Support. Please anybody?

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Hello. I know that I'm asking for a lot from strangers, but could I please have some support on here, if anybody is able to spare any?

I will be there for anybody if you are also having a hard time.

I have love to spare if anybody else is struggling. I wanted to post this on MH but need it to disappear.

I'm not sleeping & I'm so stressed. I am having online counseling once a week (& they say that my anxiety & depression is off the scale) it's not really helping like I thought that it would, although I'm still grateful that I'm able to have it. It's making me talk about things & I don't want to talk about things.

I'm sorry but I really need to be vague. Next Monday, the 7th, I may be losing contact with my children.

I can't bare this pain. I'm trying so hard to hang on.

Please, is anybody able to be around & post every now & then until the 7th, just so that I don't feel so alone?

We can talk about anything, distraction, if anybody wants to talk about anything?

I have been on here for 10 years but this is a new name.

I know it might not feel like it right now. But it will leak something in years to come xxx

It sounds really difficult. But one day you will look back on all this as a distant memory and think about how you got through it.
Just keep going...it's all you can do sometimes x

IsItAllMenopause I don't know, I don't think that any of us will ever recover from this

I'm getting extra time with one of my children tomorrow, as they've been upset today about things. Me too. It's just been a tough day.

Thank you so much for the support.

Hope you get some sleep tonight OP and have a good day tomorrow

Thank you Eldermileniummam. I'm feeling very low tonight. I was staring into the clouds earlier just wishing that I could fly away & be anywhere else instead of in this life.

You will get though this OP

Thank you for the support, Eldermileniummam. I don't feel like I will.

I was just having a read back. @IsItAllMenopause, hopefully you are having some lovely times with your son?

How is everybody doing?

Things are still very difficult for us.

Lots of tears for me today.

I'm told to live in the moment & not in the 'What might or might not happen'. But, what they don't understand, is that living in the moment is horrible. It's lonely, confusing & sad.

Hi there!
He only got back last week and has gone off to uni! He had a great time. He's thinking of doing it again next year. I'm just glad he's back in this country!
I was actually thinking about you earlier. Sorry you are still having a hard time.
Life can be so difficult sometimes 😪

Thank you IsItAllMenopause It is so very difficult, & relentlessly, shockingly cruel.

I'm so glad that you were at least able to spend some time with him! & That he is having fun, all that we want is for them to be happy, isn't it (& to see them a little bit, too!)

Yes, it's lovely to see him off having adventures! I'm glad he has more confidence than I had at his age.
I'm not sure if you've already said but have you tried writing everything down? In the past I've found this can be useful for sort of processing painful stuff. You could write a letter (even to yourself!) or make a diary. There's something about getting it down on paper (and destroying it afterwards!) that seems to help get it out of you. You could even write letters to your children even if they never get to read them. Apologies if you've already tried this.

It's chucking it down here again. Proper miserable day!

That's a good point, IsItAllMenopause, I don't think I'd have been brave enough to do that at his age, either! You sound like a lovely mum

I do like to write things down, normally. I have notebooks all over the house. But with this situation now, it doesn't help. I don't know why.

Also, reading back over old notes from meetings where I was desperately asking for help, to stop things getting to this point, & I still remember that I had some hope then, just breaks my heart now.

I have no hope now. None. I just need to get through it.

Ah yes I can see why writing doesn't feel helpful then. Do you do any art or craft work? I've recently started crocheting. I'm absolutely rubbish but it is absorbing enough to take my mind off things.
I think you should give yourself some credit for keeping going. Sometimes that's all we can do.

IsItAllMenopause Thank you for being kind.

I do crochet using a kids crochet dolly thing (are you using one of those? As my wool keeps going skinny & I can't work out what I'm doing wrong!)

I also like puzzles & colouring. I can lose myself for a couple of hours listening to music, but generally whatever I'm trying to do my mind just wanders & I end up staring into space just thinking about things.

People keep trying to tell me positives of hardly seeing/or losing all contact with my children. I might be able to 'see' these one day, but all I can see right now is pain.

I haven't seen those crochet things. I'll have a look. I think anything that keeps the mind and hands occupied is good even of the end result is a bit crap!

