Living with Bipolar

[TopsyTurvyDays]

Named changed and starting a thread just to reach for some understanding I think.

In my 50s, diagnosed a couple of years ago with bipolar when had episode of hympomania. Got back in touch with consultant yesterday as could feel mood lifting (I get more mania than depression). I don’t get euphoria- just angst and misery. Consultant is trying to help me find something more constant I can take to help get enough sleep, as sleeping tablets are addictive and stop working.

I’m just tired and worried and constantly monitoring. Worried I’ll be too much for my friends one day. Worried that I’ve passed on troublesome genes to my kids. Not too worried about my DH as he seems to take it in his stride… looking back I was disguising mild mania with being drunk when we met back in our uni days - so when I fell over the edge, it was all behaviour he’d seen before. We had a worrying couple of days while they ruled out brain tumours etc.

The only people who were mean to me (shouted and screamed) when I slid down the slope into needing an ambulance were my family - siblings and parents. That’s hurt.

I thought I’d imploded my life but actually it’s all gone back to being the same 99%.

I worry for the future. I had an adverse reaction to diazepam and I couldn’t get them to believe me because they thought my behaviour was all the mania. My DH believed me and he got them to believe him.

I worry I won’t be able to drive in the future as we live rurally. But living where we live is part of the reason I held on so long as it’s so peaceful and I love it. Doesn’t work if can’t drive though (lockdown was a taster of what being stuck in house 24/7 was like and it was unbearable for me).

Thanks for the tips. My husband is trying to keep me moving rather than festering under the duvet. Ruminating round in circles is just such a bugger. I don't want my brain to do it, but it's doing it anyway.

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time.

I too have to keep moving to stop my depression from taking over. It’s exhausting though. I’ve put in. A request to access medical support through PALS this week. My GP suggested it a couple of months ago but I just couldn’t face it. I’m gjad I’ve done it but also my anxiety has spiked. I’ve got trauma around medic at L services anyway so it all feels a bit of a nightmare at the moment. The thought of having to live with this condition for ever is a challenge. My GP surgery is pretty amazing but they can’t help me because I’m on lithium.

What is medical support through PALS? I know what you mean about anxiety about interacting with medical people.

Well they supposed to facilitate getting support if you can’t access it. But they called a little while ago and it was useless. I’m officially giving up on CMHT. I’ll go to my annual review so I can continue on lithium but I’m not asking them anymore time for some support with my depression. We’re going to see if we can afford for me to go privately.

It’s a shame the nhs mental health services are so overstretched they can’t provide basics to people who really need it.
if you are looking at private then priory is a good shout - it’s 300 ish for an initial consult which can be face to face or zoom then 180 for follow ups. X

Thank you. I appreciate the recommendation. I’ve got someone in mind to go and see face to face but if I don’t like them when we meet up I’ll try the priory. My Mum was in the priory back in the 80s - when my Dad had to go privately as the NHs diagnosed her schizophrenia as martial issued!

How are things for you today?

I’m feeling a bit better thanks - I’ve been trying to keep really busy. Mostly it’s morning anxiety that’s bothering me as I wake up full of dread which isn’t very nice. And I’ve got a bad stomach but I think that’s the stress - got diarrhoea several times per day at the minute which is not nice 😖
got all the paperwork through yesterday for my new house so Ive signed the contract which means probably not long till I will be moving out. It’s scary thought but I think it will do me good to start my new way of living rather than being like a cuckoo in the nest!

8 pm and the anxiety finally stops. I'm going to do a jigsaw puzzle with DC and tomorrow I'm going to the library to get something mindless to read. Might restart the Agatha Christie's as a gentle whodunit seems like a plan

I love Agatha Christie!

Me too! Have all the books. And we always go and see theatre productions of them.

The films are so easy to watch - my favourite is death on the Nile with Peter Ustinov- the cast is amazing! I’ve seen it so many times

I'm still really struggling. They've held my job open for me to change my mind and in a way it's making it harder. My thoughts are really bad. I can't see a way forward.

Sorry to hear things feel tough. I always feel it’s so hard when people around you just can’t understand how it feels o nthe inside.

You don’t have to fix the future today. Just get through each moment. What are your plans for today? Have you got a medication review scheduled? What have your work said?

I think them holding the job shows they really value you xx
i know how you are feeling, more or less, obviously we all have different circumstances etc but I have had some real problems recently with the depression.
try and take each day bit by bit, if you can get a med review then it will be worth looking at that side of things. I hope today is a bit better for you and if it isn’t and you are feeling bad then I would ring crisis team. I’ve just been under them and they said they would rather people got in touch sooner than when they literally can’t cope anymore as they are still there to support you if you are having difficulties. They’ve changed the name in some areas to home based early intervention or something like that as the word crisis implies you have to be at the absolute end of your tether before you contact them and that is absolutely not the case xx

Thanks @MarmadukeM . I did contact the crisis team and we upped my quetiapine over the weekend. Which has taken the edge off, just a bit.

Ah I’m really pleased that you did and that it’s helped a bit xxx