I don't know what to do. I don't love my child.

[MarylinMonrue]

NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore.

I was never sure if I wanted children, but even though I didn't know how I'd feel, when it happened (accident) I didn't fight it. Everyone around me was so happy for me when I got pregnant and kept saying things like 'You'll fall in love as soon as you see them' and so on, how it was the most overwhelming feeling in the world - and that everyone had doubts but hormones took care of that when they got here. And it didn't. I know I'm supposed to feel like my son is the most important thing on earth to me and I don't. I miss my old life, I miss having choices. Why are women's lives supposed to stop when this happens? I resent it so much. Sometimes I wish I could leave him somewhere warm and safe where he'd be looked after and never see him again. My DP is neither a great nor a bad father, hands-on enough and seems proud of his son, but he's definitely noticed something wrong because he keeps asking me why I don't want to spend time with our baby, and I don't know how to say I wish I'd not had him.

I'm not sad or crying all the time so I guess I don't have PND? There is just a hole inside me where I'm supposed to care about my own child. What's wrong with me, did anyone else have this? Could it be PND? Please be gentle, I never thought I was a bad person before this.

If the birth was really hard you may have some form of PTSD as well which could affect your bond with him. I really think some proper counselling or therapy could help you unpack your feelings and figure out a way forwards.

How old is he?

A friend of mine didn’t bond with her first baby at all for several months - it can take time with a lot of women. It doesn’t make you a monster.

You may well have PND - I did and I wasn’t constantly sad or crying.

A lot of women find the first few months with a baby SO hard- I spent the first few months thinking I’d made a huge mistake, and did regret it a bit.

I don’t now- time’s a great healer and I adore my DS- but being a first time Mum is so hard. Especially in lockdown.

Please, please tell your GP and health visitor how you feel - they won’t take away your baby or tell social services - but they will help you. If you do have PND it’s important it gets treated.

The other thing I would say- is fake it til you feel it- please cuddle and hold your baby a lot, smile at him, sing to him. Please don’t reject him or be cold to him; he will pick up on it and the early months are critical for their long term wellbeing. Please be as warm with him as you can - and do seek help.

I promise motherhood gets so much easier.

OP this does sound very like PND to me. I will also say this: where is a whole lot of emotive bollocks attached to the word 'mother' that men simply don't have to deal with, no matter how attentive, loving and wonderful fathers they may or may not be. It's a wonderful relationship, and it's not a distinction I would care to lose, but mothers are one of two parents with equal weighting.

I do feel as though my child is the most important being in the whole world to me, but I also don't accept that women's lives should have to stop when babies come along and their whole identities subsumed into the mothering role. Had I genuinely believed this at the time, then there's a good chance I could have become equally resentful and to feel exactly what you are feeling. Lockdown also can't be helping this situation. The gruelling first year, broken nights etc were made so much easier for me by the fact that I could go to my breastfeeding support group, baby sensory, swimming and the odd coffee and lunch with other mums. How isolating an experience it would have been without those lifelines, I can't even imagine.

Don't beat yourself up OP. Take advice and seek all the help you need. And remember that it's okay, fine and dandy to have your own life, hire a babysitter every now and again for an evening out, see your own friends and keep a career. I've done all of the above. And despite society's constant noises to the contrary, this doesn't make you a less attentive or loving mum.

for you.

Lots of people have already said really useful things. But I want you to know you're not alone. It sounds do much like PND as I experienced it.

There is nothing wrong about the way you feel, but you can change it if you get help. 11 years ago I was in the same place as you are now, and it will get better.

Please do see the GP and ask for help.

You are not a monster!!

I do wonder though whether you had a rough night last night or a bad day with him.

Reason I’m saying is that I oscillated so much when mine were that day depending on how the night and day had gone. I catastrophised on the basis of one bad day.

But then if next day was great... it was all rosy

I don't have much knowledge in this area. But I do know that some women just don't bond with one of their children. I read an article where teh mother had four children, loved three but not the other. She had not idea why and tried really hard not to let it show to that child. So this is something that happens. Its just not spoken about much.

I think you should seek out some sort of support - I don't even know what that is. But keep looking till you find. And don't allow yourself to be fobbed off. its fairly common, I think, not to have feelings for a newborn, but these usually develop as the child becomes more interactive, but that hasn't happened with you. So you need support of some type. This is your life now and you need help with how to find a way to live it.

Just to add to everyone else, I had pnd with my second and it wasn't diagnosed until she was over a year old.

A lot of people think it disappears after a few months but it can be there for years if untreated.

@Nowisthemonthofmaying

If the birth was really hard you may have some form of PTSD as well which could affect your bond with him. I really think some proper counselling or therapy could help you unpack your feelings and figure out a way forwards.

I agree with this, by the way. It might not be bog standard PND but that doesn't mean nothing is wrong. Your feelings about your partner for getting you pregnant rang tiny alarm bells for PTSD. I 100% think you would benefit from longer term counselling - apart from anything else it's some time just for you which is good. Pick a therapist you feel relaxed with even if you have to have a few first sessions with different ones.

