I don't know what to do. I don't love my child.

[MarylinMonrue]

NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore.

I was never sure if I wanted children, but even though I didn't know how I'd feel, when it happened (accident) I didn't fight it. Everyone around me was so happy for me when I got pregnant and kept saying things like 'You'll fall in love as soon as you see them' and so on, how it was the most overwhelming feeling in the world - and that everyone had doubts but hormones took care of that when they got here. And it didn't. I know I'm supposed to feel like my son is the most important thing on earth to me and I don't. I miss my old life, I miss having choices. Why are women's lives supposed to stop when this happens? I resent it so much. Sometimes I wish I could leave him somewhere warm and safe where he'd be looked after and never see him again. My DP is neither a great nor a bad father, hands-on enough and seems proud of his son, but he's definitely noticed something wrong because he keeps asking me why I don't want to spend time with our baby, and I don't know how to say I wish I'd not had him.

I'm not sad or crying all the time so I guess I don't have PND? There is just a hole inside me where I'm supposed to care about my own child. What's wrong with me, did anyone else have this? Could it be PND? Please be gentle, I never thought I was a bad person before this.

Sometimes having a baby can feel like a trauma. You go through so many emotions and OMG some people really do tell rotten lies about their child's accomplishments and you feel like a failure before you even start. Your body becomes public property, everyone has an opinion on everything and sometimes you just disassociate to protect yourself, AND you lose your identity a little bit sometimes, too. Please have a chat about how you feel with a health visitor and see if they can reassure you or give you guidance or signpost to a service where you can work out your feelings.

You're all so kind, thank you so much I thought I'd be told I was a monster.

Well, you’re not.

OP your baby is only 14 months old, I bet you'll feel completely different by the time they're 4 for instance and a little personality talking away to you. I promise this will pass.
As a nother pp said not everyone gets the rush of love after birth and relationships can take time to build and time for the love to grow. Please be kind to yourself in the mean time and take some for you when ever the opportunity.
I also think maybe a large part of your issue is to do with the loss of your old life and mourning that and disliking how things have changed so dramatically maybe. It
can be difficult to discover your new identity as a mother while at the same time remaining an individual and not losing yourself in the process. Please remember that life with your child won't always be this relentless and it will get easier and you will regain some of your old life again; this is temporary. You will find yourself again and get some life back and when you do you'll feel stronger than before. One day I turned around my child was 3 and I thought I feel happy and happier than before and couldn't imagine going back.

some time*

It took me ages to bond with both babies and it made me feel dreadful when people spoke of the 'rush of love' - I felt an incredible sense of duty and breastfed both (I must have been crazy as it made me feel sick) and looked after them but not so much on the overwhelming feelings. I never knew whether it was PND or vitamin deficiency or just me - im still in the middle of the fog a bit but it feels like its lifting slowly. I've recently started taking vitamin D as well as having B12 injections and I wonder if that's helped

People are complex @MarylinMonrue and you feel the way that you do.The fact that you are asking on here seems to me that ultimately it is your desired outcome in this to find away to love your child. Acknowledging where you are allows you to think through how you might get to a point where you can love your child.

Addressing that might mean addressing trauma in yourself. It might be finding a way to meet your own needs which can be completely overwhelmed by having a young child. It might be spending more time with your child, but sometimes for mothers where the weight of expectation is so enormous, it might be spending less time with your child. It might be finding the things in life that really make you happy and then incorporating your child into that world.

It sounds like a pretty difficult space to find yourself in, so definitely opening up to someone about this in real life like your OH, GP or a good counsellor would help you to get some support to figure this all out.

"I kept him fed and clean and happy... but I still didn't feel any real love for him and if someone had taken him away I'd honestly have felt relieved."

Yes. I feel this. I just want someone to take him away, I've honestly even thought terrible thoughts that if something happened to him I'd feel that. I'd never hurt him and I don't actively want anything to happen to him - it's not his fault he has a shit mother - but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought it.

Sounds like a combination of PND and the lockdown OP. I’m very sorry you’re going through this, and it is bloody hard managing in this lockdown with all the anxiety of a pandemic and a very young baby.

Are you able to get to a GP for some advice? I had PND after my daughter was born and seeing a therapist really helped.

Not everybody feels a big rush of love in the early days, so please stop beating yourself up and try to get help as soon as you can. Please be kind to yourself and also open up to your husband or a trusted friend about how you are feeling.

The birth wasn't good, no.

