Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

Zoo glad the workshop was helpful. What access arrangements does DD3 have? Her needs go beyond anxious and access arrangements should be in place. JCQ guidance has changed for alternative rooming/separate invigilation, so low level anxiety isn’t enough, but DD3’s needs are more than that, anyway. Was an EHCNA request submitted?

@Stilllivinginazoo that sounds hard. I hope they all have a restful weekend and you also get to have some time to yourself. I think it is difficult not to just do things for them so you can get them out of the way and focus on something else but yes the workshop advice is probably correct. I am guilty of it too.

Here has been up and down. I think the dark nights don't help. I am wondering whether or not to look into an ASD assessment, does it help or not? My dc doesn't think it will make any real difference as they already describe themselves as ND. I know via NHS we are looking at a very long wait and I know privately it costs around 2k which is a lot. I am trying my best to make them more resilient and have better self-esteem as this time next year they could be away at a University.

Does DD take vitamin D supplements? And has she tried a SAD lamp (didn’t work for DS1 but it does for some)?

I would encourage DD to pursue an ASD assessment. Personally, I think diagnosis is important for understanding oneself and for others to understand you. Assessment is also important in case there are co-morbid conditions e.g. ADHD that are picked up which could benefit from medication. Much support is based on needs, but a minority of support needs a formal diagnosis.

bouncelibrary(12 students,all with exceptional need/statements etc)
Awaiting Sen lead get back to me re application for EHCP as I went slightly orbital at hoy (not yelling but accusatory tone)and said I felt like they were delaying as speed our LA takes won't be ready before she's out of their care which tbh ruffled some feathers seems to have spurred some movement ....

Well...
Not a good couple of days here
Called into school again on Friday
It transpires another pupil has filmed them at school
School are dealing with it.
Told staff they "didn't want to be here" again
By the time we left school 2 hours later they were laughing and joking (?)
Seemed OK yesterday
Watched a film
Started chatting about the incident at school, I was trying to understand theor feelings but they just kept saying the same things... like a script (?)
Then they said they didn't understand why we were all upset about them saying these things (?)
Refuses point blank to look at any of the stuff school gave us, refuses to use the headspace app, says they don't know why(?)
I feel gaslit, tbh with you... I feel like I have whiplash from their moods/feelings
Was awake til 3am, so look and feel like roadkill :(
We were supposed to be going out today, but I've cancelled as neither of us is up to it now
So much of what they are saying/explaining is imo just...."normal"...?
Behaving differently around different people... we all do that, don't we?
Different personas for work/home/friends? We all have these, dont we?
Listening to their inner critic/inner demon? Don't we all do that, too?
I'm struggling, and I'm feeling like they enjoy the drama :(
I will be spending today in bed - I have prep to do for a meeting tomorrow
Dp is away. Other dc are out and about today. I'm totally alone with this situation, and I'm obviously making the whole thing worse.
I don't feel I can leave the house and them alone, I don't feel I can talk to them as I don't want a repeat of last night/this morning...
Do I tell dp? Can't really do anything from where they are...
Sorry.
Bit of a pity post :(

Zoo other than the separate room what other access arrangements are in place for DD3? You can make the EHCNA request yourself. IPSEA has a model letter you can use

@PokeyLaFarge Firstly sending you a big hug. I am really sorry to hear things are so tough. Try and get some rest today. I have become better at carving out myself an hour here and there where I basically don't worry about anything to do with dc. It helps me to cope a bit better. At the beginning of our experience, I definitely thought some of the things you have mentioned, and even today there are things I question but it didn't change the fact that something wasn't right and my dc was clearly very unhappy. And when it got to a crisis point it no longer really mattered about my doubts as again what my dc was going through was terrifying for them and for me. Would they be willing to try a counsellor? It is not a miracle cure but it does help for them to have another person to talk to. Plus for yourself, it's nice to know someone else is trying to help your dc.

@1bounceforward2back yes I agree with what you are saying. I will broach the subject with her again although I know she's quite resistant to the idea as she doesn't think it will change anything or be helpful. I actually have SAD lamp and will give it a whirl!

@Stilllivinginazoo I am glad there is some movement. Sometimes feathers need to be ruffled.

@okisenough
Thank you

They got up earlier and said they felt better, downloaded a mh app and have checked out some online nhs resources

They've eaten and Showered

Say they are happy to go to school tomorrow so we will see what tomorrow brings

Thank you for your kindness. It's much appreciated x

They've said no to a counsellor atm

But I've made clear it's there if they change their mind

pokey what you describe many of us can relate to and ok is bang on the button about importance of carving time for yourself to help you cope
Sending a virtual hug and some calming vibes for the week ahead

Hello all
this weekend my 15 daughter finally accepted that and needed some help, mood swings, depression and not wanting to be here thoughts . Doc said could go to a&e as near closing time so off we went. Waiting now it’s Monday in hope CAMHS call and she gets into the system. She has had a good weekend distracting herself with friends but won’t talk to me at all about it. Won’t allow me in tells me to go away when I ask. I’d just love to be able to hug her. She’s angry at me. Has been since her father left me. I am trying very hard to keep it together and not cry but it’s hard isn’t it.

