Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 8)

[MinionKevin]

Started a new thread as I can see previous OP hadn’t been on for a while.

Link to previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4970868-parents-and-carers-of-anxious-teenspart-7?page=40

Thanks @DarkChocHolic
She wasn't crying. Just...looked sad...its the same thing it's been for weeks.
Why she thought telling me this 5 mins before our guests arrived as I was taking the chicken out of the oven was a good idea I don't know 🙄
The ldr bf isn't helping - he's not very understanding or empathetic from what I've gathered.
There is nothing I can do.
I urged her to go off sick for a week a few weeks ago to rest but she refused.
That's the issue really...she complains, we suggest options, she refuses, she complains again...
I might just start nodding tbh 🤔

@destiel00 I agree with what @DarkChocHolic about how to deal with the complaining and ranting. I have never had a positive outcome from offering advice or practical solutions! I try very hard to just offer some sympathy along the lines of 'that sounds like a lot' or 'that sounds hard' and then leave it or as you say nod and offer a hug or a hot drink. It's very difficult not to try and save them but I am getting better.

Things here are bumping along ok. When we discuss DD's experience at university, she's quite positive about it which does show me that her complaining is just letting off steam rather than a complete disaster. I need to try and stop myself going straight to panic stations each time she expresses anxiety/worry etc but of course that's easier said than done!

Have a good week

I shall practice sympathetic nodding 😊
I'm going to watch an poirot and eat half my body weight in chocolate 🍫
Have a good evening folks

Have just made an application for an access course for DD at her college should the A levels not work out.
Usually they are from age 19 but her college seems to have one for 17+.
It is also for the same sort of subjects she is doing so fingers crossed it will work if she cannot stay on in A levels.
Cannot believe a year on and I am still making applications. Her peers are all gearing up for Y13 exams in a few weeks and here we are going round and round catching our tails.
I am going to go binge on chocolate too :-(

@DarkChocHolic
((Hugs))
Yep.
I'm here googling options for older dd if a) she drops out or b) finishes the placement but doesn't go into the industry.
Sigh.
She's got a placement somewhere else for a time next month - yes, I know. Vague, right?
She doesn't know when or for how long!
I could tear my hair out at times.
She struggles with not knowing what's happening, but seems unable to grasp that a question to the placement co-ordinator will give her the info she needs!
I've just had some m&s highland cow shaped Easter egg.
Very tasty 😊🍫

...And if it makes you feel any better, I did all the 6th form applications for dd.
She just couldn't grasp it was something she needed to think about/do.
As it was, we missed most of the september/october open days.
She has no plan b.
I've tried. I really have. But..🤷‍♀️
For dd it's X 6th form or none.
I will be praying to a God I don't believe in that she gets the grades she needs.
She can retake maths and English if necessary, I suppose.
As for older dd...no clue. Currently just hoping she completes the course which is what she says she wants.

@destiel00 yep....the no plan B situation here too.
DH wants to sit DD down and have a talk about future and options but I know she will not cope with it.
I wish she were the person who said "I don't care about studying or uni. I will be happy at a no stress low end job and figure myself out eventually"
The annoying thing is wanting to be an A* student but unable to sustain the work involved.
I was hardly an A* student and neither was DH so we certainly don't say anything of that sort.

It's interesting, isn't it?
Both my dds are like this.
Older dd worked super hard and got great grades, RG uni etc but the wheels are now coming off postgrad.
Dd is imo, the more academically able of the two, yet doesn't do the work (or, at least, not the work needed for top grades) and will be very upset not to get into X 6th form.
Dd also can't cope with talk of the future/plan b.
They don't get pressure from us at home, so I have to assume it's from school, uni, peers, sm..?
I'm older dds case, I think this postgrad year has been pointless and expensive. I'm not sure she'll end up in the industry.
Which is fine. But, again, she cannot seem to cope with talking about future options/jobs.
🤷‍♀️
So on we plod.
Dd came into my room at midnight last night and we chatted for an hour about all sorts of things.
It was quite nice for it to just be chatting, and not a panoc attack/talking down situation.
We are planning a Jane Austen film marathon 😀

I too did a lot of the leg work for dd, research for alternatives to 6th form and A-levels and also research on Universities including booking open days! My dd refused to not attend 6th form and do A-levels, regretted her decision from almost day 1, achieved great results but every SINGLE day felt like a week to both of us, and we both probably have PTSD!! When she looks back, she always says I should have done a BTEC and left school. I say 'oh well, it's over now'. 😂😡

Enjoy the Jane Austen marathon @destiel00 And I hope your older dd is able to navigate a way through.

@DarkChocHolic I hope your dd gives the Access course some consideration and agrees to attend an open day. There are no guarantees what the right option is but from my older one's experience, a non A-level route is just less stressful and less demanding time wise.

Omg.
I've just absolutely lost it at older dd.
😔

What on earth do you do with someone who will not listen to advice?
Not from anyone...lecturer, mentor, us...?
Just had an incredibly stressful hour with older dd who said she had lost an important file due to be presented tomorrow.
She was in total panic mode.
She couldn't even remember if she'd actually done the work!
Found it eventually...saved under some weird file name.
No battery on her laptop (as per usual), about 500 tabs open...
I could honestly tear my hair out 😔
Dh will be going away on business again soon and I'll be left with both of them.
😔

@destiel00 oh dear! It probably is the end of holiday and back to routine stresses.
Hope rest of the day is calm and quiet.

