Not invited on holiday

[semicharmed]

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about , we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip

But of course this is AIBU so my dog is to blame for all of it

@semicharmed

I'm really sorry this happened.

I'm not saying this to upset you further but while your scenario sounds plausible, it's still very strange that if the group chat is active, this trip wasn't mentioned, if it's just a logical catch up of a couple plus two geographically located friends.

I too might have been inclined in the past to convince myself people weren't treating me badly, and therefore accept the poor treatment.

Finally, I'm getting better at standing up for myself.

I think you need to ask them. Without preamble or justification, just a question,

You sound lovely. And you deserve good friends. 💐

Something similar, a group of 3 friends agreed to go to a particular film. (The others were to let me and partner know which day) Then I hear they have gone without us! V hurt. ( We then went on another night) So I told one of them that we had seen the film anyway, but had thought we were all going together? He said he forgot to tell us. So I had mentioned it, thus acknowledging our hurt, but not gone whiny on about it.
This week I was taking a bunch of Ukranian refugees to a different film and saw some of the original friends there. They said "Oh you didnt tell us you were coming!" I was able to explain that preoccupied with transporting Ukranian teenagers, but also "Well touche , you didnt tell us about the other film" So they said "Oops"- both bits of upset acknowledged, with no one going off deep end. But maybe OP your situation is rather different. I think finding a light hearted way to say you mind, would be best

you mentioned that perhaps only two of them planned a trip and then stopped off along the way at another who then decided to tag along in which case there would be no reason to invite you.

However if you are as close as sisters as you say you are it would’ve cropped up in conversation but the two were planning a trip to somewhere where you’ve been before.

I can see exactly why you got in a state as I am an over thinker and would have landed in the same place as you. Well done for not going nuclear on it (I suspect I would have done which is why I never have any friends because they never pass tests like this) I do think you are going to have to ask about it though, if this was me it would eat me up thinking about them doing things behind my back/having a different chat group. I would feel silly and doubt everything. But again I'm an over thinker so what do I know?

sorry this happened to you.

Well done for not doing the social media thing. As was said above

"Remember, they're there altogether! safety in numbers. So anything you say- they will justify their behaviour between themselves."

Horrid for you, OP. I love my friends like sisters too-I’m an only, so I make my family where I can.

Hopefully you will find out what happened, and it will be just one of those things.

@EarringsandLipstick thank you

Most of us have chats with each other separately so it wouldn’t be too unusual for one of us to be messaging about different things in private as well as ‘main’ stuff, also when trips have been planned before they’ve had their own chats so whoever didn’t fancy it wasn’t in it and the main chat wasn’t clogged up with ‘trip’ stuff.

Thank you for being kind and understanding of why I’ve posted here anonymously and not just gone charging in making wild accusations. If I’d said to my friends some of the things I was imagining this morning I would have looked insane. Strangers won’t be impacted but my friends would.

I do think it’s odd you made up several scenarios about how they’re against you and now you’ve made up a completely different scenario about who visited who.
I’m sure you change the scenario again.

In the nicest possible way you sound like you live in your own world and I hope you’re not like this in RL.

You would have caused yourself so much less stress (and your DP by the sounds of it) if you had just sent a text asking them.

If you didn’t want to ask outright you could have said I hope you’re having a good time and they probably would have told you the circumstances.

I’ve tried to make it make sense as I don’t want to see the worst in them without concrete proof.

You know what? You don't need concrete proof. Friendship doesn't work like that.

If you are unhappy, and they can't properly explain, and you will know if it's the truth, they are not friends.

It's not a court of law, you don't need to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Reading this reminds me of my very close school friends, who all ended up back in our home city, while I live elsewhere. Out of the 4 of us, 3 of us have had some very tough times, losses, abusive relationships etc. I was there each & every time for them, they were not for me. I arranged every meet up. I excused their lack of doing so with so many plausible reasons & was delighted when we did meet.

In the past year, I finally realised what a doormat I was. I stopped making the effort & waited to see what happened. Absolutely nothing. No contact, no reference to significant dates, no birthday text. Sporadic contact during the year. The reality - they aren't interested. And actually it felt good to realise it.

It’ll be something to do with the availability of camping plots or the couple wanting to go away last minute and thinking ‘let’s invite a couple of friends but not have to do too much organisation’. Or they’ve talked offline as a group about going to X, booked it then forgot to tell you other 3. It’s easy to overlook people and not realise how much upset it might cause. I’ve probably been guilty of being thoughtless in that way but I would also definitely feel like you do when I’m on the end of it!

@WonderfulYou

I do think it’s odd you made up several scenarios about how they’re against you and now you’ve made up a completely different scenario about who visited who. I’m sure you change the scenario again.

In the nicest possible way you sound like you live in your own world and I hope you’re not like this in RL.

