Parents and carers of anxious teens(part 8)

[MinionKevin]

Started a new thread as I can see previous OP hadn’t been on for a while.

Link to previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4970868-parents-and-carers-of-anxious-teenspart-7?page=40

@DarkChocHolic
God, I remember the run up to results days so clearly for both of my dc 😬
And you are absolutely correct - they will be fine in the long run.
Life is a marathon, not a sprint x

Hoping results day was ok for everyone xx

@destiel00 DD passed A levels and has a place at uni through clearing. I still cannot believe it. We were lucky to get a space in a uni one hour away so I am hoping things will be manageable.
I never thought she would pass so have done no research about moving to uni.
DD seems much happy now and is busy making lists and plans.
Am still wary of how things will go but one day at a time for now.
We are also awaiting GCSE results for DS next week. Hopefully he has done well and can stay on at his school with the subjects he likes.

Hope everyone is doing ok! Good luck to those expecting GCSE results and the last few weeks of the holidays.
Xx

@DarkChocHolic
Oh! I'm SO pleased for her!
🤞 all goes well x

Dd got a distinction for year one 😀
She's pleased. She's worked very hard.

@destiel00 well done to DD. Hope this boosts her mood and keeps it there for a looooong time!
Xx

well done to all of your DC! And good luck to all those waiting for GCSEs next week.

Hope today went well for dc expecting gcse results 🙏
Dd went for a job interview this week and found out this morning she got it 😊
I'm pleased, as she's been applying fairly consistently since May.

Well done to your DD @destiel00 and congratulations on your husband’s new job! Looks like the tide is turning for your family 🙏

Here things have gone better than expected and my DD has passed most of her GCSE’s including the ones that matter - English and Maths and has signed up for a college course starting next week - we pray she settles in and enjoys it as it will hopefully be a big change from the school environment that she hated.

@Mb76
Huge congrats to your dd! ✨️👏
(Its my dd that has a new pt job, but thank you 😊)

Anything is possible if we believe and work on it.

Well DD started college yesterday and she hates it. She wants to pull out. Now what? she hates the commute, it’s a busy bus. She hates that she doesn’t know anyone. Her friend is on a level 2 whereas she got into level 3 so their classes are different. I’m having horrible flashbacks from last school year where attendance was an everyday struggle.

she did get a diagnosis of ADHD combined type and ASD just last month. Also Social anxiety for which she is on a waiting list for CBT. What can she do if she pulls out of college? I’m really worried about her future. She’s applied for a few jobs but didn’t get anywhere.

@Mb76one say isn’t long though. It might take a while to meet people. I know it’s hard when you are experiencing it.
College is always better than working I think.

DD is going back tomorrow, she’s anxious but went to bed in a good mood. I think because everyone else is also panicking it’s made her feel better.

@Mb76 sending you a hug. It is hard when that happens but it is also unsurprising. They are an anxious bunch, our kids, and first days/weeks/months are tough. She is probably in full fight or flight mode. Try not to action anything yet and see what the rest of the week brings, she may settle.

@Mb76
Oh, I'm sorry to hear dd is stressed.
It's really very early days...can you do a "deal" that she attends until half term? Or even 4 weeks?

@Mb76 sorry to hear! Can you drop her for a few days so atleast one stress is out of the way?
Our kids need more scaffolding than the average 16 year olds.
Asking her to stick it out for few weeks is not a bad idea. Obviously only you know the effort it takes to get them up and going in.
Hope she has a better day today.

Xx

Thank you for your kind words everyone. More context. Sorry did not mean to drip feed.
Unfortunately we don’t drive, my husband has a vision impairment and I have coordination issues (probably dyspraxia) so I never managed to learn to drive despite taking lessons. So the bus it is unless she can get a lift with someone.

Yesterday was the first actual day, with one lesson at 8.45 followed by a free period followed by lunch break and the final lesson at 12.45
My husband and I had a day off so we went with her. The bus was very crowded with college kids. No seats. That stressed her out. Once we arrived she met up with her friend who had a different class, sat her first lesson. We met her afterwards and took her out for lunch, she hung out with us and was happy enough. We left her at lunch break when she met up with her friend and then gin they parted for different classes but took the bus back together which again was full. She came home completely overwhelmed and overstimulated.
Later on after she decompressed a bit, she suggested changing some of her subjects. Another friend got in as well into level 2 and is starting next week.

