Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

Hi all,

Thank you for making this thread. I hope you don't mind me joining in?

I have bipolar 1. I had some bad manic and depressive episodes in the past since 2015. Came close to taking my life in 2015. Had 5 hospital stays but then had 5 years of stability until last year when I was pregnant with my first child. I had a psychotic episode, then another after the baby was born landing me in an MBU. Then postnatal depression. Now I seem to possibly be having another psychotic episode (not sure if they will change my diagnosis to schizoaffective disorder). I seem fine on the outside but then (usually at night) I hear a voice in my head. It's hard to carry on normally. I'm telling the perinatal team that it's just flashbacks to what happened last year. Not sure if they believe me though. They've been fantastic compared to the community team in the past. They've upped my lamotrigine and olanzapine, which doesn't seem to be making a difference (if anything it's getting worse). I need to come off lithium soon as it's affecting my kidneys.

I work as a health care scientist and only just started back at work after maternity. Really don't need sick time right now. My work are very good and understanding though and have witnessed my episodes first hand, including my first manic episode where I thought a colleague had a gun in her locker!

Always worried about where this is going as I can't bear another hospital stay. I have PTSD from previous hospital stays. The MBU was a much better experience although I still hated every second of it.

I have a great therapist at the moment. Only taken 10 years to get proper therapy from the NHS.

Thank you all for posting. It's good to hear others experiences.

Hello Mousse1990 ! Like you, I'm grateful to TopsyTurvyDays for starting this thread.

It's so hard having your first baby even if you have no mental health problems! I hope you're enjoying your little one; they grow up all too quickly, tho it may not seem so just now when you're in the thick of it.

It's good you have a supportive neonatal team and a great therapist (invaluable), and I do hope you have support at home too.

I'm sorry you're being disturbed by voices. I was on lamotrigine for many years and it gave me terrible nightmares and night terrors, along with other dreadful side effects. You said you think lamotrigine and olanzapine are not helping any more. I have had really bad experiences with so many antipsychotics over the years and have found the only one that's helped is Aripiprazole - and amazingly I've had no side effects from it.

I've no medical knowledge and don't know if it would be appropriate for you, just wanted to mention it as I've been through similar to what you're going through now.

I do hope that things will get better for you, as they have for me, and send you my very best wishes.

I'm actually pretty good thanks @ForestSloth . I'm so glad to hear about the psychiatrist; will you see her again?

Welcome @Mousse1990 , it's great to have you here with us!

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties that you are having. I understand about the PTSD from previous admissions, I actually can't remember a lot of mine and I'm sure not all of it was down to my initial MH problem.

Great news about your therapist. Mine made such a difference and I was lucky enough to have her for 2 years.

We are always here!

Hi Mousse1990, How’s things today? It sounds like you’ve had a rough time. I hope the support you have now continues to be better than you’ve had in the past. It does make such a difference having the right support that you actually need. I didn’t know I have bipolar when I had my kids but looking back it was a very emotionally turbulent time, especially with my first baby. That did get better once the hormones settled and I got some proper sleep.

I’m visiting relatives at the moment. It’s lovely but also emotionally difficult. I’ve bought the sleepy antihistamines with me which have really helped.

I'm still struggling (even though i appear completely normal on the outside).
Just seen my therapist for an hour and a half. Went over lots of methods to help try and bring me back from the voice. It was a very useful session. She's going to get me a bit more support from the perinatal team and get one of them to see me during the week which is helpful.
I dont want more med changes yet as only been on the new dose for a few weeks.
Hope everyone else is doing ok. Yes having a baby is a turbulent time, even though mine is 13 months now it's still turbulent! Amazing how much having a baby can affect your mind!

@Mousse1990 my worst episode was after my daughter was born. I took ended up in a mbu with depression and psychosis. Mine was worse at night too when the line between reality and non reality seems blurry and fragile for me.
I went from mat leave to sick leave and took a while to get back to as close to full time as I could manage - I found I could only work two days at a time so I did 4 days with Wednesday off.