The instant bond hooey... absolute rubbish. Having a baby was HARD. She pooped and cried and vomited and didn’t sleep. I looked after her because I was supposed to. Until she could really talk I didn’t find her interesting. She is 9 now and fun, interesting, cool. I love her but I have no idea when it happened. There is light at the end of the tunnel!!

I'll share my experience if it helps. I felt similarly to you with my first born. It was a difficult labour and my first response to him finally being plonked on my chest was, "what is that?!". He refused to feed so we were kept in for 2 days. Breastfeeding was then a traumatic nightmare for 3 months as he was tongue tied and even though we got it snipped at 4 weeks, it regrew. I didn't feel that rush of love and didn't feel anything much for him before about 2yrs. In hindsight I did have pnd I think, but we relocated when he was 6 weeks old and fell through the net somewhat. But, I still didn't feel especially positive towards him for years. He's 9 now and it turns out he's autistic, like his dad, which explains some of our attachment issues I think - it's just not reciprocated the same as a neurotypical child would. I didn't realise quite how ambivalent I felt towards him until I had my daughter. I did feel that instant attachment and love, and still find her much easier to love than him. As awful as I know that sounds... I've done a lot of work on myself over the years and also sought private therapy to address our attachment issues (theraplay) as well as my own systemic therapy which has helped loads.

Our relationship is definitely much improved in the last couple of years and I do feel warmth towards him now. I've also forgiven myself for not feeling what I should, which takes the pressure off. All of this is also my professional area of work, and that made it harder to admit I needed help but more so it made the helpers find it harder to suggest input! Also, I had grand plans to be an earth mother and stay off work for a long time with my first: I didn't work until ds was 22 months and things were pretty dire in our relationship by then. Separation definitely helped both of us.

I'm rambling now but just know that you're not alone and it can get better with support.

It definitely could be pnd.
Please get some support to figure it out.
It can be very hard and thankless being a mother. It's not for all of us. No point feeling bad, you need to explore exactly what's going on for all of your sakes.

I feel for you OP. I am not at all a 'baby' person and I chose to only have one child.

I love him loads and actually enjoyed the baby bit more than I thought I would but I resisted hard the expectations some people have of 'motherhood'. I went out as much as dh, worked, shared care of ds and still do. I spend every Saturday morning away from them doing sport (and dh does the same on Sundays).

I really do think you should listen to the posters encouraging you to find an opportunity to speak to an expert to unpack your feelings about how you 'should' be and feel and what 'motherhood' really means to you. There are many ways to mother and each age and stage is so different. There will be ways to find a path forward that works for you as a person and works for your son and his father too.

pandasfoundation.org.uk/what-is-pnd/post-natal-depression/ this organisation might be helpful and they have a free helpline where they'll direct you to the right support if it's not them

@MarylinMonrue
Maybe adoption might be the kindest thing, if you really can't find that passion for your son?

Or leave him with his father?

It must be a horrible thing not to feel that ''I'd die for my child''..But if the nurturing instinct isn't there now....Will it ever be?

Childhood goes on for a long old time, and if you are going to resent him for 18 years, that really isn't fair on him, or you.

Ive worked with kids who's mother has left them and one who's mother did not love him or want to be a mother but stuck around out of a sense of obligation.

The ones who had their mother leave early faired the best and the longer they stayed around the more it impacted them. The one who had his mother stay was deeply deeply effected by it but luckily for him as a young teen his best friend's family took him in and he started doing better. Emotional harm is a reason to remove a child but it usually gets allow to continue unfortunately.

In those situations walking away early was the right thing to do

[quote oakleaffy]@MarylinMonrue
Maybe adoption might be the kindest thing, if you really can't find that passion for your son?

Or leave him with his father?

It must be a horrible thing not to feel that ''I'd die for my child''..But if the nurturing instinct isn't there now....Will it ever be?

Childhood goes on for a long old time, and if you are going to resent him for 18 years, that really isn't fair on him, or you.[/quote]
What an idiotic load of nonsense.

IME the first two years are the worst. Outsource them. Put DS in nursery. Mine went at 4 and 5 months respectively and I felt 1000 times better, and I didn't feel as bad as you to begin with.
DS1 is 18 next week and it all seems like a distant memory now. We're all bonded just fine.

[quote oakleaffy]@MarylinMonrue
Maybe adoption might be the kindest thing, if you really can't find that passion for your son?

Or leave him with his father?

It must be a horrible thing not to feel that ''I'd die for my child''..But if the nurturing instinct isn't there now....Will it ever be?

Childhood goes on for a long old time, and if you are going to resent him for 18 years, that really isn't fair on him, or you.[/quote]
Thees an entire thread of people saying that the nurturing instinct can show up later and it did for all of us, so there's your answer.

Maybe adoption might be the kindest thing, if you really can't find that passion for your son?

