Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 8)

[MinionKevin]

Started a new thread as I can see previous OP hadn’t been on for a while.

Link to previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4970868-parents-and-carers-of-anxious-teenspart-7?page=40

@swaninbay is there a good reason he wouldn’t get a job. Would he perhaps do another course in the meantime if he deferred for a year.

Im keeping DD at home as long as possible as she won’t go anywhere on her own just now, so she can’t live independently.

@swaninbay I think for now, it might be best to let him be for a while. I often found with my DD that making suggestions or giving advice was counterproductive. They kinda know already what they should do but due to anxiety or other issues are not able to action it. His willingness to try therapy is a step in the right direction.

My DD started university last year. It has so far been a mixed bag although it has improved with time. The setbacks are becoming less often, and there are more good/ok days than bad. She struggles to live in halls with people she doesn't feel completely comfortable around but next year she will be in a house with friends so hopefully that will be easier. She probably comes home much more regularly than the average student but I know she needs the break. Despite all of this, I'm very grateful to be here, I definitely would have settled for this during some very low points at secondary school. I don't know whether a year our would have helped or not but as she refused that wasn't an option.

@MinionKevin thanks for starting this thread.

Thanks for the thoughts. He won't get a job really I suspect due to his social anxiety. He could do a second year to a HND level at college, but he does not want to do this, as he wants to join uni in year 1, and I think this is the righ decision for him. Joining in later years when everyone already has their friendship groups would be hard.

It is hard though to know when to gently push and when to leave alone.

He would not agree to therapy for anxiety but when he told me about the existential dread and panic attacks from this, I insisted he gets therapy for this and he agreed.

TBF to him, there are two uni options where he could actually live at home and he is not choosing these, so guess that is a good sign. Okisenough, it
is good to hear your daughter has made some friends at uni to live with, I definetely will look carefully at the halls of residence set ups. Some have nice little flats rather than open to all shared places.

I suppose if he wants to go, he’ll need to go. I’d just keep the door open and say that if it’s not working out there probably is the option to transfer home.

Hi folks, sorry the app stopped working for me but its back now...
Awful few days here.
Older dd also struggling with her industry placement
I'm utterly worn down with it all
Love to all x

Thanks for new thread!
On the new MN app and still getting used to it.
Hope everyone is doing ok.
We have had a few tough days. DD' bf broke up with her and she is handling it ok'ish but the tears do come every now and then.
Her first set of mock results have not been what she wanted so that's thrown her quite a bit.
She didn't come home yesterday and went to stay at friend's. Normally I am cool about this but she had no clothes, toothbrush, medication or money!
She texts this morning asking for a lift and hour way. Poor DH went all the way even though he is catching a plane for a 13 hour journey this evening.
Sigh...this never gets easy does it...
Xx

@DarkChocHolic
No, it really doesn't!
Dd is having a "day off" as she has a cold.
Older dd struggling with her industry placement so we are trying to keep her going, too.
I'm utterly fed up and feel like I'm stretched very thin.
Hope everyone is OK x

Sending you both a big hug.

@destiel00 hope your dd gets better soon. What does your older dd find difficult about her industrial placement, is she able to access any support from her tutors or at the placement?

@DarkChocHolic breaking up is never easy. It's hard when mocks don't go as well as you hoped. Although I have always thought it's better to know what your weaknesses are now so you can fix them before the real thing.

@Okisenough
I think it's sheer workload, and dd trying to reinvent the wheel to an extent.
She's spoken to her course leader so 🤞
I've spent all day listening to podcasts and doing very little which I'm not sure has helped my mood.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend?

Dd has counselling today so this evening may be bumpy.

She had a gcse practical last week which did feels went really well.

She's currently busy adding to her art portfolio, so lots of glue guns, paint and plaster in the house atm!

@destiel00 mine was quiet, hurray! Thankfully nothing to report. I hope this evening turns out to be okay for your dd after counselling. Do you think it has helped? My dd has given up counselling, she felt it didn't do anything but I wonder if that was because we never found the right one. I would like to revisit this with her but am leaving it for now as she has enough on her plate and I don't want to rock the boat.

And I totally relate to the house full of art supplies, GCSEs and A-levels here.

Dd says she feels it is being helpful, so she's carrying on for the foreseeable.

