I don't know what to do. I don't love my child.

[MarylinMonrue]

NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore.

I was never sure if I wanted children, but even though I didn't know how I'd feel, when it happened (accident) I didn't fight it. Everyone around me was so happy for me when I got pregnant and kept saying things like 'You'll fall in love as soon as you see them' and so on, how it was the most overwhelming feeling in the world - and that everyone had doubts but hormones took care of that when they got here. And it didn't. I know I'm supposed to feel like my son is the most important thing on earth to me and I don't. I miss my old life, I miss having choices. Why are women's lives supposed to stop when this happens? I resent it so much. Sometimes I wish I could leave him somewhere warm and safe where he'd be looked after and never see him again. My DP is neither a great nor a bad father, hands-on enough and seems proud of his son, but he's definitely noticed something wrong because he keeps asking me why I don't want to spend time with our baby, and I don't know how to say I wish I'd not had him.

I'm not sad or crying all the time so I guess I don't have PND? There is just a hole inside me where I'm supposed to care about my own child. What's wrong with me, did anyone else have this? Could it be PND? Please be gentle, I never thought I was a bad person before this.

@PucePanther

You’re not a bad person. Parenting is just a huge burden and a drudgery. Unfortunately there’s a collective lie that everyone participates in - nobody dares say how miserable parenting is, they all go around lying and saying it’s great. So people get fooled into thinking it’s not so bad... until they have a baby and realise how awful it is but it’s too late. It does get better, once your child starts school you’ll gradually get some freedom back. When you have that bit of space to yourself you’ll be less overwhelmed and may find you’re able to love your child.

I'm sorry, but this just isn't true. First of all, everyone tells you all the time how hard parenting is!

Second of all, for the majority of people, parenting is hard, and yet also incredibly rewarding. Saying that the way OP feels is normal isn't helpful at all, because it isn't normal!

@PucePanther

You’re not a bad person. Parenting is just a huge burden and a drudgery. Unfortunately there’s a collective lie that everyone participates in - nobody dares say how miserable parenting is, they all go around lying and saying it’s great. So people get fooled into thinking it’s not so bad... until they have a baby and realise how awful it is but it’s too late. It does get better, once your child starts school you’ll gradually get some freedom back. When you have that bit of space to yourself you’ll be less overwhelmed and may find you’re able to love your child.

No black and white

I’m sure it is for some

But I’m a single parent of two primary children and I don’t at all relate to what you describe

'I'm sorry, but this just isn't true. First of all, everyone tells you all the time how hard parenting is!'

I agree that people do tell you but that it really is something you don't understand until you experience it yourself. I used to think yeah yeah and think surely it can't be that bad and that everyone was just being really negative. Then I experienced it for real and severe sleep deprivation nd everything that comes along with that and it knocked me for six and I could never have imagined that feeling no matter how hard somebody had tried to warn me. It was the love for my baby that kept me going so I really do feel for op as without that I'd only imagine how difficult things must be.

Parenting is just a huge burden and a drudgery. Unfortunately there’s a collective lie that everyone participates in - nobody dares say how miserable parenting is, they all go around lying and saying it’s great. So people get fooled into thinking it’s not so bad... until they have a baby and realise how awful it is but it’s too late

absolute bollocks. And unhelpful too.
For some it is, sure. But those who say it isn't aren't lying, they just have a different experience. If it was that bad there would be no second children, never mind 3rd, 4th and more.

Some people find it very easy, some people find it very hard. Most are somewhere in between. There's no collective lie, and there's no cover up, people talk endlessly about how hard it is.

@StickTheKettleOnAlice

'I'm sorry, but this just isn't true. First of all, everyone tells you all the time how hard parenting is!'

I agree that people do tell you but that it really is something you don't understand until you experience it yourself. I used to think yeah yeah and think surely it can't be that bad and that everyone was just being really negative. Then I experienced it for real and severe sleep deprivation nd everything that comes along with that and it knocked me for six and I could never have imagined that feeling no matter how hard somebody had tried to warn me. It was the love for my baby that kept me going so I really do feel for op as without that I'd only imagine how difficult things must be.

