I don't know what to do. I don't love my child.

[MarylinMonrue]

NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore.

I was never sure if I wanted children, but even though I didn't know how I'd feel, when it happened (accident) I didn't fight it. Everyone around me was so happy for me when I got pregnant and kept saying things like 'You'll fall in love as soon as you see them' and so on, how it was the most overwhelming feeling in the world - and that everyone had doubts but hormones took care of that when they got here. And it didn't. I know I'm supposed to feel like my son is the most important thing on earth to me and I don't. I miss my old life, I miss having choices. Why are women's lives supposed to stop when this happens? I resent it so much. Sometimes I wish I could leave him somewhere warm and safe where he'd be looked after and never see him again. My DP is neither a great nor a bad father, hands-on enough and seems proud of his son, but he's definitely noticed something wrong because he keeps asking me why I don't want to spend time with our baby, and I don't know how to say I wish I'd not had him.

I'm not sad or crying all the time so I guess I don't have PND? There is just a hole inside me where I'm supposed to care about my own child. What's wrong with me, did anyone else have this? Could it be PND? Please be gentle, I never thought I was a bad person before this.

@tara66

Rolopolo - disagree - my son is a charmer to me - if he wants to be!

And if he wasn’t a “charmer”, do you think you’d feel like the OP?

Do people say of fathers ''Oh poor you! you are not a monster, you must have depression adjusting to the new baby

On the whole, they don't.

It is of course possible that the OP is, as a PP mentioned in a different context, "not Mum material". However, given the way she is describing the situation, and given the age of the child (still a baby), I think it would be wise for her to explore all the possible options and reasons for feeling like this, rather than just deciding at this point that she isn't "Mum material" (whatever that might be). If, having explored everything, nothing changes, then she should know that leaving her husband and child is an option. Years down the line, though, she might want to be certain that she gave everything a fair shot - otherwise she might always wonder.

OP, I found it very difficult to bond with my first child (again, hellish birth, severe physical damage caused to me, breastfeeding went wrong, etc, etc, etc). When he was born, I just thought: thank God it's out. I just didn't feel it. I didn't tell anyone because I thought I'd be judged. I started to feel it much more once he 'went interactive'. He is now 19 and is the absolute best company (and has been for a very long time). He was a lovely younger teenager whom I enjoyed spending time with. I have a bond with him that I've only ever had with my own mum.

I bonded instantly with my second child, and doted on her right from the start. However (and I'm ashamed to be even writing this now), I feel detached from her now that she's a teenager. She was the sweetest, funniest, sunniest baby and toddler and little girl, but every minute now feels like wading through a swamp. It is problem after problem (school, friendships, appearance, social media - you name it, it's a problem), when I just want a quiet life and to be left alone. I do all the right things and say all the right things (though she thinks they're all the wrong things), but I just don't feel anything at the moment. It may partly to do with lockdown, which has been horrendous for me - but my overwhelming feeling is that I can't wait for her to leave home.

I feel like slapping myself for writing that . But I suppose I'm trying to say that maternal feelings aren't as clear cut as they're made out to be, and they can ebb and flow, and are often dependent on things that are not even directly to do with our children. I don't know if that makes any sense.

andtheHossyourodeinon
Can people stop telling OP she has PND? She needs a professional for that, not armchair drs on here.

What people don't want to say, but is totally true, is that not all women love their children (or all men). It's not for everyone, and its hard to know until you've done it and then its too late. Some women just don't feel it, don't enjoy it, don't want to do it.

OP, I would see your GP and a counsellor to see if you can work through this. At the end of the day though, if you really do want to leave your son with his father and leave both of them...you can do. The choice is yours.

Completely agree

@MarylinMonrue

NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore.

I was never sure if I wanted children, but even though I didn't know how I'd feel, when it happened (accident) I didn't fight it. Everyone around me was so happy for me when I got pregnant and kept saying things like 'You'll fall in love as soon as you see them' and so on, how it was the most overwhelming feeling in the world - and that everyone had doubts but hormones took care of that when they got here. And it didn't. I know I'm supposed to feel like my son is the most important thing on earth to me and I don't. I miss my old life, I miss having choices. Why are women's lives supposed to stop when this happens? I resent it so much. Sometimes I wish I could leave him somewhere warm and safe where he'd be looked after and never see him again. My DP is neither a great nor a bad father, hands-on enough and seems proud of his son, but he's definitely noticed something wrong because he keeps asking me why I don't want to spend time with our baby, and I don't know how to say I wish I'd not had him.

