At breaking point with parenting; have lost hope of it getting better

[kettlesonnow]

I have posted about this before but not on this board. I don’t know how anybody can help me (so if I seem to be saying no a lot please don’t take that personally) but I need to reach out.

Basically I feel I made an absolutely huge mistake when we decided to have a second child and this haunts me almost daily. I have read threads on this and most seem to be from women with the youngest child aged under one, so things are still shaky. For us, well, we’re nearly three years in and it’s still fucking awful!

My two are five and nearly three. Apart, they are OK … definitely not perfect but manageable.

Together they are unmanageable and I have really tried to follow the advice and read the books and it hasn’t made any difference at all and I’m still miserable.

They work one another up, they won’t leave one another alone, if one is happy and playing quietly the other intervenes to ensure that ends. They become different people around one another and people who in all honesty aren’t very nice. I am frequently mortified by their behaviour to be honest and I’m conscious that makes me tense up and things more likely to go wrong.

I am now at the point where it isn’t advice on parenting I need but how the hell I can survive this without becoming someone I dislike too. I’ve become irritable and tense, impatient and easy to anger. I’m also absolutely filled with regret for the life I could have known. And I know I need to get past this because I can’t do anything about it now, but I just can’t.

My DH also used to work away a lot and having a strict bedtime routine saved my sanity. Improving that could make a big difference to the rest of your day.

Have you spoken to school and nursery? Do they see any of the behaviours that you find challenging? If so what works for them? When ds1 was being particularly difficult, his state primary were really helpful and he had some 1:1 sessions that were hugely helpful at unpicking things.

I would also reach out to your health visitor. Their role isn’t to be judgemental and they’re not going to call in social services (going on what you’ve told us). Be prepared to need to persevere with any new approaches and be very, very consistent. Nothing works overnight and sometimes things feel like they’re getting worse before they get better.

I really hope you can turn a corner op xx

There’s not much different I can do at bedtime unless I start getting them in the bath at 4 or something! Edit, like I say we aren’t living in complete chaos and dysfunction. They have routines, ds does homework, dd goes to toddler classes etc.

Me too. I hear them in my voice. It’s awful. They did smack us though, a lot, and I’ve never smacked DC. I hope they know I’m trying my best.

I think part of the hardship is I’m not a ‘lazy’ parent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not baking sourdough and doing zero screen time with wooden toys. But I try hard when it comes to their diet, to limit screen time and select what they watch, to make sure they get enough fresh air and also downtime while doing essentials like swimming lessons and homework. I make sure they’re in bed at 7.30 every night, and that they don’t forget what they need for yet another bloody themed nursery/school day. They don’t have tablets.

And given we are now expected to entertain them 24/7 as kids don’t play out, this means an awful lot of hard work.

Same @Twisterlollies , but in these last few weeks the most awful things have come out of my mouth which I bitterly regret and am ashamed of but in the moment can’t seem to stop.

Just had a huge tantrum over a toy watch and I’ve flung it into the road and screamed in pure rage, it’s fucking awful.

To be perfectly honest, I have never taken a parenting class, other than online ones which are pre-recorded videos only, so I have no idea if they are better than a book or not. My assumption, which could be wrong, is that because it's face to face, there would be an element of being able to get feedback, e.g. they explain a technique and you'd have a chance to say "When I do this, my kids respond XYZ - what do you do in that case?" and get some more personalised advice, which a book or website can't really give you.

The other thing which can be better with a course than most books/online content is that if they are designed well (I have used some books in this format) they start with one simple tool which tends to help even when everything else is utter chaos, and they build on that, so that by the end there is an overall improvement, and each week as you come back you report back how it went using the tool which was practised previously, with again chance for troubleshooting. Sometimes I think when you read a big chunk of a book or watch loads of videos on instagram the ideas all sound good but when it comes to an actual moment of conflict with the DC there is no one thing which comes to mind and so you fall back on the automatic reaction.

And another thing which I tend to find is good about face to face learning is that there is often a chance to use role play, which, while it is a bit contrived and can be cringeworthy, tends to stick things much better in your memory than only reading about them or watching videos of other people doing them. Plus, it gives the course leader chance to see you (or other people) using the skill and make subtle adjustments, which you might not have recognised on your own.

But in any case, a parenting course is not the only possible thing which could help. There are most likely other things which could support you, whether it's medication (which can be temporary) or emotional support or practical support.

Your parenting responses where you feel like your parents are stress responses. It's really difficult to access the sensible/rational part of your brain when you're in that state. If you can get out of the stress response then you will likely be able to respond in a much calmer, more controlled way. Everyone has a stress response sometimes, but when it's happening a lot of the time it is a blaring alarm siren that something is wrong.

There is a book I like which is not a parenting book as such but it's called When Your Kids Push Your Buttons - it sort of prompts you to think about why certain behaviour triggers a stress response.

Just one last thought too - could perimenopause be a factor? And/or, do you notice that the rage is worse during certain parts of your cycle? That can certainly be addressed with hormone therapy.

SSRIs will really help with this kind of thing - the sharp bit which causes the uncontrollable rage in those moments will be dulled, you won’t feel that sharp surge of anger any more. I know it doesn’t fix any wider issues but once the rage surges stop, the guilt will ease off and then you can see things a bit more clearly.

