I don't know what to do. I don't love my child.

[MarylinMonrue]

NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore.

I was never sure if I wanted children, but even though I didn't know how I'd feel, when it happened (accident) I didn't fight it. Everyone around me was so happy for me when I got pregnant and kept saying things like 'You'll fall in love as soon as you see them' and so on, how it was the most overwhelming feeling in the world - and that everyone had doubts but hormones took care of that when they got here. And it didn't. I know I'm supposed to feel like my son is the most important thing on earth to me and I don't. I miss my old life, I miss having choices. Why are women's lives supposed to stop when this happens? I resent it so much. Sometimes I wish I could leave him somewhere warm and safe where he'd be looked after and never see him again. My DP is neither a great nor a bad father, hands-on enough and seems proud of his son, but he's definitely noticed something wrong because he keeps asking me why I don't want to spend time with our baby, and I don't know how to say I wish I'd not had him.

I'm not sad or crying all the time so I guess I don't have PND? There is just a hole inside me where I'm supposed to care about my own child. What's wrong with me, did anyone else have this? Could it be PND? Please be gentle, I never thought I was a bad person before this.

How old is the baby?

This very much sounds like PND. You don’t have to be crying, it takes lots of forms.
Tell your MW/HV/GP today. They won’t judge and they will help you.
Please tell someone. It’s very common, you are not a bad person.

I don't have experience of PND but my experience of the baby years is that they can be quite hard work and quite a shock to the system. Now my DD is 4 I love her so much as an individual but as a baby she was very hard work.

How old is he? Why did you have him to start with - is it possible for you to tap into those thoughts, the reasons you decided to continue with the pregnancy, and put them on your current situation?

It could be PND, and it's absolutely worth speaking to your HV, but in some sad cases women do simply discover too late that they didn't want to be mothers. There was a thread on it a few months back. I would really recommend finding a therapist or counsellor to help you process these feelings, ASAP.

Well it could be PND. Can you speak to your health visitor?

You’re not a bad person. How old is the baby?

I had PND after my first and I felt a lot like you did. I got help and got better x

It sounds very very very likely that you have PND. You must (and I can't stress this enough) be kind to yourself, because it isn't your fault you're feeling this way.

How old is your baby? I felt like this for a few weeks after my baby was born, then all of a sudden it was like a light switch went off in my head and everything was different. 7 months later we were actively trying to conceive another baby.

I urge you to contact your GP as a matter of urgency because you do not need to be feeling like this. There's things that can be done to help you, but until you reach out and ask for it, you'll continue to suffer alone. You've taken the first step by talking about it on here, hopefully someone with more experience will come along and offer first hand advice, but in the meantime, get some help. Wishing you good luck

You've been fed a load of bollocks, @MarylinMonrue - it's quite common not to feel a rush of unconditional love for a baby, and sometimes hormones make things worse rather than better!

Don't panic. I have a very honest group of friends and we often talk about the expectation vs. reality of having babies. It can take months to truly feel love for a baby; up to that point it's often a sense of duty and conscious choice. And PND isn't just about feeling sad or crying all the time (although it can be those things) - it can take other forms too, and actually, exactly what you're describing.

It could still be PND without any tears.

However, it could also be that you're just someone who doesn't relish these early days. I have a close friend who has been open about the fact she only really started feeling happy and true affection for her baby once he was a few months old and she started getting something back from him in terms of reactions, engagement etc.

Newborn days and nights are a hard slog and some people just don't enjoy it at all and come into their own as parents as their children grow older.

How old is your baby?

This sounds like pretty textbook PND to me. It isn’t always feeling sad or depressed - it can be total emotional disconnect.

I don’t think you are a bad person. I think you’re a person who might need some help. I think you should speak to your health visitor. You won’t be the first or last woman who doesn’t instantly bond with their baby - that much is certain.

I hope you’re ok and that you find a way forward

OP as already said this very much could be PND. Please talk with your HV and GP asap. Of course you are not a bad person just a Mum who needs some help. Don't beat yourself up about this it's much more common than you think.

Could well be PND. Go see a professional.

Baby years are hard and we all (I reckon) have these thoughts from time to time as the sleep deprivation is just so tough plus the relentlessness of it all. But I’m sure it will get better, you might just need some help. You’re not a bad person, be kind to yourself x

It sounds like it could be PND.

I didn't love DS either and didn't feel that rush of love everyone talks about. I don't think I loved him until he was at least 1. I cared about him deeply but didn't feel love.