But that's not "nobody told me", that's "i didn't believe them when they told me".

It's ridiculous to say that people don't talk about how difficult it can be to be a parent, as that's simply not true. I was told constantly how hard it was going to be, so much so that i wished people would shut up and just let me be excited! I think that's a pretty universal experience.

people talk endlessly about how hard it is
Yeah but they say stuff like “it’s hard but rewarding”. They never speak truthfully about how you have to give up everything you used to enjoy. They never tell you that you’ll be on rock bottom and seriously considering suicide as an escape from parenting. And the parents you see out and about still having lives don’t confess that they’re being facilitated by free childcare from family. I honestly thought it was normal to still be able to go out after you have kids. Then I had one and realised you’re trapped unless you have someone who can babysit for free.

@Ohalrightthen as I said lots of people tell you but it doesnt mean you always believe it! I agree they tell you though...ad I said unused to think they were just being really negative!

@PucePanther it’s not like that for everyone. I love the baby stage, I don’t have any help from family-it’s just DH and I but life hasn’t really changed for us. I still have my horse and ride, still go to work (pay for nursery). I’m not seeing friends and family only due to Covid otherwise we just fit DD in around us.

@PucePanther

people talk endlessly about how hard it is Yeah but they say stuff like “it’s hard but rewarding”. They never speak truthfully about how you have to give up everything you used to enjoy. They never tell you that you’ll be on rock bottom and seriously considering suicide as an escape from parenting. And the parents you see out and about still having lives don’t confess that they’re being facilitated by free childcare from family. I honestly thought it was normal to still be able to go out after you have kids. Then I had one and realised you’re trapped unless you have someone who can babysit for free.

That's because that's not a universal experience, at all. If you're feeling suicidal, please please reach out to your GP for support. What you describe isn't a normal part of parenting, from what you've said you desperately need more support.

And the parents you see out and about still having lives don’t confess that they’re being facilitated by free childcare from family. I honestly thought it was normal to still be able to go out after you have kids. Then I had one and realised you’re trapped unless you have someone who can babysit for free

I think people really don't appreciate the difference that having family for support/ childcare means. I remember a poster being scorned for saying one of the reasons she was thinking of not leaving her DH was the fact he is her only childcare, which enabled her to have her own life and interests. But having a life of your own outside of the kids is really important.
We are constantly told a happy mother is necessary for happy children, well childcare so you can have a life of your own is essential for that. And not to be scorned at.

'That's because that's not a universal experience, at all.'

I agree with this ^ people can tell you it's hard but they can only tell you their own personal experience. Not everyone will find it the same or cope the same so there is only so much people can say.

My exH and I use to do a lot of cycling. Then we had a child. We couldn’t go out together anymore because we had no family support and really couldn’t afford a baby sitter. So my ExH went out on his own. When it came to my turn I was so exhausted and really didn’t want to do it on my own. It was only for a few years but it did cause a lot of resentment. Having family support really makes a huge difference.

hey never speak truthfully about how you have to give up everything you used to enjoy. They never tell you that you’ll be on rock bottom and seriously considering suicide as an escape from parenting. And the parents you see out and about still having lives don’t confess that they’re being facilitated by free childcare from family

This is bullshit. I didnt give up everything I used to enjoy, most people don't. Most people don't consider suicide becasue they had a baby. Many of us did not get any free childcare from family.

I'm sorry that you had such a hard time, but its not true that everyone feels like you, at all. Perhaps you need to think that to make yourself feel better, but its simply not the case.

I would not have left a shit marriage with a toddler if I didnt have family childcare though. Hes an arse about split custody so without my family I would be on my own with him for weeks on end. It would defo be harder

@PucePanther

You’re not a bad person. Parenting is just a huge burden and a drudgery. Unfortunately there’s a collective lie that everyone participates in - nobody dares say how miserable parenting is, they all go around lying and saying it’s great. So people get fooled into thinking it’s not so bad... until they have a baby and realise how awful it is but it’s too late. It does get better, once your child starts school you’ll gradually get some freedom back. When you have that bit of space to yourself you’ll be less overwhelmed and may find you’re able to love your child.