Those people sound a bit thick if you ask me!
It absolutely does sound painful. Sorry I don't have any better advice. My late mother in law who was very wise and kind always used to say there's always someone worse off than yourself. I try to think of that when I'm feeling bad.

IsItAllMenopause Thank you for talking to me. I googled them & they are called 'French knitting dollys'. I think that I'm a bit too good at it as I whiz through them!

Do you do other crafty things?
I used to do cross stitch but not for years now.

That is true, I do say it myself, also that my children are (relatively, maybe not mentally) well, & healthy, so this is a positive.

It is just so very difficult. I would find it much easier if things were fair. If I was being 'punished' for doing things wrong as a mum, fair enough. I've always, always held my hands up & said 'I find this part of parenting difficult' etc, But that's not what it is, & that's what makes it so hard.

I'm tempted to get one although I seem to have a growing collection of discarded hobbies! Including cross stitch sets! I'm not actually very good with them or patient enough to finish them off.

I think it sounds as if its the unfairness of your situation that you are struggling to accept. I don't think there is any easy way around this.

I've recently had a situation with my adult DD where I feel like she is rewriting history a bit. It was a bit of a bolt from the blue. I still haven't got to the bottom of it with her. It just makes me think that there are so many facets to relationships and how complicated life seems sometimes!

Anyway speak soon x

IsItAllMenopause You should get one, they are a good distraction!

Yes, that's what I'm struggling with. I feel like a child as I spend a lot of my time saying 'But that isn't true/But that isn't fair as that didn't happen'. There just aren't other ways to word things sometimes!

And all my 'buts' aren't being listened to.

I hope that things resolve theirselves with your DD. It doesn't sound easy!

Morning!
No it sounds very frustrating and upsetting. But also something you will have to accept at least temporarily if you are to have any peace. Easier said than done!
Thanks I think things will be okay with my DD. She's been having a stressful time at work and moved house so I think she was just taking it out on me!
What have you got planned for today? I'm off out soon for a life drawing class!

IsItAllMenopause Yes, I actually asked my counsellor if she could help me with the living in the moment & acceptance type stuff but she just said those things are really difficult for some people to learn, & then didn't say anything else!

I hope that's what it is, with your DD.

That sounds amazing, I looked for one of those near me a few years ago but couldn't find anything, have you been before?

I have 2 online courses today & I have my children later on.

It's a shame that she couldn't help you with that. It's obviously not easy but definitely something worth working on I think.

Yes I've done the life drawing classes a few times. It's a bit strange at first but then you kind of forget it's a body, and it just becomes a series of shapes. It's very absorbing! We usually do a few quick sketches, so you really have to just get on with it and forget everything else.

What are your online courses if you don't mind me asking?

IsItAllMenopause That really does sound like something I'd like, I'm going to look into it again & see if there are any around here.

I'm not really any good at it but I do like drawing. I used to like drawing bowls of fruit & things at school!

Both of my courses are related to the situation, ones that I've found myself.

Morning!
Yes I'd have a look again as they seem to be getting more popular. It's quite interesting talking to the models too. We had one man who was a former opera singer!
I'm not mad on online courses. They remind me of covid times! But obviously good for some things!

IsItAllMenopause I hate doing stuff like that online. I'm the person asking 'Can we not do it face to face?' & they always say 'Oh, most people prefer it online'. Not me, I find it really distracting seeing my face, I'll sit there thinking 'My eye looks weird, look at my fat cheeks, my hairs a mess today, that lady's got lovely hair, I wish my hair was like that, that guy looks totally chill, I wish I was as calm as that' & my thoughts wander...

Although I don't really have an attention span lately as there's so much swimming around in my head. I was that person yesterday who sat there listening to the instructions on our task & when they said 'Go', I then thought 'I have no idea what they just said. Literally no idea what just came out of her mouth' as my mind is elsewhere. & Then I give myself a hard time for messing other people around & I feel bad.

Ha I have the worst attention span ever! The art classes have actually helped with this as the life drawing classes are usually started with a few quick draw poses and then after that you get longer poses. Also my teacher in a different art class has basically told me stop chatting and concentrate!! And then I've done better work so sometimes it is worth the effort.

I think for you though it's all just part of the situation you are in. I guess the longer things go on it will become your new normal as sad as that may feel.