AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

I;m so sorry that happened to you. That's awful.

I'm ok, I've seen my DD today and we had a baking day, we've made all sorts. I had a new kitchen a few weeks ago (still recovering from the distruption) and you now can't tell due to the amount of flour, smears of butter/chocolate and just the amount of bashing it's had.

Hi @Hamandcrispsandwich, it breaks my heart that you “occasionally eat”. Why do you care so little for yourself?

I’m doing OK at the moment. I’m finding that keeping physically very busy is helping my mood. We have a long list of jobs that need doing in the house and garden and it is satisfying gradually sorting out the chaos. I’m also spending a lot of time with our pets and that is therapeutic.

I haven’t been able to book an appointment with the new psychiatrist though, so it’s just a matter of time til that causes serious issues with my sick pay. My self destructive streak is alive and well.

Do you get any enjoyment from getting outside in nature?

That sounds lovely - you and DD sound like you had great fun.

What does DD like baking?
I bet you're both very good at it - the bonus is that you get to enjoy what you've made at the end of it x

I've not cared much for myself for a while. In order for me to eat, I have to be very, very hungry and even then, I only eat a small amount, just until I'm a little full.
I really, really don't like myself - I find it very difficult that I'm alive and my two lovely friends aren't.

I've not liked myself for a long, long time. I feel like I take up too much space in the world. If I were to go on the bus, I would feel like nobody would want to sit next to me. I would feel like I'm taking up too much space and there are many, many more deserving people in the world.
Sometimes I feel like the world is too big for me, but other times, I'm too big for the world as in I take up too much space.

That sounds wonderful - what pets do you have? Animals bring such beautiful, pure joy to the lives of others.
Is there anyone who could perhaps book the appointment for you? Is there anything anyone can do to help you through this? Please look after yourself, you really do deserve it.
I haven't heard from anyone as of yet, so I'm just waiting.

I don't particularly enjoy leaving my house. I'm very safe in my house. I don't take up too much space in the world when I'm shielded from it. I'm also protected from everything. I feel almost in a bubble. I only like leaving my house when I have somewhere "safe" to go, like to see my therapist, a hospital, the GP surgery. I could never just "go out for a walk" unless I'm leaving my house (a place of safety) to go to another place of safety.

Hope you have had a good day x

Hello @Hamandcrispsandwich and anyone else watching this thread. Thank you for keeping us updated with how things are going for you. You describe things so well and I hope I speak for most of us who want to see things improve for you so you have the peace and quality of life that you deserve.

Darling. I could have written your words about space.
the phrase I would use with my therapist is “I’m a waste of the worlds resources keeping me alive”. I also feel an inconvenience to everyone, e.g if someone beeps behind me I will crumble and have suicidal thoughts because if I didn’t exist they wouldn’t have got that annoyed. Even though I can rationalise it that actually, I’d done nothing wrong they are just a twat. The thoughts persist.
I don’t know what brings me joy, I’ve spent my life considering others to such a degree I’ve no idea who or what I am anymore.

i completely understand where you are and where your coming from. Life like this is tiring and hard isn’t it?

What a lovely, kind post

I hate myself too. It sounds reasonable for me to say that about myself but it’s so upsetting to hear you say that when you are clearly a kind and intelligent woman with so much to offer to the world.

I think your opinion of yourself is affected by your lack of nutrition but I understand that it is such a complicated illness. Please try to be at least a little kinder to yourself, you deserve that.

We have goats, chickens and dogs. They give us such joy and unconditional love.

Thank you all so, so much for your lovely words.
It does mean so very much to me and none of it goes unnoticed.

I thought I was doing better, but things have taken a bit of a turn and now I've found a lump.

I know I'll have to get it checked, but the thought of it makes me feel sick. Not only does a doctor have to have precious time taken up to see the likes of me when they are so busy and have such high demand, they also have to see my body. I know they don't look at it in any way and it's not an issue for them, but it is for me.
I do not like people looking or touching me in any way and again, it's out of my control. I also don't like leaving my house, but yet again, I'll have no choice.
Firstly, I lose my therapist, then my ex client attacks me verbally for a second time and now this.

All I want is a break. I'm not worried about me, I'm worried about others that will be affected if I were to be unwell. If my therapist were here, I think I'd feel much more mentally and emotionally strong to deal with this.

I do have to say, a goat sounds like a brilliant pet. I've always wanted one!

Try not to worry too much @Hamandcrispsandwich as it is most likely nothing sinister. Hopefully it can be investigated quickly although I understand that it is a very stressful process for you.

Goats do make wonderful pets but they are herd animals so shouldn’t be kept alone. They are real characters and always keen to be stroked and petted

Oh darling.
I know what you mean about feeling like your taking the place of someone who needs it more.
But you are not, this is their job, as yours is caring for others. If you need to, think of it as ensuring your well to help those who you care for.
please make that appointment to get it looked at.

I know it's probably nothing, which is what makes me think I should not bother putting myself through the stress of getting it seen too, although I know I really should.

This is something I'd do with my therapist - we'd make the call for the GP together and I'd have an appointment with her on the same day/next day.
Unfortunately, tomorrow will be a whole 4 weeks since I last saw her. I really do wonder how she is. I hope she's well.

Goats sound like such fun pets. I'd love to pet one. I also love alpacas. How many goats do you have? X

Thank you so much.
I will make the appointment, I just don't know when. I know I need to make it as soon as possible, but it's the thought of someone in close proximity to me putting me off.

I don't like people in my space. I don't particularly like them touching me either. I know it's medical, but when people have had their hands on you against your wishes before, it is something I will always avoid. I'm okay with people touching below my knee or my arms, but anywhere else is absolutely off the cards.

I hope everyone else is doing well x

DD will bake pretty much anything, she loves brownies and scones best but will eat anything. She's a very good cook but needs a lot of help still given she's 12.

I'm sorry to read about your lump discovery. I to would avoid the GP surgery for fear of burdening them. For what it's worth I don't think you're burdening them but if it helps tell yourself that you'll call the surgery or mention it to the doctor next time she calls and let them decide if they need to see you.

That sounds lovely. She sounds like a great baker - bless her. It's great that she has something she enjoys.

I didn't call the GP today. I should have, but I didn't. I was pretty tied up with work though, so that could be why. I also had to work later than usual.
I will see if I can give them a call on Monday. I don't think it's anything serious. It's tender when pressed but there are no other symptoms. I can see it visibly though, so I'll have to get it checked at some point.

Hope everyone is doing well x

Again I know exactly what you mean. How do you have to make appointments at your doctors?
mine, you fill out a form online. Which makes it easier explaining extra things I probably wouldn’t over the phone.

Hey,

I can make appointments via an online form and I can call. They are very accommodating with me. If I call and say I need an appointment, they will get me one. They know I can only see female doctors as well - not all of them though. If it came to examinations, I really don't know who I would see because I can't stand being touched.

I also don't have to give much info to the receptionists as they know how I am. I am able to give very little information and they still book me in. We can also have appointments on the day as they have a walk in service x