I don't know what to do. I don't love my child.

[MarylinMonrue]

NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore.

I was never sure if I wanted children, but even though I didn't know how I'd feel, when it happened (accident) I didn't fight it. Everyone around me was so happy for me when I got pregnant and kept saying things like 'You'll fall in love as soon as you see them' and so on, how it was the most overwhelming feeling in the world - and that everyone had doubts but hormones took care of that when they got here. And it didn't. I know I'm supposed to feel like my son is the most important thing on earth to me and I don't. I miss my old life, I miss having choices. Why are women's lives supposed to stop when this happens? I resent it so much. Sometimes I wish I could leave him somewhere warm and safe where he'd be looked after and never see him again. My DP is neither a great nor a bad father, hands-on enough and seems proud of his son, but he's definitely noticed something wrong because he keeps asking me why I don't want to spend time with our baby, and I don't know how to say I wish I'd not had him.

I'm not sad or crying all the time so I guess I don't have PND? There is just a hole inside me where I'm supposed to care about my own child. What's wrong with me, did anyone else have this? Could it be PND? Please be gentle, I never thought I was a bad person before this.

Lots of women feel like this - just that we do not feel able to express these feelings. Society says women should feel maternal, kindness etc so we keep quiet. Not all men are hunters and gatherers.

You will love your child eventually. As long as you don’t wish any harm to them then I wouldn’t worry. Lots of my female friends, when we group and drink quite often say “they don’t have a maternal bone in their body” but they do love their children now. There are times though when I’m not sure I like my 16 year old.

Read this:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3034658-No-bond-at-12-months

@DDIJ

I have never developed any kind of bond with any of my children. Some people just don't. Please don't overthink it.

What does a bond mean to you thought @DDIJ?

Love?
Things in common?
A shared sense of humour?

I just wanted to say this sounds totally normal. We just don't talk about it.

PS: a bit of therapy exploring relationships with your own mum/nan etc might help too?
I spent a lot of years not wanting to grow up to be like my mum (devoted mother of 2, long marriage with a man not nearly good enough for her) and a counsellor helped me understand why I feared being like her and why it was better for my own sake to let that baggage go.

I thought therapy would be a load of old bollocks and it was actually pretty useful in terms of pattern recognition and understood the roots of why I act and feel the ways I do.

Might be a way forward for you?

Don't despair. There are no perfect mothers.. Some don't enjoy the helpless baby stage but shine with screechy little girls , or hormonal teenagers. That's just how it is so don't beat yourself up during the off-periods. Being a just-about good-enough parent is, well..... good enough.

You might feel very different about spending time with DS when he starts talking and becomes fun company. Meanwhile, there IS somewhere that can keep him warm and safe and happy, it's called day nursery; and going back to work may be exactly what you need.

It will come OP. I felt the same as you with my first and was so incredibly sad/guilty about it. I remember I made the mistake of posting about it on an American happy-clappy mommy website looking for some advice/support. I was crucified with the consensus being I should put my child up for adoption. Luckily I found Mumsnet soon after and realised it's actually quite common to feel this way.

Always worth a trip to the GP to rule out PND but in my case I just really struggled to adapt to the MASSIVE change in my lifestyle. She's four now and I love her immensely, but like pps have said some of us just aren't enamored by babies and come into our own when the DC become more like "people". I went on to have a second and it was very different as I knew what to expect this time around and without all that mummy pressure and fear of the unknown, I actually did fall in love with her much quicker. I love them both equally and try not to beat myself up about the early years with DD1.

Fake it til you make it!

I just keep thinking DP could have him, and I could leave them both. DP would never let me give him up for adoption - he's wary enough of me at the moment as it is.

It’s very normal to not feel a bond. It isn’t normal to be actively considering leaving your supportive, non abusive, otherwise happy relationship and child. That is a flashing light for someone needing support.

@MarylinMonrue

I just keep thinking DP could have him, and I could leave them both. DP would never let me give him up for adoption - he's wary enough of me at the moment as it is.

Where would you be leaving for? How do you envisage life to be after leaving?

Thinking about the answers to those might give some clues as to what you need to change to be able to stay?

I haven't RTFT only the first page as I'm in the middle of cooking but this sounds like textbook PND to me. No judgement here OP, I have been there and can assure you it does get better

Sounds like emotional numbness. I'm feeling that at the mo, OP, it's part of a mental issue, so don't assume it's not PND.
Don't be cruel to yourself, you're not a monster, I promise. You are not alone.
You didn't choose to feel like this.
I'd try some Buddhist meditation.
Look up 'Tara Brach' on youtube or google and find her site, it doesn't have to be specific to parenting issues.
Tara Brach is a wonderful teacher and helps many a person out of a mental health crisis.
Best of luck xxxxx

This has got PND written all over it OP.