You would have caused yourself so much less stress (and your DP by the sounds of it) if you had just sent a text asking them.

If you didn’t want to ask outright you could have said I hope you’re having a good time and they probably would have told you the circumstances.

Tell me you’ve never struggled with anxiety without telling me. Of course I’m not like this in real life. For the nth time, that is why I have posted here. To avoid saying any of this in the real world.

@WonderfulYou

I do think it’s odd you made up several scenarios about how they’re against you and now you’ve made up a completely different scenario about who visited who. I’m sure you change the scenario again.

In the nicest possible way you sound like you live in your own world and I hope you’re not like this in RL.

You would have caused yourself so much less stress (and your DP by the sounds of it) if you had just sent a text asking them.

If you didn’t want to ask outright you could have said I hope you’re having a good time and they probably would have told you the circumstances.

And caveating a shitty remark with ‘in the nicest possible way’ doesn’t make what you are going to say ‘nice’. I’ve explained hundreds of times why I didn’t just send a text asking them. I didn’t have the right words to ask them and whatever I sent them might have been alarming.

In the nicest possible way you sound like you live in your own world and I hope you’re not like this in RL.

JFC. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I couldn't disagree more.

I think OP sounds naturally upset, but also reflective & pragmatic.

You can have a viewpoint without being vicious.

Also, WhatsApp is a nightmare for this kind of thing because someone suggests something on a chat that’s been created for a different purpose without noticing that they’re on the wrong chat.

Everyone would be hurt by this. I'd say something, a short paragraph, and then leave the group.

You can have a mental health condition and still be a normal functioning member of society. We are all allowed bad days

Today was a bad day, but it could have been worse if I had let myself do what I wanted to do this morning.

And OP, I agree with holding on the text too. In the past, I've plunged into scenarios saying stuff emotively, which while correct, gets lost in delivery & I get dismissed as 'over-reacting', 'emotional'.

I've had a lot of counselling following an abusive marriage & have finally learnt to wait, stay calm, and be clear, unemotional & unapologetic when addressing something. It has been transformational.

@BlueOverYellow

"Wow. Didn't realise I'd been dumped. I'll just exit from the group chats so you don't have to use the one you've clearly set up behind my back to organise a camping trip without me."

They're not your friends. Friends would have at least said something, not hidden it until they were away and enjoying themselves without you.

Do people actually send messages like this? And of so, does it help?

On MN, some people do appear hasty to drop friends. IRL, I think most people continue with friendships, but with reduced expectations

Oh, poor OP, you have managed to stir up the vipers for some reason.

It's a horrible feeling to be left out and I'm not surprised you are upset.

I think that you have decided what to do and I think you just have to wait until you can have a quiet word with the closest friend and find out what happened.

These things are often caused by one bossy controlling person, so please don't think they all planned it to deliberately to exclude you, im sure that didn't happen.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately be explained by incompetence (or maybe thoughtlessness in this case)..

@semicharmed

You can have a mental health condition and still be a normal functioning member of society. We are all allowed bad days

Today was a bad day, but it could have been worse if I had let myself do what I wanted to do this morning.

I think you sound brilliant & hope this evening is better than today was 💐

I’ve explained hundreds of times why I didn’t just send a text asking them. I didn’t have the right words to ask them and whatever I sent them might have been alarming.

You couldn’t have sent a text saying something like - ‘that looks great, send X & Y my love. I hope you have a good time’

OP has there been any chat about this holiday in the 2 group chats you are in?

What about the friend you said you are close to, can you not message her privately in a ‘what have you been up to today’ kind of message which leaves her free to say she’s at X camping place or did xyz today and you are then free to carry on the conversation from there.

@EarringsandLipstick

And OP, I agree with holding on the text too. In the past, I've plunged into scenarios saying stuff emotively, which while correct, gets lost in delivery & I get dismissed as 'over-reacting', 'emotional'.

I've had a lot of counselling following an abusive marriage & have finally learnt to wait, stay calm, and be clear, unemotional & unapologetic when addressing something. It has been transformational.

Thank you again I’ve just read through the text I drafted and saved to my notes this morning and realised it would not have been a good text to send and have now deleted it.

If I hadn’t filled ‘pages and pages’ with this emotive shit as one poster has complained, I almost certainly would have put it in texts instead and potentially ruined seven friendships. I know some AIBU posters are here for their own entertainment and would have delighted in that outcome but unfortunately they forget there are real people with real feelings posting here. I don’t regret making this thread at all as I feel it stopped me doing something I wouldn’t have been able to take back.

@WonderfulYou

I’ve explained hundreds of times why I didn’t just send a text asking them. I didn’t have the right words to ask them and whatever I sent them might have been alarming.

You couldn’t have sent a text saying something like - ‘that looks great, send X & Y my love. I hope you have a good time’

Tonight I could, absolutely.

This morning? No, I couldn’t.