I'm not sad or crying all the time so I guess I don't have PND? There is just a hole inside me where I'm supposed to care about my own child. What's wrong with me, did anyone else have this? Could it be PND? Please be gentle, I never thought I was a bad person before this.

All I can say is you are pretty much in the same situation as me. Some days are better than others but I crave my old life.

I was diagnosed with PND (I rarely cried with it, just feel disconnected and well I made sure their needs were met I've done nothing more) and I have not once said I love you just my twins, they're 9 months now.

The doctors have prescribed me anti depressants to see if they help and I'm going to talk to IAPT, I'm hoping this is the cause but honestly I never wanted kids so I've got no clue but I've got no choice but to try.

Don't make anyone make you feel bad about this

Well, things have certainly come to something of a head this evening because after reading this thread I felt I could ask DP what his thoughts were. Apparently they are that I need help because it's obvious I don't like my baby. He's talked about it with his sister (who I get on pretty well with) and now they're both worried I have PND. That's why he's been taking over the baby's baths, after something I said in an argument. I had no idea everyone was on such fucking eggshells around me.

Were you defensive with him when he told you that? Tbh try not to be as its not as if he's way off the mark.... Hes trying to find ways to help you, and more importantly to safeguard his child. Im assuming the taking over bathtimes is that youve said something that hinted that ds would not be safe with you doing it?

@MarylinMonrue do you want help or do you feel too far away from being ready for that?

I think if your husband has noticed you don't like your baby then that would mean that you need to speak to a professional about what you've written here before it's too late

He sounds very switched on to the fact that you need support. Don't be too defensive towards him. Let him help you as much as he can, and make yourself an urgent doctor's appointment. Tomorrow if you can possibly get it.

@MarylinMonrue .

Whatever the reason, you are in a very low place. And whatever the solution might be, there will be one. It won't be immediate, but there will be one.

Don't feel bad/angry about people being "on eggshells" around you. These are people who love you and who want to help.

The very fact that you have posted on here is a little chink of something. You haven't just upped and left.

I think sometimes it's fear which holds people
Back from bonding and attachment. When you love somebody, you're incredibly vulnerable. Especially loving a child.

Speaking from experience

Perhaps you should talk to a professional to come to terms with your feelings and work out what is best for you and your family

Is he walking on eggshells or has he noticed an issue that you yourself have recognized and stepped up a bit to help support you?

You both recognize that something isn't quite right at the moment and have started to talk about it.

It sounds like getting some external support is the next step.

Please do get some help from your GP and HV. You're not a monster and the way you feel isn't particularly uncommon. I really struggled with PND and feeling proper attachment to my DC but they sorted me out with counseling and anti-depressants and that helped a lot. I thought nothing could fix it, but I was proven wrong. My DC are now 10 and 8 and I'm not the most hands-on, full-on mother, but I do love them. I can quite happily wave them off to their dad's EoW and not miss them, but a week is a bit too long. Importantly, they feel loved and secure and I'm happy.

What did you say in the argument OP? Is he concerned about the safety of the baby?

@MarylinMonrue

Well, things have certainly come to something of a head this evening because after reading this thread I felt I could ask DP what his thoughts were. Apparently they are that I need help because it's obvious I don't like my baby. He's talked about it with his sister (who I get on pretty well with) and now they're both worried I have PND. That's why he's been taking over the baby's baths, after something I said in an argument. I had no idea everyone was on such fucking eggshells around me.

Isn't that a good thing though? That someone recognises that you're not in a great place?

And why should he not talk to someone he trusts?

You're not in a good place. But your child's welfare is still paramount.

And he would be a terrible parent if he didn't recognise that.

If you are not in a position to give your child what they need, and your partner can, then that's what needs to happen.