I hope the extra support from the perinatal team helps. It took 2 years for me to get back to stable after having my daughter. I had vig therapy which helped, I later hand counselling with my HV to process everything that happened in that 2 y period as it was a lot.

@ByLimeAnt
@Superscientist
Sounds like you've both had really difficult time as well.

Yes being admitted is the worst thing imaginable. I dread going back, especially if it's not an MBU.
Yes the line between what is real and not real right now is getting worse. I'd say it's about 50/50. I'm dreading potentially going off dick when I've only just gone back. I'm doing a phased return with my annual leave currently. Sorry it took you so long to get back to normal, I have a feeling I might be the same. I also did VIG which helped a little bit. And I also have Wednesdsys off so I only have to work 2 days at a time, I find that helpful. I worked part time before I had my baby after struggling full time for a few years.

@Mousse1990 would it be worth speaking to your GP about a fit note and getting the phased return more formalised? Not fully off sick but say dropping down to 2-3 days a week for a month and with some flexibility to try and get you more stable before there's the need to be fully off sick?
I had 1 month fully off sick, 1 month doing 2-3 days a week then the third month doing 3-4 days a week then I formally went part time.

@superscientistI'm really trying not to go off sick at the moment. I've asked my boss if i can do an easier task at the moment which she is fine about. I've got plenty of annual leave to use up so I could go 3 days before I go back to four u guess.
I hate being off sick and I don't want to have to much. The voice is better when I'm busy. I do have a bad habit of trying to carry on as normal. I've gone straight from work to hospital twice before.

Same... I started back at work 2 days after my discharge from the mbu and had my daughter not been already over 12 months I would have been kept in for another week or two.

It is a hard balance. Have you come across the soothing, threat, drive triangle? I basically live in drive to cope which isn't always sustainable!

I have found reduced hours and duties more beneficial that full sick leave too. I'm a lab user so there has been times when I have been switched to desk based jobs for risks and also less stress on me

@Superscientistthat sounds really tough. Sorry you had to cope with so much all at once!
I've not heard of that no. I will look it up, thanks!

It was part of the cft course I did with the perinatal team. I found the course challenging and if anything made me worse but some of the theories we learnt alongside it were helpful. We loosely followed this book www.amazon.co.uk/Compassionate-Mind-Approach-Postnatal-Depression/dp/1780330855

Broadly in response to threats you can move to drive or soothing systems or between the two. I personally find soothing system often very distressing which is a bit odd. I had some sessions with a psychologist on the mbu and described the soothing system as ripping off a bandage from a gaping wound and prodding it. There's emotional stuff I've not dealt with and it's painful. I need to deal with it at some point but it never feels like the right time. So to avoid those feelings I move into drive mode where there's a protective barrier between me and the pain only downside is it can lead to burn out...

I have over the years gotten better at accessing the soothing system when in place of stability and emotions are less raw but I tend to need to do this is a physical way so I do things like cross stitch or colouring which quiets my mind but there's a little activity just enough to keep the raw emotions in a safe container.

@Superscientistjust had a look at it and it makes a lot of sense. I think I can only activate the sooth system when I'm well. It seems to be completely forgotten during an episode. Sorry the course made you worse.
My therapist is trying lots to keep me from sinking further, it just seems like such a battle at the moment alongside going back to work, baby starting nursery and my uncle dying.
Life is hard sometimes although you remember the good times and try and keep hold of that knoeing it wont last forever I guess.

How is everyone else doing?

Hope everyone is doing ok. It’s lovely to read all the support and suggestions. It’s hard enough going through the difficult times when the illness flares up - it’s precious to not feel so alone.

I had EMDR back in the days when I thought I had c-PTSD. It didn’t work at all although the theory was great. It was weird because the therapist accurately described how I felt (which wasn’t usual) but whenever she tried an exercise with me I just couldn’t feel safe enough to get it to work.

Everyone here with me is stressed for one or another reason. It’s making me feel very hyper vigilant and stressed out. Usual pattern is for me to absorb it all but I now know that ultimately leads to me going ping so I’m trying to strike a balance.

