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Original poster

Not invited on holiday

404 replies

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:03

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this Sad

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about Sad, we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip BlushSad

OP posts:
LibbyL92 · 12/04/2022 15:44

Comment on the photo

‘’Thanks for the invite girls!! Looks like I’m missing out on a great trip, can’t wait to hear all about it!’’

I’ve done this before and it was soon resolved…

2me2u2u2me · 12/04/2022 15:46

Two things I've read here op that I don't agree with, the first is

I do have a particularly close friend within the group who knows I have always struggled with feelings of abandonment and anxiety so I will probably speak to her at some point and just ask her honestly why I was excluded.

I wouldn't do this, I would speak to them together as one on their own might do what a pp said and make excuses without the others' knowing.

the second is I don’t think my reaction is necessarily normal as I don’t think most people would be this hurt or upset

your reaction is 100% normal in my opinion, I would be deeply hurt and I think most people would be.

I would definitely be calling them out on it.

Sorry they've done this to you

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 12/04/2022 15:48

Your reaction is perfectly normal. Many people would be very upset to have been cut out if a friendship group like that.

A quick message could.be something like "Ooh! I didn't know you had all gone away. I wish I had known about it, it looks lovely"

And then leave it. They'll all have to evaluate what they know, what they did or did not do if/when your name came up.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:49

It’s not even a trip abroad. It’s a fucking camping trip in the UK which we’ve done before and had the most wonderful time, so it’s not a question of expense or not being room for me.

I feel like a little child who hasn’t been invited to a birthday party and it’s just bringing a lot of horrible old feelings to the surface.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 12/04/2022 15:49

God your feelings are totally normal. Thing is raising it makes it worse - you won’t get an honest answer anyway.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 12/04/2022 15:50

Has been organised as a birthday/celebration for one of the attendants who you are not close with?
If not these seems really odd. Do you often cancel? Are you the only one with/without children?

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2022 15:51

@semicharmed

I do have a particularly close friend within the group who knows I have always struggled with feelings of abandonment and anxiety so I will probably speak to her at some point and just ask her honestly why I was excluded. I don’t think my reaction is necessarily normal as I don’t think most people would be this hurt or upset but it’s knocked my self esteem for six and I feel truly horrible about myself which is something I’ve managed to keep under control for years Sad
Oh, I think they would

I absolutely would be very hurt indeed

NameGoesHere · 12/04/2022 15:52

You need to say something. This friendship won’t be the same now because of them going away.

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2022 15:52

@LibbyL92

Comment on the photo

‘’Thanks for the invite girls!! Looks like I’m missing out on a great trip, can’t wait to hear all about it!’’

I’ve done this before and it was soon resolved…

What was the reasoning?
Partyatnumber10 · 12/04/2022 15:52

I'm sorry this happened to you, it's incredibly hurtful and unkind.
The thing is though, I quite often see this type of post on here and wonder what the other side of the story might be.
Most people want things to be as easy as possible.
Excluding one person, setting up a new group and making sure they don't find out makes life harder so I wonder why they have decided that it's worth the effort?
It's impossible to say without knowing you op but have you fallen out with one member perhaps?
Or does your anxiety inadvertently make you a stressful or draining person to go away with?
It's worth trying to have an honest chat with some of them to see if this friendship is worth salvaging or if actually they're just a bunch of bitches and you need to create some distance.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/04/2022 15:53

I'm sorry OP, that's just mean. There are better friends out there.

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2022 15:53

OP, if there's one you think you're particularly close to and she hasn't told you , she wouldn't be the one I'd approach

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2022 15:54

@semicharmed

I’ll probably never say a word and keep this bottled up forever. I’ve typed out a whole message to them which I’ll probably just keep in my notes on my phone because I don’t want anyone to know they’ve hurt me so badly. This whole thread is just a bit of catharsis for me to vent and say all the things I’d never say to them for fear of making them feel bad about themselves.

I do have other truly wonderful friends though who I am very grateful for Smile

Then definitely distance yourself from them.

Nasty cows. It's like school all over again

lemongreentea · 12/04/2022 15:54

OP I don't think any of them are discussing you behind your back while on holiday, they aren't thinking of you at all and I don't mean that to come across in mean way. They are only thinking of themselves.

You say the friend you are closest to knows you have abandoment issues, well she doesnt seem like much of a friend.

Why not ask them? Otherwise you will never know and most likely carry on being friends with people who knowingly exclude you. Good that you have other kinder friend. Focus on them instead and cut these ones out.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/04/2022 15:55

I don’t think my reaction is necessarily normal as I don’t think most people would be this hurt or upset

I think your reaction is very normal. Are you saying that you always go away with this same group of friends every year but this year they’ve gone without you and then posted photos about it? I think anyone would be upset.

I would put a message on the group chat-‘Hey, saw the lovely photos on SM, I was just wondering if there was a reason why I hadn’t been invited?’

Put the ball in their court.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:55

None of us have kids. Our ages are spread across a decade and I’m right in the middle. No birthdays coming up (although I didn’t get a single card for mine from any of them come to think of it but I did get a message from each in the group chat, I know some people don’t do cards), the group chat is active every day so it must be that they have a separate one without me in it as I can’t see why they’d all know and I didn’t otherwise.

I’ve never cancelled or declined a trip in the past and have always been described as ‘the one you’d count on’ by most of them at some point or another, perhaps that’s code for ‘mug’ Blush

OP posts:
Springhassprung86 · 12/04/2022 15:56

Yanbu. I would definitely ask. You can do so without being confrontational.
Weird because if it was a secret surely they wouldn’t have posted all over SM? I’m sorry you’ve been hurt Flowers

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:57

Never fallen out with any of them and have a good relationship with each in turn. I don’t mention my anxiety ‘in real life’ unless relevant (and definitely not on holiday!) and it’s usually at bay until something like this happens so it doesn’t make me act any differently to ‘normal’ people I don’t think.

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 12/04/2022 15:58

Are you too nice OP? The one who is the most easygoing and the rest take advantage of you?

The lack of birthday card wouldnt bother me but if it bothers you either say something or stop sending them cards?

Goldengoosey · 12/04/2022 15:59

OP that’s shit that this has happened but your reaction is perfectly normal. Rather than stewing over it just send a group message saying you’ve saw the pics. You would have loved to have went and ask why you weren’t included. Do tell us how you get on. Best of luck x

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 16:02

@lemongreentea

Are you too nice OP? The one who is the most easygoing and the rest take advantage of you?

The lack of birthday card wouldnt bother me but if it bothers you either say something or stop sending them cards?

Probably. I do let people take the piss a bit sometimes but I don’t feel like any of them ever really have before.

I don’t care so much about the birthday cards tbh, that’s just how some people are, but this situation is really bothering me.

OP posts:
Jennywren1975 · 12/04/2022 16:03

I think you need to say something OP.
If you don't, they'll think it's ok to do it again and you'll keep getting hurt.

The worst that can happen is the friendship ends or they realise how hurtful it was to exclude you and won't do it again.
Be brave and ask.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 12/04/2022 16:04

Flowers Sorry, OP, that's a really shit thing to happen to you.

incompetentcervix · 12/04/2022 16:05

I want to join the chorus of people saying that your reaction is totally normal.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 16:07

There’s one in the group who I know can be very thoughtless (a bit selfish and a micromanager at times) so if anyone is likely to have arranged this it’s her, and another who I’ve never been amazingly close with. The other two I would consider two of the closest friends I’ve ever had and I do occasionally see them outside of ‘the group’, although they are a couple and have only become a couple since we all met and had been friends for some time totally outs self so the dynamic is different, if that makes sense?

OP posts: