help with depression and anxiety? Would it be worth a trip to the GP to ask for some, or if you are, to ask them to re-evaluate your dosage?

I don't enjoy anything. The only thing I have in my life was this. These monthly sessions gave me the motivation to carry on, get up every day, make food, eat it etc. I know none of this is about me and I know I sound awfully selfish, but I don't mean too. I do know I'm nothing beyond a part of her working life, but this was my life. She is leaving next month. We have 1 session left and that's it.
I take sertraline. I have a very complex history with mental health medication, but my dosage can't be adjusted as it has to go by my weight and it's (potentially) more than someone my weight would take, but psychiatrists previously agreed it was fine, but it can not be increased.

I'm so sorry you are struggling so badly and you've been dealt another blow.

Unfortunately, you seem to develop a dependent relationship with your counsellor and that can't happen. It is unhealthy to do so. Your counsellor shouldn't be your life hanger. They are there to support and to help you towards being able to support yourself at some point.

It's a vicious circle. You face challenges in life which means you need a 'saviour' to help you through these, but then you become dependent and that leads to more challenges and that's not healthy.

I'm not allowed pets where I live unfortunately and if I could, I don't think it would be fair to bring an animal (or any living being!) into my life when I can barely care for myself.

Op, I get what you are saying. I used to feel the same way about people/relationships, but unfortunately it is just part of life that people will come and go, no one stays around forever.

Your therapist is that, your therapist, and this is her work. You can’t be so dependent on one person especially when it’s her job. Have you got someone in your life you could confide in, friend or family member?

Okay, I have no training or experience of what you describe, but the thing that stands out for me is that you can't make one person (your therapist, in this case), the key to your happiness and equilibrium, because if you do you will always end up being let down. Why? Because people have their own lives and they will make decisions about their lives that will impact you if you are this dependent on them. As you rightly recognise, you are just one patient to your therapist - her relationship with you is entirely professional - and her 'real life' is the one she lives outside work. I appreciate that you say you have nothing else, but that is a really unhealthy way to be and it keeps letting you down, doesn't' it?! You're devastated time and again when your therapist leaves or passes you onto a colleague because they feel they've done all they can and perhaps a new person with a new perspective will be able to help you more.

The key here is to learn to rely on yourself, to build your relationship with yourself, to become more self-sufficient, that way you won't constantly be at the mercy of other people just living their lives and doing what is best for them. No one should be dependent for their happiness on the actions of another person, because it leaves them incredibly vulnerable. You are always going to be unable to control the actions of others, so it really is best to find, work on and then have those inner resources within yourself. And that's true for all of us, whoever we are and whatever our situations are in life

Hello OP. I want to say that I do understand how devastated you feel. The one thing that you’ve relied on to carry you through is being changed. I do understand and I think that PPs who have challenged you anbout how you feel are not helping you in your immediate crisis.

There is something practical that can help you, if you are prepared to put in the work.

A psychologist called James Pennebaker has found that when people spent 4 to 5 days writing around 4 pages a day about a trauma or pain, including deepest thoughts that you might never have never shared with anyone at all, this provides a practical and almost immediate reduction in symptoms and distress. This is true even though doing the writing sometimes makes people cry.

This is a short-term measure, it’s not the same as long-term journalling, though you might in the long run find that helps, too.

This sounds simple, but research has shown that it does work and it certainly won’t do any harm.

I do hope that you come out of this stronger and calmer. You are going through a tough time and I wish you well.

I would never want her to have a shit life to make me feel better. I honestly don't mean any harm. I know how incredibly selfish I sound. I just feel so lost and broken and didn't know where else to turn. I don't have anyone in my life, so I posted here, but maybe I shouldn't have.
This thread clearly wasn't a good idea.

I'm sorry for any upset I caused.

I love James Pennebaker, and that particular exercise is so powerful. He suggests setting aside 20 minutes each day, at the same time and same place if possible and writing every thought or feeling about the situation. It does help take the power out of the feelings and if you look across the 5 days you see changes in the words you use and the strength behind them. It’s so worth doing.

I don't know what job you have that allows clients to abuse it's staff members. Presumably the customer didn't get what they wanted which is why they got angry, and some people get nasty when they're drunk. That's why they insulted you not because you're a bad or awful person.

Keep that in mind, that it's the customer and their behaviour that's disgusting not you.

💐

This board AIBU is known on MN for being a bit brutal and unsympathetic at times.
If you want a better and kinder response, start a new post on the Mental health board or the Relationships board.

No-one can be that special person who never abandons you, except yourself. The only long-term solution is to trust yourself, love yourself, parent yourself, care for yourself, and be-there for yourself.

