AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

This is so true. The NHS is on its knees already and MH Services are facing further cuts and job losses. I think the default for NHS Therapy is to wait months or years and to then be given just 6 sessions irrespective of clinical need.

The NHS will look after you with your physical issue (your lump) however, mental health services are severely lacking and it's a very sad state of affairs. It appears that unless someone in a powerful position is personally affected little action is taken to change things. The world is not very good at accommodating anyone who doesn't fit traditional boxes. I have gone around and around in loops with the NHS mental health services one arm doesn't know what the other arm is doing. It's as if ...here we go again.

I also have complex mental health issues, compounded by an ongoing situation with my ExH, DD and ExILs

I've been lucky with my MH practitioner but other services have been appalling and made my issues worse. I am saving for private but the above situation is making that impossible at them moment.

You're wasting your time. I had a friend very similar in attitude to the OP. It never ends, there's always something and finds it impossible to see that people do actually pull out all of the stops for her. It's never enough.

I have always said I'm grateful for everything that is done for me. I am aware that people, including my GP surgery go above and beyond for me.
I am never rude or ungrateful to anyone.
I'm just hurt.

I’m sorry to read your update OP. What skills do you think you’ve gained from the therapy you’ve had that you could utilise to get you through this difficult time?

You are, it's almost palpable. However what is it you want to happen?

Do you ever count your blessings? My friend was incapable of it. There was always more. She had a range of needs that she wanted meeting at all times. Coupled with RSD it was impossible to meet them consistently. She had a range of outside help and resources, a lot more than anyone else gets and it still wasn't enough. Tools are given during various therapies. People can give you those tools, but ultimately, when it comes to mental health especially, you have to do the heavy lifting yourself.

People are always willing to wave the pom poms for someone activity helping themselves. But to be permanent scaffolding for someone just isn't sustainable.

Your eating disorder is a blockade to getting what you need. That's the thing that needs your focus atm.

There are a few things I would've liked to have happened.

One of the main things would have been honesty.

I was promised my therapist wouldn't leave and when she did, I was promised a new therapist. If I didn't go to the appointment last week at the GP, I wouldn't know that I'm not getting a new one. I'd still be sitting here with my phone on, waiting for a call that was never going to happen.

Nobody should have promised me anything.
I would also have liked time. Time to process that she was going. I'm not saying I wanted to know before anyone else, but I got told one session before she was going. Her words were "Our next session is our last"

I would've liked things to have been different this time.

Yes, I count my blessings. I am grateful to have my job and I am grateful to have somewhere to live. It's more than some and I'm grateful for that.

Anyway, as I said, it's done now. I can be as sad/hurt/broken as I like, but nothing can change this. All I can do is move on.

It is unrealistic to promise that a therapist won’t leave and to believe that if it is promised. You don’t know why you were not given much notice either. It’s quite possible that her plans changed due to medical issues or she was let go earlier than expected. My psychiatrist was only given two weeks notice so I had a very abrupt ending with him and my therapist has been on sick leave for a year so I have no support at all.

I don't blame anyone at all.
I know now that it was silly of me to have believed that she'd never leave. People have their own lives to lead.
I can be quite naive - if someone said "I'll give you £5000" it's likely I wouldn't believe them, but if they said "I promise I'll give you £5000" I probably would. That's my issue though, nobody else's.

I do feel stupid and when I think back to our conversations we had, I feel even more stupid, but again, my issue, nobody else's.

All I can do now is move forward, continue with what I've been doing and go from there.

I've not been feeling very well (physically) over the last few days, I am on antibiotics and I have my hospital appointment this week, so I'm going to take some time out.
I'm sure I'll be back at some point, but all of your comments are very much appreciated. It might not seem like it, but I do read them and do my best to take them on board, so please don't think I don't.

I hope you're all doing well x

Thank you

Have you had your hospital appointment @Hamandcrispsandwich?

I went this morning. I had a scan and they want me to go back in a few weeks.
There was more than one lump, so I need to be seen again in a few weeks, scanned again and maybe have a biopsy, so I'm assuming they're worried about something (one particular lump that I didn't know was there is what they're keeping an eye on)

I've now got my second period in 2 weeks. Never happened before. Thought they were stopping due to how light they've been over the past two months, but now I've got a second one 14 days after the first one started.
I assume I'll need to see the GP next week for that as well because that's not normal for me at all. I'll just call the receptionist and ask

Good luck for your next appointment OP. I had a breast biopsy a few months ago, they give you a local anaesthetic so it's completely painless. They are lovely at our breast unit and very professional, hope yours is the same.

Well done for making it to the appointment.
I wonder whether the irregular periods are just the result of low food intake and low BMI. Mine stopped for over a year when I was anorexic and were all over the place for months when they did come back

Thank you.
Yes they were all brilliant in there. It was very quiet and peaceful. The one I can't find is the one I believe they're more concerned about. It's been circled and I still can't feel it, so I'm glad they're keeping an eye on it.

How are you doing? I hope you are well x

I agree with this, weight does affect it. I have the opposite problem and am considered obese (mainly due to the medications I take) and my periods can be a nightmare.

Thank you.
I thought that too - my periods have never stopped, always continued as regular as clockwork, absolutely no changes to them, until now. My last two were much lighter/shorter than usual, so both June and July ones, but were bang on time, so this one is totally out of the blue. It's light, but painful.

Took me a little by surprise and I thought I had a UTI, but clearly not. Maybe I'll call and ask the GP on call on Monday and see what they think. I'd imagine they won't be surprised.
I don't take any contraception, so it isn't that and I'm most definitely not pregnant, so I'm not too sure if it's a cause for concern.

I really don't want to waste their time and I'm not sure how I feel about another examination (if it's needed) on top of the ones I've had and am due to have, but I'd imagine they're the best people to decide.

How are you? I hope you're doing well x

I've always been told this and most of the others in the eating disorder unit had problems with their periods.
I've just never encountered any issues prior to these current ones.
I'm not even sure it's worth bothering the GP with because they're so busy as it is and it's hardly surprising.
I'll see how the weekend goes and perhaps fill out the online form on Monday, so they can decide what's best to do.

How are you? Hope you're doing well x

I expect they would just tell you to give it some time to see if they settle down when you stabilise your diet. It’s amazing you haven’t had issues before at such a low BMI.

Yes, I expect them to say that as well, so I think I'll leave it for now and contact them if it happens again.
I am also surprised I've had no issues. One lady I was in hospital with had a lower BMI, but still had periods and they put that down to her having previously had children, which isn't the case with me.

It just really took me by surprise. It makes me feel quite emotional. It's just really sad. I've cried alot over this weekend.

How are things going for you now @Hamandcrispsandwich?

Hi,
I'm fine thanks, same as usual. Just been busy working, so not had time for anything else.
I decided not to call the GP. There isn't much they can say or do and they're pretty busy anyway.

How are you?

I'm ok, sorry for disappearing had a nightmare with my new kitchen, I've got my housing officer on the job.

I'm taking a break from my GP surgery for awhile, they haven't told me to and in fact MH practitioner doesn't want that, but that's what I want.

I can still access them if I need them (unlikely) but I am just taking a 6 month break.