AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

Thank you for your kind words. I am so very grateful, it is so lovely of you to say these things.

I did eat something today, but I just feel numb. I feel nothing inside. I can't cry, smile or anything in-between. I don't particularly like this numbness, but I prefer it to the deep sadness and upset because that physically hurts me. I have been taking my meds and going straight to bed, so I don't regret taking them. I haven't slept a whole night, I wake up often, usually every hour, but I've slept, so that's better than nothing I guess x

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say thank you all for your kind messages. You have all been so lovely to me. I have been doing better these past few days - I have been eating more than last week. I've been taking my meds religiously every night and going straight to bed. I haven't done any exercise or engaged with any of my previous ED behaviours. I don't know how long this will last, but it's better than nothing I guess.

Next week will be our final session. I am still devastated by this, but I'm doing my best and it's better than last week.

I've been unwell with a chest infection, but I'm on the mend. I probably won't do as well next week, but for now, I am okay.

I have researched BPD as someone suggested and some of it resonates with me, but some I'm not so sure about, but that's not for me to decide.

I hope those of you on the thread that were struggling are doing okay x

Thats wonderful to hear that you are feeling a bit better and you are looking after yourself too. I hope you manage to go to the appointment and have an honest conversation with her about how you feel. You might be able to arrange to see her when she returns from maternity leave xx

I have been eating more than last week. I've been taking my meds religiously every night and going straight to bed. I haven't done any exercise or engaged with any of my previous ED behaviours.

This is a MASSIVE achievement - well done.

I am just thinking of two specific very good friends of mine - one has bipolar disorder, the other has occasional bouts of major depression/anxiety. Both are lovely sensible people with jobs and caring responsibilities (like you). Both have realised that the best way to manage when they are struggling is to keep plodding on and doing all the sensible things like eating, sleeping and taking the meds, even when they don't feel like it. This brings them back to stability.

I am so proud of you! What battles you have to deal with on a daily basis with your mind that no one can ever know. Keep going. Not every day will be good but just keep going. You are on the right track

Thank you - how are things with you? I hope you are doing okay xx

Thank you for your kindness.
Today is not as good food wise, but I'm still eating SOMETHING.
It is a constant battle with my mind and I do want the thoughts to just stop sometimes, but I have to keep going.
My thoughts of ending everything are still present, as they usually are, but they're not as strong this week, so that's an improvement. I hope you are doing well x

Thank you. I hope your friends are doing okay. My moods are awful, nobody actually knows how bad I feel, but I'm a bit better than usual this week (apart from a migraine!)

The one thing I am this week is exhausted. I wasn't as tired last week, couldn't sleep etc, but now I can sleep all night and all day if I could, which isn't great, but I prefer it to not sleeping because at least I'm not thinking x

Hello @Hamandcrispsandwich I hope you're having at least an ok day.

Hi @Hamandcrispsandwich, how are you feeling at the moment. Hope you are coping with this awful heatwave if you are affected by it.

Thank you for checking up on me.
I am not doing as well as I was unfortunately - this is the week I say goodbye and it's really hit me all of a sudden.

I think it's because I felt like it was ages away, sometimes it feels like our appointments take forever to come round and this one has gone quicker than I expected.

A client of mine also sadly passed away the early hours of this morning in a terrible accident. Completely unexpected, so that's an awful shock. I visited their family earlier and dropped them some things round, but it feels like loss after loss after loss and I just can't function with it all.

I actually am cold in any temperature under around 32 degrees, so I can actually wear no coat for once. Is anyone else enjoying it?
How are you all doing? X

I’m doing ok thanks @Hamandcrispsandwich sorry to hear that you’re not doing as well as you were. Bless you for visiting their family, that’s very compassionate. I don’t know about anyone else but can’t say that I’ve enjoyed the hot weather. Just tolerating it really.

My client was a beautiful soul. I called the family once I'd found out and asked if they needed anything and they asked me to go over. It was very unexpected, just a terrible accident that couldn't have been prevented sadly. Life can be very cruel.

Most people i know are just tolerating the heat - I sound most of my time in a coat, so it's nice to be without. I've got it back on now.

When is your last session with your therapist @Hamandcrispsandwich i remember you said it was this week.

It's on Friday.
I haven't yet cancelled it, but I don't think I'll stay for the whole session if I'm honest.
I just feel like I haven't got it in me. I even feel too tired to go, but I will do my best.

Try to make it there if you possibly can as this is your chance to have your feelings heard. Do you think you could try to up your calorie intake for the next couple of days to give yourself the physical and emotional energy to get through it?
I will be thinking about you and really hopIng you find the session helps you process your pain. Maybe she can let you know when she will be back from maturity leave and resume your sessions then.

Sorry, maternity leave, not maturity leave!

Thinking of you OP. Hope it goes well today x

I'm here now. I feel so sick. I haven't slept.
I'm so sad so we will see how long I stay. I doubt I'll stay the entire session, but we will see