Not invited on holiday

[semicharmed]

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about , we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip

I hope you are ok op. You sound like a great friend, sorry you got such a hard time on this thread

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

So let’s talk a bit more about emotional resilience. There’s a scale of possibilities here, from the worst (which is where you were when you started this thread) to the best (which is where you're heading to with this new scenario). As I said before, nobody can tell you where on this scale your situation actually sits. So my point in raising the concept of emotional resilience is, how do you deal with the outcome, whatever it is? And more importantly how do you deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what the outcome could be? In many cases in life we don’t get a resolution - we have to live with not knowing what the other person / people were thinking. So for those who tend to over focus on other people’s responses, how to develop some resilience there? It’s hard. What I’m suggesting is, as others have already pointed out, unless you go in head-on and demand an explanation you’re not going to get a clear resolution. My suggestion would be, the most important thing is not to let the doubts nag away at you. Don’t let it keep coming back to you as time goes on. Accept whatever explanation makes sense to you, or accept the uncertainty of not knowing, but either way, be self-aware enough to know which it is and to be kind to yourself when the doubts start flooding in again.

Excellent post.

@Womeninblack

Some posters on here are complete and utter knobheads. Absolutely ridiculous comments about OP’s thoughts not being normal. Wow as if they have never ever made up scenarios in their head. They must go about their day with absolutely no thoughts whatsoever. Because I bet it would be irrational to overthink anything. Fuckin URGH!!!!

Completely agree.

I understand how hurt you must feel OP. Sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I’d feel exactly the same as you and wouldn’t understand how they could do this.
Ignore the nasty comments.

OP you don't have to answer this if it's too outing and sorry if you said already but how do you all know each other? I only ask coz it feels very like my closest group of friends who all have the same medical condition. I don't for a second think I know you IRL but I'm definitely getting the same vibe. My friends I talk of are all amazing and also like sisters and don't have a malicious bone in their body. However the dynamic can be complicated for a number of reasons. Hope you feel better soon x

@Jannt86

OP you don't have to answer this if it's too outing and sorry if you said already but how do you all know each other? I only ask coz it feels very like my closest group of friends who all have the same medical condition. I don't for a second think I know you IRL but I'm definitely getting the same vibe. My friends I talk of are all amazing and also like sisters and don't have a malicious bone in their body. However the dynamic can be complicated for a number of reasons. Hope you feel better soon x

No shared medical conditions we all trained for the same job together.

I suffer with anxiety (and depression) too OP so can completely

I'd feel devastated to be left out as I'm often the 'mother' of my friendship group. I'm not suffocating but I'm the one who texts to check they got home ok and make sure they get in their taxi before I leave.

I do have children though so do miss out sometimes but when I know I'm cool with it. It's when you don't know and your mind plays tricks on you, assuming a million scenarios at once.

It's all well and good being told to stay calm or think rational - oh boy if it was that easy wouldn't we be doing it?

I hope your scenario is the case OP though of course it could be anything really.

Ignore the assholes that seem to think 'oh an anxious person - let's mock them and make them feel worse' clearly they have something going on in their head and it's a lot more malignant.

💐

OP I totally understand how you feel and I think most people would feel the same way too. There are some really horrible people on this thread and I don’t think you should feel that you have to justify yourself to them. Everything you have said seems perfectly reasonable and you seem really nice! 😀

I think in situations like this it's so easy to have a knee jerk reaction. I'm glad you have taken some time to think it over.
I always tell myself never to act when emotions are running high. Always sleep on it at least and the outlook is often very different once you calmed down.

I hope your theory turns out to be right and I think in this instance you should only say something in person, to the friend you're closest to. Something breezy like 'oh it looked like you had a great time away, what made you decide to go there etc'? So you can get further info without being accusatory. Their response will tell you what you need to know.

I’m reminded that I’ve often been the organiser and ‘mother hen’ of gatherings. But I went through a pretty difficult patch when OH left me and I wasn’t good company (morose, drinking too much), and I got dropped from gatherings. I’d be included in ‘girls nights’ or walks, but never to evening/couple events. It took me a while but I rallied, got sober, changed jobs, and cleaned up my act and my mood. Last summer, I was mortified to be wheeling out the bins one night in my slippers, and coming round the corner was a group of my friends (in couples) all dressed up, heading into my neighbours-but-one for a barbecue and drinks. We are all in the same friend set, but I didn’t make the cut. I pondered it for a long time, but arrived at the conclusion that people just do stuff to suit themselves, and prefer to bask in a reflection that they like. Very hurtful. It’s not abnormal to puzzle these things out. Making peace with it is on your terms.