You also sound very detached from life, not just your child. Another classic PND marker.

Please get in contact with your GP. Your DH can clearly see you aren't your usual self and I suspect he is really worried about you. A traumatic birth and lockdown may have intensified any depression.

Finally please don't feel alone - PND isn't uncommon as you'd think and it doesn't make you a bad mother. I hope you are able to get the support you need.

Hi OP, first of all I am not a professional and j don’t know if this is PND BUT whatever if it is, it’s perfectly normal. Everybody is different and I believe there is so much pressure on mums to be the “perfect mum” when really, having a child is such a shock. I have felt some of the things you have described. I don’t entirely know if it gets better in time but I know for sure that I don’t want anymore kids. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my child or regret her but motherhood has not come so naturally for me. I did have a traumatic birth aswell, which I hadn’t expected at all. I just want you to know that you’re not alone and your partner sounds like he will only be concerned and not hate you. You should discuss it with him, quite honestly. It will help. I also found for me that writing about things has helped me too.

Good luck and try not to worry, human emotion is bloody complicated. 🤍

@MarylinMonrue

I think DP is trying to give me a break because he's starting taking bath and bedtime and making sure he's home from work for these, which i appreciate, but he knows something's wrong. The way he looks at me too sometimes, I feel like he knows my thoughts. He's as disappointed in me as I am.

He knows something is amiss but he hasn't turned away. He's got your back and giving you all the practical support he can . That's love, tolerance, patience , generosity in action. Not disappointment. Not criticism. Not blame. He's there for you.

You thought you'd get  criticism if you confessed your feelings to Mumsnet, but all you 've had  is understanding, empathy and  kindness.  Nobody was shocked or critical.

So I suggest you may also have underestimated and misjudged how your husband would react if you came clean and told him how you really feel. He won't be shocked, he's already got an inkling. He won't reject you, because he's already showing you how much he cares. and wants to help.

I’m sorry this is so difficult. Becoming, and being a mother is often the hardest thing. It sounds like you knew, even before becoming one, that this might be the case. You don’t mention your own mother or early years but these things from the past can sometimes be linked in the present.
Have you or would you ever consider speaking to a psychotherapist? Some therapists are specialists in working with parents, and / or parent/s and infant together. This is sometimes available via the NHS depending on where you live. Or you could pursue privately. Having someone compassionate and experienced alongside you could be helpful as you try to make sense of what you are feeling, and why, and get some relief from it.
Your HV / GP good places to start. Or you could google parent infant psychotherapy, or the association of child psychotherapists (who are also trained to work with parents and do a lot of this work).

Sheesh.
Felt exactly the same for ages after my daughter was born. It definitely got better for me, I'm very very grateful to report, and I predict it may for you too.
Wishing you the absolute best. Don't waste energy bashing yourself xx

I would second PND. Mine was diagnosed when baby was 9 months old. Until then, although I thought she was cute and I wanted to keep her safe, there was no rush of love.

Looking back, I now know I was overwhelmed by the massive change a baby brings, as well as the sheer relentlessness of it. I struggled through until she was 3 and a bit, before I had a brief course of anti depressants (6 months).

Much better, slowly, over time.....be gentle with yourself. I'm now totally in love with her.

I wanted my baby desperately and tried two rounds of ivf to have him, however I didn't have that rush of love. I had a rush of relief and the love grew over time.

Your DS may just turn out to be a charmer - you'll have to wait and see.

I would say PND too. It really is more complex that feeling sad and tearful. I hated my twins for a while and didn't want to be near them. And I was diagnosed with PND. I went on medication and had some therapy and felt completely different towards them. I look back now and feel dreadful about how I felt. It wasn't my fault I know, but I can't even comprehend feeling that way now.
I was a single mum and had never planned on having children at all, so motherhood was a major adjustment.

You should definitely get screened for PND.

In addition you may not be suited to the parenting role you currently have.
I went back to work after a year and despite being in a demanding and emotionally difficult job I still found it easier than being a SAHM.
I also don't like babies much, I much prefer older kids.

Not everyone parents in the same way and all that is needed is good enough parenting.

@MarylinMonrue

I just keep thinking DP could have him, and I could leave them both. DP would never let me give him up for adoption - he's wary enough of me at the moment as it is.

If you leave before he will remember you will do the least harm

Speak to your go about counselling. They will look at thought processes.
Worth a try?

Don’t feel guilty. It’s okay.

You're not a bad person or a monster. You may be unwell with PND, and that's fine; it happens to a lot of people.
Please seek out help. And please be kind to yourself.