Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

My diet massively changed at the same time as I stopped breastfeeding my allergy baby on a very restricted diet at the same time but I gained a stone in the first 8 weeks of being on lithium and then gained almost another stone in the following year. I did sometimes manage to lose half a stone of that but it was up and down

Just checking in as I haven't been on here for a while. Have my review with the psych on Friday. Missed my last one as I phoned to request a different date as couldn't get out of work and they never gave me another date. So it's been 7 months since my last review.

Last review she wanted to send a letter to my boss requesting I had less work as she didn't think it was sustainable!! I work away a lot(too much) and she's worried that all the stress can trigger an episode (or as I like to call them a blip). So will see what she says Friday.

Just to add, I'm currently on Mounjaro. I'm 3 stone down so far. Have not noticed any difference in my mental health. Haven't had an episode since January and that was more anxiety based. Been on the WLI since Feb.

@TopsyTurvyDaysi am on lithium and need to come off of it at its affecting my kidneys more and more. I drink at least 3 litres of water a day so unfortunetly drinking water doesn't always help. I hope you find it useful though, I haven't had a full manic episode since bring on it.

I’m sorry to hear that. I hope coming off it works well for you and your kidneys improves once you’re off if. I presume they’re moving you onto a different medication, maybe an antipsychotic or is it another mood stabiliser?

I have only had one full episode but I came closer than I liked to another one when my lithium level dropped a little low and they corrected with a dose increase. It made me realise that hoping I would be one episode and done was totally unrealistic. I do fear having to come off lithium, as it has worked really well aside from the weight gain.

It’s so great to be able to discuss these things with you all. I’ve stopped talking to friends about it as I want them to feel I’m the friend they chose still and I guess I want to save them for if times get tough again. Same with my DH, he’ll always listen but compassion-fatigue is a real thing! I think about it a lot still though. It was really helpful to write how I felt a few weeks ago on here and then just try and keeping plodding on.

@TopsyTurvyDaysI'm already on lamotrigine and olanzapine as well so I'm not sure whether they'll just up the dose. They've already upped it quite a few times recently. I hope your kidneys will cope with it, I guess some do and some don't and it's pot luck which way it goes. I've been on it about 9 years now.

Yes it's very useful to be able to talk about how you really feel. I also feel the same way with friends and my partner. My partner struggles when I'm ill so I've been trying to minimise how much I talk about it.

Hi, hope its ok to post, I don't think I have bipolar (not 100% sure) although I do have "episodes" and was thought I might have it when I was younger (in the years where it was the diagnosis of choice for women with mental health issues). GP thinks Cyclothymia is possible, I've swithered with wondering if its Autism/ADHD, had severe depressive episode early 20's then psychotic episode late 20's. Prenatal Depression (and possibly Post natal) in 30s. Now menopausal and having a slight hypomanic "phase".

Doc has put me on Quetiapine which is helping. I work part time (currently off sick due to being a bit chaotic). Asked GP recently if I was going to be like this forever "No, its just a phase" but concerned, I want my sensible brain back
How long do you find "episodes" last? mine didn't go full blown this time, no hospital needed, but was v close, and definitely heading towards "normal" again, I think.
for those struggling atm

Have you tried melatonin - I had awful PND with I studies thoughts and my sleep was all over the place. It helped a little

I’ve had 4 proper episodes and they lasted different amounts of time. I think with psychosis it’s all depended on how early I’ve managed to be put on olanzapine. I seem to respond to it very well. The lows though have had less of a pattern. Sorry that’s not very helpful probably.

I have only had one episode and that was without psychosis- so they classed it as hypomania. I had lost all ability to sleep or eat or do more than monologue at people and have few memories of some of that time. I was hospitalised for nearly a month. Like TinnedTom, going on olazapine worked for me at interrupted the episode.

Hi everyone, not read the whole thread but came on to start my own and this may be the place to post. I have type 2 bipolar and over the last 20 years have tried every mood stabiliser with horrible side effects and little help. I now just take 200 quetiapine at night. My illness is stable in the sense that it is predictable. I get depressed every 3 years and am ill for about a year.
I just wondered if anyone has a similar cycle and what they ,manage to do whilst depressed.

Thanks for replies @TinnedTom and @TopsyTurvyDays I'm definitely relieved that I caught it this time before having a full episode, realised my sleep was disturbed and had started to ramble at people and feel panicked at times, GP gave Diazepam until I could see another GP that had more mental health knowledge. Quetiapine is helping stabilise but still feel "woozy" with it, not sure if its my brain or the meds doing it.

@BipolarBears hi, are you on an antidepressant also? I am on Venlafaxine (75mg) but GP I've seen recently (who is mental health specialist) has said its not even at a level to stop depression (had been kept on it for maintenance dose) so after I stabilise (currently getting over hypomanic type phase) it should be increased to a helpful level.

