At breaking point with parenting; have lost hope of it getting better

[kettlesonnow]

I have posted about this before but not on this board. I don’t know how anybody can help me (so if I seem to be saying no a lot please don’t take that personally) but I need to reach out.

Basically I feel I made an absolutely huge mistake when we decided to have a second child and this haunts me almost daily. I have read threads on this and most seem to be from women with the youngest child aged under one, so things are still shaky. For us, well, we’re nearly three years in and it’s still fucking awful!

My two are five and nearly three. Apart, they are OK … definitely not perfect but manageable.

Together they are unmanageable and I have really tried to follow the advice and read the books and it hasn’t made any difference at all and I’m still miserable.

They work one another up, they won’t leave one another alone, if one is happy and playing quietly the other intervenes to ensure that ends. They become different people around one another and people who in all honesty aren’t very nice. I am frequently mortified by their behaviour to be honest and I’m conscious that makes me tense up and things more likely to go wrong.

I am now at the point where it isn’t advice on parenting I need but how the hell I can survive this without becoming someone I dislike too. I’ve become irritable and tense, impatient and easy to anger. I’m also absolutely filled with regret for the life I could have known. And I know I need to get past this because I can’t do anything about it now, but I just can’t.

And I missed this sorry. I really relate.

I have been up since 430. DD wakes at the crack of dawn; DS doesn’t get to sleep until gone 9. It was nearly 10 last night. Just desperate for some time for me.

You have a lot going on. I hear you, including the intensity of the school holidays.

You asked about your mental health. It’s hard to assess from a MN thread what your needs are and how deep you’ve gone. I found that self help was enough for me - reading books not about parenting but about stoicism. I know that sounds a bit wanky. But it helped me stay calm sometimes with all the crazy raging around. And to look to a further horizon than bedtime. Because it does pass.

What’s the situation with your husband? What do you mean by ‘crippled’ and is he going to recover? Is he working?

If self help isn’t enough then you have to make time for the dr. You’re a teacher right? So is DH and it’s genuinely hard / impossible to get time off for anything other than your own funeral. Do you have any other family who can collect your children?

Go back to work full time. Do it now.

Oh brilliant suggestion, amazing. So I literally never get a fucking break then do I?

Work allows you to be a free adult. For your mind to be free of infighting. It’s usually quiet and the people are reasonable. There is nobody elbowing you.

And sorry - I know that was snappy but I do wonder if anyone reads a word I’m saying.

Evenings and weekends and holidays are my problem zones. The days in the week aren’t too bad. So the resounding suggestion? Go to work full time, so that next year, when my youngest is at school, I never get a single break? How is that honestly in any way helpful?

We evidently work in different places.

It isn’t about being an adult, that’s not what this is about.

And even if I wanted to work full time (I don’t; that’s really the last thing I want) there are the following considerations

1. I’d have to move DS school
2. I’d have to apply for new jobs - find the time to complete the application process, prepare for interviews, probably have a number of rejections before securing my new role
3. it might not be as close as my current role
4. dd would have to leave the preschool she’s settled at
5. I don’t want to work full time!

I get it helps some people but it would actually be completely counterintuitive for me.

I think the OP said she is a teacher, so this is unlikely to be the reality of her working life. Pretty much the opposite in fact!

I hear you saying no. And I am going to persist because I think working full time sets you free. But only if it comes with proper childcare, no running from work to school pickup every day. Fully embrace being a full time working parent. The children need to be in long wrap around. Put one of them in a club that takes them for 3 hours on a Saturday morning.

Parenting for a long stint after a 3pm school pickup is brutal for your mental health if they are fighting. Parenting for a short stint post wraparound or nursery is more manageable mentally and the difference will help your mind settle. You are so clearly in fight or flight mode. You need a big change somewhere.

Yes, I haven’t completely lost my sense of humour at ‘it is usually quiet and the people are reasonable!’

But seriously, I’ve seen this on here a lot - work more, go back to work, work full time, maybe it does work for some but for others it just pushes your workload up to an absolutely unmanageable level.

What about radical acceptance of your reality? Everything you say is true, it is relentlessly awful and there is nothing you can do at this point to improve it. Your children are very demanding, your husband is sick / injured, you’re exhausted and have nothing left in your tank.

Given that this is your reality, what is actually possible today? Not what you should do, but what you can actually do?

Lowering expectations? Go for ‘good enough’ parenting? My mantra was ‘everyone fed, no one dead’ for many years - if I achieved that, it was a good day.

Oh OP, that's a tough age. Mine are the same age gap and it is full on.

Have you considered maybe putting your youngest in nursery and extra day, just to give yourself an extra day break, even if it's at work? I'd also second iPad's just for a little bit of timeout. At that stage you do what you need to survive. It WILL get better, I promise!! You're right in the thick of it at the moment but it won't be like this forever, so it's just about doing what you need for your sanity.

