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Original poster

Not invited on holiday

404 replies

semicharmed · 12/04/2022 15:03

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this Sad

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about Sad, we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip BlushSad

OP posts:
Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 16:50

@WonderfulYou

Because it is! It isn’t an accident that it’s been planned outside of our active group chat.

If you think they’ve actively not invited you and gone behind your back then I’d write on the group chat right now asking why I wasn’t invited.

They look like they’re having a wonderful time and I truly don’t want to spoil it by asking. One of them has posted a video of where they are titled ‘why you should visit X place’ and the temptation to comment ‘I would have’ is very strong.
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jampim · 12/04/2022 16:50

Are you the only 1 person not invited op? Was anyone else left out?

It could be that the less nice person was the arranger and invited the others.

I'd ask the one you're closest to.

oioimatey · 12/04/2022 16:50

Your reaction is normal. I'd be really upset. I'd write in the group chat something along the lines of "you're all away? Where was my invite??"

Herecomesthesun2022 · 12/04/2022 16:51

I don’t think texts are a helpful way to address anything meaningful. Do you have any plans coming up to see any of the group ? That would be a much better time to address it. Then you can see their faces as you respond. Then, assuming there’s no genuine justification for excluding you (which seems likely) you can draw a line under it and move on from the friendships. How bloody hurtful. What a bunch of shits

oioimatey · 12/04/2022 16:51

Fuck it, spoil it for them and ask them straight up. They can't ignore you!

ElenaSt · 12/04/2022 16:51

@Cherrysoup

I’d be devastated. I’d have to message my mate to ask wtaf.
But the mate went on the trip so is more of a Judas than the others as she could have gently told the op beforehand the reason why the group had decided not to ask her to come.
Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 16:52

Three of us not invited. One never comes to anything and works away but I ALWAYS ask her when I do the organising, and the other hasn’t been asked either and I think is also quite upset but is very shy and probably will never say a word about it.

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katicomps · 12/04/2022 16:52

I'm another vote for not confronting.
It's not an accident and you won't like what they have to say.
You won't be able to carry on the friendship in the same manner as before so, imo, best just to draw a line under it.
A simple "semicharmed has left the group" which is what appears when you leave a WhatsApp group, should be all they need to know.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 16:53

We have a very big event coming up where I’ll see all of them but it isn’t going to be an appropriate time or place to bring it up.

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Poppins2016 · 12/04/2022 16:53

@Heythere13

I went on when do once

During the stay one of the hens posted on FB

The bride to be received a text from a “friend” demanding to know why she hasn’t been invited.

We were all utterly perplexed. This “friend” was very much on the periphery. Yes part of general messaging groups but not close knit. The main messaging group didn’t have her and no one socialised with her other than birthday bashes when lots invited.

She had a very different view on the relationship, which none of us shared .

I can see where you're coming from in a way. But I would argue that there were some mixed messages if the friend was good enough for socialising with at birthdays (arguably meaningful occasions) but not a hen do... I'd personally ask the same crowd of people to both events, so I can't blame her for being confused!
tearinghairout · 12/04/2022 16:54

I think you should find out., rather than bottling it up and imagining the worst. I would have to ask the person I am closest to. "Was there a reason I wasn't invited on your trip? It seems a bit odd, when we all had such a good time before."
When this happened to a friend of mine she eventually found out they hadn't invited her to a birthday meal because she is vegan and they didn't want to go to the bother of accommodating her needs.

ImBurtMacklin · 12/04/2022 16:55

You can ask and find out, or you can stay silent and slowly stew on why, getting more upset in the process.

Just ask them.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/04/2022 16:56

I'd be torn between calling them out in a calm unemotional way or just leaving the two Whats App groups you are on and see if any of them still want to be in contact.
Does everyone on your WhatsApp group go?
is it possible that this is not the actually annual holiday but an extra one?
If it is the annual holiday and you were the only one not invited.. I'd be tempted to whatsapp to say. "Just wanted to ask about the recent annual group camping trip. I was invited last year and am curious as to why you all decided not to mention it to me this year, but then posted all about it on FB so knowing I would see it after the event"
Then I'd see if any of them reply.
If no reply in a few days I'd just withdraw from the groups.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 12/04/2022 16:56

It's mean and a shitty way to treat a 'friend' and the bottom line is that these people are not your friends, because friends don't pull shit like this. If I were in your position I'd message the lot of them 'Really hurt that you've all chosen to exclude me from this trip', and then I'd remove myself from the group and the whole lot of them can get lost.

