At breaking point with parenting; have lost hope of it getting better

[kettlesonnow]

I have posted about this before but not on this board. I don’t know how anybody can help me (so if I seem to be saying no a lot please don’t take that personally) but I need to reach out.

Basically I feel I made an absolutely huge mistake when we decided to have a second child and this haunts me almost daily. I have read threads on this and most seem to be from women with the youngest child aged under one, so things are still shaky. For us, well, we’re nearly three years in and it’s still fucking awful!

My two are five and nearly three. Apart, they are OK … definitely not perfect but manageable.

Together they are unmanageable and I have really tried to follow the advice and read the books and it hasn’t made any difference at all and I’m still miserable.

They work one another up, they won’t leave one another alone, if one is happy and playing quietly the other intervenes to ensure that ends. They become different people around one another and people who in all honesty aren’t very nice. I am frequently mortified by their behaviour to be honest and I’m conscious that makes me tense up and things more likely to go wrong.

I am now at the point where it isn’t advice on parenting I need but how the hell I can survive this without becoming someone I dislike too. I’ve become irritable and tense, impatient and easy to anger. I’m also absolutely filled with regret for the life I could have known. And I know I need to get past this because I can’t do anything about it now, but I just can’t.

Cleaner? Put your older one in some more after school or weekend clubs so there is a buffer between them and the younger one? Divide and rule at weekends? So one of you takes one and one the other. Or one of you has Sunday afternoon off and one Saturday? I find lots of playdates and getting out the house good.

Also I know it's probably deeply frowned upon on mumsnet but I sometimes let DS watch tv while he eats dinner and he seems to be fine. Sometimes you have to preserve your peace a bit in the evenings.

I know the issues are deeper but I would use all the quick fixes I could to make life as easy as possible so you can get some headspace.

We do all of those things and it helps but it isn’t enough. We can’t afford to do ASC more than we do currently which is 2 days a week.

Ultimately after 7 years of disrupted sleep, screaming at every meal, constant mess (the sort of thing you can’t wait 3 days for a cleaner to sort out), and being on high alert as all they seem to do is hurt themselves and each other, my nervous system is in pieces and nothing short of a 2 week all inclusive alone is going to come close to helping. An hour to sit with a cup of tea does fuck all, whatever ‘me time’ I try to get at home they barge in and shout my name.

I’m studying for a qualification alongside my career which I love and energises me but once that’s done I have no time for socialising or anything really. I do go away with friends 1 or 2 weekends a year but within a week of getting home I feel the same.

I have a 3.5 year gap between my kids so it feels like I’ve had a baby or toddler for a very long time. I’m just ready to move to the next phase, and get some fucking sleep, and they’re not. I’ve tried everything.

Even writing that (I’m hiding in the bedroom with my coffee) I could hear them screaming and fighting on the stairs and DH having to rush over. It’s all just so stressful. Today just more of the same

i had a cleaner at one point when pregnant with dd and I didn’t find it any help whatsoever. Sorry if that sounds ungrateful but all it does is add to my stress levels as I’m frantically charging around tidying so they can clean and then it stays clean and tidy for maybe an hour and the kids trash it again. I still have to clean and tidy. If I could find a housekeeper maybe! But that’s not realistic in the slightest.

I’ve already made dd cry because she tried to drag me up demanding to go to soft play. It’s the same formula every single time where I try to nicely say no or it’s a yes but not immediately and she just won’t accept it, keeps endlessly repeating herself and then ends up crying when I shout at her.

Weekends are the worse part of the week and I’m already feeling a bit sick at the thought of August.

I really sympathise OP, it sounds awful for you all.

I won’t give any advice, but I wondered how much time they spend outside? The only thing that helped me in that stages was bundling them up and letting them loose outside in the fresh air. It was brilliant at tiring them out so they were calmer when we got home too.

I know you said you didn’t want parenting advice but they sound absolutely feral. Throwing food? Dragging you out of bed etc?

Yes, the problem is clearly they wind each other up etc but I think a big part of it is that they just don’t listen to you. No idea what consequences you have in place for them throwing food and just generally being naughty but you need to get tougher. See if there’s a local parenting course perhaps.

