At breaking point with parenting; have lost hope of it getting better

[kettlesonnow]

I have posted about this before but not on this board. I don’t know how anybody can help me (so if I seem to be saying no a lot please don’t take that personally) but I need to reach out.

Basically I feel I made an absolutely huge mistake when we decided to have a second child and this haunts me almost daily. I have read threads on this and most seem to be from women with the youngest child aged under one, so things are still shaky. For us, well, we’re nearly three years in and it’s still fucking awful!

My two are five and nearly three. Apart, they are OK … definitely not perfect but manageable.

Together they are unmanageable and I have really tried to follow the advice and read the books and it hasn’t made any difference at all and I’m still miserable.

They work one another up, they won’t leave one another alone, if one is happy and playing quietly the other intervenes to ensure that ends. They become different people around one another and people who in all honesty aren’t very nice. I am frequently mortified by their behaviour to be honest and I’m conscious that makes me tense up and things more likely to go wrong.

I am now at the point where it isn’t advice on parenting I need but how the hell I can survive this without becoming someone I dislike too. I’ve become irritable and tense, impatient and easy to anger. I’m also absolutely filled with regret for the life I could have known. And I know I need to get past this because I can’t do anything about it now, but I just can’t.

I’m sure it is good advice but it isn’t good advice if I can’t access it.

Can we please not do that bossy MN thing of ‘you are ignoring helpful advice’ as that is the most unhelpful thing ever.

I cannot go on a parenting course. I have NO FREE TIME. I mean literally, none. Zero. Zilch. I am either at work or parenting 6am-8pm and then 8-9 I am cleaning, eating my dinner and catching my breath and then 9 I am in bed myself. Don’t people understand? Am I not being clear?

The other advice is medication which is a possibility and I have talked with other posters about this.

What have I missed?

Could you have a really rigid routine you do every weekend day to help you?
e.g. 6-8 Tv and toys/crafts
8-9 activity
9 out of the house
12 lunch
1-2 play with toys
2-3 walk/park
3-5 toys/tv
5-7 tea, toys, bath, bedtime

Have you tried reward charts and giving easy goals e.g. 5 stickers and we get x out

For your DS with sweets try and decide what you’ll do next time so if he wants to eat them let him but have spare for DD or have a rule he gives them to you.

its really hard, I’m a teacher and I bet parents think I’d be great with mine, when they were your children’s ages it was so hard

I didn’t mention parenting courses. I said you need medication and help with your mental health.

You have said you have no faith in your GP and “joked” about getting illegal SSRIs online.

What you could do is ask to speak to another doctor, or request a second opinion. You’re going to have to make time somehow, even if it means taking time off work. This should be a priority for you.

you mentioned your GP might not be great
you could try those for quick access (I’ve tried for other stuff )… good price and getting seen straight away

https://book.thegpservice.co.uk/conditions/anxiety/

good luck x

Me and my brother fought bitterly as kids. I remember battering him verbally and physically. I remember him giving me all he could back. I remember our parents screaming at us to stop fighting and bickering. I remember us going home half way through a holiday in France because my parents couldn’t take us fighting any more. I remember my mum being at her absolute wits end, I’m sure she really hated her life.

Then I moved out to go to uni. When I came back in the holidays neither of us could believe how much we missed each other. We spent the entire holidays together, genuinely enjoying each others company. When I moved back home after uni we were best friends and practically inseparable. As soon as we woke up we just wanted to hang out. After work, we just hung out. So pleased to just be around each other. When I moved out of home for good he’d come and stay with me few weeks at a time, we missed each other so much.

I think in our case we felt very strongly about each other and as kids we hadn’t figured out how to make that a positive thing. Once we “grew up” and separated we figured out that actually, the intense relationship we had was something we both needed and, with a bit of perspective, could make positive. I think this is quite common. My parents love to see how close we are. But I think it’s a sort of closeness that comes after the sort of emotional intensity that comes from being enemies as kids.

So when am I going to have this GP appointment? Anyway, I’m not arguing about it. I’ve agreed that I’m going to look into meds. Routines are fine; they don’t prevent tantrums, screaming and stress sadly. If only.

@Conversationalcheddar thanks. They do argue and DD just won’t let DS have anything which I have always found stressful but thought she’d outgrow but, well, she’s three next month and still screams ‘mine’ if he so much as looks at something … but it’s more who they become with the other I can’t bear.

I wish I knew wtf was wrong with me.