I've had at least 4 episodes with psychosis - 2 with high moods, 1 mixed and 1 depressive but the way my psychosis manifests means it isn't always picked up. It's very internalised and I can look perfectly normal but my thoughts are way off and I'm paranoid and delusional
I've lost count of depressive episodes and hypomania. There was a period of time where I was depressed August to Feb and high every may to July.

@BipolarBears my depressions have been harder to treat. There's only been one episode where I have been able to have antidepressants without them sending me high and that was with very high doses of quetiapine. Lamotrigine doses nothing, olanzapine makes me dizzy. I was semisettled on quetiapine for 10 years. It didn't take away episodes completely but allowed me to stay functioning despite the depression. Then I had my daughter and nothing helped for a very long time. It took 2 years to recover from it and it was classed as treatment resistant. I ended up in quetiapine, mirtazapine and lithium all at the highest doses and lamotrigine too. The lithium had to have blood levels of 0.9 or higher which left me slightly toxic. I had some therapy alongside and that did slowly start to bring me out of the episode.

Interesting people are asking if I am on antidepressants. I have always been told they are contraindicated for bipolar. That said I am now depressed and was prescribed them by a psychiatrist but told to only take them for 8 weeks. As soon as I came off I became much more depressed. They seem paranoid they will send me high despite no evidence of this.

All the best with your review tomorrow.

I presume you’re not taking lithium. It seems to be particularly listed as a drug that means you can’t be prescribed monjaro. Well done on the weight loss.

Are you being treated by GP or psychiatrist? My experience has been that GPs don’t have the specialist knowledge required to monitor drug support for bipolar. My GP practice is amazing but they don’t have the knowledge to support me when I have trouble with sleep or high mood.

@BipolarBears they use them very cautiously with me. I had one episode where I went from suicidal to manic in 12h after 1 dose of an antidepressants. I was on lamotrigine and olanzapine which don't really work for me. I was taken off both after this.
I then went on mirtazapine and medium dose quetiapine and that was ok for a short time in that episode but then it started making me high.
They then avoided antidepressants for 10 years until I developed severe depression and psychosis. They tried mirtazapine again but I had to be on 600mg quetiapine which didn't help they added in a second antidepressants raising my quetiapine to 700mg first which didn't help they tried a different second antidepressant and that didn't help. I then went into hospital and tried venlafaxine but they were hesitant about me being on it and put my quetiapine up to 800mg. I managed to stop breastfeeding so they switched me to lithium after 5 days. This helped me drop from severe to moderate depression. I was then given the option of staying in hospital and trying venlafaxine again or being discharged with lamotrigine. It made just enough of a difference that I could get back to work and start engaging with therapy. It took another year to recover.
The plan should I get depressed again post natally is to try mirtazapine if I'm still wanting to breastfeed but preferentially they would to introduce lithium. No psychiatrist outside of the consultant at the mother and baby unit have been happy with doses of quetiapine over 600mg

@TopsyTurvyDays i pay to speak to a psychiatrist when needed as I get about 2 years stable mood so it’s very much ad hoc.

Thanks! No not on lithium, I was but came off it due to the enormous weight gain!

Had the review- I was in and out in under 10 minutes. Been prescribed an antihistamine that works on anxiety, which I'm suffering with the most at the moment. I find the anxiety harder to deal with than the bipolar!

Glad your review went - or at least it sounds like it if it was only 10 minutes.

For those on lithium, do you find it makes you very tired? I really struggle now to get up and going in the mornings. But then I’m not sure whether it’s the medication or the fact that I’m low on iron which I found out recently - or just life with a four year old!

How low is your iron. When mine was low and I didn’t know it, I used to wake up and feel like sobbing because it wasn’t bedtime.
I do find it slightly hard to get up and out of bed. It’s ok once I’m up - but I’m on so many medications that I’m not sure of one of those causes that or my illness!

Glad review ok. Could I ask which antihistamine they prescribed? I find my anxiety by far the worse symptom and wonder if my consultant would consider prescribing it for me.

When I was on lithium I was a zombie. It took me a long time to demand I came off it as it made me so useless. My sympathetic GP agreed with me that that time period was the most ill she had ever seen me. Obviously it’s different for different people.

I’m it sure if I’m reading the results correctly but looks like my iron was 9 when last tested? So I’m on some high strength iron tablets to sort that. Could well be the cause of my tiredness, or like you say the condition itself. So difficult when you’re on multiple medications to know what’s what.

If it’s the same scale as the one my surgery uses. 9 is low! Mine was 13 and I was wiped. Used to just wake up and want to so. That it wasn’t bedtime. I was iron tablets 3 times a day and still on 1 a day. They did work quite quickly although GP did warn it could be a couple of months to really feel the benefit of the tablets.

Just thought I would pop on to let people know having bi polar no longer entitles us to covid boosters. I am being given flu but not covid as they have tightened up the criteria.