I genuinely really feel for you, I don’t mean my lost in a nasty way, it just doesn’t sound like they’re very well behaved, irrespective of their sibling so I’d be looking into that for a start. DD only threw food once, it got taken away and put in the bin and she went to bed hungry that night. Yes there was a tantrum, but she never did it again!

Yeah I’m aware thanks. That really improves my mental health. I’ve only read the first sentence as I can’t actually bring myself to read the rest. I can’t see or remember anything about throwing food but I’m sure they have. They don’t do as they are told is for sure.

They spend loads of time outside. I do a lot of activities with them as they destroy the house and all my things otherwise.

This will be unpopular but I’ve bought both of mine iPads and actually bought a second TV for the kitchen area, it’s all been a game changer. When I feel I’m not coping they just have screen time for half an hour, sometimes you just have to go with the easier option.

Solidarity. It’s brutal, especially when you can’t be the parent you want to be for whatever reason.

I just want to share something that helped me when I was in the trenches of small children:

imagine that you being observed by your teenage self, or you at your most vivacious and energetic. Mine is when I was 17. Great age! Imagine that self watching your interactions and the abuse your kids are meting out to you at the moment. She’d be like: what the FUCK mate. Imagine what she would do - the energy she would bring to it.

You need to get back to who you were and THAT IS POSSIBLE WITH SMALL CHILDREN. It’s not about weekends away or yoga classes or lie ins. It’s who you actually are.

The reason that girl or young woman (past you) has that energy is because she has an army of people surrounding her, loving her and supporting her: parents, teachers, friends, lover? You need them again. tap back IN. Call your family and get them over, talk to your mates, you need connection that isn’t draining you. The kids are.

How often do you and your husband spend 1:1 time with each of them? And what does that time look like?

Also, the youngest is 2yrs old. I wouldn’t expect this to have improved yet.

We are trying our best which I’m aware is still woefully inadequate. But.

I have sacrificed my finances to work very part time and so DD gets three full days with just me while ds is at school.

DH does try; he’s taking ds to football now. I took ds to a party yesterday. But ultimately most of the week there’s two children and one parent. And there’s nothing we can do to change that.

She is 3 next month; I thought things would get better as we approached 3.

It does get easier OP. Mine have same age gap and those ages were a bit of a nightmare in terms of the clinginess. They are 11 and 9 now and it’s sooooo much better and easier! Do they have their own rooms or share?
I fully support the use of screen time to chill out a bit and have some quiet time. Come home from school and they have some separate time, then come down for a sit down family meal.
What childcare have you got available to you, and do you work in those times? If you do work, can you have a bit of time off (even if on sick for stress) before the holidays to be able to chill? It’s not selfish to look after yourself first!

Sorry I cross posted! Will DD get 30 hours childcare in September?

It's not just about a reset for the adult though. If they're tussling for attention, give it to them, 1:1. Fill their bucket.

Mine are 5 and just 3, they wind each other up no end. They fight and roughhouse. Now I can get grumpy with them, do all the stop this stop that get off there etc etc, very draining and exhausting, but I've found that if I embrace it and join in their play, and show them how to play together, then everyone's a lot nicer happier and calmer. Until I have to disappear to cook/answer the door/hang the washing. It's a juggle but those moments in between help.

Then there is that my youngest really, really misses their sibling during the school day and a lot of their energy comes from a place of love and excitement at being reunited at the end of the day. But my youngest doesn't know how to channel that energy in an appropriate way yet, so I have to model it for them. Meanwhile my eldest is still learning about sharing and shouldn't be expected to share their sweets gifted from a friend to mark their birthday, so I preempt this - mine have a sweets cup and get to dip in and choose something occasionally. Everyone is learning. Learning is exhausting.

Parenting is hard.

Have you considered the eldest might have adhd? That level of dopamine chasing isn’t really the norm, having both had 2 of my own and working in the special schools in my area and also mainstream. Maybe some medication might help him focus better or if you don’t want that route maybe seeing the world through his eyes could help you parent in a way that suits his needs and help you understand him so you can feel less hopeless. Earplugs are also your friend, you sound very overstimulated 😩

All I can see are the tears ahead filled with screaming and yelling and conflict and then eventually they’ll both leave home without happy memories of their childhood

Mine fought with each other when they were small. Even now the 20 yr old and 14 yr old will have a good old verbal battle about something. But somewhere along the line the physical fighting and yelling stopped.

