Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

I am mortified at myself. I’ve been struggling so much with depression and anxiety and I’ve not been ‘right’ for about a year now. Yesterday I freaked out, went to the woods with alcohol and pills and was sitting trying to psych myself up to take them. Then my STBXH rang and I answered and he rang the police. They came and I got handcuffed because I totally freaked out and tried to run away then was screaming my head off. I’ve totally lost the plot. I ended up being taken home and the crisis team came and were pretty unpleasant with me so I felt even worse. I’ve got kids ffs what’s wrong with me? I just seem to lose control and feel like it’s all too much and I won’t get better and can’t carry on. I have a consultant review next week and got diazepam and zopiclone for now to keep me calm but I feel like such a failure. I need to get a grip of myself, I know I do, but it feels impossible at the minute 🙁

I’m so sorry. What a difficult day you had. Please be as kind to yourself as you can manage. The crisis team are just a tool you need to put up with to get the support and medication you need. All the best hanging on for the consultant review.

Do you have genuine support from family or friends? In our area they have a dedicated Mindline, which I’ve not tried yet (as I only found out about it yesterday). I’m sure your area will too.

Bipolar is such a hard illness to live with. The middle zone you’re in where you desperately need help immediately but the crisis team don’t view you as being in a full crisis is so painful. Take care.

Thanks xxx yes I have friends and family who are supportive so I am lucky in that respect. And even though we are splitting up my husband is supporting me too, he is a good person. I hate having to deal with the crisis team, they made me feel like a real fool and I suppose I was but it didn’t help my mood one bit I suppose at least they have given me ‘supportive’ medication - all I want is to feel like myself again!

Infact they made me feel like it was my own fault that I’m depressed and I need to just stop being depressed 😖

It's really easy to not be depressed. You wake up look at the blue sky and click your ruby red shoes together and wish out of the dark

Ah cheers I’ll do that! 😂

I always find summer depression harder. It's not that I experience it more but I do find that other people's understanding is less. Tell someone you are feeling depressed on the midst of winter and you hear about the short days, filled with grey clouds and rain. Many are feeling the grey fuzzy haze around the edges and it makes sense that a person can be struggling.

Tell them the same in the spring and summer and you hear about getting out into nature, going for a walk, looking up at the sun and be thankful, eat fresh local seasonal vegetables. Like it's this simple thing that everyone learnt whilst you were obviously doing something else that day.

I've not drawn my curtains today, I did not want to see the blue sky and the guilt of not getting "out in the fresh air"

I had a line in my head as I took my daughter to school this morning if you look a little closer you will see the despair. From a distance I looked alright - dress, tights, heels. The dress was covered in coffee that I spilt on it 3 days ago, it was just the closest thing to clean I had out, the washing basket is full and I've lost track of the clean/dirty piles, the tights were on the floor worn at least twice already and the shoes were the only ones that didn't have laces and this morning tying laces was beyond the energy I had.

My hair was twisted up in a bun but only because it hid the fact it's so knotty I can't put a brush through it, showers and brushing my hair are in the twice a month category at the moment, I hadn't brushed my teeth, breakfast was still in the microwave as whilst I had the energy to prepare the porridge it turns out it didn't last as far as eating it.

I dropped her off, headed straight back home and pulled the covers over, but yes to the other mums and teachers too, who didn't look too closely this morning I seemed alright

@SuperscientistIt's not only you. I've been on the same clothes all day that I wore to work yesterday, even slept in them on the sofa. Was so exhausted coming in from work and dealing with a load of emails, that I flaked out on the sofa. Woke at 4:55am with a pounding headache that turned into a migraine, so phoned in sick (was working from home anyway). Haven't moved off the sofa all day. I have soo much to do.