Hello TopsyTurvyDays
And hello to all the others on this thread.
I hope you have managed to stay chilled and not take on everyone else's stress. So hard when you're the one holding it together by absorbing their stress.

Here's something that I've just discovered that really relaxes me when I'm wound up: DH found me some lavender scented Epsom salts (I know - so old-fashioned!) He got them in the chemist for £1.49 a smallish packet :) Soaking in the bath for ages in the evening, listening to soft instrumental music is so peaceful. The water feels really silky and I emerge wrinkled but calm and ready to sleep.

Mousse1990 hope you're still getting help from the perinatal team. It's maybe difficult for you to get time for yourself to escape for a leisurely bath - does listening to podcasts help to drown out the voices?
Sending best wishes to all.

@ForestSlothglad you have found something that really works for you. Sometimes it's the small things that add up and help you.

I've not tried listening to podcasts but that is a good idea, thank you! I put my headphones in quite a lot which does help. My psychiatrist has increased my medication so hoping that will start to help. I've had a couple better days so fingers crossed.

How are you doing?

I've got a silly little routine on a Sunday evening where I do a face mask and pedicure (oh God, I sound like the home treatment team!). I find that helpful.

I'm feeling a bit anxious. I've got a lot going on right now (big promotion, divorcing a reluctant and abusive husband, selling the house). Summer holidays are TOUGH , trying to entertain children, drive them to friends and work at the same time (wfh). STBXH is out of the countryuntil the autumn, which on one level is great but equally could do with a hand with the children.

And I am doing EVERYTHING and supporting the children through horrible time (they have said they want to go non contact with him). And I'm doing a good job.

But.

I spin these bloody plates until I can't. And then I slip and fall and I wake up from a nap and there's an AMHP and three police officers in my room. And my estranged husband will need no encouragement whatsoever to point at me and say "Bad mother".

Sorry, that was a bit of a pity party. How is everyone else?

You’ve got such a lot going on. Well done for keeping putting one foot infront of the other. Keep taking those small steps and this man who doesn’t deserve you will be out of your life. It must be awful to have an illness episode weaponised against you. The only person in my life who was anything other than lovely to me as I snowballed off the cliff was my sibling. They shouted and screamed. The only one - I find that very hard to get my head and heart around still. It’s been a shock to realise my recollection of my childhood being that there was no one who’d put me first when I needed them in my home was actually true.

As your kids get older, there will be less opportunity for him to deliberately fuck you about.

All the best. I love the sound of your Sunday routine. I think something similar would work well for me.

I’ve had a great day. Our gym was hosting a competition and they were short on judges. So I put myself out there even though I had no idea what I was doing and loved it. My feet are throbbing now though! The gym has been a lifeline for me. The friendliest most supportive group. Just signed up to go to their Xmas do. November/ December are my wobble time of year so I usually stay away but I’m going for it this year.

Exam results on Thursday is looming but I’m reminding myself that it’s not my life and my stress. I’m just a supporting character and I can do that.

@ByLimeAnt

You've got a hellova lot going on right now! You're doing so so well to keep going. It must be so hard for you. Well done for leaving him!

@TopsyTurvyDays

The gym is amazing for mental health isn't it. Well done for judging, it can be a bit scary first time. What kind of gym do you go to? I do crossfit which is my lifeline right now.

I go to a CrossFit gym too! Wish I’d found it 20-30 years ago! I’ve just started some 1-2-1 sessions to work on my mobility. I’m tight from top to toe apparently! Already seen squat depth difference from starting some ankle exercises.
Can you do double unders? I can’t see me ever getting those!!

@TopsyTurvyDays

Awesome, it's so good isn't it! Yes I'm having some 1-1's at the moment to work on my weak points (basically everything). I'm trying to work on double unders although I can barely do single unders. Have you had a go at them? There's so much to work on I find it can be a bit overwhelming.

I struggle a bit with the social side (current therapist thinks possible autism or otherwise just social anxiety). How do you find the social side? I see so many people just starting and they're already friends with everyone and I just don't know how they do it!