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Mental health

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Original poster

I'm getting a termination

419 replies

Sadandveryupset · 10/01/2008 10:28

Hi !
I have posted few posts on my present situation. DH and I had a condom failure, took the MAP and it didnt work as I'm now pregnant. It's still really hard to believe I'm pregnant, it's my third pregnancy.
I cant keep it because I have already 2 young daughters, we cant afford to have another one. I'm so so so sad to have to go trought with it. If I keep it, it's going to wreck my family, I'll never be able to look after 3 young children, we'll always be poor, not being able to afford a house. I love my dds so much and I want to anything I can to be there for them at every levels. Has anyone been in my situation ? How do you live after such a trauma ?

OP posts:

UniversallyChallenged · 15/01/2008 00:10

great post psychomum x

NorthernLurker · 15/01/2008 00:10

but this baby wouldn't be unwanted if you want it. Your dh and your other children are important of course - but it's you at the heart of this matter and you at the heart of the family. It's so admirable to read how you are trying to sacrifice your own wishes for what you think may be best for them - but you can't live like that.
This has been said before - but I'll repeat it - if you think you would feel sad but relieved with a termination then go forward - but it really sounds like you need to give yourself more time at least.

expatinscotland · 15/01/2008 00:10

and forgive me, but there is NO way in HELL i'd have said such a thing to my child!

NorthernLurker · 15/01/2008 00:11

Good point expat - it's kind of number one in the list of 'unhelpful things to say to your daughter' isn't it!

psychomum5 · 15/01/2008 00:12

oh summer......this baby is wanted and so should BE wanted.

if you want this baby, then don't do this.

your family WILL NOT SUFFER if you have this baby, but if you don't, then you will suffer and so will you DH and DD's, not least because you will start to hate yourself and then start thinking that everyone should hate you....and so on into a cycle you will find hard to lift out of.

if you love your DD's as much as it screams at me that you do, then this baby will be as loved and cherished as them.

one more baby in a famly of love is a gift to cherish, not something to be terrified of.

please don;t so this to yourself........please. you will cope......you coped with your first DD right into a new relationship.......you will cope again.

however, should you go tomorrow after what you have just admitted, you will not cope. On the surface you may, but underneath, you will live with a certain amount of sadness that it seems others here also feel.

expatinscotland · 15/01/2008 00:13

even if it were true, there are many Things Which Are Not for Sharing with My Daughters Because They Are My Daughters.

That would be one of them.

And this isn't about her and what she may have gone though, summer.

This is about YOU.

notjustmom · 15/01/2008 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Summerfruit · 15/01/2008 00:13

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 15/01/2008 00:15

no, we're not talking about a car, we're talking about your well-being, summer.

please try to sleep.

and go with your heart.

or whatever.

we're here for support.

PurpleOne · 15/01/2008 00:16

Summer,

I honestly don't know what to say. Nothing constructive but wanting to send you gentle blessings (((hug))) for whatever your decisions may bring.
Don't fret about your mum. It is your body not hers.

I know the anger you feel, I was told I was unwanted, but it never stopped my body from getting rid of my first unborn son.
I feel your pain and holds your hand x x

Summerfruit · 15/01/2008 00:17

Message withdrawn

psychomum5 · 15/01/2008 00:17

and also.......it is not your mum raising your daughters or being a wife to your husband, so she has no right telling you this.

I am so sad for you, and scared that you are being forced into a place you don't want and shouldn't be in.

only you can make this choice, it is your body, your baby......and your DH is there supporting you (in either choice I am assuming!)

three babys do make make for a terrible life

a lack of love make for a terrible life!

and you are soooo not lacking in love

UniversallyChallenged · 15/01/2008 00:21

fwiw - a small probably insignificant comment - the change from one child to two was FAR greater than from 2 to 3 for me. She kind of just "slipped in" to the family. Does that make sense?

pirategirl · 15/01/2008 00:23

is unfair, it is.

Your scared for so many reasons.

I had sex once with my ex dh, after 6 months of no sex, and 3 yrs of trying for our 1st baby.

i got pg, and couldn't go ahead with the pg.

