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Original poster

Not invited on holiday

404 replies

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:03

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this Sad

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about Sad, we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip BlushSad

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 12/04/2022 16:39

You are completely right to feel upset. I'd be gutted and struggle to move on.

I'd have to say something on one of their pictures and see who contacts you, that'll tell you a lot.

wheretonow123 · 12/04/2022 16:39

Hi OP, sorry to hear this. There is a fair chance that some of the others did not know that you were excluded.

Btw, is there a reason for the second chat group that excludes you? If it everyone except one then it would be a method for someone a bit devious to notice that and arrange something excluding you.

I definitely wouldnt ask on SM but I would consider asking on the WhatsApp group that you are all on - you could be fairly blunt but not accuse anyone in particular.

If you are certain about your good friends in the grop you could keep a relationship with them on an individual basis and back off the bigger group - that's why I wouldn't have a problem being blunt about it now - though I would be cold about it and not emotional.

MarriedThreeChildren · 12/04/2022 16:40

If you don’t want to ask them. Just mention it. Something along the lines of
‘Oh that sounds great. A lot like the trip we did together . I hope you have a lovely time. Next time you organise a trip again, let me know :)’

And thé see what sort if response you get.
A big silence will tell you a lot tbh.

olympicsrock · 12/04/2022 16:40

Could it have been something like there was already a car full ?

DisappearingGirl · 12/04/2022 16:41

That's really hurtful OP. Anyone would be hurt by this if it is a close friendship group and you are the only one excluded.

It's horrible of them to put it on social media.

My guess is that one of the group you're less close to decided to play Queen Bee and leave you out, and the others weren't brave enough to challenge it. It's quite hard to tell a mean or stubborn organiser "you really have to include x".

Personally I wouldn't address it via message. I would wait till they are back and then meet up with the one/two you're closest to, and just ask openly, e.g. I saw you all went away, I was a bit hurt to be left out, can I ask if I've done anything to upset you guys? I think their reactions will tell you as much as what they say.

It might be that you want to distance yourself from the group - but conversely if it was a Queen Bee situation then you might be able to keep your friendship with the one/two you are closest with. For example they may be really apologetic and say something like "x organised it and insisted on the smaller group, I'm really sorry".

If it helps, I've seen scenarios like this many many times on MN, and the OP always sounds like a lovely thoughtful person who is beating themselves up about whether they are not liked. I think in reality there are a few Queen Bees out there who like to go on a power trip by excluding someone. Horrible schoolyard behaviour.

2Hot2Handle · 12/04/2022 16:41

Message your friend in the group you’re closest to and ask them why. Then whatever the response, take comfort in the fact that you were strong enough to put your needs first and confront this head on.
The friendship has been damaged already when you found out about this secret trip, so better to voice your upset and ask why you weren’t invited. Ask for honesty with their response and you might get some answers that could be helpful to you in the future.

ExplodingElephants · 12/04/2022 16:41

Even the ‘close’ friend doesn’t sound that great if she wasn’t willing to speak up for you or at least give you the heads up. They don’t sound like the sort of people you need in your like @semicharmed Find some new mates. There’s a Queen Bee in there and once you’re gone, she’ll turn on someone else, guaranteed. Don’t even bother saying anything, they’ll get the message.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 16:41

@Heythere13

They haven’t rubbed your nose in it!

You haven’t probably entered their thoughts. You are hurt because you perceive the relationship as being much closer than they do.

Because it is! It isn’t an accident that it’s been planned outside of our active group chat.
OP posts:
Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 16:42

@olympicsrock

Could it have been something like there was already a car full ?
They went on the train.
OP posts:
1forAll74 · 12/04/2022 16:42

It wasn't really rubbed in your face,, but only because you use social media, and saw what they were up to.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/04/2022 16:44

I'd put a message in the group chat

"OMG I can't believe I missed the messages about this, I'm so sorry not to be there - why didn't you remind me ? Sad"

familyissues12345 · 12/04/2022 16:44

Ah gutting Sad

I would probably try and move on and find new friends. Easier said than done, I know, but I had something similar happen and I decided I didn't want to be friends with people who would treat their friends like that

Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 16:44

Because it is! It isn’t an accident that it’s been planned outside of our active group chat.