We did have a meeting with a SEN person a couple of weeks ago where they outlined the support available but it hasn’t happened on the first day. She says she cant go in today as none of the people she knows are in at the same time, today’s lessons start at 12. That’s another issue - she needs predictability and routine but the schedule is all over the place. Yesterday was the worst exmple with a huge gap in the middle of her day which is very unsettling for her. She can’t come home in this time, by the time she gets home it will be time to go back out again and she won’t cope with 4 buses.

i am going to email the college and see what we can do, she is willing to give it a try if some adjustments can be made to her course and timetable.

Ah.
Is it a btec? My dd does a level 3 and the timetable is far more spaced out than more traditional level 3 courses.
In fact, we had to complain to dds college yesterday as they put her in a different group with no notice and for very odd reasons.
It's sorted now.
Dd also gets public transport and it can be tiring for her.
Can she go to a student hub whilst waiting for her lessons to start? I'd be contacting the sendco and student wellbeing.
They may have peer mentors? My older dd was one at her uni.
As tempting as it is to be with friends, friendships change and end.
Good luck x

@Mb76 the breaks in between are a pain! As the weeks go by, she will hopefully find friends who have similar breaks and they can either go get something to eat or wander to the shops or do some work together. Keep telling her it takes a few weeks and hopefully time will help with things starting to fall into place.
My DD struggled with the weird college timings. In the end, she had to have an exception to do the lesson after a long break online from home. It is possible. You need to keep badgering the college.

Dd is 18 today.
Instead of feeling happy at all the lovely things planned (that she wanted) she's moping about saying turning 18 is making her worry about the future.
Ffs.
I am SO over this.
18 months counselling, every bit of help we could give...
I am utterly sick of it.
Add in dd1 and her breakup and I feel like screaming "just bloody get a grip!"
Argh

We've all been there. No advice just to say you are not alone in feeling like this.

Thanks @Okisenough
I'm not sure why I'm struggling so much atm...
Over the long summer holiday I expected a slump so took her out, we joined a health club, I encouraged friend meet ups.
She's now back at college and loving it.
(She has been ill with a nasty virus but seems better now.)
I'm absolutely done. With all of it. The feeling on edge all the time, the sometimes lazily cruel comments, the silences.
I cannot keep repeating myself ad nauseum. She does not/cannot listen.
Is it always going to be like this? A few weeks of "normality" then saying they don't want to be here anymore? (She hasn't said this yet...but I'm thinking it's on the way...)
Between her and dd1 I feel like the worst parent in the world...two dc who can't seem to cope with normal life challenges 😕

Hi can I please join this group . My son has social anxiety. This has only come out very recently. I knew he was a bit quiet but now we’re at whole new level . Hes come home from university as he was like a fish out of water . So now we’re having a gap year / gp visit - lifestyle changes . Please tell me this gets better !

Things do get better but it can take time, sometimes a lot of time! It will often feel like a rollercoaster ride, two steps forward one sometimes three steps back. Be patient with your dc and yourself. There often isn't one miracle cure but more a range of changes and adaptations that create real improvement. And also as time goes on they themselves mature and gain understanding of themselves which helps.

This thread isn't as busy as it once was, I assume because things have improved for some. I know things are better in our house, I now have longer and longer periods of normality before a crisis hits. When things do happen, they resolve more quickly. I have learnt it is best to listen and not offer any advice. I have accepted that my dc need a little more scaffolding than their peers but I can take a small piece down every now and again which is great.

@buggermewhatnext I am sorry to hear about your ds. Does he want to eventually return to university? I hope your GP is helpful. They can be a mixed bag.

@buggermewhatnextmy friends son is going back to uni after crashing out. He’s more prepared this time and is being super sociable this time round. Last time he hid in his room.

We are trundling along, good days, bad days. It’s hard to know. DDs desperation to get top marks in everything is exhausting, she doesn’t need them. She feels like she is failing, gets upset, then gets the highest marks in class. She was very down yesterday and later on cheered right up and wouldn’t go to bed as she was so chatty!
Whenever she is down she stops eating though. She is already very very slim. I have said there is no way she can go away next year unless she shows me she can eat unprompted and puts significant weight back on. She’s never been particularly much of an eater.
We have been referred to mental health providers who seem very good this time (not CAHMS) but their wait list is huge!