In the holidays, can DD's nursery take her for extra days? Is it a private nursery open all year round?

If she can have a day at nursery and DS can go to a holiday club you can have a bit of time to make a dr appt or just sit on the sofa staring into space.

I’ll get slated for this view but there’s a reason for the much maligned 80s and 90s parenting. People then weren’t necessarily all bad. They were basically trying to avoid this situation. The pendulum in our society has swung too far and people like this poor op are bearing the brunt of it. Your kids need to be a little bit afraid of pissing you off.

@stringerthangs i could but honestly it isn’t so much the days that are the issue, although I am hoping that if I can stay at three days a week I’ll have a couple of days for me when she’s at school.

But the weekends, the evenings, the holidays, are exhausting and so so stressful, and I can’t really see this improving for years and years.

Everyone loses their temper occasionally at the kids. Do not beat yourself up for this!

Sod all the gentle parenting advice - sometimes kids need a bloody good telling off. I have three and if they argue the thing they argue over is instantly taken away. Really bad behavior ends with 10 minutes lying on the bed in silence, and I have very occasionally smacked bums.

My kids are well adjusted, happy, extremely confident etc so it’s done them no harm 🙈

You are a teacher and sound like a lovely mum, who obviously loves and knows her kids well. You are not going to damage them with a few good tellings off, and instead may help correct the course of their behavior. They need to know there are consequences for fighting.

Also we make the kids think they are a ‘team’ which builds a bit of camaraderie and helps reduce fighting.

Sorry, I had to stop a few times from typing as both children are up and roaming

At least DH is in the office today so that’s one thing.

I was born in the 80s and I don’t think much of that parenting ‘style’ if you like but what I do wish was an acknowledgement that there isn’t really a way to ensure compliance without being physical. You just have to wait for them to outgrow it.

Yeah I get that. You make your choice though - be strict and have compliance, or don’t be strict and accept your kids are going to ignore you 🤷‍♀️

Happy mum happy kids is the consensus in our house, and I know if my boisterous, noisy boys had no consequences, firstly they wouldn’t be as safe (they need to listen on roads, not hurt each other fighting etc) and secondly my stress levels would be through the roof.

It’s not everyone’s cup of tea though but works for us. We have a very happy house, lots of laughter and fun…… they just know the boundaries 🤷‍♀️

I’m not sure if putting your child in nursery an extra day has been mentioned, so apologies if it has but would that be an option?

I know it’s an extra cost, and it doesn’t help with the weekend/holidays situation, but it would give you time to yourself to reset so that you might be able to tolerate the weekends/holidays better.

I don’t think you can ever ensure compliance with any DC can you?

Smacking only leads to DC saying the right thing then going behind your back. From experience, the trust in the caregiver is broken and any respect. So you just end up saying the right things but doing exactly what you like when you can get away with it.

I’ve been reading your posts and I can see that you’ve posted on the MH board so you’re obviously struggling.

What I did want to say is that I have a “D”M who has always been very resentful of me. I believe that she had a traumatic birth which I know can lead to bonding issues. Is this a factor with your DD?

If so, I would try and speak to Birth Trauma Association.

whatever the reason though, your DD will be very aware of how you’re feeling and particularly the way that you feel about her.

My “D”M was also very angry. The incident that you describe with the toy watch sounds all too familiar.

I think that as well as the traumatic birth, my “D”M also had either PND or may have been depressed before she had me.

At this point it doesn’t really matter. She has spent over 50 years now being depressed. Finding excuses not to get it sorted. Such a waste of her life and notice the inverted commas around the Darling. She is pretty far from a Darling Mum, well I suppose that the Darling could be substituted for Dangerous?

I do feel sorry for your DD, I really do but also for you. You are obviously overwhelmed and can’t seem to find a way out but you must if you want any kind of relationship with your DC in the future.

I see my “D”M once a week and that’s only because my dying DF asked me to keep an eye on her. I might miss her when she’s gone but I’m not very sure I’ll be sad.

Have you had any sort of ND assessment?

I wondered if you'd thought about residential kids holiday clubs?

That had struck me too. The OP does sound very overwhelmed and this might be through ND.

@Stick0rTwist a consequence is only effective if they are deterred by it. Otherwise it’s just white noise.

I am very bonded with DD; I just wish I only had her, or that I only had DS. The (rare!) time I have with them both individually is lovely. But that will end altogether soon.

I am finding the focus on smacking a bit frustrating. I am not saying I want to hit them or that I agree with it. But I do think we’re kidding ourselves if we say our firm, clear boundaries are enough when kids are hellbent on disobeying. And if you only have one child don’t reply with ‘well my DS/DD don’t …’ Neither do mine alone.

I and my husband have five children,older now.two years difference between them all.i was a stay home mum for a few years,husband always working,didn’t see family.my god i got so depressed.they were always on at each other ,he did this she did that.it was never ending.the youngest two boys are now 17 and 15.well im sorry to say they are still at it.