Eggshells aside - it's great you were able to be open with each other and have a talk about things rather than just tiptoeing round the subject. That has to be better.
Do reach out to your GP, they are there to help and it's worth a go.

Apparently they are that I need help because it's obvious I don't like my baby.
To be fair this is what you've said yourself and what others on the thread have said. They both care about you (dh and sil) and want to help. I think you should let them. Have a chat with a professional and work out what is best for your family.

@MarylinMonrue

Well, things have certainly come to something of a head this evening because after reading this thread I felt I could ask DP what his thoughts were. Apparently they are that I need help because it's obvious I don't like my baby. He's talked about it with his sister (who I get on pretty well with) and now they're both worried I have PND. That's why he's been taking over the baby's baths, after something I said in an argument. I had no idea everyone was on such fucking eggshells around me.

OP, on plus side, it's good that he thinks you need help. But I'm sorry, if you're struggling, taking over the baby's baths s NOT really going to cut it. You are clearly mourning your child free life. You need help and I absolutely agree you need to see your GP but I ALSO think that if you are not an earth mother type you need to make sure that you aren't 100% the default parent. I mean, he's taken over baths but my question is he aware of the soap you use and when it's running low? Has he spent even a second thinking about whether the temperature in the baby's room is appropriate and what bedding is needed? Is he thinking about whether the baby is growing out of its current sleeping bag and if so, where to get a new one and what tog? Is the bedding clean? Has it occurred to him that it needs to be changed regularly and where the spares are kept.

Im' not trying to bash your husband here because it does sound like he's trying. But I can't help feeling that you sound like a woman for whom motherhood is not "living the dream" and that therefore you have every right to expect that it should not be the ore of your existence.

You sound a lot like me except that I had a lot of help and support from both my DH and my mum in those early months. Even while on maternity leave, DH was v supportive when I said I wanted a nanny one morning a week so I could have a break. My mum, knowing the kind of person I am, insisted that Dh and I go out to a movie leaving her with DS when he was about 4 weeks old. I needed the break. I needed to be away from him. Similarly, DH sent me out for a massage and a solo meal the following week (this is when things were at their worst for me emotionally). Dh consistently would come home from work and insist I leave the house because he knew that I couldn't cope with DS crying etc so even if all I did was wander around the big Tesco, at least I was doing something in my own pace and with no one else to worry about.

There are probably people who have judged me for all the above. But I also know that my close friends are all similar to me and completely got it. And were doing their version of the same.

I agree with the pp, support from family and close friends is vital and with covid this has affected peoples lives massively.
Me and dh didnt have any support when we had our first child (selfish family members let us down and made everything about them at the time we needed them most) and this made things a million time harder for me emotionally. The second time around I resigned myself to the fact we wouldnt have support and it felt better because I also put alot less pressure on myself and wasnt disappointed as knew what to expect. If you have support op def use it. I do think a talk with your gp would be beneficial

@HallieKnight

Ive worked with kids who's mother has left them and one who's mother did not love him or want to be a mother but stuck around out of a sense of obligation.

The ones who had their mother leave early faired the best and the longer they stayed around the more it impacted them. The one who had his mother stay was deeply deeply effected by it but luckily for him as a young teen his best friend's family took him in and he started doing better. Emotional harm is a reason to remove a child but it usually gets allow to continue unfortunately.

In those situations walking away early was the right thing to do

I feel some posters aren't really hearing what you have said. This doesn't sound like normal slow attachment, or just a sense of loss of the old life. Most of us feel that but still attach to our children. I think its common to regret having children too, whilst still loving them. But you are describing something much deeper than that. You are describing a complete lack of connection to your child; as if, emotionally and relationally, they are not your child at all. Your husband can see your lack of attachment. This means your child will be picking up on it too. Babies and children are programmed to need that dance of attunement between them and their care givers. And that need is as vital as is the need for food and water. I suspect your DH has taken over bathtime less to give you a break and more to make sure his child has a chance to experience that necessary loving connection.

I feel for you OP, I really do.

You have a choice now. If you want to develop that sense of connection you need to see if there is help and support to help you do that. But my own experience has shown me that this counselling support will only help if you want to develop that connection. People who go to counselling but don't really want to change, won't.

