Support. Please anybody?

[LowestLow]

Hello. I know that I'm asking for a lot from strangers, but could I please have some support on here, if anybody is able to spare any?

I will be there for anybody if you are also having a hard time.

I have love to spare if anybody else is struggling. I wanted to post this on MH but need it to disappear.

I'm not sleeping & I'm so stressed. I am having online counseling once a week (& they say that my anxiety & depression is off the scale) it's not really helping like I thought that it would, although I'm still grateful that I'm able to have it. It's making me talk about things & I don't want to talk about things.

I'm sorry but I really need to be vague. Next Monday, the 7th, I may be losing contact with my children.

I can't bare this pain. I'm trying so hard to hang on.

Please, is anybody able to be around & post every now & then until the 7th, just so that I don't feel so alone?

We can talk about anything, distraction, if anybody wants to talk about anything?

I have been on here for 10 years but this is a new name.

@LowestLow I have only come across your thread this evening and read all of your posts. Your pain screams out from every single word. I am so sorry you are dealing with whatever it is you have to deal with and hope for a good outcome, if one can come from this, comes from this for you and your children.

Thank you Suednymph. It's kind of you to post.

I don't listen to my 'Cast' song any more, as I can't 'Walk away' I just have to be 'in it', in this hell forever.

I listen to 'Someone you loved'. I know it's about 'lovers' but it came on the radio when I turned it on, as the first song, the other morning when I had one of those horrendous dreams where I woke up & couldn't find my children & I was crying trying to work out where they were, & of course, they weren't here.

These lyrics.

I'm going under & this time I fear there's noone to save me
Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And your not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
& Then you pulled the rug
I was getting kind of used to being someone you loved.

Don't ever take it for granted that your kids will always be there.

We have happy memories but they are gradually being erased/replaced by horrible ones (as in, my child is telling me that they are unhappy memories) & this is breaking me.

My heart hurts for you it really does. Your pain is palpable.

Would an independent advocate be something you would consider OP?x

Thank you YesHonestly I can't find an advocate, a lot of organisations aren't able to help due to the nature of the situation. I have tried.

Last night was horrendous. I did have one of my children with me but I had terrible nightmares about evil people appearing through the ceiling light & trying to grab my child. And variations of. I was waking up in so much distress, fighting off things that weren't there

Today was another difficult day.

I'm so upset about one thing in particular that has happened. And I don't know who to talk to/try to talk to about it.

I think the nightmares are a very normal response to the trauma you are currently going through.

I know you don’t want to speak on the situation and that is absolutely your right, is there a way you can be vague so someone might be able to help? No pressure and it’s fine if you’re not comfortable.

Your local authority have to provide an independent advocate if you have nobody else to help, and have trouble communicating your views/understanding information - does any of that apply?

Have you spoken to The Advocacy People? X

YesHonestly Yes I've always struggled with meetings & similar & I've been belittled during the meetings for having a pen in my hands (like a fidget, as my counsellor told me to try this) lack of eye contact, my facial expressions etc, etc.

So now I'm absolutely terrified of any such meetings, & want to spend them with my hands over my face, so that I can't be criticised for those things any more

I have spoken to any advocacy service around my area, & those out of area too, in the hope that they may be able to help.

I have had some PM's & these have helped... I know that I sound incredibly negative (I do know this!) but there just isn't much that anybody can do to help right now.

You don’t sound negative at all.

You sound lovely x

You don't sound negative. You're in a very difficult situation and you're handling it pretty well

Thank you Eldermileniummam & YesHonestly That's very kind you to say, you are both truly lovely people.

I feel like I put on my 'fake happy face' when I go out.

I often get told that I look 'Pale/tired/exhausted, & there's just the odd occasion when somebody will ask how I am & I kind of shake my head & don't answer, otherwise the tears are going to come, but on the whole, I hope that I hide it well!

MN have kindly moved the thread from 30 days to MH, as the terrible situation is going on for longer than it was supposed to.

'So wake me up when it's all over'.

I wish that I could run away & not come back.

