Not invited on holiday

[semicharmed]

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about , we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip

Was you the only 1 not invited? Ask whoever you are closest to in the group why you wasn't asked.

@WonderfulYou

I do think it’s odd you made up several scenarios about how they’re against you and now you’ve made up a completely different scenario about who visited who. I’m sure you change the scenario again.

In the nicest possible way you sound like you live in your own world and I hope you’re not like this in RL.

You would have caused yourself so much less stress (and your DP by the sounds of it) if you had just sent a text asking them.

If you didn’t want to ask outright you could have said I hope you’re having a good time and they probably would have told you the circumstances.

What a load of nonsense this is.

I am so sorry OP. It really hurts when people you thought cared about you let you down. It has happened to me, it has happened to most of us. I think it is right to ask them why they left you out, but be prepared to be hurt by whatever they say and be prepared to walk away.

Surely if the scenario you have plucked out of thin air was likely, then there would have been posts on your very active two group threads about A+B going to C's on X date when they passed on their way to Y. And D would have chimed in with "I'll be at C's on X date, we could come to Y with you".

But none of that happened, so there is definitely another thread that you and the non-holidayers aren't part of. Maybe because C, D, and one of A+B (or both) are closer friends?

Its shitty of them to purposely dump you, but if they feel they are closer friends, they may well also feel its obvious to you that they are closer, so it may not have been a conscious dumping?

@BabyDubsEverywhere

Surely if the scenario you have plucked out of thin air was likely, then there would have been posts on your very active two group threads about A+B going to C's on X date when they passed on their way to Y. And D would have chimed in with "I'll be at C's on X date, we could come to Y with you".

But none of that happened, so there is definitely another thread that you and the non-holidayers aren't part of. Maybe because C, D, and one of A+B (or both) are closer friends?

Its shitty of them to purposely dump you, but if they feel they are closer friends, they may well also feel its obvious to you that they are closer, so it may not have been a conscious dumping?

Nah as we make separate chats for trips so it doesn’t clog the main active chat. We’ve had it all in one chat before and it got confusing and people missed important stuff because of trip stuff.

@semicharmed

Because I will drive myself fucking bananas if I don’t at least try and ignore my own anxiety once in a while. I take it you’ve never struggled with anxiety and the things you can truly convince yourself? You get tunnel vision and can think of nothing else until you take a minute to ground yourself and think logically.

Well done on your self awareness and being mindful enough to reach out online, to your partner and reflect to on how your anxiety overwhelms you enough that you caught yourself and grounded yourself before your anxiety spiralled so much that you did or said something disproportionate or you hurt your own feelings too much. Well done on getting back on track.

I always find it surprising how passive many MNers are.

If I genuinely thought I was left out I would just ask.
If people aren’t brave enough to do that they can send a text about the situation but not directly asking.

Any friend who falls out with you for asking - is not really your friend.

There’s a massive difference between making a drama because you want some attention and just asking a simple question.

@semicharmed

Three of us not invited. One never comes to anything and works away but I ALWAYS ask her when I do the organising, and the other hasn’t been asked either and I think is also quite upset but is very shy and probably will never say a word about it.

Maybe all of you who weren't invited should go away together and not invite the others

@BabyDubsEverywhere

Surely if the scenario you have plucked out of thin air was likely, then there would have been posts on your very active two group threads about A+B going to C's on X date when they passed on their way to Y. And D would have chimed in with "I'll be at C's on X date, we could come to Y with you".

But none of that happened, so there is definitely another thread that you and the non-holidayers aren't part of. Maybe because C, D, and one of A+B (or both) are closer friends?

Its shitty of them to purposely dump you, but if they feel they are closer friends, they may well also feel its obvious to you that they are closer, so it may not have been a conscious dumping?

A, C and D used to live together as housemates who met by chance so they have always been ‘naturally’ close. They are also all the same age.

A+B now live together (as a couple) and I would say B is probably my best friend of all of them but A and I are also very close. B wouldn’t have gone to visit C or D alone, but either A or B would have come to visit me alone or together.

Does that make sense? I know it’s complicated!

I get it OP.

What the fuck is it with people who assume/jump to conclusions or don't read the whole thread.

Sometimes you just have to work things out in your own head.

Good luck OP, hope its all a misunderstanding as you expect.

@DFOD exactly why I posted. Thank you

Is it possible C & D are a couple too?
Whatever the case it sounds like perhaps something happened organically rather than a planned group get away. As A & B are a couple these things are more likely to arise as they will plan stuff together if that makes sense.
They’d probably be sad to know they’ve upset you.
Also who posted it to social media? If I’ve ever done something that I know may come accross this way I’ve not put anything on social media.
Hope you’re ok

@WonderfulYou

I always find it surprising how passive many MNers are.

If I genuinely thought I was left out I would just ask.
If people aren’t brave enough to do that they can send a text about the situation but not directly asking.

Any friend who falls out with you for asking - is not really your friend.

There’s a massive difference between making a drama because you want some attention and just asking a simple question.

It’s not about being passive, or not being brave, or wanting to create a drama

It’s organising your thoughts before hitting send. What I thought and felt this morning isn’t how I feel now that I’ve given myself time and space to reflect, and any message I sent this morning might have been embarrassing at best and friendship-destroying at worst.

