Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

@Runnerduck34 Thank you for reaching out. I do think there is something around neurodivergence - DS doesn't have the classic traits of autistic girls like passionate interests, but I do think he fits the profile of a highly sensitive person so I will do some more reading around that.

I am definitely trying to look after myself - also got hold of a copy of Never Let Go as recommended by somebody up thread and am finding that really useful.

Welcome tartan dress
I'm sorry things are so difficult right now
My first line of question is always,who is looking after YOU.
What are you doing to help keep you afloat?
Do you have RL support?
Have you got a big ir small family?how does this impact everyone else?
Mums are often like the glue of the family and it's very hard trying to hold everything together for everyone at once
Sending solidarity and this is,and will always be,a safe space to vent and seek comfort and support from others who truly know what it's like x

Hi 👋
Long time lurker first time poster...
My youngest dc, who came out as gay this year, is having a tough time
It was no shock to me at all when they came out. They also prefer non binary pro nouns. All fine afaic.
They are in y9, and its clear now that since approx end of y5 they have been "masking" (they have no send so I'm wary of using that term but I can't think of a more accurate one...)
It's all come to a head this week, and they are struggling with the pressure they put on themselves to be "the person they have been assigned by their peer group (?)
I've let school know and they have spoken to some staff members but they still seem very emotional, prone to tears, and not happy.
There has been some historic homophobic bullying that has been dealt with by school.
I've suggested they talk to the school wellbeing lead.
What else should I be doing?
This dc has always been sensitive and easily upset. But also kind, funny and clever.
I feel so tired tbh :(
I got them bereavement counselling when my parents died, they have had some 1-1 counselling too.
Do I just let them talk to school staff?
I don't want to bombard them with questions but do they want a whole new start? (Difficult school wise but not impossible...)
Obviously, covid had a huge effect on them and their schooling/peer interaction.
Anyone have any experience? Advice?
Thank you x

I'm so sorry
I can relate to the tiredness xxx

Welcome tartandress. I also think it would be worth an autism assessment. If communication is difficult have you thought about a less direct form of therapy that relies less on verbal communication? Or something like MindJam? If DS can’t attend school full time is the LA providing alternative arrangements to ensure he receives a suitable full time education? Does DS have an EHCP?

Welcome PokeyLaFarge. Are you sure DC isn’t ND?

Zoo sorry to hear about your cat.

Okisenough happy birthday to DD.

Dark if possible/allowed I would do as Runner suggested and use the sessions yourself to discuss how best to support DD generally and with specific situations. Also, have you thought about a therapy that relies less on verbal communication e.g. animal assisted therapy?

Hi
I'm as sure as I can be (my older dc have some send so think I'd see nd traits if they were there)
No splds, no issues with attaining milestones etc
No issues at school really, they like lots of their teachers and are looking forward to choosing gcse options
They are what is described academically as an "all rounder"
I'm desperate that they don't put more pressure on themselves iyswim?
I feel totally deflated and at a loss tbh
I did so many interventions for my older dc and they really helped but...I'm just floundering here.
I so relate to a pp with the tiredness. It's exhausting.
I'm starting to get anxious during the day (which I remember well from my older dc school days...)
Part of the issue is that they are the agony aunt of their groups and they don't share their own troubles
I've explained that's not a tenable situation. We all need understanding and kindness at times and they deserve that too.
I'm worried that somethings happened and they aren't telling me :(
What's that saying?
You're only as happy as your unhappiest child?
:(

None of what you have written necessarily rules out neurodiversity. The fact DC has a ND sibling means there is a higher chance DC is ND. Either way, DC obviously has SEMH needs.

Yes, definitely semh needs
I feel very unsure what else I can do :(

Welcome@pokeylafarge
Defintely relate to the exhaustion, the anxiety of what the day will bring and only being as happy as your least happiest child.
What you said about your DC needing to be the person their school friends expect them to be did ring a bell with me. When my eldest DD was in the throws of anorexia, anorexia became her identity , she confided that it made her feel special and unique. She was scared that if she wasnt anorexic she wouldnt be interesting , that shed be a no one, that all her friends had big personalities or excelled at somethung and she would be nothing without anorexia- i know its twisted bit its how she felt- just wondered if your DC feels like this? Have they created an identity or persona they cant shrug off? Just a thought.
Maybe counselling or therapy would help them?
I would concentrate in building bonds over small things, everyday things and then hopefully they will start to open up. Its hard not to go in with a zillion questions- i still do this tbh! But sometimes its better to try and step back.
Keep communicating with school but try not to break DC trust over anything they told you in confidence

