Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

@Okisenough
Am so sorry you and DC are feeling so low...
Hope tomorrow is a better day.
It's so hard when there is no respite from the doom and gloom.

I know the feeling of jumping when the phone rings pokey!
I anticipated bad news from school today and the phone came with me for bathroom breaks and the call from school came exactly when I was in the shower...
Things are not good here as well..school is hard and she is struggling with 6th form.. stubborn and won't accept a fresh start next year..
I open my mouth and always say the wrong thing to DD...I can never be the calm adult. .DH is worse!
Just waiting for rock bottom....not yet there I think!
Just rubbish....

ok
I'm watching re runs of the Golden Girls! :)
I've been watching a lot of old comedy shows this week...

@DarkChocHolic thank you. Sorry to hear about your dd's struggles. I wish it was easier. If she won't think about taking a year out, will the school consider a pared-down timetable so it's less stressful and she doesn't have to be in school as much?

We are nearly at the end of 6th form but I still really regret not persuading dd to start fresh somewhere new and certainly somewhere less academically intense. I keep that to myself! The only positive to come out is that dd does recognise now that her next step has to be somewhere more suited to her rather than somewhere that impresses others.

And I totally relate to saying the wrong thing, I have learnt to dial down the advice and just offer sympathy, empathy, snacks and a hug.

@PokeyLaFarge I used to love Golden girls

I love this thread for all the support, understanding and solidarity. I hope each of our dcs has a better day tomorrow x

ok been a similar week here with my youngest
Feels like groundhog Day!

Does everyone feel weekends are better?
DS ruminates the week dreadfully then revvs up about the week ahead....

@Stilllivinginazoo
Aww..Groundhog Day seems so hard to imagine but I can empathise what that feels like...
We have calm weekends...I can sense the anxiety switch flip on Sunday night 😞

Can I ask for people's suggestions on how to respond when DD refuses school, refuses walk wih me and Ddog to clear cob webs away refuses every thing basically..
However she then turns around and asks if she can go out with friends in the evening?
I am gobsmacked when she does that.. refused school today and is sitting at home watching TV but then wants a Friday evening out with friends...
This is what drives DH mad....thankfully he is at work.

Youngest is like that- school refuses but then expects go out with counsellor mid afternoon

It's a tough one
Say no and it limits the good interactions,but yes kind reinforces it's ok
Be interested anyone else has any opinions on ut

dark
I'd struggle hugely with that tbh
My initial reaction would be "no" too

School is a very different environment to going out with friends. I think there is a fine line where you (a general you, not you in particular) can encourage DC to attend and where you need to back off because pushing further will cause further harm - DC don’t learn/develop by being forced into an unsuitable traumatic environment. Over time, you will learn signs specific to your DD of where that line is.

I would dig into what it is about school that she can’t cope with, what her ideal school would look like, what support could be offered so she could attend a school. Then what is different about going out with you and dog (e.g. is it the time of day, the dog, where you go, the pressure to speak to you perhaps about difficult emotions)? Then what is different about friends that means she can manage (e.g. are they lower demand)?

DS3 attends after school clubs even when he hasn’t been able to attend school because they are completely different environments and he can cope with the former even when he hasn’t been able to manage the latter. And the clubs help him regulate.

@Stilllivinginazoo for us weekends and holidays are much much better. We still have our moments but things are much more calm and there isn't that tense atmosphere IYKWIM

@1bounceforward2back
Thank you! Plenty of good food for thought.
The problems with school are sadly that neither me nor school can solve.
Unhappy with 6th form subject choices as she didn't quite make the gcse grade.
She won't do resit or try a fresh y12 start in 2024 elsewhere.
I think she will have burn out and leave next year...

I admit I also think socialising should be a good thing. She needs hope and comfort and finds it from friends more than me.
If she had even gone into school and come back in an hour, I would have encouraged her to go with friends tonight.
Everyday is a learning day!
Xx

Is DD unhappy with all subjects? If not, would she attend the one(s) she is happy with? Is it that DD doesn’t like the subjects or is there something about the teacher/class/content?

bounce (as always) excellent advice

@1bounceforward2back
At the moment, it is 1 subject. She just finds it really hard. We have parents evening soon and I will find out how she is doing in the others. She is doing IB so she has plenty more subjects unfortunately..again not a wise decision but I couldn't persuade her to move schools and do A levels.
School may offer her a subject swap but I am very worried about it this late in the term. And no guarantee she will find the new subject easy.
I have offered to work with her or hiring a tutor but that's again met with a No.

