Not invited on holiday

[semicharmed]

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about , we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip

I don’t really want to put exact locations as it really is a bit outing but where A+B (and me) live is 3 hours from C, and it’s a further 3 hours from C to where they’ve gone. Breaks the journey up a bit as it’s a loooong way otherwise and neither A nor B drive a vehicle that would be very nice to travel in for six hours.

Maybe as A, C & D are old friends and used to live together they fancied doing something together and B came too as she’s in a relationship with A?

Or perhaps it all just happened spontaneously and no-one considered their casual plans would cause upset with anyone else. In a larger group it may only be natural that last minute plans are made between sub-groups and aren’t run past everyone else as things may get more complicated than they need to be if people then want to take that trip but can’t go that weekend or don’t want to go there but do want to go away somewhere?

If they really wanted to deliberately exclude you then I’m sure they wouldn’t have put anything on social media as they’d know it would make things awkward next time they saw you. I hope you have a good evening and can put it out of your mind for the time being.

@semicharmed

In this scenario do the friends that aren't a couple often randomly carryy around tents and sleeping bags in each others cars...just in case they go camping together?? 🤔

I think you have written The message OP.

“I don’t want to ask why I wasn’t invited is because hearing why I wasn’t wanted or why I’m not good enough for the people I love like sisters will break my heart.”

I would send that to one of your close friends in the group.

@semicharmed

I do have a particularly close friend within the group who knows I have always struggled with feelings of abandonment and anxiety so I will probably speak to her at some point and just ask her honestly why I was excluded. I don’t think my reaction is necessarily normal as I don’t think most people would be this hurt or upset but it’s knocked my self esteem for six and I feel truly horrible about myself which is something I’ve managed to keep under control for years

OP I think your reaction is completely normal. I'd feel exactly the same. Hurt, excluded and tearful

[quote Saythatagainslowly]@semicharmed

In this scenario do the friends that aren't a couple often randomly carryy around tents and sleeping bags in each others cars...just in case they go camping together?? 🤔[/quote]
Well no, but as they stayed at C’s house, it’s not unfathomable that she has camping equipment.

Just curious, what do you hope to achieve by trying to make me go back to thinking crazy shit again?

@Sodullincomparison

I think you have written The message OP.

“I don’t want to ask why I wasn’t invited is because hearing why I wasn’t wanted or why I’m not good enough for the people I love like sisters will break my heart.”

I would send that to one of your close friends in the group.

Dear God no! Not that I think OP is going to.

This would make her sound so vulnerable.

Also it's laden with emotion & would be laying on thick in terms of guilt.

Nobody should text a message like this speaking as someone who may have done this sort of thing in the past 🤫

@worriedatthistime

I always wonder why if someone has been excluded people then post it all over social media - just why Or have the guts to tell them before hand

Agree. I had a friend do this to me once. She then came running back a year later asking me to reconcile, I told her fine but just so she knows it would never be the same.

Utterly shameless. Poor you. Dump the lot of them. Walk away with your head held high. If any of them try and reach out and enquire why you've gone quiet, remind them of their appalling behaviour.

Wherethelambsauce nailed it, and I have also screen shotted!

Op, you sound lovely, and good on you for defending yourself amongst the meanies!
I’m glad you have held off a message. Sometimes people are thoughtless dicks, that’s all

You sound like an amazing person. Really. I would want my friend to be a bit sensitive and someone who would be hurt feeling left out because it shows how aware you most likely are not to leave someone out. Most of us have at some point dreaded being left out or felt left so you are just being a genuine person. I think you should speak your truth if asked and I’m an unblaming way. I was hurt when I saw you all having a holiday together. That’s it. That’s your truth and that makes you just lovely.

Op I really don’t think that’s what anyone is trying to do
Sorry but you have done a complete 180 in this thread. Your explanation seems really really unlikely. Also you’re being weirdly defensive and acting like people are being horrible when they aren’t.
Really surprised that your now totally ok with this based on your theory. I hope you’re right, but honestly I don’t think you are. I think they’ve just wanted to go away on their own 🤷🏼‍♀️ sorry.

You’re still overthinking it - first in a negative direction and now seeking a positive explanation. The answer is - nobody knows. Also, you’re being very aggressive and fighty with people who are saying stuff you don’t like. I’ve not seen anyone saying anything that’s out of order.

I’m glad that you’ve found a way of rationalising it which helps you feel calmer. At the same time I’d caution that in fact you just don’t know what’s gone on here. What matters most is developing your emotional resilience so that, whatever the facts as they emerge in the end, you don’t end up struggling with this.