Thank you zoo

holly
I'm sorry to hear your dd is struggling too
The gp has done a referral to camhs for my dc
I'm finding it utterly exhausting tbh
I have caring responsibilities for another family member so I'm off there today
I feel like just hiding away tbh

Yes I feel like hiding in a hole with the kids and emerging when everyone is ok. I have given up a new relationship to focus on my daughter. I am holding down a job and that is about as much as I can handle.

I've sent an email to the school this morning asking for more information on the incident last week.

I feel constantly on edge atm which I'm sure you're all familiar with:(

Welcome holly
I'm glad she accepted some first steps and hopefully she's now in the system and will get some signposting if there's a wait for services required

I feel I need to say to both you and pokey(in the kindest of ways) you really need to be putting some energy into caring for yourselves
You both sound utterly exhausted,and I fully grasp the task you face as I have three DC all diagnosed as later teens with ASD all with challenges and anxiety issues in different ways so I do get how hard it is to keep you head above water when we are almost programmed to put our DC first..

BUT

you can't be the best support for them if you are drowning..
Sometimes you need to step back for a few minutes and say what do I NEED

That can be very different for all of us-
A walk/exercise
Comfort food or TV shows
Painting nails/face pack/bubble bath
A puzzle/book/colouring
Getting a coffee and having half hour people watching on a park bench in Costa etc

It doesn't matter what it is if you cannot keep your own heads above water everyone drowns so it's not a luxury it's a necessity

You NEED that caring input to support your own inner strength,and I know how easy it is to drop everything in pursuit of what feels like managing your child,but if that includes letting go of things to keep you upright it's very damaging longterm for your mental health

This is in no way a criticism,I think we can all say been there and done that as it quick becomes an all encompassing vortex of trying to keep one foot ahead of the next "disaster"❤️

I challenge everyone on here today to do ONE THING for yourselves,and I'd love to hear what that was and how it made you feel xx

zoo
You are very wise x

I've sorted my family member out this morning and come home rather earlier than I normally do (guilt, guilt...)

I've done some prep for a meeting later

I'm now eating skips (?!) and am about to watch re runs of "Frasier" on ch4! :)

I'll be glad when tonight's meeting is over and I've not got that at the back of my mind

I'm hopefully meeting up with a friend on Wednesday for coffee, which I'm looking forward to

I've bought a mini Christmas tree from M&S to cheer myself up 🎄

Thank you all for your kindness. I've felt very alone for the past week x

@Stilllivinginazoo No criticism taken at all. I’m extremely lucky to have family to support but it’s hard when I still want to try be strong. I have been for a coffee with my mum today and later will go to the gym and currently am happy cleaning out under my bed as relaxing as that does not sound it’s therapeutic lol x

Welcome @HollyIvy89.

@HollyIvy89
Welcome...though sorry you need to be here.

My DD has similar issues to you so I can empathise.
I hope camhs are able to help.
If you happen to get to the assessment stage do clearly state you as a parent need help..
Camhs seem to be different based on the area and type of service..
For us it has been helpful..the therapist is not the greatest and she only will see dd once a month for check in but they are a multi disciplinary service and can bring other professionals in as needed.
In my DDs case, she saw a psychiatrist and the eating disorder team on the referral from camhs therapist.
We wouldn't have access to these without camhs..

Would your dd engage in counselling and if so I would go private if you can
Unless it's a crisis camhs usually will be a very long wait list.
In my DDs case she took an overdose so she was seen by a social worker at A&E

It's an awful thing to go through and a painfully slow process.
We can only be there for the kids and take it one day at a time.

Zoo's advice is so spot on...we need to look after ourselves all the more!

Xx

@DarkChocHolic im hoping it’s deemed high as we went via a&e but then again the doc there may have downgraded it. I don’t know. I haven’t had a call as yet. She won’t go to counselling dead against it so I hope CAMHS will convince her it is a good option. I’ve had lots of counselling myself. I’m all for taking the help on offer but I can not force her to. I feel helpless right now.

@HollyIvy89 could DD engage in a less direct form of therapy that relies less on verbal communication and maybe taps into DD’s interests? For example, something like animal-assisted therapy.

DC has had a difficult week, nothing we haven't seen before but still it always makes me sad that she struggles so much with school and feels so low about everything. Hoping the weekend brings her some respite.

@okisenough
Sorry to hear that x
Mixed week here.
Went to hobby group last night and seemed to enjoy it.
They seem OK, but very tired.
I'm constantly on tenterhooks and can't settle. If my phone rings I jump. It's horrible.

@PokeyLaFarge thanks. I still feel like that sometimes and yes it is horrible. I wish I could scream into the void!!! But I can't so instead I will keep calm and bloody carry on! Going to try and watch some comedy tonight to take my mind off things.

Hope you and everyone has a good evening x