Rant alert!
DD is doing my head in.
She has some close friends now that I am very pleased about. However one of the girl's dad (parents divorced) lives a 2 hour train journey away.
The friend goes to her dad's weekends so DD wants to keep going there too.
It's costing me 25 pounds every weekend and so far I have paid close to 5 times.
She was there on Saturday night without any of her stuff including meds
They have tomorrow and Wednesday off college so she wants to go again.
She sends me a nice long Whatsapp saying she is too scared to ask me and this is what her therapist recommend she do when she wants to talk to me but is scared of me.
She says if I don't give her money her friend said she could borrow off her.
DD Knows I always tell her to keep money and friendships apart as relationships can easily sour over money.
If I don't fund her social life she will take more shifts at work which I don't want either as she needs to buckle down and study.
Feel she is manipulating me with her depression.
She knows I am scared she will spiral if she stays at home depressed.
I hate myself for not being strong and say to her "sorry Hun, a bit tight this week"
I am such a failure as a parent for not being strong in boundaries.
What do others do?
Would love some ideas

Oh, that's hard 😕

I think I'd just say "I'm really sorry, but I can't afford it this week".

I completely understand where you're coming from re: manipulation.
It's a horrible feeling.

@DarkChocHolic it's hard to say no when things are going well and you don't want to do anything that might change this. Do you know the father at all? If so perhaps ask him if he could just say to his own DD to limit it to every other weekend. If this isn't a possibility, have a think about exactly what you can live with and what you can't. Offer her your ideal scenario and then hopefully you can reach a compromise with her that is something that you can live with and that she feels is better than what you wanted. With my experience, most of these conversations ended in a slammed door, screaming at me and lots of throwing things in her room, but when she calmed down DD was always more reasonable and accepting to what I had proposed. It was like her brain would always kneejerk first. It has got a lot easier over the years.

@Okisenough and @destiel00
Thanks for the replies.
She came back to tonight with no money left in her account. So she is going to go without lunches next 2 days as she won't take a packed lunch.
As you both said I need to stand firm but in a non aggressive way. I think that's where I am going wrong now. I get very angry but end up giving money. I need to learn to be calm and cool and not give money.
I also need to sit and think clearly what is acceptable to me in terms of her being out all the time, missing therapy because of it, spending every single penny and running out. My worry is she will run into dangerous situations having no money and being away from home.
I know I may being overly cautious and it hasn't happened yet but with her impulsive nature the possibility is very real.
Doesn't help that DH will want to go guns blazing and say we have to refuse everything for her and if she doesn't like it she can leave home. Even though he doesn't mean it but that's how he takes his frustration out when we communicate and it really annoys me.
At least it is supposed to be sunny tomorrow. I have the day off work and hoping to get my nails done

It's so tough.
I've been very, very exasperated with older dd the past couple of weeks Wrt her industry placement. She's just so negative, won't listen to advice, then gets totally overwhelmed.
It's not helpful and makes me feel horrid.
I wish I could feel less annoyed at her.
Dd went on a school trip yesterday, very unsettled night before, but enjoyed it.
It's lovely and sunny here today so I'm going to go for a walk 🙂
Have a good day, everyone.

We are still bumbling on, good days, bad days.

One of DDs friends seems to take out all her unhappiness out on her, frequently makes comments about not being in and how easy it is for her because she’s only doing a handful of GCSEs. She’s already feeling the pressure of only doing a few and needing to get enough to stay to college without the added stress.

She’s gone in for a full day today, I can’t tell you how rare that is. The house feels very empty!

Ah, yes.
"Frenemies" as I call them...
Dd had one last year. Unfortunately, dd ended up really upset after said frememy decided to try and turn her friends against her.
It didn't work (well, it did with one of them) but it shook up.
I'm glad I'm not 15 again 😕

I do understand that teenagers find it hard to see things from other peoples point of view. However she missed years of school and can’t do some of the subjects.
she missed a day this week because of it, when she had been doing so well. It’s just another crappy thing to deal with.

@MinionKevin I totally get how you feel when a day of school is missed after a few good days.
I often feel the same anxiety when DD cannot go to school.
For e.g. today she almost didn't go but thankfully did (she likes college much more than her previous grammar school)
However, in my practical head I know she won't achieve much learning today considering the headspace she is in.
It's very hard to know what to do. Let them stay a day so they can feel better or nudge them to go so this doesn't become a habit.
Shame about the friend and what she says to DD.
You would think friends ought to support not feel jealous and put the others down.
My DH reminded me today that the brain has to regrow. Eagerly waiting for that day!!!
Hang in there.
Xx

thanks @DarkChocHolic its the pressure from attendance on top. But when she’s not right there’s no point pushing. She’s had 3 good days at least, the good days outweigh the bad now so it’s a huge improvement.

we had a really positive meeting about 6th form today. They want her to stay and are being very nice. She is doing extremely well in a coursework based GCSE so basically for a level she can do 2 BTECs and Art, so she should do well.

Dd has 5 weeks until her art practical and she's properly stressed 😕
Partially her teachers has let her fend for herself and partially she just gets overwhelmed so easily 😕
I cannot wait for July!

@MinionKevin glad to hear about the 6th form meeting. I am glad they are being supportive.

@destiel00 good luck with her art practical.