Not invited on holiday

[semicharmed]

Namechanged as embarrassed and don’t want any IRL people to read this

I have a group of friends I’ve known for years, we’re all very close (supposedly) and all do similar jobs (met during training), we usually try to go away somewhere once a year.

I went onto social media over the weekend and saw them away having a lovely time on a break I wasn’t invited on and never heard about , we have two separate group chats on two separate apps so there must be another group I’m not part of for this to have been organised without my knowledge, and to have it rubbed in my face on social media is pretty hurtful.

Would you confront? Or just say nothing and distance yourself? I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been excluded but I don’t want to say anything....in case I ruin their trip

@Heythere13

* I can’t imagine ever doing something so hurtful to a friend. I’ve been in tears over it wondering why I’ve been exclude*

But three hours later you’ve concluded that all fine

You are a very unkind person @Heythere13.

@semicharmed

I do have a particularly close friend within the group who knows I have always struggled with feelings of abandonment and anxiety so I will probably speak to her at some point and just ask her honestly why I was excluded. I don’t think my reaction is necessarily normal as I don’t think most people would be this hurt or upset but it’s knocked my self esteem for six and I feel truly horrible about myself which is something I’ve managed to keep under control for years

Actually I think most people would be hurt and upset by this OP.

And I do think you should ask your friend.

Then you need to either accept it happened and stay with the group or but out. That's your choice, but if you stay you do need to let them know how upset you felt being left out.

Good luck xxx

@Heythere13

I suspect it won’t “ruin their trip”, nor will they “be embarrassed”

If anything like the indignant message we received from someone on my friend’s hen do… they will be baffled that the messanger thought they would be invited given not regarded at all as close friend. Then they will move on without another thought.

Very unkind. School bully vibes.

I think this thread shows the best and worst in MN. I think @semicharmed has taken the best advice, and handled the less helpful with grace and consideration. Hope it all works out.

I hope your explanation is what has happened. I still don't see how D going fits in with that scenario though. Maybe I'm just getting old, but I can't imagine tagging along on a camping trip on a whim, for me it takes planning and lots of co-ordination with friends about who is free what weekend and other logistics. Could it be something like they know you are not a camping fan as in you'd prefer a cottage break so knew it wasn't your thing?

I agree with PPs though the fact is is 4/7 rather than 6/7 of the group there changes things a bit and does make it seem more likely that it's a purposeful splinter ground, and the fact you weren't included might be for reasons you haven't thought of and is not malicious on their part. Anyway hope you can put it out of your mind until you get a chance to actually ask one of them.

@semicharmed thank you for being so open about your negative thought processes. Reading this has made me realise I do this to myself all the time too.

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

You’re still overthinking it - first in a negative direction and now seeking a positive explanation. The answer is - nobody knows. Also, you’re being very aggressive and fighty with people who are saying stuff you don’t like. I’ve not seen anyone saying anything that’s out of order.

I’m glad that you’ve found a way of rationalising it which helps you feel calmer. At the same time I’d caution that in fact you just don’t know what’s gone on here. What matters most is developing your emotional resilience so that, whatever the facts as they emerge in the end, you don’t end up struggling with this.

I think the OP has responded quite mildly given the insistent fantastical crap and unasked for critique of her mental health and approach to friendships that some posters have levelled at her here.

'Hope you guys have fun - would have loved to have come with 😂'

Then it can go either way but they have to explain one way or another and if they think you're being arsey you can brush it off with 'No it's no big deal, we're all busy people but would I'm just dying for some sun lol'

P.s OP I suffer from anxiety (on meds to control it) and I think you have described how it impacts on one’s perspective very well indeed. I’ve understood you throughout. Some people have been incredibly arrogant and condescending to you on this thread.

And OP tbh I'd also have been in tears. And I definitely always think people secretly hate me and have abandonment issues too. It's horrible. Am currently in a weird place with my closest friends because of various reasons and it's made me feel v insecure and afraid of being cut out.

I've been hurt when I've seen my friends all doing stuff together without me before. It's horrid and makes you feel small and unwanted.

Hi OP, you are getting quite a hard time on here. Not sure why as you sound lovely and thoughtful. Thoughtful enough to not rashly message your friends and potentially destroy your friendship with all of them.

After all the extra posts I'll conclude that this trip wasnt about excluding you, or hurting you, or any of your friends hating you and its important to remember friendship dynamics change over time and maybe a+b wanted to spend time with c+d and that is okay and it doesnt have to be related to feelings of hatred of you.

“I don’t want to ask why I wasn’t invited is because hearing why I wasn’t wanted or why I’m not good enough for the people I love like sisters will break my heart.”

You've said you have abandoment and rejection issues and seeking help for that should be your main focus. Starting off by confiding in your two closest friends about your anxiety and how you feel about being left out/your fear of rejection. You say you never mentiom your anxiety but isnt that what real friends are for? To listen and accept as we are? Maybe start a thread in the mental health section, people are more sensible there than in aibu.

I'm so cross at the people goading you into sending a message/signal so you can "feed the thread" with an escalation. I guarantee they're the people who post "well, I would send this" and then go into some quasi formal/massively over-wordy bollocks designed to wind the other party up and provide further entertainment.

So good on ya for ignoring all of that.