This is truly one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on MN, and that's saying something. To lay a blanket statement over ALL PARENTS, PERIOD suggesting that we all hate parenthood and the only joy we get is when they go to school and we're away from them, is not only offensive, but downright utter and complete bollocks. Of course there are people who struggle being a mother / father more than others, but for you to speak on my behalf, as a mother, and say that I find it a drudgery and that in actual fact it's miserable and I just don't enjoy it, is dangerous for people reading this about to enter motherhood.

It may be your experience, but it sure as HELL isn't mine

@StripeyandConfused

I would not have left a shit marriage with a toddler if I didnt have family childcare though. Hes an arse about split custody so without my family I would be on my own with him for weeks on end. It would defo be harder

I did just that. But with two.

I promise you. Alone with your children is honestly utopia to being in a shit marriage.

You’re not a monster OP, you’re likely unwell. However you need to start taking a bit of responsibility for trying to resolve the situation you’ve found yourself in. You might not care for your poor son but ultimately he is your responsibility. You need to seek help and support through your GP and health visitor today if you haven’t done so already

@theantsgomarchin well said. Some people like to spread their own misery.

@Pucepanther seriously your very much in the minority!
Ive got 3 little ones, my husband works away from home and I still get to do things for myself. I go to the gym. I craft while my toddler sleeps. I make time for self care.
Your glass is very much half empty.
I love my children with every fibre of my being as do 99% of parents

OP- I feel for you. You sound unwell, and when people are unwell with PND they genuinely do not know this for themselves and they dont think like themselves, ive had it and I was a complete different person. You need to seek medical help for your childs sake, he didnt ask to be born. Its a terrible terrible thing to go through but the childs needs must be put first. If you really think your mentally sound and just dont like or want to mother him then leave him with his father as you will effect this childs mind if you stick around while you feel nothing for him.

@PucePanther totally agree.

The tacky family ads on TV, mums and babies, matching family PJs, smiles and laughter around the dining table, well behaved children. It is not a real representation of real life.

When I had my baby most medical professionals such as midwives and mental health staff agreed that we are fed this 'perfect' life when you have a child and it simply does not exist. How can it?

I too felt suicidal and wanted to end it all due to wanting to escape parenting.
Unfortunately they just say to mums it's PND, but I believe it's not for everyone. I simply do feel not cut out to be a good mum.
So then they just want to lock you up in a psychiatric ward, because it you don't want your child, you must be mentally unwell.
No, sometimes women just don't feel the way they thought they would and living with that forever can seem unbearable, but in this world you aren't even allowed to take your own life.

Have you spoken to the doctor op? Sorry if you’ve said but I haven’t had time to read back the whole thread.

@MarylinMonrue

I just feel more and more disconnected. It's getting worse not better as he gets older - the idea of having to spend even more energy engaging with him as he grows , like talking to him, playing with him, etc - it feels beyond me.

Yes I had this! Exactly this. I remember googling 'how many hours should my baby sleep' and the answer was that he should be awake for a couple of hours a day. I remember thinking omg I have to interact with him for that amount of time and I can't, I don't want to, I want him to sleep!!

I didn't realise at the time that I had PND. The HV even gave me an assessment to fill in. The score was high but she put it down to being tired.

My Ds in 4 and if you'd told me I would be in the kitchen with him teaching him how to chop carrots, making gingerbread, playing hide and seek and laughing so much because we have made each other jump. I wouldn't have believed you.

I now know I had PND and I try not to focus on how I felt as I'm ridden with guilt. I felt an enormous amount of love with him when he was 3. I'm not saying I didn't love him before but everything became so much easier and I saw his little personality develop.

My only regret is why I didn't get any help. I still don't understand why I didn't. I do remember thinking that I couldn't have PND because I wasn't crying or I wasn't wanting to kill myself - excuses really. If only I had reached out my experience of motherhood in the early years might have been very different.

Please reach out and be honest like you have on here. You will get support, not judgement. Take care

Realised this post was a couple of months ago. How are you feeling OP? Have you reached out to anyone? How is your little boy?