I don't know what to do. I don't love my child.

[MarylinMonrue]

NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore.

I was never sure if I wanted children, but even though I didn't know how I'd feel, when it happened (accident) I didn't fight it. Everyone around me was so happy for me when I got pregnant and kept saying things like 'You'll fall in love as soon as you see them' and so on, how it was the most overwhelming feeling in the world - and that everyone had doubts but hormones took care of that when they got here. And it didn't. I know I'm supposed to feel like my son is the most important thing on earth to me and I don't. I miss my old life, I miss having choices. Why are women's lives supposed to stop when this happens? I resent it so much. Sometimes I wish I could leave him somewhere warm and safe where he'd be looked after and never see him again. My DP is neither a great nor a bad father, hands-on enough and seems proud of his son, but he's definitely noticed something wrong because he keeps asking me why I don't want to spend time with our baby, and I don't know how to say I wish I'd not had him.

I'm not sad or crying all the time so I guess I don't have PND? There is just a hole inside me where I'm supposed to care about my own child. What's wrong with me, did anyone else have this? Could it be PND? Please be gentle, I never thought I was a bad person before this.

Honestly, I think the people who talk that guff about falling in love as soon as they see their baby are just playing into that narrative, because they were told it by someone else, and so on. They don't want to seem like they don't fit in. Either that, or they were on a lot of good drugs.

Giving birth is strange, often scary. When mine came I couldn't even hold her, I didn't feel I knew how. She was this little screaming alien and I was just bewildered, relieved, terrified, in awe, anxious... But I definitely didn't get that 'rush of love' until later. Go at your own pace, just focus on you and on your baby. Don't listen to others.

I want to leave him with DP and walk out and never see either of them again. I'm feeling increasing hatred for DP for the immense crime of getting me pregnant. I should have terminated because I feel this is more a case of just being unsuited for motherhood than just needing to give it time.

I think you might want to speak to a counsellor, having said it’s not necessarily PND. It might not be. You might genuinely feel as above. And you need to work through what to do, bearing in mind that you did choose this and your son is very young.

Are you working? Even if you aren't I strongly recommend some childcare, paid or family. I transformed back into myself when I went back to work part time.

I didn’t cry once with PND, I just felt incredibly numb and almost devoid of any emotion towards my child. My emotions about being a mother were mainly negative but I just felt no connection to my child.

Please speak to your GP about how you’re feeling, the love will surely come when you’re getting the right support. It took an incredible amount of time before I could genuinely feel love for my child but looking back, it was the PND that was blocking it xxx

@RedPandaFluff

You've been fed a load of bollocks, *@MarylinMonrue* - it's quite common not to feel a rush of unconditional love for a baby, and sometimes hormones make things worse rather than better!

Don't panic. I have a very honest group of friends and we often talk about the expectation vs. reality of having babies. It can take months to truly feel love for a baby; up to that point it's often a sense of duty and conscious choice. And PND isn't just about feeling sad or crying all the time (although it can be those things) - it can take other forms too, and actually, exactly what you're describing.

^^this. Please seek professional help, you sound terribly depressed.

Can people stop telling OP she has PND? She needs a professional for that, not armchair drs on here.

What people don't want to say, but is totally true, is that not all women love their children (or all men). It's not for everyone, and its hard to know until you've done it and then its too late. Some women just don't feel it, don't enjoy it, don't want to do it.

OP, I would see your GP and a counsellor to see if you can work through this. At the end of the day though, if you really do want to leave your son with his father and leave both of them...you can do. The choice is yours.

you said you want your old life back? are you back to work? does the baby go to nursery?

It took me a bit of time to 'mourn' my old life before babies, and I also found the first 2 years very hard. But it does get so much better when the baby is big enough to talk & interact with you, and your old life does come back (work + friends + travel etc), just in a different form.

can you make sure you have a bit of time for yourself to do things you enjoy, and then you may find you are glad to see the baby again when you get back.

Op everyone else is gibbing advice
I just wanted to wish you good and day I hope this passes for you

OP I just hunted out something I wrote when my DD was a baby, "I want to get her away from me. I want nothing to do with her."

You aren't a bad person, you are struggling. And it's totally understandable. As a PP said, for some of us the baby stage is particularly frustrating, you may find you'll thrive once the chatty toddler phase starts. No matter whether it's PND or just not being a baby person though, it will get better. In the meantime you need support, understanding and to cut yourself some slack.

@cantkeepgoing I'm sorry you're going through this too

You need to see the dr & tell them how you’re feeling.

@MarylinMonrue

He's 14 months. The HV said most women looking after a very young one in lockdown for a lot of the year felt the same kind of frustration and not to worry too much, but it's not frustration. I want to leave him with DP and walk out and never see either of them again. I'm feeling increasing hatred for DP for the immense crime of getting me pregnant. I should have terminated because I feel this is more a case of just being unsuited for motherhood than just needing to give it time.

I don't know if this comment will make you feel any better but you could walk out and leave your son with his dad, if you were sure you wanted to. It's not that I think you should unless you've exhausted every other option, but you could. You do have choices and maybe knowing that that is a choice, might help you in weighing everything up.

@andtheHossyourodeinon

Can people stop telling OP she has PND? She needs a professional for that, not armchair drs on here.

What people don't want to say, but is totally true, is that not all women love their children (or all men). It's not for everyone, and its hard to know until you've done it and then its too late. Some women just don't feel it, don't enjoy it, don't want to do it.

OP, I would see your GP and a counsellor to see if you can work through this. At the end of the day though, if you really do want to leave your son with his father and leave both of them...you can do. The choice is yours.