I decided the night b4 the termination not to have the termination.

Thats what i wanted in my heart.

next day i realsied tings hadn't changed. all the reasons I spent 4 weeks crying over, hadn't changed.

So i had the termination. I made myself go and have it.

I was 7 weeks, and had a medical one.

I am so very very sorry to read what u r going thru. I can't help you, i wish i could.

I only know that had I not had a medical condition that would have made it almost impossible to care for my dd1, whilst pg with the unplanned one, i would have had it.

saturdaynight · 15/01/2008 00:25

oh summer.. for you reading that last post. Wish I could wave a magic wand and sort this out for you. Being a mother has given you a different perspective on this, as you mentioned in a previous post. It is a difficult, serious decision you are making and I think you are dealing with it as best as anyone could. It would be worse if it didn't matter to you, if you could just shrug it all off as a minor inconvenience. Be strong tomorrow and be sure - do this for yourself not your dds or your dh.You come across as a sincere and deeply thoughtful person which I hope will help you to struggle through all this and find some grace.

Hedda · 15/01/2008 00:31

Message withdrawn

saturdaynight · 15/01/2008 00:35

So many posts on from the one I was responding to, I am a very slow typer Summer, I think psycho has said what others are thinking- you seem so doubtful and lost. Do feel you not go ahead with this if you are not sure. I had no peace with my decison to have a termination although I had a list of why it was the right thing to do but I will never forget the relief I felt when I changed my mind at the last minute. I knew absolutely I had made the right choice and I still feel that. Find strength to do what you want.

saturdaynight · 15/01/2008 00:52

And fwiw I have 4 children,only 1 of which was planned and theres just a year between the last two. They don't have nintendos and they share my attention but it seems to be ok.Love, and having the security of knowing they are loved, really is the most important thing children need and you seem to have loads of it to give. Perhaps I have read it wrong but I think you have childhood scars that need healing as well. You are not your mother, we are not all bound to repeat our parents mistakes.

rosegold · 15/01/2008 02:04

Hello Summerfruit,

I hope you are ok. Above all else you need to be true to yourself at this moment. Please listen to your heart & follow your truest feelings.

The trauma of losing a baby you would love to have could be so much more devastating to you & your family than the impact of a new addition.

Your inner happiness will enable your children to feel happy & secure & to enjoy their childhood so much more than anything you could buy them. (Even if they don't realise this at the time!) If they sense that you're sad inside, they'll feel sad too.

While financial struggles are dismal, grief & feeling forced to act against your instinct could be so much more distressing. the leaflets giving information about medical abortions make it all seem so simple, but both the physical & emotional effects can be extreme & really hard to deal with. If you are deeply upset, everyone around you will be upset too. I know you may feel compelled to do this, but I just want you to know that your deepest feelings are the most important thing of all. they won't change & the sadness stays.

i really hope you are able to make the choice that feels right in your heart. it's your baby and you can keep it. magical things can happen with positive thinking. xxx

psychomum5 · 15/01/2008 07:54

summer......you say that you know how it feels to be unwanted....

you have said that this baby IS wanted, so he/she will never grow up with those feelings, YOU won't pass them on!!!!!

saturday has point the point perfectly....we are not all bound to repeat the mistakes of our parents. maybe this baby is here to help you address those feelings???

I hope tho, that today, if you do go.....please don't beat yourself about it. you don't need that, you are in enough pain already.

we all want you tho to make the right chouce for YOU, and one that you can live with.

whatever........I am with you and I am sending hugs for you.

saturdaynight · 15/01/2008 09:37

Summer , just want to say thinking and caring about you today whatever you decide. Take care.

StealthPolarBear · 15/01/2008 10:00

We're all still here for you summerfruit

notjustmom · 15/01/2008 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScoobyDoo · 15/01/2008 10:06

Thinking of you also Summer, i hope you can find some piece within yourself, lots of hugs for you & please keep talking we are here xx

kaz33 · 15/01/2008 14:34

Thinking of you.

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