Mine are early 20s now so this age is in the distant pass. But maybe it helps if I tell you what worked with me.
I didn’t smack.
i was very strict. In the example you gave of DC w sweets - well sweets were for Saturdays. So when I found out about them he would have had to give them to me.
Send them into the garden when the are fighting.
For the three year old I would get reins when you are out and about. 5 year old when walking along has to hold your hand or Pram. No explaining or reasons. Mummy says is enough. He can be threatened with reins if he won’t behave. But be prepared to go through with it 🙂
Unfortunately there is going to be a fair bit of fighting and screaming etc.
I was very strict when they were little - minimum choices. Issue 1 instruction at a time, at eye level and w eye contact. Eg put your shoes on.
And instant consequences after 1 warning eg leave play ground, lose sweets etc.
These are tricky ages. Being outside as much as possible seems to help dissipate it.
Also DH would take then our Saturday morning for 2-3 hours. Is that possible for you? I stayed home.
And with your DH you have additional issues.
could you afford some short term help? Even a teenager of uni student to play with them in the garden while you get on w a few things? Just to give you some breathing space.
I also found ear plugs useful. If the ask for things like soft play always say no. If you have a plan to take them somewhere eg soft play/park only tell them when it’s time to get ready.
They have 0 concept of time so can’t wait.
I used to put them to bed 30-45 mins early sometimes as I had enough of them.
And it’s ok if they fight. As long as it doesn’t get to violent. It’s pretty normal.
It is really hard. For my two being mega strict with consequence/strict tone/eye contact helped a bit.
Exercise helped me - weights/a class/whatever you enjoy really. You deserve some time for you.

@kettlesonnow If you were my friend I would be really worried about you and encouraging you to seek professional help. Would you consider taking some time off work as sick leave to prioritise your own needs?

Assuming you’re in the uk, you are entitled to health visitor support until your child is 5 so you are able to contact them to ask for more support.

Something significant definitely needs to change before the situation becomes even more detrimental to the whole family.

Also there is nothing wrong with you. I hated the toddler phase - the look cute but they are illogical tyrants.
What helped me a bit was to remember that I am the adult. I know what’s best for them. They don’t. To try to believe in my authority. Crying/screaming etc it’s not going to traumatized them. I get to decide about soft play/when and where sweets are eaten/etc. It makes them feel safe.

Again I didn’t say anything about routines, I’m not sure if you’re mixing me up with another poster.

On your lunch break? After work? Using annual leave? I’m a single mum to two kids, one of whom has additional needs, I’m about to qualify as a social worker, and I have to work two jobs around all of that just to survive. I’ve experienced significant mental health issues previously, I get that it’s hard, but you HAVE to look after yourself. You’d find time if one of your kids needed to see a doctor. Either way, I’m glad you’re going to look into meds, they do help.

I would definitely look into medication OP. My GP gave me a telephone appointment when I filled in the online form wanting to start antidepressants and prescribed them for me without me having to attend. I would definitely try and pursue this as they may help you get into a headspace that is less intense, less reactive and more able to regulate your anger and despair.

I know this probably sounds ridiculous and I would have internally eye rolled at these suggestions a couple of years ago when i felt like this but have you tried a more reward based style of parenting rather than consequence based? E.g. putting marbles in a jar (one each) for all good behaviours such as being kind to each other, not disturbing bed time, eating nicely etc etc and when the jar is full they get a treat. If they exhibit bad behaviours then a marble gets taken out.

On another note though, you are going to have to make time if you want things to improve. Whether that means you or your DH taking annual leave to attend a Dr's appointment or call in sick to work then do it. Or pay a babysitter if it is a day off to look after your DD whilst you attend a parenting course or GP appointment. You may not be being monitored by a health visitor but you can get support from them until your youngest is 5 before it transitions to school nurses so get in touch- you will find the details if you google the service in your area.

I really do wish you well, it's a horrible place to be in.

@ItsPickleRick it isn’t just you who has replied to the thread. I realise it can be frustrating when posters appear to be vetoing every suggestion but as above prams for five year olds, confiscating sweets I don’t know they’ve been given … I have to work with my real life and unfortunately that means a lot of the things suggested here don’t work, can’t work.

I posted in mental health; nor parenting, or AIBU. Because of the effect parenting is having on my mental health.

Completely understand, and my comments have all been around seeking help with your mental health. Everything feels a million times harder when you’re struggling.

You need to put yourself first for a minute and look into the meds.

If your kids were ill or you had something physically wrong with you then you would hopefully find time to see a GP. So you should be able to find time for a mental health crisis. If your GP is crap you need to request another one. If you work then you can take time off for a phone appointment with a GP.