I got told by my boss to offer this client something (at no additional cost) as we had some to give away and that's what caused it.
They said although they understood I'd gone above and beyond for them, I was now going "overboard"
I wouldn't have minded if they'd just said no, but it's done now. I only included that incase that was adding to how I currently feel. Thank you for your kindness x

I will give this a go, I'm not very good with writing, but I will give it a try.
Thank you for your kindness x

OP we are all, when it really comes down to it, alone. We can only inhabit our own bodies and brains.

I wonder why you are so dependant on others to validate your existence? In life we meet people, a very few are with us for a long time, most relationships are temporary. Lots of people will hurt you, intentionally or inadvertently.

Does nothing give you joy? Walking in the countryside, gardening, painting or drawing, looking at Art etc etc

We dont exist for a long time and while you never asked to be here, what stops you from enjoying aspects of Life?

Do try writing and journalling, it's really helpful and long term it helps give you new perspectives too so it's not just cathartic, it goes deeper than that.
And let me just say you actually write extremely well: you are clear and eloquent and your writing has meaning and structure, so it's something you're already objectively good at as well as it being subjectively helpful.

I resonate with a lot of what you say. Also I had, many years ago, a therapist who stopped working and I felt completely broken by it.
And then recently- probably 40 years later - I was doing therapy again and my therapist said he was leaving the town I live in, he told me because I was discussing having a break and returning and he was letting me know the returning bit might not be possible. And, much as I really love working with him and have a great bond, this time I was fine. Not delighted but fine. I have something now inside me that I didn't have back then and that I have somehow grown almost without noticing that it happened
So please hang in there. And write. And know that, whatever you and your life look like, you matter just as much as anyone else. 💐

I had a horrible father and the psychiatrists I have seen previously think it could be where all of these issues I have stem from. If I didn't make him "happy" he would disappear. If I fell out with a friend, he would tell me I was cruel, evil, shouldn't exist, I should apologise to people as they had to 'look at my repulsive face' he told me I'd never be happy because of who I was, I would spend life alone as nobody would want me, if someone (e.g a dentist) had to see me, they'd always make sure they passed me on to someone else the next time because I'm a piece of shit.

The only thing I can think that could bring me slight joy is going to sleep and that's because I can't feel anything then. I can't be upset, hurt etc. I don't enjoy food, drinks, socialising. I don't really like leaving my house if I'm honest. I often feel as if I'm watching myself, I'm not actually me, if that makes sense. I don't remember the last time I enjoyed being alive if I'm honest, but I've spent alot of time in hospital or medicated, so that could also be why.

It’s not about being good at writing I assure you. It is purely and simply about writing your pain down. Do this for no more than 5 days: there are reasons for that restriction.

Just commit to it and do it!

You’re not alone xx

Do you have any outside space in your flat? There was a study done a while ago that even just caring for a houseplant can make a difference. This was about depressed and isolated elderly people, so perhaps not too relevant to you. Have you been able to try a community garden or a gardening for mental health scheme?

Thank you. You're very kind. I am pleased you managed to come out the other side and I hope you are thriving in life now.
I don't expect people to fully understand my feelings. I didn't mean to sound nasty or selfish and I truly am thrilled for her, I really really am.
But at the same time, I'm broken and I don't want to be. I don't want to feel like this at all, I wish I could say "congratulations" (which I did!) Come home and just carry on as normal.
I do understand that I am dependent on her. I've said it many, many times to her and other therapists, that I'm too dependent and it's not good for me because in reality, I am nothing to them. They do the job they're paid to do and that's it. They don't need me. If I died tomorrow, they'd move on and that'd be the end of it.
I do think alot of my problem is that her returning is unknown (if or when) but if she does, I'll go back to her, so this in-between gap with someone else could be temporary or permanent, which I don't do well with.

I hope you are well and thank you again for your kind words. I really am grateful x

I’m so sorry you’re in such pain. You are none of those things you think you are.

Congratulations on holding down a job. Not many could manage that with the mental health situation you describe. That alone should offer some proof that you’re not as useless as you’ve convinced yourself you are.

Can I ask your age?

You don't sound selfish or even that you are wishing her anything bad.

You sound that you are taking things too personally. Her having a baby is not about you, it's not about your worth, your position, it literally has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

You might as well take a rainstorm or a heatwave personally.

How active are you? If your therapist could guide you towards heavy physical activity of some kind (work, sport, some volunteering hobby), time to get you out of your own head and better than sleeping all day .

I am not saying physical activity heals everything, I am not saying that at all, but it has benefits to help, and is a good addition.