I felt resentful and missed my old life. He's now 2 and I couldn't be more in love with him. I had PND and I'm on antidepressants. You will fall in love with your child, it may just take some time. Definitely seek some help.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

Hi op
I started a thread not so long ago voicing exactly the same issues......

I don't have any words of advice, and I still don't feel "love" for my son, but he's cared for and shown love as I could never let him know how I really feel

I've been let down by gp's and midwives massively so just keep struggling on, I hope you get more help and support.

Take care x

It took me months to bond with DD, there were times I actively hated her. It didn't last, eventually her reaching out for me made me want to hold her instead of wanting to run away. But you should speak to someone, you need support through this bit. One day you'll look back and wonder how you could ever not love them, but go easy on yourself right now.

You are not a bad person. I didn’t feel a surge of love for any of my kids- it’s pretty hard to love something that has caused you so much pain entering the world; keeps you up all night and never gives you a moments peace.

I do think you could be suffering with PND, everyone’s symptoms can present differently. It is worth calling your GP or HV; the sooner the better.

Please don’t feel like you are a bad mum for feeling this way.

I really wanted my first born, but when she was born, I didn’t get that “rush”

I didn’t feel anything for her except slight resentment because of how much pain I was in.

As the months went by, I fell in love with her and that’s how my bond grew with her.

With my second born, I got that rush, and I felt so guilty for not having it with dd

I'd put money on it being PND.

I didn't get the rush of love either. It was far more a slow burn, and DD was about 6 months old before I realised how much I loved her.

Get thee to your GP, you need help with this.

I didn’t love my babies at the beginning. Just went through the motions of looking after them. I didn’t actually have PND - I just didn’t get the wave of love bollocks that women get sold. I started to love them when they became little people although now that they are teenagers I love them a bit less again

OP you need to talk to someone about this but I can tell you this is very very normal. Having a baby is a huge shock and trauma and if you don’t get the love immediately it can all feel like a huge mistake. It isn’t but it feels like that. Please don’t put these expectations on yourself and don’t look at the insta mummies - that’s all crap too.

It can take months to truly feel love for a baby; up to that point it's often a sense of duty and conscious choice.

Seconding this; I wish I'd been told this when mine was tiny. The rush of love just didn't happen, with hindsight I was shellshocked for months and so struggled to bond. Which wasn't great for the baby, so I took the duty&choice route and love grew over time.

You're not a bad person, OP, and this is really common.

It took me around 17 months to feel that I loved DS1. I did have PND and it completely blighted the first year and a half of his life. I didn’t always cry either.

@Soubriquet

I really wanted my first born, but when she was born, I didn’t get that “rush”

I didn’t feel anything for her except slight resentment because of how much pain I was in.

As the months went by, I fell in love with her and that’s how my bond grew with her.

With my second born, I got that rush, and I felt so guilty for not having it with dd

I got that rush with my first, so felt so guilty and like an awful mum when it didn't happen with my second. They are 6 and 8 now though, and I love them equally.

It very well could be PND but it's possible to wonder what the hell you have done and have PND at the same time, if that makes sense.

It is hard, and lonely, at first. Take all the help and company you can get.

He's 14 months. The HV said most women looking after a very young one in lockdown for a lot of the year felt the same kind of frustration and not to worry too much, but it's not frustration. I want to leave him with DP and walk out and never see either of them again. I'm feeling increasing hatred for DP for the immense crime of getting me pregnant. I should have terminated because I feel this is more a case of just being unsuited for motherhood than just needing to give it time.

Sounds like a touch of PND to me. Plus also, it's rubbish that there is an instant bond - it often takes time. And young babies can be boring, even if you are especially excited by the whole motherhood experience it can be quite monotonous.

If how you feel doesnt change, don't feel guilty. Give it 6 to 9 months, then pop baby in full time nursery and head back to work full time. Babies become a lot more interesting as they get older, and you can interact with them more, and you might simply be happier when you have some of your pre-baby freedom back. It's nothing to feel guilty about. I know a lot of career women who got a fantastic nanny and were back at work after 3 months or so, perfectly happy and no one even blinked. Good mums come in all shapes and sizes.

I do think (and have always thought) we should be careful about leaping to “it’s probably PND” and “see your GP”. Some people just aren’t very affectionate, or, with all the work involved in having a baby, anything other than an exhausted resentment takes time. Others don’t necessarily like small babies but they love toddlers or older kids, and for them it takes that sort of “fun” to build the love.