Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

I’m not even attempting double unders! When I started I couldn’t squat with my arms overhead even holding uPVC pipe - so I’m currently celebrating being able to squat to depth with a bar while arms overhead. I would never have realised it was my ankles that were the issue.my next goal is to try and do a proper press up by the end of the year. Never been able to do one. I’ve got upper body strength now but my core is weak and I can’t lift my hips up from the ground.

I’ve always been a slow burner socially. My exterior doesn’t match my interior and I can come across cold and uninterested when I’m an emotional ball of fire inside if I’m not careful. All my attributes take time to notice. I’m loyal, honest (almost to a fault! One friend said I accidentally hold up a mirror to people and they don’t always want to see it!) and I’ll always help out. So I focus on those things. I’m practiced at being friendly and welcoming to newcomers, if someone tells me some news I try and remember to ask about it next time I see them. I suspect I also have autism or social anxiety but my sibling and parents were all very social so I’ve learnt to mimic them. Our gym is super social and full of socially anxious people so my DH and I fit right in. It is the loveliest gym we’ve ever been to and everyone is invited to their social activities so we go to everything we can. How long have you been at your gym? My aunt always says that it takes at least a year of knowing people before you can answer the question “how are you honestly”. Sometimes I find that I feel boring around some people - I used to berate myself for being boring but now I accept that I just resonate at a frequency too different to them. It’s not by chance I’m sure that my DH and my dearest friends all had very damaging childhoods. Not necessarily abusive but emotionally neglectful with no adult that could be relied upon emotionally.

Sorry, that was long and waffly and an insight into my ongoing angst. Please skim read or ignore if it’s too long’

Not waffly! I like the way you use the phrase "resonate at different frequency".

I hate being asked "how are you honestly?". It feels so disrespectful of my boundaries- such a personal thing to ask.

I agree. I used to think people were somehow entitled to the inside of me and I had to offer it up to have what I wanted in life but bizarrely being section cured me of that. They didn’t want me to talk about what was going on for me at all. They got what they needed from my DH and told me that to dwell on imy thoughts during those times would not help me. It’s been such a relief. I’ve stopped trying to feel at peace with all the angst and pain inside and instead find a way to live with it there while I go and do things that do make my heart sing. My internal voice is horrendously critical (do you find that?) so I’m trying to soften it, as I would be appalled if I overheard something speaking to someone the way I speak to myself inside!

YES!!!! I wouldn't dream of saying to people what I say to myself!

How’s everyone doing? I’ve had a tough couple of weeks, still have a lot going on and then stupidly read the recent thread on here about having a partner with bipolar.

Decided it’s not in my interests to post on the thread - I name change weekly as I know someone who was “discovered on mumsnet” years ago so it would have been under a different name to this, but I decided those people’s experience wasn’t my reality and I didn’t need to get involved. I want to say hope none of them work in emergency services or NHS and that whilst I would agree no one should put themselves on fire to keep someone else warm, the lack of empathy to people with difficult, debilitating health conditions is awful.

Coming up to my hardest months of the year. I don’t often feel more than just a little depressed, all my support in hospital was about dealing with the hypomania that landed me in there, but I’m struggling today.

Hi @TopsyTurvyDays .

I'm really sorry that you are having a rough time at the moment. Nothing very helpful to add but wishing you the very best.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time @TopsyTurvyDays August onwards is hard for me too. As soon as the days start getting shorter I know I have to start being careful. Do you have much support at the moment?

I'm having a tricky time too. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and for the last couple of weeks I have been experiencing extreme fatigue that's resulted in me being admitted for observations and tests. Where they decided it was fatigue but instead a depressive crisis. My psychiatrist got a frantic email from the ward saying I needed an urgent psych assessment as I was acutely unwell. Thankfully her and my Obstetrician had both seen me recently and stepped in to get me some tests. They can't find a specific cause for the tiredness but the tests have shown my body is struggling with pregnancy so I'm being induced today. It was a frustrating 24h trying to persuade the midwives/jr drs to take me seriously when I said that I couldn't stay awake and it was nothing to do with depression. I saw every MH professional they could think of who took one look at me and said I don't know why I have been asked to see you. Your clearly unwell and it didn't take much conversation to determine that despite everything my mood was pretty good

Sorry you have been struggling @TopsyTurvyDaysis there anything that usually helps you?