@DarkChocHolic as a starting point, would DD attend school if there was no pressure to attend that one subject she struggles with? And, if she won’t attend the other subjects is there a wider issue?

@1bounceforward2back
That's what her student wellness coordinator convinced her to do yesterday.
She was about to come home in a hour but she sat out the 1 lesson and then ended up staying the whole day.

That subject does seem to trigger her. But then she also started AD 2 weeks ago and is finding the adjustments to it quite difficult.
She just wants to sleep....which worries me but I have read that tiredness is a big side effect of Fluxotine.
I am hoping the Christmas break gives her time to really recharge.

How is everyone else doing? Hope everyone is coping OK.

Xx

Hi
OK. I think.
Dc went to a show with school last night that they didn't really enjoy (scary).
Sigh. I did question it at the time but...🤷‍♀️
Dc seem OK, but tired. This school term is very long in our county and it means lots of tired, emotional dc.
I still feel totally on edge all the time they are at school/hobby night.
I feel awful today. Just viral probably but I have errands to rum, mum to see...
I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last month! 😕
Hope everyone else is doing OK x

Hope you feel better @PokeyLaFarge

Feeling like shit now...had a row with DD in the morning after school refusal again
She is meant to go on to discuss su ject swap but was reluctant..
I pushed her and said some mean things.
She went to school and rightly sent a "I hate you " message back..
Oh well! I deservw it..
Just not handling this well at all.
DH is away too but not that he is of much help anyway..he is worse than me in knowing what to do..
We need couples therapy and family therapy before we all break completely..

Oh ,dark
I wish I could give you a big hug
My dh is also pretty useless tbh (when he's here)
It's so very hard not to feel resentful - or at least it is for me.
I forgot to tell dc about their hair appointment later, and I feel too ill to drive them, so that'll be fun 🙄😕
We are human. We are allowed to get it wrong occasionally xxx

Darkyour morning sounds hard<hugs>
Lil zoo refused school today(expected,three mocks incl french they had agreed would be off the cards with g.p note,then change minds)

You may fave not responded well,but an apology/communication followed by expectation if same in response is standard here so everyone learns it's not ok to vent and hurt people and they just have to accept it

Pokey hope you are feeling slightly more human
Of course you feel resentful,it wouldn't be nurmal.nit to when weight of the world has squared at your shoulders alone(my kids dad's also much gse as chocolate fire guard and often enflames rather than helps situations.i have the "luxury" of him not living in my home so I have some space but I still get very frustrated and resentful of his "easy life")

Rough day here.
We all got lurgies
Dd2 has had sinus cold type bug,sometimes gets it when stressed so we assumed was case but no she was contagious and now everyone else feels rough.lil zoo and D's had the sensory issue of blocked noses so there's extra agitation,night waking and irritability today

I'm tired

Sending calm good vibes to all in need

Apologies for grammar
My phone's on last legs and has habit of turning text into jibberish AFTER I've pressed send😤

Oh, sorry the lurgy has descended on your house too zoo

I feel shocking. I've got what I think are ulcers at the back of my throat 😷

Dc is very tired, hasn't gone to hobby group tonight, which I think is the right decision (not that I'd ever offer up that opinion!! 🙃)

Other dc seem OK.

Dh has had a long day today, which I sympathise with, but I had to take mum to M&S, so I win misery top trumps today 😃

I'm hoping a day on the sofa tomorrow works some magic...

Being congested and not being able to breathe through your nose is such an awful feeling, it's no wonder it disregulates dc.

I'm not a very patient patient, I'm afraid!

I'm not a patient patient either pokey
Ulcers in your throat?might want ask pharmacist to look at that,sounds very unpleasant 😞(but easier than try get doc app,and if need one because seen a "primary care source receptionists can't fight it😜)

I've got an appointment tomorrow about something else so I'll mention it then
Ugh
Feel ghastly 😷

Get well soon Zoo and Pokey
Dark- try not to beat yourself, no one's perfect and it all comes from a place of love ( and exhaustion) honestly we've all been there.

DD is very up and down and tbh more down than up atm.
More tutoring/ LA/ Tribunal headaches. My mind is constantly whirling and never seem able to switch off.
Like many if you its me that bears the brunt of it all, carrying mental load.
Even if I try and escape for a bit and meet friends inevitably I'm interrupted by phone call - some disaster only I can sort out....

Oh ,runnerduck it's hard, isn't it?

I've cancelled 2 events I was really looking forward to as I just don't feel I can be too far from home atm 😕

When school last phoned me, they woke me from a nap (I'm not sleeping well)... I must have sounded out of it! 🫣