If you don't want to develop that connection, or you find you can't and you can't convincingly act with your child as if you do love and nurture them, even when you don't feel it, then I do think the right thing to do is to leave. I think PP is right that your child will be more damaged by having a mother in their life who doesn't want them or love them, than by being left at an early age to be cared for by one parent who really does love them.

But I can't help feeling that you sound like a woman for whom motherhood is not "living the dream" and that therefore you have every right to expect that it should not be the ore of your existence.

No, I'm sorry, this is not acceptable. If OP doesnt want to be a parent, she should leave. What she can't do is disengage from her child while he's in the same house! That would be incredibly damaging.

With parenting, you're either all in or all out. There can be no half and half.

@Ohalrightthen

But I can't help feeling that you sound like a woman for whom motherhood is not "living the dream" and that therefore you have every right to expect that it should not be the ore of your existence.

No, I'm sorry, this is not acceptable. If OP doesnt want to be a parent, she should leave. What she can't do is disengage from her child while he's in the same house! That would be incredibly damaging.

With parenting, you're either all in or all out. There can be no half and half.

I completely disagree. Being a parent does not have to be 100% of your existence. And there is no shame in not wanting it to be. The problem is that right now she's not feeling any love. And it's clear this is because she is mourning her old life to a degree far beyond what is normal - hence the fact that she needs help from both her GP AND her DH.

I am never going to feel guilty because I choose to have things in my life that are meaningful to me outside of my children. Nor am I ever going to feel guilty for insisting that DH step up so that I don't have to do it all myself.

The problem is that right now she's not feeling any love. And it's clear this is because she is mourning her old life to a degree far beyond what is normal
I don't think from what OP has said it sounds like this. Saying she has never, in 14 months, felt any caring towards her child, that she feels disconnected from him, that the idea of him becoming more interactive feels her with horror. That doesn't like someone mourning an old life but someone with a complete lack of connection. Of course the result is that you miss your old life too, but that is not the cause of that lack of connection, just the consequence.

So Atalrightthen is right, its not ok to continue to live with a child you have disengaged from. That is really damaging. Its crunch time.

The CAMHS team where I work have just started doing work with mums/babies around attachment, could you ask the GP if this is something available in your area?

I don't think you necessarily have to have PND or any other mental health dx to feel this way and I'm not a fan of pathologising/medicalising every distressing feeling or experience generally.

You absolutely could move out, you should pay maintenance as a minimum but any contact could be as little or as much as you wanted really. Like pp said, men do this ALL THE TIME and people barely bat an eyelid. It wouldn't make you a bad person at all.

Haven’t read all the previous posts but just wanted to send solidarity. I felt so disconnected to my son when he was born, I went through the motions but he could have been anybody’s. Luckily I got a lot of help early doors, and was diagnosed with severe PND. I adore my boy now and I’m so glad I got the help. Even if you don’t have PND, you sound like this situation is very upsetting to you - that feeling in itself shows that you really do care for your family, and has to be worth exploring with a professional? I’m not diagnosing anything, but only from my own experience- when I was really ill with PND all I could think was, I’ve made a mistake, I don’t love this child, I never will, I have to leave. It was very all or nothing thinking.
Does anything else give you joy still? With me, the first stage of bonding with my child was to do things that I used to enjoy- I made myself happier and in turn, felt more able to bond.
I really do feel for you OP- I’ve been there and it felt terrible. I felt like a social pariah. But it doesn’t have to end badly. And honestly when they get older they’re so much more fun- we’re planning a trip to Cape Town with our 3 yo next year. It won’t be the same as it would be with kids but there’s no way in hell I could have imagined doing something like that with him, even six months ago!

You’re not a bad person. Parenting is just a huge burden and a drudgery. Unfortunately there’s a collective lie that everyone participates in - nobody dares say how miserable parenting is, they all go around lying and saying it’s great. So people get fooled into thinking it’s not so bad... until they have a baby and realise how awful it is but it’s too late. It does get better, once your child starts school you’ll gradually get some freedom back. When you have that bit of space to yourself you’ll be less overwhelmed and may find you’re able to love your child.