Sorry you have been struggling eith the end of your pregnancy @Superscientistit's sounds like it was all a bit of a panic! Goog luck with being induced, and good luck for the birth of your baby, how exciting 😀

I've finally been starting to feel a bit better and hearing the voice a lot less now although severe work anxiety is getting me down a bit.

How are you doing today @TopsyTurvyDays ?

@Superscientist I am sorry to hear you are having such a rubbish time. I had something not dissimilar happen to me when I was in a general ward... the staff just see the BPAD diagnosis and stick every symptom possible under that (Broken leg? Nope, that's your anxiety talking!). It makes me want to scream. Hope you feel better soon.

Just want to recommend a book called "Unheard" (sorry, cannot remember author). It's explores how women are not listened to by medics, especially those with MH problems. I wanted to throw a copy at a GPs head recently.

I'm sorry you are struggling with work @Mousse . Is anything helping at all?

@ByLimeAntit's awful when they think everything is related to your mental health. I've had my fair share of that! Women have such a hard time bring believed.

My therapist is trying to help. I've got some compassion focused mindfulness to listen to which is helping a bit.

Hey how’s things going? Hope you and your baby are doing really well.

Good to hear you're feeling a little better. How’s the work situation going?

I’ll have a look about for that book.

Hope your September is going well.

I ended up being induced on Sunday and baby arrived on Monday and we are home and doing well.

There was a bit of a confusion when it came to being discharged when they were wanting me to wait for an imaginary appointment with my psychiatrist before allowing me to leave. I passed on the phone number of my cpn and that sorted it out thankfully

I ended up having 3 admissions in total and after the first one they were much better at focusing on the physical stuff whilst ensuring my mental health was supported.

By the time I was induced my physical health was awful and struggled through labour with having to sleep every couple of hours and didn't have the energy to stand up through labour which is my preferred position. I dread to think what position I would have been in had I not been able to advocate for myself as well as I managed.

Well done on advocating for yourself so well especially when you were feeling so physically unwell. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to listen to me. Thankfully my DH did and advocated on my behalf but it was challenging. I’ve made sure it’s written all over my notes and computer records.

Super congratulations. I’m so glad you’re both home and doing well. Enjoy those newborn snuggles.

Congratulations @Superscientist!

Hello, I stumbled across this thread and would like to join.

Congratulations @Superscientist

Like a few on here, I’ve found lithium really helpful and have been stable for some time now. I hope it’ll be the case long term, although I do worry about the possibility of kidney problems. My only side effect so far is that I’ve gained 2 stone in a year of taking it and the weight is still creeping up! Has anyone experienced this / have any tips for getting it under control?

It’s nice to read about people’s experiences as I do feel quite lonely with BPD sometimes. I keep pretty quiet about it - only some family and some close friends know but to be honest I don’t really feel I can talk to them about it.

Hi. I’m glad you found us. I have also found it lonely to have bipolar.

I gained 3 stone with lithium. But when I first started it and was on olazapine too I actually lost 2 stone. But I couldn’t sit still on olazapine so I wondered if the fact I needed to constantly move had an impact. As soon as I had finished tapering off olazapine, I quickly gained 3 stone.

I haven’t lost the weight yet but I have stopped it increasing by upping the amount of walking I’m doing as well as going to the gym 5 days a week. I’m also trying to limit the overeating by drinking lots and lots of water. I find I tolerate lithium well and don’t have any side effects other than the weight gain and possibly a tiny tremor in my thumbs. I do worry about the impact on my kidneys. I’m very careful to drink at least 2ltrs of water a day. I do wonder if people get into issues after taking it for years because they relax on the hydration side and maybe stop drinking enough. Most of my weight is on belly - is yours?