Reading your messages I think it's your mental state more than your children that is the issue. You need to seek help for them as well as yourself.

How has your day been OP?

The usual screaming and crying going on here. I’m trying to study but just want to cry. I can’t work through this absolute racket and I can tell we’re in for the usual 2 hours of dicking around before they finally pass out.

Last the night the kids slept but I was woken by the bloody dog. I then had some kind of minor panic attack about the thought of yet another 6am rise, working day, more responsibilities… and just this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to do it, like I just want someone else to take over for a while.

Better, thanks. But then I was at work today and then they had squirrels after nursery / school so only home at 6! Hasty dinner and shower and now waiting for DD to stop playing with her Tonie figures and read some stories (I really wish she’d do this during the day as it seems to occupy her for ages but no only ever at bedtime.)

Last night was awful though as DD just kept waking up. She ended up in bed with me but I had no room at all and was squished right at the end so didn’t feel rested at all in the morning. Hoping tonight is better.

One thing I’m trying to do is avoid social media; it’s a big trigger of mine with parenting as other children seem so much more advanced and calmer but it isn’t real and I have to remind myself of this.

Glad today has been a bit better. I feel the same - the better days are where they’re at after school club/nursery til 6 and therefore I can keep my cool for the couple of hours between arriving home and bed.

I know it sounds hollow but I truly believe a lot of this stuff is hidden on social media. I follow one woman who home schools her 5 kids, and makes it look amazing, and is super efficient and the kids always look calm and happy even in videos. She posted completely out of character story the other day saying her children do nothing but scream and how it’s ruining her nervous system etc - I was amazed!

Like you I am very triggered by noise. Crying when they’re genuinely upset or hurt is fine, and general play noise is fine. But it’s the smashing of plastic toys onto our hard floor, and the way in which DD screams out her brother’s name in this really awful shrill way (plus both their yelling) that really sets my teeth on edge.

I just told DH after my very busy July is over (various big work deadlines), I’m going to stay with my friend in Scotland for a few days. I feel like I’m losing my marbles at the moment between broken sleep, relentless early starts, constant noise and just endless routines and responsibilities.

I really feel for you.

A really bad dynamic has been established. Their behaviour is entrenched because of the rewards they get from you. Children crave any attention even negative attention. It seems like they don’t know how to get positive attention from you.

This could be something to focus on. Try really lavishing them with attention when they are being good (or even tolerable). Try and ignore some of the bad behaviour or deal with it in a monotone voice without making eye contact.

I’m a teacher (ha ha ha) so I have them all school holidays. I don’t get a single break from it and I’m aware that was largely what was driving yesterday’s very emotional posts.

OP, I haven’t read all of your posts but have read enough to get the gist.

I have two boys - aged 3 and 2 and I want you to know I can 100 relate to everything you’ve said in your post - you are not alone.

It’s no exaggeration of the truth to say I feel like my home life is constantly firefighting, preventing tantrums, resolving tantrums, cleaning up poo, cleaning up wee, cleaning up thrown food, bathing and cleaning, and cleaning up general chaos and mess. I work 3.5 days a week and honestly I look forward to my work days as they make a fresh change from the chaos.

I picked my kids up from nursery last week and my eldest went absolutely wild. He turned the living room upside down and just wouldn’t stop. When I tried to hold him and get him to stop, he started kicking and biting and hitting me. In the end I just sat there in the room rocking on the floor, crying asking them to stop. Definitely a parenting low.

And what really gets me is despite the effort I put in with them, the time we spend together (we have 1.5 days during the working week when daddy is at work), they still prefer daddy. They still cry for daddy and want daddy to soothe them rather than me. It’s honestly heartbreaking. My career has stalled - a career I worked really hard for. I’ve made lots of sacrifices and sometimes I feel like I get nothing in return. I know that is a bad way to think as children owe you nothing, but it is hard to tell yourself that sometimes.

Not sending advice but am sending complete solidarity. And a big hug!!!

If you’re a teacher then you know about behaviour management. You’re just exhausted because you’ve had to deal with other children professionally at work and at home you want to be able to switch off that persona and relax. Unfortunately your children have other ideas and if you try to summon the energy to treat them like a job and like the children you work with you’ll likely see results. If some of these scenarios were playing out in your classroom I bet you’d know exactly what to do.

They’re not school age children.

The 5 year old is

There is a world of difference between a five year old at home and managing a class of children.

I don’t think that they are particularly awful children, but together they are pretty difficult and I’ve been running on empty for some time now.