But how do you know that whilst it was your active group
It wasn’t theirs?

katicomps · 12/04/2022 16:45

It doesn't matter that there may be one nasty ringleader, the rest of the group are just as bad for allowing ops exclusion.
I despise spineless, silent fence-sitters just as much as the overt bullies.

Op, I've been in a very similar situation. It's making me tear up a bit just reading your posts as it's bringing it all back. I cut them all out, even the ones who I thought I was closer to. It took a while but I'm out the other side now and can see that they weren't really my friends.
The rejection really hurts but you're better off without them xxx

BulletTrain · 12/04/2022 16:45

I couldn't leave this and pretend I didn't know. Don't be a doormat.

bluehaze · 12/04/2022 16:45

Four people CrazyTimes? That’s rubbish of them. They don’t deserve you. Organising holidays is an undervalued task.
Sorry you are suffering OP. I hope you can eventually put it behind you. But you aren’t wrong to be hurt.

Mary46 · 12/04/2022 16:46

Op sorry for you. Thats shit. It was done to me few years back with flights. Left out of plans. I was upset. It was my sisters! I find women are sly well some are

fabulousathome · 12/04/2022 16:46

I think I would have to ask one of my friends that was on the trip (perhaps call her while she's away even), and ask if you've accidentally done something wrong as you weren't asked on the trip.

I wouldn't text about it to the group.

BulletTrain · 12/04/2022 16:46

@Heythere13

*Because it is! It isn’t an accident that it’s been planned outside of our active group chat.*

But how do you know that whilst it was your active group
It wasn’t theirs?

What? They've been posting in the normal group with OP all along and deliberately not mentioned this trip, so they must have had another group to plan it.
WhydoesthesunalwaysshineonTV · 12/04/2022 16:47

You need to ask them all a straight genuine question in the group chat, so that you’ll know the reason and for your own mind. Don’t just ask one person.
It will be easier then to let it go. After their reply you can decide what to do.
Just write that you feel sad to not have been invited, may I ask what was the reason? It’s the truth.

WonderfulYou · 12/04/2022 16:47

Because it is! It isn’t an accident that it’s been planned outside of our active group chat.

If you think they’ve actively not invited you and gone behind your back then I’d write on the group chat right now asking why I wasn’t invited.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 16:47

@Heythere13

*Because it is! It isn’t an accident that it’s been planned outside of our active group chat.*

But how do you know that whilst it was your active group
It wasn’t theirs?

Perhaps I don’t know. Seems there’s a lot I don’t know 🤷🏼‍♀️

The chat is active every day though.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 12/04/2022 16:49

Don't ask why you were excluded. The only possible explanation is that, for whatever reason, they chose not to invite you. Do you really want to hear them say that? Would it make you feel better?

It's a horrible feeling. Happened to me a couple of years ago. A friend invited people out for her birthday, but not me. I was surprised and hurt. We are still friends, but I now know that we're not as close as I thought we were. It stings a little, but I've made my peace with it

Notonthestairs · 12/04/2022 16:49

Well they've obviously not asked the Op because she didn't know anything about it before the pictures were put on social media.

They clearly have a separate group.

I'd speak to one that you know best and review your friendship depending on what they say.

Crudger · 12/04/2022 16:49

Message the one you’re close to. It may be that some of them were misled into thinking you didn’t want to go.

Say something like ‘hey xx, saw you guys were away together looked like fun. I’m a bit confused though. Of course I don’t have to be invited to everything but there is a reason nobody even mentioned that you were going away? We talk nearly every day on the group chat so it seems odd that nobody would say anything about it. I feel quite excluded if I’m honest. Have I done something to upset someone? ‘