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

So let’s talk a bit more about emotional resilience. There’s a scale of possibilities here, from the worst (which is where you were when you started this thread) to the best (which is where you're heading to with this new scenario). As I said before, nobody can tell you where on this scale your situation actually sits. So my point in raising the concept of emotional resilience is, how do you deal with the outcome, whatever it is? And more importantly how do you deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what the outcome could be? In many cases in life we don’t get a resolution - we have to live with not knowing what the other person / people were thinking. So for those who tend to over focus on other people’s responses, how to develop some resilience there? It’s hard. What I’m suggesting is, as others have already pointed out, unless you go in head-on and demand an explanation you’re not going to get a clear resolution. My suggestion would be, the most important thing is not to let the doubts nag away at you. Don’t let it keep coming back to you as time goes on. Accept whatever explanation makes sense to you, or accept the uncertainty of not knowing, but either way, be self-aware enough to know which it is and to be kind to yourself when the doubts start flooding in again.

Best post Possibly ever on mumsnet

@Ohfgsnotagain

OP Ignore the nasty people your thread unfortunately has attracted!

I made what I thought was a new group of mum friends at my daughters primary school. I wasn’t expecting to make friends so was really pleased when it naturally evolved. There’s a class whatsapp group that all parents are invited to join. A year in I was invited to join another whatsapp group with about 8 mums who all got on well, would go to the park after school and on the occasional day out in school holidays. February half term I thought the group was quiet....it turns out there’s another sub group (4 mums) who are now meeting up but I wasn’t invited to join. I was quite hurt by this and spent a few weeks wondering what I had done to be excluded. It bothered me and that’s a friendship group of under two years so I completely understand how hurt you feel.

@Ohfgsnotagain

When 8 of you formed a break off group, there were probably people from the whole class group that felt left out / excluded

It's never nice to realise you aren't as close as you thought, but it happens to all of us from time to time

* It's never nice to realise you aren't as close as you thought, but it happens to all of us from time to time*

And as long as no one lies about it, no one has done anything wrong

OP did you find out what the situation is or if there even was a situation?

@SarahDippity

I’m reminded that I’ve often been the organiser and ‘mother hen’ of gatherings. But I went through a pretty difficult patch when OH left me and I wasn’t good company (morose, drinking too much), and I got dropped from gatherings. I’d be included in ‘girls nights’ or walks, but never to evening/couple events. It took me a while but I rallied, got sober, changed jobs, and cleaned up my act and my mood. Last summer, I was mortified to be wheeling out the bins one night in my slippers, and coming round the corner was a group of my friends (in couples) all dressed up, heading into my neighbours-but-one for a barbecue and drinks. We are all in the same friend set, but I didn’t make the cut. I pondered it for a long time, but arrived at the conclusion that people just do stuff to suit themselves, and prefer to bask in a reflection that they like. Very hurtful. It’s not abnormal to puzzle these things out. Making peace with it is on your terms.

'people prefer to bask in a, reflection that they like'. Wow! Very, very powerful description.

@dumdumduuuummmmm

OP did you find out what the situation is or if there even was a situation?

I’ve been invited to lunch today. When the topic inevitably comes up I’ll say something like “ah how was it, it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go” (true!) and see how it flows from there. I’ve not given it much headspace this week and am genuinely feeling better

Definitely, definitely don't at all appear upset.

Glad you are feeling better

I think you do need to know /ask for you own mh

Nothing to do with the thread. You don’t even have to update on here

Just so you know

Glad to hear you are feeling better OP. Hope you have a nice lunch and the answers for your own closure

Bright and breezy is the way to go

@Blondeshavemorefun

Glad you are feeling better

I think you do need to know /ask for you own mh

Nothing to do with the thread. You don’t even have to update on here

Just so you know

But they won't say.

So, an update! I didn’t actually bring it up at all as I felt it wasn’t necessary; we were having a lovely lunch and nothing felt ‘off’. It did come up organically though (I didn’t bring it up!) and it turns out my second theory was pretty much spot on

Also, over the course of the lunch, we’ve booked a ‘proper’ holiday. Thank you all for bearing with me, turns out I was just being an anxious twat

@semicharmed

So, an update! I didn’t actually bring it up at all as I felt it wasn’t necessary; we were having a lovely lunch and nothing felt ‘off’. It did come up organically though (I didn’t bring it up!) and it turns out my second theory was pretty much spot on

Also, over the course of the lunch, we’ve booked a ‘proper’ holiday. Thank you all for bearing with me, turns out I was just being an anxious twat

What was your second theory?

A and b went to see c who d was there then all went

Or something like that

Glad all sorted