I've form for overthinking things, and my sister gave me some sage advice for times when I'm in full 'Washing machine head' mode: sometimes, it's as simple as it seems.

To mean, sometimes, people aren't thinking about you but themselves, and that doesn't mean they hate you, they're just doing their thing.

@lemongreentea

Hi OP, you are getting quite a hard time on here. Not sure why as you sound lovely and thoughtful. Thoughtful enough to not rashly message your friends and potentially destroy your friendship with all of them.

After all the extra posts I'll conclude that this trip wasnt about excluding you, or hurting you, or any of your friends hating you and its important to remember friendship dynamics change over time and maybe a+b wanted to spend time with c+d and that is okay and it doesnt have to be related to feelings of hatred of you.

“I don’t want to ask why I wasn’t invited is because hearing why I wasn’t wanted or why I’m not good enough for the people I love like sisters will break my heart.”

You've said you have abandoment and rejection issues and seeking help for that should be your main focus. Starting off by confiding in your two closest friends about your anxiety and how you feel about being left out/your fear of rejection. You say you never mentiom your anxiety but isnt that what real friends are for? To listen and accept as we are? Maybe start a thread in the mental health section, people are more sensible there than in aibu.

I might ask for this to be moved to MH! Thank you for the suggestion

Ignore all the goady posts OP like you have been.

You have amazing insight into your condition and that I think is the first step to finding some balance and peace

@semicharmed
I would and have reacted exactly the same as you.

I lost my entire uni group of friends and only found out after I got excluded from a holiday trip and still to this day have no idea what I did/why. It completely destroyed my confidence and exacerbated my anxiety. I never asked why as I was heartbroken and didn't want them to know.

I have struggled with being in friendship groups as a result for the past 20 years, and tend to stick with people 121 since then.

I KNOW it is irrational but that doesn't stop that annoying voice in my brain which doesn't stop berating me and I don't know how to turn it off.

I hope you build up courage to ask why, I wish I had.

Years ago I was part of a group and we regularly went out together.one day I went out with another friend (from a different setting and so they didn’t know her at all) and we happened to meet all the group out together. We acknowledged each other but it was never the same after.

Some posters on here are complete and utter knobheads. Absolutely ridiculous comments about OP’s thoughts not being normal. Wow as if they have never ever made up scenarios in their head. They must go about their day with absolutely no thoughts whatsoever. Because I bet it would be irrational to overthink anything. Fuckin URGH!!!!

We're just moving this to mental health at the OP's request

I would feel the same as you @semicharmed, it's like you've been punched in the stomach by the people you trust the most
Unless you have anxiety it's very difficult to explain to people how things like this can really throw you
Don't rise to some of the posters on here, you do what you need to do in your own time

I've been medicated for over 20 years for depression and anxiety. Can't be bothered listing my various therapies.

Basically all you have done here is wind yourself up and come to a conclusion that suits you.

The only way you can stop being anxious, is to know the truth and know that you can control how you feel about that truth.

If it is the conclusion you have drawn, then your friends may think it a little odd that you haven't liked or said have a good time on their post.
Basically get the truth, and then deal with it.

A, C and D used to live together as housemates who met by chance so they have always been ‘naturally’ close. They are also all the same age.

I'd say this is the most likely explanation. It's an old housemates trip, and B has gone along as A's partner. Nobody has thought to invite to you (or members 6 and 7 of your group) as you aren't in this particular group, or linked by a relationship.

Long time ago now but I once walked into a restaurant at lunch time to see all of my female colleagues at a table. As it happened I was meeting a friend that day for lunch, but they would not have known that. I was relatively new and thought I was on good terms with them, but apparently not on good enough terms to be asked to lunch.
I would like to think that they were embarrassed.

So let’s talk a bit more about emotional resilience. There’s a scale of possibilities here, from the worst (which is where you were when you started this thread) to the best (which is where you're heading to with this new scenario). As I said before, nobody can tell you where on this scale your situation actually sits. So my point in raising the concept of emotional resilience is, how do you deal with the outcome, whatever it is? And more importantly how do you deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what the outcome could be? In many cases in life we don’t get a resolution - we have to live with not knowing what the other person / people were thinking. So for those who tend to over focus on other people’s responses, how to develop some resilience there? It’s hard. What I’m suggesting is, as others have already pointed out, unless you go in head-on and demand an explanation you’re not going to get a clear resolution. My suggestion would be, the most important thing is not to let the doubts nag away at you. Don’t let it keep coming back to you as time goes on. Accept whatever explanation makes sense to you, or accept the uncertainty of not knowing, but either way, be self-aware enough to know which it is and to be kind to yourself when the doubts start flooding in again.

OP some posters have so obviously never suffered from anxiety/panic disorder and it shows . I hope you manage to calm your anxiety and get some rest tonight.

@onemouseplace

A, C and D used to live together as housemates who met by chance so they have always been ‘naturally’ close. They are also all the same age.

I'd say this is the most likely explanation. It's an old housemates trip, and B has gone along as A's partner. Nobody has thought to invite to you (or members 6 and 7 of your group) as you aren't in this particular group, or linked by a relationship.

I think this is most likely. I was going to ask if the holiday four went way back at all…keeping it to ‘the originals’ except for A’s partner because they come as a couple. That’ll be it. Bet you.