OP Ignore the nasty people your thread unfortunately has attracted!

I made what I thought was a new group of mum friends at my daughters primary school. I wasn’t expecting to make friends so was really pleased when it naturally evolved. There’s a class whatsapp group that all parents are invited to join. A year in I was invited to join another whatsapp group with about 8 mums who all got on well, would go to the park after school and on the occasional day out in school holidays. February half term I thought the group was quiet....it turns out there’s another sub group (4 mums) who are now meeting up but I wasn’t invited to join. I was quite hurt by this and spent a few weeks wondering what I had done to be excluded. It bothered me and that’s a friendship group of under two years so I completely understand how hurt you feel.

Now that you have gained perspective about what has likely happened (although hugely hurtful to be left out of a planned event you would usually have been invited to, no idea how anyone could disagree), maybe you could put a breezy " Looks fab, have a great trip and be sure to invite DDog and me next time, we could do with the exercise" or some such thing on the FB post.

@Springhassprung86

Op I really don’t think that’s what anyone is trying to do Sorry but you have done a complete 180 in this thread. Your explanation seems really really unlikely. Also you’re being weirdly defensive and acting like people are being horrible when they aren’t. Really surprised that your now totally ok with this based on your theory. I hope you’re right, but honestly I don’t think you are. I think they’ve just wanted to go away on their own 🤷🏼‍♀️ sorry.

Seems unlikely if you don’t understand the dynamics and geography, but there’s only so much I can explain without saying who we are and where we live. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wonder if it's been a fairly last minute arrangement and it was decided not to open it up to the group. Not nice but not personal. I'd mention it to A or B in passing just say your surprised it wasn't mentioned on the group.

How hurtful.

I'd keep a dignified silence but would also quietly withdraw from the friendship group. Saying something is just going to be awkward for all and the 'friends' will likely lie to spare your feelings.

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

You’re still overthinking it - first in a negative direction and now seeking a positive explanation. The answer is - nobody knows. Also, you’re being very aggressive and fighty with people who are saying stuff you don’t like. I’ve not seen anyone saying anything that’s out of order.

I’m glad that you’ve found a way of rationalising it which helps you feel calmer. At the same time I’d caution that in fact you just don’t know what’s gone on here. What matters most is developing your emotional resilience so that, whatever the facts as they emerge in the end, you don’t end up struggling with this.

I haven’t been at all fighty or aggressive. Not once. I’ve defended myself against ignorant people who don’t understand anxiety, sure, but I haven’t been aggressive at all.

You really are being fights and aggressive.
And I do understand the dynamics, I just think they didn’t want you there for whatever reason.

@Springhassprung86

You really are being fights and aggressive. And I do understand the dynamics, I just think they didn’t want you there for whatever reason.

Nice. Really nice.

I mean, just why would you type this?

@Springhassprung86

You really are being fights and aggressive. And I do understand the dynamics, I just think they didn’t want you there for whatever reason.

Where have I been fighty or aggressive? Please tell me as it’s not been my intention at all.

You’re coming across quite goady and almost like you want me to go back to believing my friends hate me, which is just cruel tbh.

OP I'd have felt the same as you when I found out and I think you've done the right thing given your anxiety in not sending any messages or anything immediately whilst feeling overwhelmed emotionally. It sounds like you've talked yourself down and are feeling better about it all now. :)

If it was as you think and they weren't deliberately excluding you then it won't be a secret (and with social media posting it doesn't seem like they are trying to keep it from anyone) and will likely get mentioned after the trip if you ask how everyone's week has been or something like that on the chat.

@Heythere13 that was an incredibly unkind mean-girl thing to say.

@SuzyQ12

OP I'd have felt the same as you when I found out and I think you've done the right thing given your anxiety in not sending any messages or anything immediately whilst feeling overwhelmed emotionally. It sounds like you've talked yourself down and are feeling better about it all now. :)

If it was as you think and they weren't deliberately excluding you then it won't be a secret (and with social media posting it doesn't seem like they are trying to keep it from anyone) and will likely get mentioned after the trip if you ask how everyone's week has been or something like that on the chat.

Thanks, I’m trying to!

Tricky when there are people posting here deliberately trying to tap into my anxiety for what I can only assume is their own entertainment or gratification but such are the perils of AIBU and it’s the same names that come up on every post just to get a dig in at people who might be feeling a bit fragile.