Hi,
Thank you so much for replying.
I'm so sorry your dd struggled so much:(
I hope she's doing better?
I think you are spot on.
They are exhausted trying to keep up with it all.
I'm still awake because it transpires that there has been some bullying going on, too, for some time, so I need to send an e- mail to school tomorrow to arrange a meeting :(
My dh doesn't really do emotions, so it's all on me.
I've asked which staff members to send it to, so hopefully, it'll get to the right people.
They won't be going into school until after the meeting.
I've got to protect their mh.
I'm so tired :(

@PokeyLaFarge how was today? I hope you get some sleep, the emotional toll is huge.
DD who had anorexia is much better now, thank you, was a long struggle but she got there.
Im on this thread for youngest dd who has autism and high anxiety and is unable to manage school, So I also understand what you mean when you've supported a child with MH issues before and then go through it again with another child.

I'm glad to hear that x

I guess that's part of the issue...this dc has always been anxious (well, since multiple family bereavements when they were 4/5..) amd I do sometimes wonder if they will always be an "anxious" personality type?

Meeting went really well (I think..) the staff are really great and they will be having a meeting with the wellbeing manager at some point.

I have asked them to download an app called headspace to give them tools to help when they feel an anxiety attack coming on.

They can also use their alexa for calming music etc

So, feeling a bit more positive than yesterday, but I'm pretty tired (didn't get much sleep..)

Thank you so much for asking - I do appreciate it.

Our local school has several kids with send who aren't attending. It must be so incredibly difficult :( I home schooled my eldest for a year (quite a few years ago now) and whilst it was absolutely the right thing to do for them it took its toll on me.

I do sort of feel like I dropped the parental ball on this tbh :( I'm going to be much more vigilant going forward.

@PokeyLaFarge welcome to our lovely group and I am sorry to hear that your dc is struggling. I also completely relate to the tiredness of this situation, the worry and the hyper-awareness is overwhelming. I hope you can find some comfort and strength knowing that you are not alone and that all of us here understand.

DC had a lovely albeit quiet birthday so thanks for all your birthday wishes. I am sad as I know DC will continue to struggle for the rest of the school year. DC feels 'different' from school peers including friends, and places way too much pressure on herself when it comes to work including taking feedback from teachers very personally. I hope that counselling will help her build up more resilience and self-esteem to move on once school is over. I have been placing a lot of faith that University will bring a fresh start, a chance to do something she loves and meet people who 'get her' but what if I am wrong? I have been searching threads on Mumsnet for 'success stories' to make myself feel better!

Anyway, I hope everyone and all the dc got some respite over half-term and have a smooth countdown to Christmas (I can't believe it is on the horizon). I am thankful that the remainder of this term is relatively short.

And happy Halloween!

Thank you :)

I'm sorry your dc is struggling too :(

I think of education as funnel shaped - they start with wide ranging learning...reading, writing, how to interact with their peers...to narrowing with gcse options, then 3/4 a levels then degree subject (I hope that makes sense!) So by the time they get to university they are with likeminded folk who share their passions....at least that's the theory!

@pokeylafarge
Im pleased meeting went well.
You havent dropped the parenting ball- stuff happens, usually despite of what we do not because of it, and you are clearly a very caring parent.
@okisenough.
Nice to hear DD had a lovely birthday; as long as she enjoyed it doesnt matter if its a quiter one than her friends.
I hope rest of school year and uni application process goes smoothly.
Sending them off to uni is scary.
DC3 went this year after taking a trar our as she just wasnt ready to go last year. Shes very quiet( anxious and asc) but is coping well. Shes made a couple of friends, isnt going out loads and refused to join societies but actually i think shes content.

Youngest Dd had a busy half term seeing friends which was lovely but has now has well and truly crashed. Predictable, im trying to get her to set boundaries to help her regulation but no luck.

Got a response from tribunal re ehcp appeal. i asked for an expediated hearing which has been granted and weve now got a hearing date in january not april.
Not exactly what i had in mind when i requested an expediated hearing back in July but still its earlier than April!

Thank you

Best of luck for the appeal x

Just checking in, how is everyone?
DD has her maths GCSE resits coming up this week and next, shes feeling anxious, wont revise and tbf Im also being feeling a bit of anxiety about having to juggle work whilst supporting her to get to the exams, fingers crossed all goes smoothly.

@Runnerduck34
Good luck for the Maths GCSE...fingers crossed it goes well.
I can imagine how nervous you must be..do give yourself some self care..
How did the appeal go?