So sorry to hear that. Would it help to tell us what's going on? Not trying to pry but maybe if you are feeling low and isolated it could actually help to get boosted/practical advice from strangers. Try and do something simple like make a nice meal for yourself tonight

Thank you Jigaliga Theres so much going on.

And I spend my days begging & pleading for some support & there just isn't any.

i just feel so utterly hopeless, I can't ever see a way out of this & I can't ever see a way back to my children, but thank you for answering me.

That's why im saying, at this stage you maybe dont have much to lose by seeing if strangers have some practical guidance for you. Please keep your chin up. It will all be okay xxx

I know, Jigaliga I really wish that I could. I desperately want to but I don't think that I'm able to as the situation is just taking longer.

It's cruel, when you think that it's going to at least have some resolution on a certain date, & all that actually happens is you are plunged into new depths of hell for months & months longer.

I will be ok.

I should see my children tomorrow. I hope. So that's something.

Hi OP, how are you today?

Hi IsItAllMenopause Thank you for checking in, how are you?

I feel a bit like a broken record, but it's been another terrible day.

On top of this, I have barely slept the last 2 nights & I'm so tired, so very tired, but I'm scared to try & sleep too.

I will be ok. I get to see my children tomorrow.

I'm okay. I'm missing my son who is doing Camp America. He's having a great time so I'm glad he's going it really.
Have you tried doing any meditation? I'm not a great sleeper but I've recently started doing some meditation which I think helps me relax. Its very basic stuff really. Just doing a body scan and counting breaths. But sometimes it helps me drop off.
Sounds like you're still in a difficult place. Try not to think too far into the future. Just get through each day as best as you can. I try to remind myself that we don't live in tomorrow.

IsItAllMenopause oh that sounds amazing for your son! When is he back? Hard going for you though. Hopefully he comes back with a load of happy memories to share with you

I think I'd be ok if it were just me that's being effected but the main things that I'm struggling with are how hard it all is for my children/being powerless to make things better for them. And the goalposts kind of kept moving so the 'end date' just keeps changing & that's so hard to deal with.

I've never been a great sleeper either but it's really odd now (& hard to describe) but when I do eventually drop off, you know when you kind of startle awake like you'd fallen? Well I keep hearing a loud noise Which jumps me awake (& I look at the time & it's been 20 mins since I last looked) & then I'm wandering around the house looking to see if anything actually made the noise or if it was in my head.

I have tried meditation for general stress relief, I'm glad that it's working for you right now!

He's back in September. I've actually been looking forward to the beginning of August just so I can think 'he's back next month!'. God I sound a bit pathetic!
It sounds as if there is so much that is out of your control. And that is very hard to deal with.
I know what you mean about the jumping back awake. It's a horrible feeling. I think it can be very difficult to switch our minds off when we are going through stressful times.
I sometimes think that we are still like cavewomen around a campfire alert to any noises in the night!

IsItAllMenopause It's awful, I feel like my mind is just purposefully torturing myself & I don't know why my mind hates my body so much! The other night I was convinced that the noise I'd heard was in the loft & I wasn't going to go up there & check but I decided that somebody must be up there. So you can imagine how easy it was to go back to sleep after that.

It's not pathetic, that's lovely actually! August is probably going to feel extra long for you this year, though.

Oh that sounds horrible. It's so easy to get carried away in the night thinking you've heard a noise. Things definitely feel worse then.
My mother in law used to take a small radio to bed with her. And her rosary beads!

Yes August will feel like the longest month ever. I'll just have try to stay busy.

IsItAllMenopause The saddest thing is that when I had my children I used to know that I'd get a fairly decent night's sleep, I used to say that it was because we were all back where we were supposed to be, but that doesn't work anymore.

Can you find something to do, like a gardening project, huge puzzle, something like that, that can keep you busy for the month?

I do have my music on overnight most nights but it only helps sometimes, & sometimes it adds to my confusion lately, as I'm trying to identify noises (that aren't really there) & wondering if it was the radio.