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 16:56

@ImBurtMacklin

You can ask and find out, or you can stay silent and slowly stew on why, getting more upset in the process.

Just ask them.

I think part of the reason I don’t want to ask is because hearing why I wasn’t wanted or why I’m not good enough for the people I love like sisters will break my heart.
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thebabynanny · 12/04/2022 16:57

I'd have to say something just for my own peace of mind.
I wouldn't be confrontational about it or pass-agg on facebook, just something on the group chat like
"hey, I must have missed that everyone was going camping?? Looks like fun, I wish I could have come x"

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 12/04/2022 16:57

They might not all be aware that you were not invited.
Someone in the group might have misrepresented things and let the others think that you didn't want to be involved .

This person picked someone who wouldn't kick up a fuss when excluded.

Is there one in that group who would like this kind of power?

AlternativePerspective · 12/04/2022 16:58

I was going to say that this is hurtful and that you should confront them until I read your last post.

If 3 out of 7 haven’t been invited then that is entirely different as it’s just a group of friends going on holiday. When you have groups of friends it’s inevitable that some of those friends are going to do things without the others, and it’s a bit off to assume you’re going to be included in everything that any of those friends do.

And tbh that is a bit of a drip feed, because if you’d mentioned from the outset that half the group had gone away then you would have had different responses.

They’re not excluding you, some of them fancied doing something together and that’s entirely normal within a friendship group.

If you mention anything you’re going to look incredibly petty.

onemouseplace · 12/04/2022 16:58

Ah, so you're not the only one not there/ not invited. Can you message the others who aren't there to find out if they knew anything about it?

It's rubbish though - I suspect whoever organised the trip just doesn't see you as being part of what they consider the 'inner group' and that is really rubbish to find out. I had something similar happen with a group of friends when one friend made it very obvious that she considered me as part of the peripheral group and not the core group - the whole group dynamic has been off ever since and I've stopped making any effort with her.

Dairymilk50 · 12/04/2022 16:59

How long have you known the friend your closest to out of the group?

I don't think this is innocent because there's been no mention... never mind an invite.

I would ring the friend who you are closest with out of the group and just ask her directly... you can't be that close as you thought.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/04/2022 16:59

@tearinghairout

I think you should find out., rather than bottling it up and imagining the worst. I would have to ask the person I am closest to. "Was there a reason I wasn't invited on your trip? It seems a bit odd, when we all had such a good time before." When this happened to a friend of mine she eventually found out they hadn't invited her to a birthday meal because she is vegan and they didn't want to go to the bother of accommodating her needs.
Thats such a rubbish reason. Your poor friend. Most restaurants can cope with Vegans nowadays and if its a meal at one of their houses, she can bring her own. We always offer to bring a dish and the hosts usually say yes and then its no problem.
FlamingGalar · 12/04/2022 16:59

I’ve been in exactly this situation op and it really felt like a sucker punch to the gut, so I completely understand your reaction. I was going through a really difficult time in my life as it was and it felt like I’d been kicked while I was down. These were people I’d live with for a couple of years and I considered each of them one of my closest friends when I found out a weekend away had been planned and I had been deliberately excluded. I couldn’t help but to ask what the hell was going on as i would never have expected to be excluded from a group holiday with this particular group of people. As it turned out I had said something to piss off the organiser a few month previous and this was the reason I was shunned. The other two didn’t have an issue with me but for some reason thought it a reasonable move to exclude me when I was having a pretty shitty time of it in other aspects of my life. They must have known it would be incredibly hurtful.

After I confronted them it gave us an opportunity to have a conversation about the perceived slight against my friend and to move forward with the friendship. I decided it was a relationship work working on as we had been so close previously but it has definitely changed our friendship - although I’ve forgiven them I’ll never forget how shitty they made me feel when I was already at a low ebb.

It’s really really crap and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this OP Flowers

Original poster
semicharmed · 12/04/2022 16:59

@thebabynanny

I'd have to say something just for my own peace of mind. I wouldn't be confrontational about it or pass-agg on facebook, just something on the group chat like "hey, I must have missed that everyone was going camping?? Looks like fun, I wish I could have come x"
I don’t do pass-agg and would never publicly embarrass them or call them out. I might pluck up the courage to say something like that, not sure Blush
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KatherineJaneway · 12/04/2022 16:59

I'd have to ask. I would want to know as this would colour every interaction I had with them moving forwards otherwise.

SarahDippity · 12/04/2022 17:00

I’d put up a short message on the group chat, ‘looks like you’re having a great time, I would have loved to be included.’ No questions, no accusations, just fact.