But they don't have sad memories of childhood. They don't think the arguing and fighting is a bad thing. It's just playing to them. They would be screaming and yelling about something then 5 minutes later sitting on the sofa together watching tv and I'd still be raging about the earlier bad behaviour.

You have to try to detach yourself a bit. Just let it wash over you. It will pass.

Let it wash over you with limits obviously. Buy most of it when you step back you can safely ignore. Apparently it's good for their development, if that makes you feel any better.

parents.highlights.com/6-reasons-roughhousing-good-children

Sorry maybe it’s not your eldest, your son (the story about the sweets is classic adhd dopamine chasing from winding his sister up)

I could’ve written this, except I have three and they are 5, 8 and 11 and it’s only getting worse not better. It’s absolutely soul destroying, the constant competition, annoying each other, physically fighting one another, it’s insane. I didn’t grow up like this and am just at a loss as to how to stop it or to cope with it, your comment about the smacks in the 80s totally resonates. They have no fear or consequences or currency that they care enough about to behave better, and I find all kids now are so grabby and expect stuff bought for them constantly or to be taken places all the time, when I’m trying really hard not to instil those. We don’t give them devices and we have one tv after two tvs in different living areas was a disaster between three of them, we’re doing the 90s parenting there of making them learn to compromise! But Christ it’s dire to live through every day. The older two don’t go to sleep until 9-10:30 so we’ve no evenings, no family support nearby, mostly just me here refereeing or tapping out for my husband to do that when he gets home.

No advice, just solidarity.

OP why did your DS still have his sweets after disobeying you? You don't have to smack them (or have them fear you) to make them respect what you say. If you don't want cuddles, don't have them. If you don't want noise insist they use their inside voices, with consequences if they don't. You're not going to damage them by showing them that Mums have feelings and sensory limits and boundaries too. Be the leader. Stop repeating yourself. Give them three warnings and then follow through and really do follow through all the way. No TV, no sweets, no fun times with Mum, no friend's birthday party etc etc. Whatever the (safe) consequence is that your DC will really pay attention to, do it. There will be tears, probably lots, and it will be hard to hold the line, but you need to. You only have to do this a handful of times before they will start respecting your words and your boundaries.
I have strong-willed, energetic DC, now teenagers, and I had PND and PNA from the birth of my first (and still struggle sometimes tbh) so this is coming from a place of experience. You can do this. Please do keep pushing to get medical help for yourself as well though. I managed to find a good psychologist after 3 attempts and that really helped.

Did the gp offer you any medication?
Something like sertraline would likely be very beneficial for you. Its very effective for anxiety as well as mood, so would basically just settle you to a level where things feel managable.

Because I’m a shit parent but also because he can eat faster than I can move. Have you tried to run after a five year old, two year old and prise a half eaten drumstick lolly from them? Have you? No. Then back off.

They don’t give a shit for any consequences. Like literally don’t. I mean yes in that instance they’ll scream and cry because they have missed something but doesn’t stop them doing it next time.

Yep @Garman , it takes me around two hours to get mine to bed. And then I’m done and spent and I want to go to bed myself. Half the time I don’t even eat. Just go to sleep. I just like lying in a dark room. I have no life and I don’t even care.

@summitfever ive considered it but nothings standing out and he’s never get diagnosed and I’m not sure I want him to be.

@Teapleasemilknosugar you’ve read DH is basically crippled and not here in the week and I have 3 days solo with the little one and still try to have 1:1 fine with them both? Are you offering to PayPal me money for a nanny? No? Then please don’t give me advice that is designed to make me feel bad and clearly I can’t follow it.

DD goes to nursery 2 days a week when I work. She’s doing 3 days next year but I’m working 3 days so no difference.

I would go back full time. You'd have more money and more child free time.

You sound like you are depressed generally. I'd go to GP, get hormones looked at and Iron levels and talk about either HRT or SSRIs.

I would also end up sacked for poor performance. I can’t do everything!