Op. SOME women do get that rush. I did. But that that was me. You are you and your experience me are different. Bit wrong. Just different.

Feeling numb is not the same as wanting to harm your baby. And it could be pnd. It takes a lot of different forms.

I agree that work/therapy etc would be a good place to start. And keep talking. The stigma of feeling like this is awful. But a lot more people feel like this than you might think,

Good luck

Meant to add, I'm totally obsessed with the toddler now and he is the highlight of everyday. I try not to dwell on my past feelings if I can help it

It's worth saying, OP, that you could leave. Men do it all the time. You could leave.

Sorry OP 'not wrong' but 'bit wrong'

Oh ffs. I meant NOT WRONG NOT BIT WRONG

stupid fingers

I would really recommend you see your GP and get some independent advice. It is perfectly possible that you have PND. It is also possible that you are just unhappy , missing your independent life and your world. It can almost be like a bereavement - mourning what you've lost. As a mother you are essentially a slave to your child and for some people that's very difficult to adjust to. This can lead to resentment of the people closest to you and obviously your child.

Trying to claim some time back just for you can help - can your son go to nursery? Can your husband look after him one day a week so you have some time out? Do you have any hobbies? Do you work? Absolutely none of this is your fault and you are not a bad person. It is very important to talk to someone and be open and honest about how you're feeling. That's the best way to get some help and support. You owe this to yourself and your son. You won't feel like this forever I promise.

I didn't feel real love until they started getting a personality. Around 1.5 yrs. Everything felt like a chore and I longed for someone to take them away. I missed independence.

It's fairly common but people won't admit to it. Look at how many men leave the home.

Please believe me when I say it will come. We don't all fall in love instantly. I never have done, it's just not who I am. Now I adore my boys, I love everything they do. I wish their first year was different but it wasn't and that's ok. It's just how it was.

Hang in there x

I didn't bond with my oldest but did instantly with my second, and felt terrible for it. I still have to try with my oldest now (he's 9 years old) but I think we are weirdly close for all that, as we are quite similar in many ways and I think we each appreciate the effort the other makes to be kind/loving. We shout too, but we also actively try to connect. I think that's important, to just keep trying if it doesn't come naturally.

It will be OK - you're not as unusual as you think.

It's worth saying, OP, that you could leave. Men do it all the time. You could leave.

I think that is a very good point Ohalrightthen knowing that option is there and that you are making choices in this can be very empowering. Sometimes feeling trapped in our own actions and feelings makes us feel like there are no other options but there are always loads of choices to choose from and there are midways between staying with the way things are and leaving too.

@MarylinMonrue

You're all so kind, thank you so much I thought I'd be told I was a monster.

You aren't a monster. You are a normal person who is struggling in a way that very many of us also have.

Can you put him in nursery or childminder and go back to work? You might find that having him “off your hands” for the working day makes all the difference. I also echo what others have said- you may well find that it all clicks into place when he is older and has a voice and a personality. Non verbal toddlers are quite dull and can be hard to relate to. 2 is a bit of a struggle but 3 and 4 year olds are surprisingly good company. That’s just my experience though. to you.

I just feel more and more disconnected. It's getting worse not better as he gets older - the idea of having to spend even more energy engaging with him as he grows , like talking to him, playing with him, etc - it feels beyond me.

Op don't feel sorry for me, I shouldn't have had him, but I did and I have to keep going with my facade....

I hope you find something that "helps"......you can't force your feelings but just take each day as it comes and hopefully you'll find support to help you find a way to get through this

I think DP is trying to give me a break because he's starting taking bath and bedtime and making sure he's home from work for these, which i appreciate, but he knows something's wrong. The way he looks at me too sometimes, I feel like he knows my thoughts. He's as disappointed in me as I am.

I think a lot of mothers take time to fall in love with their babies. Motherhood is filled with myths! The first child is a huge shock, trauma of birth, complete change of lifestyle, and if DH life isn't as affected ot can lead to resentment.
This might be even more the case as it was an unplanned pregnancy. Some people love babies ,others find them uninteresting but enjoy DC when they are older.
I would talk to you GP and ask for counselling. You aren't a bad mother, it sounds like your baby is cared for and you are acknowledging your feelings and thats important, particularly if it is PND.
Just another thought - may be way off- but this did happen to someone I know who has autism which is often undetected in women.
Continue to care for your child and show them love and affection- maybe fake it til you make it! Dont be embarrassed about seeking help and support, be kind to yourself, motherhood is hard.