Absolutely this.

I didn’t get a rush of love for my son. I was relieved that the horror of giving birth was over. At that point I Would have been Happier with a puppy. I remember he was 7 months old before I felt anything. I fed him, changed him cuddle him etc but no real feelings. He rolled over in the bed one day and smiled at me and I thought actually you’re quite cute.

Looking back I guess it was PND after a traumatic birth. My second two were born by ELCS due to problems first time around. Again no rush of love but I bonded with them much quicker xx

People who tells pregnant women that they will fall in love do women a huge disservice. Please speak to your HV or GP to at least cover that base, but you are not the first mother I have heard that has felt this way, and gone on to have a loving relationship with their child, and you've been going through it during the loneliest of years. You can't love anyone properly while you're beating yourself up so badly. You've not chosen to feel this way, you're doing your best and that makes you a better mum than many. Ride the wave, and I really hope things get better for you soon, I'm sure it will happen

Please go and seek some help for depression and/or PND. I don't know if you have it or not, you can't be diagnosed on an internet forum, but you really don't sound happy, OP, and you deserve better. Crying and sadness aren't the only indicators; it can be far more complex than that.

You're not in any way a bad person for the way you feel.

GP, Health Visitor are a first port of call, also Samaritans, MIND, counsellors, therapists.

OP.

No judgement from me. I remember these sorts of feelings, especially after my DD1 was born 25 years ago now. I did have PND, although fortunately it did subside after a couple of months. It was like a fog that I just couldn't find my way out of at the time and I was just numb. It took me two or three months to start settling and forming any sort of a bond with my baby, although she was cared for, fed, clean and warm. I was just shell shocked and numb for that time and it was very difficult. In fact, I was very grateful at the time when my MIL admitted that she had felt much the same way when DH was born back in 1963.

It does sound very much like PND. You should see your GP and/or the midwife or health visitor. They will have heard it all before and should be able to refer you for the help you need.

Good luck. Babies are hard work, and the first one in particular is a culture shock. It is fair to say that life as we knew it up until that point undergoes a sea change and becomes almost unrecognisable from what it had been. Few women are completely unfazed by it. Resentment, numbness and feeling overwhelmed are common, as are feelings of grief over the loss of freedoms and previous identity.

Good luck, and be kind to yourself.

Have you picked up anything you used to do it your life before children - working; socialising, hobbies, etc.? Do you get time away to yourself are you the sole carer?

How you are feeling is not terrible and does not make you a bad person.

For many women there is no such thing as 'love at first sight'.

My baby was an accident, I went through the motions. I felt no love. I missed everything pre baby.

The love did come eventually but it took about 3 years. I too felt that I wasn't born to be a parent and had zero instincts.

I also had PND and medication helped.

See your GP and ask for help but remember you are normal.. just not everyone admits to these feelings

PND or no PND some people just don't enjoy babies OP.
When my son was a baby I just felt it was relentless hard work with no joy and no end to it. I was bored quite frankly and I asked myself over and over again why I'd done it.
Once he was older and had a personality it was so much better and easier and our relationship really grew but up until then I wasn't really interested I just went through the motions.
Babies are not cute like kittens, I'd have adored a kitten.
Don't force it just see what gives when he is older, my son is nearly 40 and I wouldn't be without him now.
If you feel you need to talk to someone don't hesitate to get referred, we all need a bit of help sometimes.

I also went back to work quite early on - that helped enormously to have adults to talk to.

You have PND OP, and you will get through it. I had severe PND, and I can remember feeling EXACTLY the same way as you do and wanting to give her up for adoption, up until about the age of two. I wasn't crying at all. I just wanted out. Looking back, I can't fathom it, as I have never loved another human being more in my life than I do her. PND is a horrid horrid thing. Please see your doctor. I went far too long without medication, not knowing what I had. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Please please don’t listen to any cruel answers. You sound depressed please your Gp asp.
Also babies are hard work , could you afford help ?? Maybe a break even once or twice a week would make you feel better.
Also not everyone likes the baby stage. You may find you are a mummy who enjoys older children more . Sending hugs and please please share how you feel with a professional.

I felt like this for the first year.Ds is nearly 7 now and I absolutely adore him.

NC for this for obvious reasons

I felt very similar to you and can relate to it. I never felt maternal and was ambivalent about children.

I cried when I found out I was pg - from fear, not joy. I didn't get excited as the pregnancy progressed - and when my DC was born placed on my belly, I just stared until he was taken away and given to DH. I felt nothing - except guilt about feeling no emotion or love or excitement

I assumed that things would get better; in the meanwhile I went through the motions, I kept him fed and clean and happy... but I still didn't feel any real love for him and if someone had taken him away I'd honestly have felt relieved. I went back to work when my baby was 4 months old... with great happiness that I didn't have to spend all day every day pretending that I loved my child.

I don't know what changed, or when it did - but it did. When my child was nearly 2 it suddenly dawned on me that I loved him. Proper, fierce, protective love. I don't know why the first couple of years were so awful (I've never really liked babies, so perhaps that played a part) - but the older he gets the better he gets and I can honestly say I love him with all my heart and would cheerfully die for him.

I look back now with deep shame at how I felt - and even at the time I was far too ashamed to admit any of it as I know it's not normal. I faked it for a long time, and he's now a teen who is absolutely awesome... we're very close and he has no idea how things were when he was tiny.

I don't know if things will fall into place for you... but it's entirely possible that they may. Please don't be hard on yourself, this isn't how anyone would choose to feel.

Really hoping this gets better for you very soon.