@Okisenough I may pick your brains on the access course if it comes to that.
DD is hoping she will make the grade to stay on.
The saga continues till the end of the summer.
Atleast she is open for the application to go ahead which is a positive.

@DarkChocHolic we did BTEC rather than access but happy to help if I can. The one thing I would say is that if she has a degree course in mind, check whether the university accepts non A-levels. Although these days most do.

@destiel00 big hug.

I think I'm going to have a drink! 🍸😊

Well, older dd went off to her placement this morning.
Dd isn't awake yet 😊
I may go and knock soon.
Thank you for your kind replies yesterday.
I felt like a crappy mum.

Thanks for new thread.
Just wanted to check in.
Hope you all had a restful Easter.
We are chugging along here.
DD has GCSEs in a few weeks, no revision being done other than in lessons, she's completely avoidant and tbh I've given up trying.
She has started one Alevel and wants to do two more and go to uni so eventually she will need to be self motivated and proactive if she wants to do this route
Which she knows but still seems frozen by anxiety at times and we are 5 years into this journey.
She's just turned 18, and that also made her anxious rather than being in excited and celebrating.
We went to see chitty chitty bang bang as the theatre as a family which she loved, but not a typical 18th birthday but that's OK.
I think being autistic means they mature a lot slower.
However she is also very aware she is " behind" her peers and this makes her even more anxious.
She also is struggling to know what route to do re ALevels and uni.
As she's been out of school since year 8 she hasn't had exposure to a variety of subjects.
So she also worries about what job she could do etc.
She has passed her driving theory test recently and bizarrely driving is one thing she feels relaxed about!
Anyway hope everyone is OK and wishing those on the verge of exams lots of luck

Hi @Runnerduck34
I think this may be at the heart of older dds current issues tbh.
She has always been the youngest in year/uni/social group and I do suspect some ND (like my dh) but any suggestion of possible ND is met with anger and denial from both of them so 🤷‍♀️
I hope your dd passes her exams and gets onto the A level courses she prefers. If she's been out of MS since y8 she is doing amazingly well to even be sitting exams.
My older dd was also fairly chilled about driving too.
It's lovely amd sunny here so I'm off to my summer house to read 📚

@Runnerduck34
Hello! Sorry you are still here.
Hope DD copes with the GCSEs.
Maybe tell her to worry about one thing at a time. She can think about A levels or next steps after the exams? If she will listen that is.
I Do get the avoidance thing and it is the most frustrating thing I struggle with.
DD also loves driving lessons but failed her first theory. She booked another one and on the day when we woke her up for the test says she has postponed it (again avoidance)
I totally flipped that day as she didn't have the courtesy to let us know she had moved it as you have to do it 3 days early.

On another worry, DD seems to have got back together with the bf who dumped her.
She wanted to bring him home tomorrow and I said no. She asked me why and I said, I want to know if a relationship is a bit more genuine before allowing bfs home.
I know all the advice is to keep them close but I am so disappointed she allows herself to be dumped and picked up when he chooses.
I feel absolutely rubbish this evening.
She said she doesn't want to go to his house. I said meet in a coffee shop but as usual she is broke and has no money
I just feel so angry and sad at the same time.

@DarkChocHolic That's so hard about BF, I would feel angry and sad too
I think it's often a self esteem thing, or just wanting to fit in by having a boyfriend.
I hope he treats her well this time. Sometimes they have to make their own mistakes and all we can do is catch them. I always had, well still have! low confidence, I always, wanted my DC to feel confident and have lots of self esteem, unfortunately I haven't manged to install that self belief in them, maybe it's genetic despite my best efforts to role model and praise them.
Understandable your frustration re theory test. She should have told you she changed the date, hopefully she/you didn't lose any money. DD passed it on second attempt. First time she failed by one point, it's hard to pass, as I found out when I tried to do a practice test!! Was convinced I'd be able to pass it lol.
She will get there.
On the whole my DD is doing so much better but I just want everything to be"normal" and never have to think about EHCPs, manage medication and anxiety/moods , pace activities, walk on egg shells.... I would like just to be able to tell (yell at !) her to get on with it and do some bloomin revision!

@DarkChocHolic I'm sorry, that's hard ((hugs))
Older dds LDR bf is being a real dick to her atm and that's making the whole situation worse as she doesn't feel supported by him (she isn't!)
I'm keeping my powder dry until after she finishes the placement, then dh and I are going to have a chat with her.
Dd had counselling yesterday and spent a good 45 mins crying last night which I think could be a good thing, but I'm exhausted.
Not much revision going on. Sigh. She'll be SO upset with herself if she fails.
I have an awful headache so a nap beckons.
Have a good day, all x

Ugh.
I look and feel like roadkill 😞
Dd had a panic episode last night. She was really tired which is a massive trigger.
I actually feel ill today through stress/lack of sleep.
I think it might be time to talk to the dr about ADs 😞

Hope you get a good night's sleep @destiel00
I am on HRT and I take an antihistamine every night.
Sleep is so much better.
Sometimes I am tempted to take DD's promethazine !!!

I think I might tonight!
I've got some magnesium somewhere

Good luck to all dc starting their gcses this week 🍀

Same. First written exam is next Friday but it’s an okay one, so eases her in.

Waiting to hear back about her going on study leave early, it doesn’t start officially until the same day as her last exam! So pointless. She’s also only doing partial GCSEs so has gaps and some lessons finish once the exam is done. They’re arguing the let the troublesome kids off earlier, hopefully will get sorted today.

This is the first Monday after a holiday she’s gone in no issue though: better late than never.