I think I possibly do need to look at medication. I’m worried about weight gain though (and my GP is crap so I don’t know how I’d access it but there are doubtless ways!)

This is serious. You need help - both with your mental health and parenting. Urgently.

Is there more than one GP at your practice? You could try to make an appointment with another one.

Medication can be a temporary solution to help you get into a better place where hopefully you'll be able to use all the really good things you probably already know. I would imagine at the moment, 90% of the stress response is because you are dreading the fact the DC together can be difficult, and then this tip the three of you into a cycle where you're expecting them to be difficult and may be irritable, which stresses them out, then because you are on edge expecting them to kick off, you overreact to the first slight sign of difficulty, which causes them to go into a stress response and misbehave more. So if you can get to a place where you can use parenting strategies to address the first bit of misbehaviour and work on strengthening their relationship and communication, they won't be (as) difficult together any more, and after a while of this, the thought of them together won't trigger a stress response in the same way, so you might not need anything to blunt the stress response any more.

If it helps I haven’t gained weight, they actually suppress my appetite a little. Honestly they will help - they won’t change your situation but you won’t be screaming as much, and therefore you won’t have the guilt to pile on top of everything else. My sleep also improves and I’m less jumpy.

I think that’s a good choice. If you’re worried about weight gain, can you work out? I know that this is probably the absolute last thing that you want to do but it might also help to get you into a better place.

I agree with the post from BertieBotts. It does seem that you have to decide what you’re willing to change.

Are you able to have any time away from the DC to think through what is stopping you making changes now, and which change you’re willing to make for the good of you and your DC.

Ha ha ha. It isn’t athletes foot; I can’t just pop to the pharmacy.

I have no faith in my GP after the time I tried to open up. I felt like an idiot. To be honest I’m not even sure when I’d fit an appointment in.

I know these posts are meaning to be kind but some of the answers show how woefully you’ve misunderstood my situation. I can’t work out no. I barely get time to breathe most days. I am ‘on’ from 6 in the morning until 8 in the evening and then I am in bed by 9, asleep 930-10.

But having a real person to listen to you might help.

But this is what I mean about the advice being so far removed from my life.

When am I going to attend this parenting class? With a husband who is away more than he’s here and so crippled when he is here with pain he can barely walk? Can anyone answer that?

Meds are the 1 thing that don’t require extra time or effort from me. I don’t have the time for yoga, or deep breathing whenever I get overwhelmed, or a ‘parenting course’, so instead I throw 20mg of fluoxetine down my neck every night and finally it does work, I would say it’s made me feel 30 or 40% less bad than I did. I definitely shout much less.

When the GP asked if I wanted to register for any additional help I declined as I simply don’t have the time or energy. They seemed surprised that I just wanted the pills.

How about tiredness? I’m exhausted enough as it is without adding to that.

@kettlesonnow you’re coming up with reasons why you can’t or won’t try everyone’s suggestions.

It does sound tough, but you simply have to engineer a way to make changes. Having a huge tantrum over a toy watch, flinging toys into the road and screaming in rage is not normal and is going to be harming your dc.

Can you phone your health visitor tomorrow and ask for an urgent home visit. Tell them all the things that you’ve told us. What’s happening with your dc, with you and your DH and how hard it is to get support from your GP and work with them to go from there.

sending solidarity my love , like others I’ve gone to hell and back…

one thing helped me massively , and it hasn’t been mentioned here as such , is being on adhd meds . Made me non emotive, totally focused totally unfazed by what my kids been doing and make be the total boss of myself and them !

if you have any inclination you might have had focus issues in your life, look into getting diagnosis …. Magic meds sorted out my family life and myself (although I got them for work ). Although I went via my GP, I got diagnosis and meds within 4 weeks!

if not, do look into SSRIs like others said ; my sister is on them (what a family eh 🤣) and she’s the calmest ever and great mum

sending so much love , you’re doing amazing even by typing your thoughts here !! you’re absolutely not alone xxxx

If you don’t like the fact my life looks as it does then find another thread @Muchtoomuchtodo . I’m not defending my situation. I don’t have a HV; my youngest had her last involvement at the two and a half year health check which she actually had early IIRC so last November.

I may have to look into (illegal!) SSRIs as I’ve no faith in my GP.

I’ve seen people recommend using earplugs/ Loop ones - in that they make the screaming less hearable as such, but you can still hear enough so it’s safe

Yeah I keep meaning to look into those. I hate the feeling of headphones / earbuds though!

OP I get you are really struggling right now but you’ve had some really good advice that you are just dismissing.

It’s very clear that you’re not coping, so you HAVE to do something. You need to find time to go to the GP and get help/medication. Throwing things and screaming at your children is not ok. It may well be part of the problem with their behaviour.

You need help with your mental health, antidepressants could be life changing for you. They obviously won’t change your circumstances but they will improve your ability to cope and reduce the rage you’re displaying.

Book an appointment with another GP.

Taking illegal drugs you find on Facebook isn’t going to help.

You also need to talk to your husband and tell him how bad things are if he hasn’t noticed.

He can also take a day off if need be so you can go to the doctors.

If he can work he can look after the children for a few hours.