AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

Hi op. Have you had a busy week at work again? It’s nice when it’s like that sometimes. It feels like there is less time to think too much about things.

Hi,
Yes I have. I've been busier than expected actually.
Some of my clients have been abroad, which makes things busier for me. I don't always like that as it means more responsibility and I don't always think I'm up to it or that I'm good enough for the job.
My usual GP has left, so my follow ups have been stopped. I'll no longer be sent a list of appointments to decide what GP to see (male/female etc) so that's all finished as well, which was unexpected.
That's just life though, people come and go.
I haven't slept for 3 nights so I'm just very tired at the moment.

How are you? I hope you're doing well x

Oxygen is good but talking should leading to productive conversations and change.

All ok here thanks op. I hope you slept better last night. I struggle to function on not enough sleep so would find it very difficult if not impossible after three nights.

Yes, you're right.
I've had many productive therapy sessions and have made multiple changes throughout my time. One of the main ones was exercise. It was a huge thing for me and the majority of my day was taken up by it, but that's in the past now. I haven't done it for years and I can't see myself ever going down that path again.

Although I struggle with food, there is one behaviour that seems to have reappeared recently and it is my skin picking. I only do this on my scalp and it's been years since I've done it to the extent I have right now. It is also something that only appears when i feel that everything in my life is completely out of my control. It's not something I ever talk about, so maybe now is the time I did some work with myself on that x

I scalp pick too @Hamandcrispsandwich, it’s so satisfying to find a good scab and pick it off but my hair is so thin now as a result. I think it is a stress release for me.

It is definitely related to high stress levels for me. I haven't done it this badly for a long, long while. Many years in fact.

I feel very calm and in control when I do it. It is very satisfying - I definitely do it more when I'm tired. I find it very soothing.

I hope you're doing okay x

It’s really common as is random eyebrow plucking and cuticle picking! Harmless.

I try to keep my eyebrows tidy for that reason. last week the new trimmer shaved one eyebrow entirely off in a split second 😂

No one noticed, a pleasing surprise. People don’t, generally

Not really harmless when it results in thin hair and bald patches.

I’m seeing my new psychiatrist this week so I’m really scared about that. I don’t really want to talk to her but I need an up to date assessment for my sick leave or I’ll lose my job. My mind is so muddled I don’t think I will be able to get across what I need to.

That sounds positive. I understand the feeling of not wanting to talk to someone new. Will you see her frequently?

I hope it goes well for you. Let us know how you get on when you're able too x

I don't think anyone would notice as it's covered by my hair.
People also wouldn't notice as I don't leave my house anymore.

I've just made it incredibly red and sore, which I have done before, but not to this extent. I have been known to make it sore in one or two places, but this is the majority of my scalp and I can't seem to stop.

Do fidget toys ever help with this @Hamandcrispsandwich? I know you can get some where you can pull them apart and then put them back in the microwave to melt them and then leave them to harden so they can be used again. Just a thought, as FTs helped me when I used to pull my hair out.

Have you tried cutting your nails really short so you can’t dig in so easily?

I have actually tried fidget toys previously. They help, but then I have to do it to myself - I could use a FT for hours, but I still MUST do it to me as well.

I've even tried watching videos to see if that helps because I did think it was just the act of it that I wanted to see, but for some reason, I have to feel it on my scalp.

I sometimes pull my own hair out, but that's very rare. I couldn't pick any other part of my skin either, only my scalp. If I had a wound on my leg, I won't touch it, but if it's on my scalp, I won't leave it.
I have no idea if it's the actual act of it or the pain of it that makes it so addictive to me.

At the moment, I have to do it a few times every day. My nails are so short at the moment, I keep cutting them, but I keep finding a way to do it. If I really, really can't do it, that's when I start hair pulling.

I don't think it helps that I don't leave the house now, so it's not as if I'm going to see people, so it doesn't matter to me (at the moment) just how bad it looks. If I did need to go out, I'd probably tie my hair up, so it isn't visible.

I haven't done it as of yet today though, so that's something!

Well done for resisting today, that’s a good start. I understand what you mean about needing to do it rather than to be distracted. I’m like that when I want to do anything that is definitely bad for me. It’s a self destructive urge.
Do you never have to go out for work or groceries or your caring responsibilities?

My resistance was short lived, but I haven't done it as much today, so I suppose it's better than it has been.

I don't have to go out at all anymore. Work is completely from home and groceries are delivered. I only went out for my therapy sessions and for my follow up appointments at the GP, but I don't have them any more.
I would go out if I needed to go to the hospital for an appointment, but otherwise no need for me to leave my house.