From what I’ve read, lithium doesn’t directly mess with metabolism etc but more impacts the brain andfeeling satiated etc and is more likely to contribute to weight gain in people who already have some level of weight issue. So I’m focusing on why I emotional eat - it’s a tricky balance as I used to keep busy and a bit stressed to stop any low mood or emotional eating run away with me but now I have to keep my life as stress-free as possible. My tolerance for stress has plummeted. I really don’t want another episode of hypomania and ending up in hospital again or not able to drive.

Many congratulations to @Superscientist
Sorry you're having a difficult time @TopsyTurvyDays And greetings to everyone on this thread. The best book I've read about living with bipolar disorder/manic depression is Kay Redfield Jamison's memoir An Unquiet Mind
(TW suicide attempt and bereavement)

Just got it as an audio book. Thanks for the recommendation.

Yes all on my belly! I know I should just see the positive of being well but it’s really getting me down. My clothes don’t fit and I just don’t feel like ‘me’.

I’m amazed you lost weight on olanzapine - when I was on it I put on over a stone in 3 weeks (then lost it then started to gain on the lithium). You’re right that being more active is one of the answers - I was running regularly last year but somehow seem to have got out of the habit. My psychiatrist suggested weight loss injections but wasn’t willing to prescribe them herself as she doesn’t have experience of the interaction with lithium. So not all that helpful really.

Thanks for the book recommendation @ForestSloth. I haven’t read too much of that kind of thing (I think possibly because a lot of me is still in denial about having the diagnosis) but I will seek this one out.

I looked into weight loss drugs. My GP surgery were fab and said they’d do weekly blood tests if that was needed. Spoken to Psychiatrist who. couldn’t see an issue but double dchecked with their specialist pharmacist who said no pharmacist would dispense it. No direct interaction with the lithium but monjaro slows down stomach emptying which can play havoc with levels of lithium in blood and cause lithium toxicity. I would totally be on weight loss drugs if I could!

With hindsight, I wonder if I had some sort of Akathisia on olazapine. I started lithium only a week after so I wasn’t sure what was what especially as I’d only just been diagnosed. I also have high cholesterol since being on it.

That’s really interesting (if disappointing). I was sort of holding out hope that I might be able to get the injections. But I’ll re-look at my diet and try to up the exercise. I know I should just be pleased that I’m stable but it’s hard.

Totally agreed. It is hard. I want to be able to enjoy getting dressed and going out etc again. Ive upped my protein and try to go for a 20 min walk immediately after eating, as i find that’s my hardest moments - I don’t feel satiated when I finish my meal and just want to eat more. That feeling settles for me if I drink a large glass of water and head off for a walk so food isn’t just a cupboard away.

I think it's far to early to determine how safe and what precautions are necessary for the use of the weight loss injections with medications as difficult to manage as lithium. They definitely can impact the effectiveness of medication based on the changes to stomach emptying time. There has been an increase in pregnancies whilst on oral contraceptives whilst using weight loss injections.

When developing and understanding medication and dosage in terms of frequency of mediation (once/twice a day) and the amount is dependent on a clear understanding of how the body processes the drug. There are two factors that really have to be understood which are the time it takes from taking the drug to the time it has been absorbed and is in the blood stream and second factor is how long it takes your body to clear that drug from your system. What you want is for it to get into the blood stream in a predictable way and then stay in for as long as possible. If you slow down the time to takes for a drug to go from being swallowed through the stomach and often absorbed in the intestines you it is going to be slower to get a therapeutic amount of the drug in your blood stream. If the time it takes to clear the drug out of your system - for lithium this is by the kidneys speeds up you then will find that you need higher doses to be effective or find that a dose no longer manages symptoms. Or alternatively the changes to digestive time means the drug gets into the gut quicker, if it's then lost slower from the kidneys more of the drug will stay in your system and then you risk toxicity.

At some point it probably will be possible to use them but its a bit like medication in pregnancy you need time to get data on people where the unknown risks are worth trying and working out what the impact of the combination drug and then collecting those case studies to determine if it's safe to use in combination and under what circumstances is it recommended.