@BlueOverYellow

"Wow. Didn't realise I'd been dumped. I'll just exit from the group chats so you don't have to use the one you've clearly set up behind my back to organise a camping trip without me."

They're not your friends. Friends would have at least said something, not hidden it until they were away and enjoying themselves without you.

^^THIS They are not your friends. I wouldn't bother trying to ask them why you weren't invited - there is no good or acceptable answer, or any good that can come out of it.

@MsTSwift

Very hurtful but you can’t say anything. Just makes it worse and you look like a whiner even less likely to be asked in future. Hard but true.

Bullshit. How can it be worse? These friendships are over unless there's a really good reason OP wasn't invited. No idea what that might be for them to exclude you. Don't let them treat you like this OP. All least of you ask why you might get to understand their motivation. Tbh I think they're crap friends to do this to you. But yeah, fuck staying quiet so as not to 'rock the boat'.

Wow, yes, complicated!

If extra threads are started for separate things and that's the norm then I can see how this could have easily started as a quick 'we're passing, could stay' to a 'lets come with you' thing. Makes sense. I hope its taken the sting out of it for you.

@Bentley123

Is it possible C & D are a couple too? Whatever the case it sounds like perhaps something happened organically rather than a planned group get away. As A & B are a couple these things are more likely to arise as they will plan stuff together if that makes sense. They’d probably be sad to know they’ve upset you. Also who posted it to social media? If I’ve ever done something that I know may come accross this way I’ve not put anything on social media. Hope you’re ok

Not a chance in hell of C+D become a couple

I think it’s happened organically too, now that I have had time to calm down. A+B are always off all over the place!

I hope it’s how you think it may have happened. Good luck.

I think most people would have felt like you do - anxiety or no anxiety.

@BabyDubsEverywhere

Wow, yes, complicated!

If extra threads are started for separate things and that's the norm then I can see how this could have easily started as a quick 'we're passing, could stay' to a 'lets come with you' thing. Makes sense. I hope its taken the sting out of it for you.

That’s what rational me thinks, and what my ever practical DP agrees is likely the case. Sad and angry me this morning would never have thought so!

I feel like some posters here don’t know how it is to live with an anxiety disorder. Your brain can go into full panic-mode in seconds, convincing you that you’re a pariah and everyone you ever cared about has secretly hated and mocked you this entire time, without your knowledge.. And then once you give yourself some breathing space and talk it over with someone more rational, the pieces all fit together and you feel far more reasonable and open-minded about it.

Please bear in mind that anxiety is an unhealthy manifestion of your body’s natural threat response system. You wouldn’t be able to rationalise a tiger’s intentions while you’re sprinting for your life from it, just as you’re not able to fully rationalise a stressful modern-day social situation when your brain is hammering incessantly on the PANIC button.

Mental disorders are illogical, and inconsistent, and unstable. That’s what makes them so hellish to live with. You have my every sympathy OP, hope all goes well for you 💕

(And yes, therapy and grounding techniques help with this, but it doesn’t completely eradicate the issue. We all have bad days!)

@WheresTheLambSauce

I feel like some posters here don’t know how it is to live with an anxiety disorder. Your brain can go into full panic-mode in seconds, convincing you that you’re a pariah and everyone you ever cared about has secretly hated and mocked you this entire time, without your knowledge.. And then once you give yourself some breathing space and talk it over with someone more rational, the pieces all fit together and you feel far more reasonable and open-minded about it.

Please bear in mind that anxiety is an unhealthy manifestion of your body’s natural threat response system. You wouldn’t be able to rationalise a tiger’s intentions while you’re sprinting for your life from it, just as you’re not able to fully rationalise a stressful modern-day social situation when your brain is hammering incessantly on the PANIC button.

Mental disorders are illogical, and inconsistent, and unstable. That’s what makes them so hellish to live with. You have my every sympathy OP, hope all goes well for you 💕

(And yes, therapy and grounding techniques help with this, but it doesn’t completely eradicate the issue. We all have bad days!)

Thank you so very much for explaining it better than I ever could! I’m going to screenshot and save your post for future use

OP you posted this at the beginning of your thread.

They went on the train

How do you know this? Surely this would make your scenario very unlikely?

I think your reaction is very normal, OP. Most people would be very hurt.
I don't think you should keep it bottled up and stew on it, feeling bad about yourself. I think, in your place, I would just outright ask 'why was I left out?' and then work at moving on, focusing on your true friends.

@OnthePiste

OP you posted this at the beginning of your thread.

They went on the train

How do you know this? Surely this would make your scenario very unlikely?

Because A+B posted a video from a train window on social media on their way to C’s house. They may have then got to their final destination in C’s car, I don’t know the rest 🤷🏼‍♀️

A lot of twunts on this thread sorry op. I am exactly like you and would be so hurt by this and also suffer with terrible fear of rejection and abandonment. I am so sorry that a bunch of old mumsnet bags have chosen to kick you while you’re down. People can be right bitches eh? Your DP’s theory sounds really reasonable! I bet it’s that 🌸