The dishwasher needs emptying and filling, there's about 8 loads of laundry, 2 massive piles of clean clothes that need to be folded in the kitchen, every room needs hoovering, dusting, and general tidying up from all the crap that's accumulated. And as more my bedroom- my wardrobe contacts are over my floor where I thought it was a good idea to sort them out a couple of months ago, then ddad got rushed into hospital and passed away, so I've been trying to sort out everything that goes with that. No one tells you what you have to do when someone passes. All the things that have to be sorted. And all the money it costs.

Dp keeps asking to go place on the weekend, out for coffee, cocktails, food. All I want to do, and all I have energy for is sitting on the sofa watching box sets. Even then admittedly I can't follow plots. I'm just so exhausted right now.

Ah I am so sorry you are both feeling so shitty as well. Thank you so much for your honesty about what life is like for you at the moment - It has really helped me you sharing this - I feel less alone with it. We will be ok xxx

I'm sorry you had a migraine @mindyourhead78 they are horrid, I hope you are doing ok now.

How are you doing this evening @MarmadukeM
My mum and dad came over and helped me get rid of all the mouldy half eaten food in the fridge, emptied the bins, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, ironed my daughters school uniform and folded 2 of the 3 baskets of clothes. 💗

They have had a bad week as they had to have their last two pets put to sleep yesterday due to old age and I think they needed to be busy and distracted

My partner managed to blitz the kitchen this evening too so the house and the house work feels a little less like it's caving in on me.

My partner and I had a difficult day yesterday where pretty much every conversation turned into an argument but today was better.

ah that’s good that you got some practical help and that you weren’t rowing with the husband.
I had an ok evening actually, a bit of anxiety but mood was better than the day before. X

How’s everyone doing? X

how have you been today? I have been thinking about you and hoping you’re doing ok.

I called CMHT the other day and said I needed more help. I called the duty team as I don’t have a consultant since mine left. They asked who my care coordinator was - I said I didn’t have one. When they checked I was still down as having the last consultant who left last year. The person was ok on the phone which was a positive . Said they’d request a new care coordinator be assigned and mention the therapy. I won’t hold my breath but have set a reminder to call in a couple of weeks.

it just feels so shitty that there are plenty of ways to help me - I don’t think I’m a particularly complicated case. But no one who can help me has the capacity too.

My DH is still being lovely but he seems to have decided that talking about it doesn’t help right now. I try to pretend I’m ok which works up to a certain point but it also exhausts me. I thought he’d read up on it but he didn’t know bipolar depression is distinct from unipolar depression.

My GP has agreed to be trying metformin to counter act the lithium weight gain. I don’t think being several stone overweight is helping my mood. GP said not much evidence it will help but no harm trying and it would be great it does.

I’m doing ok thanks. I’ve been trying to do stuff to stop
myself sitting ruminating so I have had a couple of walks and that. I bought a colouring book, it was an expensive one that has special pens and it’s quite good actually to occupy the brain. I went to my new house today (can’t remember if you knew but am divorcing and moving out) it should all be sorted in the next few weeks but when I went I felt a bit freaked out about the fact I’m going to actually live there. It needs some stuff some so
i I am trying to budget/work out what my priorities are. It’s weird though, if I was ‘well’ I’d probably be embracing it and picking curtains and what not but because of my mood I actually find the whole concept very stressful. And then that makes my brain start saying ‘see, you are really mentally unwell, you can’t cope with anything, what a loser’.
im lucky that I get on ok with my ex so I can stay living with him while I get all the crappy stuff done(rewire/damp course and new kitchen mainly). But it’s very overwhelming at the minute.
sorry you are getting passed from pillar to post, the metal health services are really crap. I don’t think I’m being mean saying that, I am under community and haven’t seen my CPN for weeks as she is in sick - she replaced last one who also went on sick. (Maybe it’s me…😂) last Saturday the crisis team were saying how poor it was that I wasn’t being ‘supported’ and that they would see if duty worker could.see me. Guess what ? Have heard nowt. X

So I rang the treatment team to confirm my appointment time for tomorrow with the consultant and guess what? No one actually made it! (Crisis team told me a week past Sunday that their medic wouldn’t be seeing me as I already have a consultant and so had to wait 9 days to see him as he was going to review me on the 9th). You couldn’t make this shit up😖
they have not even suggested making me an appointment at all so I don’t know what to do about it all, they suggested I ask the crisis team on Wednesday when they do my visit what has happened.
id rather they focus on getting me actually seen by a doctor than finding out who fucked up! X

Oh no. It’s so hard when you’re having on and administrative error compounds the situation. Do you think getting an advocate would help you? You’ve got so much else to deal with too with the house preparation and divorce.