That sounds like a very isolated existence @Hamandcrispsandwich which I can empathise with. Maybe a walk would lift your mood a little though? Are you managing to increase your diet at all now?

It is, but in lots of ways, I like that. I'm very safe in my little bubble. I can't be hurt by others.
I don't like leaving my house. I only leave if I have somewhere "safe" to go. I could never just 'go for a walk'
There has to be a "safe" end goal. The only safe places are the GP surgery and my therapists office, but I've no reason to go there. The hospital is also a safe place, but I will only go there if I have an appointment.

I've left the house approximately twice since my last therapy session. I left to see the GP for the lump and the hospital, also for the lump.

I did start eating more at one point, but that was again shortlived. I stopped once my GP surgery stopped my follow ups, but i'm very used to this though, so I'm sure I'll be fine. It's just a bit of a surprise. I'm just not in a good head space at the moment.

How did your appointment go? Or have you not had it yet? x

It seems such a sad waste of your life though, it breaks my heart. You had have friends so you are capable of doing the same again and you could even find a kind and supportive partner to have children and share your life with. You are still so young!

My appointment was OK and she was kind. She is going to check if my old therapist is ever coming back and refer me to another one if not. Also going to change my meds so I’m glad I went even though I don’t feel cared for like I did with my previous psychiatrist.

When my first friend died, I'd just been discharged from my therapist (at the time), I was better than I had been and then she suddenly just died. I was in a terrible place long after that.

The same has happened this time, just in the reverse order. Friend died first. Again, sudden and unexpected.
In my mind, it would be potentially dangerous to allow people into my life again. I'm not sure I'd manage if they left (whether that be from life changes, moving etc) and I couldn't see them again.

I'm sure I'll be fine, it's just lots of unexpected things happened at once. Friend died, therapist left, I was promised things that weren't going to happen, GP left, follow ups stopped etc. I have my job and a roof over my head though, so it's not all bad. I also don't blame anyone for these things happening. I'm just sad/hurt/broken but it is just life and I have to get on with it. I'm more angry with myself than anything, but I'm also very tired, which doesn't help!

I'm glad your session went well and she is going to put things in place for you. Will you see her frequently? I really do hope your therapist returns for you. I really do and if not, I hope you get another one who manages to help and support you in the best way possible x

I am in a similar position as in having had a severe eating disorder and longterm therapy, with therapists that I became very close. On two different occasions, two therapists left to have babies.
My learning from these experiences was that therapy is not about a particular therapist, or my relationship with them, it was about teaching me skills to manage my difficulties independently, on an ongoing basis. How can you apply the skills that you would have learnt in the therapies that you mention you have been given (e.g. CBT), to your present thinking patterns and day-to-day life?
It may be an idea for you to work with one of the other therapists and ask for them to proactively work with you at managing anxiety to enable progress?
Having accountability can be very positive, such as setting expectations for you to meet between sessions (i.e. targets like practicing anxiety management techniques every time I ate, eating 3 meals and 3 snacks daily, minimum of 'x' weight gain between sessions, overseen by my GP ... those were the type of targets that I was set).
So think about what you, yourself, can do to change your situation. You mention that you can get out to the GP, so you can ask your GP for help - my GP gave me liquid Fortisips under her supervision (to drink as my 3 snacks) to enable me to regain to a safer weight so I could then start CMHT therapy. It was really hard, but I knew that I had to show that I was willing to put in the hard work first, if I wanted other people to then help me through therapy.
The only person who could make the necessary changes was me, the only person who had agency to change my life was me, and I wanted my life to change. If you want your life to change, what can you proactively do tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that ... your future depends, not on your therapist who is quite rightly living her own life, but on you.
I send you strength, and wish you well.

Thanks

How are you OP?

I'm okay, thank you for asking.
I was doing better, but sadly not any more.
I think it's the darker nights drawing in - I always struggle with them anyway, but it seems so much harder now.
I go from feeling broken to nothing. I'm also completely exhausted, I'm not sleeping well and I'm up early for work every day, but there's not much I can do about that!

I decided I think it's a good idea to keep myself away from health professionals at the moment. Ì have enough medication to last till the end of February if I don't take it daily, which I struggle to do anyway. I might change my mind, but I think that's the right thing to do for me right now.

I know it isn't ideal and probably not the best or healthiest way to manage, but it's the best I can do at this moment.

How are you doing? I hope you're well x