We are plodding along..
A myriad of camhs and GP/hospital appointments for DD.
Tomorrow we see the camhs psychiatrist who has been told by her therapist she needs Meds...
I was a bit annoyed she said that in passing last week when showing us the door out..she could have had a chat with me about why she thinks that especially considering she finished appointment 30 mins early..
I am not against anti depressants but at the same time worried about side effects especially as DD is very overweight..
Hope tomorrow they find time to talk things through..

Hope everyone else is well and coping..

@Runnerduck34 good luck to your dd for her resits. Sending you a virtual hug too, and I hope it does go all smoothly.

@DarkChocHolic good luck with all the appointments, and hope they did talk you through all the benefits and side effects of meds. I would also be annoyed at the therapist, as a passing comment like that throws up so many questions and concerns (which is just what a worried parent needs).

School has restarted for us and we too are plodding along.

Hope everyone and their dc are ok.

@DarkChocHolic and @Okisenough -Thank you, DD sat first paper today-found the "wordy" questions very hard , had difficulty processing what they said- she was very anxious-convinced shes done badly,. One paper down Two to go..

At the 11th hour our LA have objected to the expediated hearing date- they are saying there is insufficient time to compile evidence- but none of the evidence deadlines have changed even though new proposed hearing date was sooner,
Very frustrating- I have emailed objecting to their objection but dont know if it will hold any weight.

@DarkChocHolic Good luck with appts. Of course you need a proper conversation about meds. My DD was put on new meds a few months ago during a telephone appointment. At our last appt they casually mentioned DD now needs regular ECGs and blood tests whilst on these new meds-this wasnt mentioned before prescribing! I wanted to probe but didnt want to make DD even more anxious as she can be a bit of a hypochondriac . However the meds do appear to be helping her .

How is everyone else @Stilllivinginazoo @1bounceforward2back @PokeyLaFarge @tartandress

@Runnerduck34
I hope the other gcses go well..
Shuddering at the very memory of those exams and results!
I am so sorry about the hearing date being put back. Everything seems such a battle when things are already Incredibly hard.

We had a detailed psychiatrist appointment this week and DD started antidepressants. I am worried but the camhs team think she really needs them.
I am taking a leap of faith and hope she copes and they actually help her.
Past 2 days (before starting meds) DD has been exceptionally depressed and refused school for a day. However she was enough to have 10 girls over yesterday when we were both at work and I came home to a trashed kitchen and a bottle of vodka liquer on the table.
DD insists it was one of the girls and I can only trust her...again last night and this morning back to her usual low mood.
I am also having huge arguments with DH as we are not coping well at all with all this. He strongly thinks DD is takinb us for a mug and this whole mental health facade is her get out of jail card.
Part of me agrees with him but equally I have to trust her and the professionals who are assessing her.
It's so hard DH and I are not talking (yet again)
I have come very close to wanting to separate and even told him so once..
He is a good man but just not coping with teenage years and all this mental health stuff.
Feel sorry for DS13 that we are such a sad household at the moment.

Sorry for the rant...just needed to vent as I feel so rubbish and scared for everything.
Hope everyone is doing OK.

Xx

I fell off the thread. Things are busy and stressful here.

@Okisenough lovely to hear DD had a good birthday.

@Runnerduck34 glad the new meds are helping. I hope the maths resits went/go as well as they could/can. Even though the LA have objected, it doesn’t mean SENDIST will listen to them. Especially if DD is out of full time education.

@DarkChocHolic that sounds really difficult. It is worth contacting your local young carers service who can support DS. Finding the right meds/dose really helped DS1. It wasn’t an easy process, but persevering was right for him. Try not to worry if things become more difficult before improving, it isn’t uncommon and doesn’t mean meds aren’t going to help longer term.

@darkchocholic
Sounds very tough right now. You can always rant away here. Teens with MH issues do put a strain on relationships and its hard if both parents aren't on the same page.
Also very difficult for siblings.
Untangling normal teen behaviour and anxiety is hard. It may be that DD isn't able to put up boundaries and communicate with her friends- is she a people pleaser? ( with her friends not you lol)
I hope you have a better weekend.

Bounce- I'm sorry it's been stressful for you too atm.

Thank you @1bounceforward2back and @Runnerduck34

Yes...People pleaser is a spot on description for DD.

Just had a phone call from school...

Dc has told a staff member they feel its better they weren't here and they've thought of self harm.

I've got a Dr appointment for him later

I don't know what to do...