I dunno, I hadn’t thought about that as didn’t know was an option. I’m usually quite good at putting my point across but I was just completely gobsmacked. I run out of meds tomorrow night as he was supposed to be taking over the prescribing. I have told them this so they are going to have to do something to make sure I dont run out so when they contact me I will ask them what the plan is about getting a review done with someone. I have no faith in them at all. I have had 5 CPN appts over last few weeks and 3 have been cancelled. I’ve had 4 doctor reviews and 1 was cancelled and another never made. So at least half the appointments never actually go ahead. X

Of all the specialities you’d think psychiatry would be one of the ones where you should have a bit of trust in them but no.

Hoping someone is out there today. I've quit my job after 10 years. My workload was doubled, and despite my bipolar I was offered no support. Went on sick for 12 weeks, still no support. Then when I finally hand my notice in, they email me with all the things they can offer. But it's all too little, too late. I feel so very sad but I don't want to go back.

I’m here xx how do you feel about it all? Do you think you could have continued in the job if they did make an effort to ‘support’ you? I am off sick and in similar position in that I think my job is making me worse as it’s in nursing and it’s constant problem
solving and putting up with unpleasant behaviours etc I fantasise about working in Tesco or something where it is more chilled out but I’d take a hit financially. I’m still considering it as the thought of going back feels unbearable at the minute.will you be ok for money? Do you have a plan going forward or do you just know that you can’t continue there and you are going to take a bit of time to consider what you do next?Just that is another potential stressor, losing income. It’s shit trying to manage bipolar disorder and I’m sorry they’ve been so crap with you. X

Even if I go back, there's a restructure in the offing. And the people currently going through that have had it hanging over them for 6 months. My line of work is next. So I don't think going back is a long term solution. I think I have to get out.

Ah I see, yeah I can see how the uncertainty would be massively stressful. Would you need to find another job asap? X

I can give myself a 3 month breather. But doing nothing isn't always good either. It's all so bloody difficult when your brain feels like it wants to explode with anxiety

Ah I know mate xx what I am trying to do is fill my time in so I’m doing some colouring in (sounds a bit tragic but it is relaxing ish if I also have tv or radio on) and I’ve started knitting a scarf and that seems to switch my head off a bit. I just watched a you tube video on how to cast on etc - I bought needles and wool for about a tenner. Try and get some form of exercise every day, even a 30min walk and if you can be arsed try and see people (I know it might be the last thing you want to do but if you force yourself it helps you not be too isolated). And try and make yourself eat. Again, easier said than done when you feel like shite I know. Even if you do a few blocks of activity per day it’s something and it will help even if you don’t want to do it. I’m under crisis team at the minute as I’ve been really bad and they basically put a rocket up
my arse and said that if I want to recover I need to do ‘behavioural activation’ rather than sitting ruminating all day long and relying on a silver bullet of medication.
if you are v anxious/not sleeping well then maybe they can give you some diazepam and zopiclone? I’m having short course zopiclone as I was sleeping only 1 or 2 hrs quite regularly and as we know it tanks you when you have bipolar. I know it’s hard to get diazepam but I think when you have bipolar they are a bit more understanding and might let you have a week or 2 - ish worth asking as will give your head a break. I feel for you, I really do x

Don’t want to sound like a know it all, it’s just what I am doing at the minute to try and get myself out of this fucking hole. X