I’d be interested to see me try to have my child adopted out from under my husband’s nose.

OP, I've only read your posts and a few of the early ones but I do agree it might be a touch of PND.

I also think it could be a touch of "doing what the world expects and it's shit". I read an article earlier about how career women suffer from mum guilt because they want to be with their kids and they want to be at work and it's a constant battle. And nearly 10 years into my parenting journey, with two children I love immensely my thought was, "what absolute bollocks. I don't feel guilt. I feel resentful and pissed off that when I'm at work I can't be 100% at work because I have this other responsibility and it's annoying as F*." And linked to that is my endless frustration that even in a situation with a DH who is the DC"s primary carer I still am the one who does all the THINKING. If I don't think about homework and give precise directions, it doesn't get done. if I don't notice that clothes aren't fitting and order new ones, the kids go to school in increasingly dodgy clothing.

And my DH is one of the good ones.

Having said all that, I do think there are ways to mitigate this. And the key one is to stop doing what you think you are "supposed" to do. If you work part time and find caring for your DS hard work, if possible, outsource some of it (costs etc permitting). Put him in nursery (and please, if you're working part time AND looking after him, stop that IMMEDIATELY). Reclaim at least some of what made you happy before - so if your thing was spending a saturday afternoon browsing the shops and a boozy lunch with a girlfriend, make sure that (lockdown permitting) you go back to doing this at least some time. If you used to go the gym 3x a week, go back to the gym 3x a week and make sur your DH is stepping up.

I am not meaning to bash your DH because nothing you've said suggests he's crap. But... honestly now.... has the bulk of the childcare, thinking, planning and parenting fallen to you? has his life been impacted anywhere near as much as yours?

Final point, yes, in theory, I think the above should be true for all women. But I know lots of women who genuinely do want to spend 24/7 with their children. Who love doing crafting and baking and drawing with them. Who can spend hours rewatching the same Monsters Inc moving 5 times in 2 days.... But I am not one of them. And I've stopped feeling guilty about that.

It sounds very much like Pnd. Tell your health visitor what you have written here. There are real life resources and help out there like Pandas pandasfoundation.org.uk/

And linked to that is my endless frustration that even in a situation with a DH who is the DC"s primary carer I still am the one who does all the THINKING. If I don't think about homework and give precise directions, it doesn't get done. if I don't notice that clothes aren't fitting and order new ones, the kids go to school in increasingly dodgy clothing

Sorry to derail the thread but THIS, THIS a thousand times THIS.

The frustration and resentment of this!

Not read the thread but please be kind to yourself!

Sometimes love is immediate, sometimes it takes ages to grow. I definitely remember in the early weeks after DS I was just about ready to leave him under a bush and be done with it all.

He’s 20 now, and I have, admittedly, periodically regretted not leaving him under a bush as a newborn (especially years 13-15 ) but I do love him, and he loves me back.

Babies can’t really show you that they love you for ages, and it can be hard to love someone who pukes and shits and screams and can’t even tell you what they actually want from you.
Couple that with the hormonal upheaval and lack of sleep and relentless pressure from well meaning but annoying relatives and honestly, it seems more rational to me to feel indifferent to a baby, rather than absolute love for one.

Looking back I suppose it was around 2.5-3 that my eldest had enough personality, humour and communications skills to be a person in his own right rather than a generic baby. He’s really rather fabulous now, and I’m glad he exists in the world. Still a pain in the arse at times, mind you.

Lockdown makes everything harder than usual but you really seem like you’d benefit from a bit more time and space to be who you were pre baby. Is there anything at all you could carve out some time for yourself? Even if it’s a just a regular glass of wine at the end of a friend’s 2 metre long garden? Bike ride round the local parks with the wind in your hair? Even just doing the food shop in person on your own with no time restraints might help.

Honestly, it sounds to me like a combo of PND and natural lack of maternal instincts. One can be dealt with with some professional support and the other will become less and less important as your kid grows up and you develop a relationship based on two personalities, rather than trying to fill a job title that is largely just stereotypes and relentless responsibility.

The good thing about kids is that unlike, say, dogs, their needs change with time. Before you know it your baby will be getting their own cereal and asking you a hundred questions an hour about trains or spongebob bloody squarepants.

And then, if he’s anything like mine, he’ll fuck off fo uni leaving you sitting in a pile of dirty laundry and crumbs, but finally able to plan your dream holiday for 1 (or 2, if you eventually forgive your husband for the baby thing).

This isn’t your forever.

I think it's totally normal and common not to like the baby stage - I didn't - but it's also really common to have PND and one doesn't negate the other. My understanding is that one of the key differentiators between depression and a situation-based unhappiness (I was told this by a counsellor and it was true for me) is that depression is marked by hopelessness and a feeling that nothing will ever make it better. I get that feeling so strongly from your posts, OP. I don't think you should wait it out in the hope it gets better; I think you should see your GP asap.