I don't know what to do. I don't love my child.

[MarylinMonrue]

NC because this is so terrible, I know it is. I know there's something horribly wrong with me, so please - you don't have to be kind, but please bear in mind I don't know if I can go on like this anymore.

I was never sure if I wanted children, but even though I didn't know how I'd feel, when it happened (accident) I didn't fight it. Everyone around me was so happy for me when I got pregnant and kept saying things like 'You'll fall in love as soon as you see them' and so on, how it was the most overwhelming feeling in the world - and that everyone had doubts but hormones took care of that when they got here. And it didn't. I know I'm supposed to feel like my son is the most important thing on earth to me and I don't. I miss my old life, I miss having choices. Why are women's lives supposed to stop when this happens? I resent it so much. Sometimes I wish I could leave him somewhere warm and safe where he'd be looked after and never see him again. My DP is neither a great nor a bad father, hands-on enough and seems proud of his son, but he's definitely noticed something wrong because he keeps asking me why I don't want to spend time with our baby, and I don't know how to say I wish I'd not had him.

I'm not sad or crying all the time so I guess I don't have PND? There is just a hole inside me where I'm supposed to care about my own child. What's wrong with me, did anyone else have this? Could it be PND? Please be gentle, I never thought I was a bad person before this.

Are you back at work?

I think it’s true that there are some women who just don’t love their children, but PND is statistically really common, and I suspect more common than just not loving your child. It’s still sensible advice to tell the OP to speak to her GP.

For what it’s worth I had a very traumatic birth and post natal depression and absolutely hated my baby for ages. I remember Googling ‘I hate my baby’. can’t remember when I started to feel something for him - around 4 months old maybe? So a lot younger than your son admittedly but I do still relate to the feeling of not loving your child. He’s the love of my life now. The ‘rush of love’ is such an unnecessary myth.

These are two articles that I relate to so much that I still can’t read them without crying.

the-motherload.co.uk/i-didnt-love-baby/

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/apr/11/health-and-wellbeing-postnatal-depression

aw OP
to be honest, babies are DULL and very needy... it's only when they get a bit bigger and they develop some personality that it makes sense to me that you could properly bond with them!

it might not be PND. You might just not really enjoy this part of parenting. Are you working. Maybe you could try a full time job if not and your partner be a SAHP or put the baby into childcare.
You cant go back in time, and obviously abandoning your child is not an option, but I hope youre not being forced into full time childcare against your will.

I do think that more people than youd think, dont really enjoy their kids much till a bit older, but ultimately, you did have the child and you went along with it, therefore its not his fault and you do have a responsbility. Running away is a fantasy, but that would be pretty shitty, but that doesnt mean that you cant prioritise your own career and life seperate to family life and have your partner as the main carer, and obviously as time goes on, children become more independent and less of a burden

I really have mixed feelings about my kids too. Not so much about them but the life choice I’ve made and the constraints. Are you working and / or do you have time off? I’ve separated from DH and so I get a day every weekend to myself and honestly it’s wonderful. By the end of it I actually do miss the kids and want to go home and say goodnight. If I don’t get time off, either work or social, I feel miserable, bored and trapped. Please make time for yourself if you possibly can. We are programmed to feel guilt for wanting this but it’s so important and normal.

Honestly, OP, give yourself a break! You might not feel this way forever. Being a new parent is really, really hard, particularly for people who didn’t realise how much they were going to miss time to themselves, the liberty to just walk out and go for a meal or see a friend whenever they liked. And it’s 2020! Shit year. Honestly, try to rest as much as you can, lean on your DH as much as you can, and stop beating yourself up.

Babies are boring as shit. No-one talks about this! But they are so dull. They can't talk or tell you what they want and all they do is take. Add in to that a bit of lasting trauma from a difficult birth and it's a wonder people bond with their children at all. Imagine suddenly being given a new person and told you must love him - not only must but it's just assumed you will. They are a total stranger and they never say anything.

The baby stage was hard work for me and I remember saying really bitter things to friends when my son was this gorgeous cuddly chubby bundle of cuteness, and I was banging on about how more people should tell you that having a baby ruins you life. I felt so ENRAGED at the giant conspiracy of it. And I missed my old life with a deep, terrible pang.

He's 12 now and I adore him (most of the time), I love him so much and I worry about him and miss him when he's not about. It will get easier but you're not a monster if it takes a bit of time.
It could be PND - I think I had it - but equally you could be pissed off and missing your old life. Give him to his Dad and go and sit outside or pop to the supermarket with headphones on for 2 blissful hours of solitude.

@MarylinMonrue it look years for me to bond with my DS (with my DD it was instant). I still find it harder because he doesn't communicate as well (he's 4) but I do love him very much. Don't believe that PND can't last longer than 12 months- it can. The lack of sleep, the disruption to your life and work and whatever fills you with joy, these are hard things. Go and see your GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist who can help you. It's not your fault, but it is important for your son that you bond with him. You just need help. You may also find that getting some extra childcare eg. a few hours at nursery a few times a week, may really help take off that pressure. You need some time to find yourself again and be you.

But I prefer this stage -I can cope with something that just needs food and sleep and washing and its shit cleaned up - I absolutely loved my dog and on a practical level that's all she ever wanted. I felt more affection for her. The thought of more stages where he gets more complex and needs more interaction and engagement fills me with horror.

14 months is a very hard age. I found similar feelings I had came to a head around that time. For me I did a started a few sessions of nursery then - just a couple of mornings, and just having those breaks to myself really changed things. I used that time to exercise or do a good shop, or sometimes I’d just have a good shower and blow dry and straighten my hair and put make up on! It really made a difference to me and I felt like I started to enjoy my motherhood. I also went on walks in the evening after baby’s bath - let her dad put her to bed and I’d go out and listen to a podcast some nights and have a good walk. I always came back feeling better. I enjoy life much more now.

It's Ok to not enjoy it.

I feel awful sometimes as I do enjoy spending time with my older child more than my 8 month old, simply because he is more independent, can have a conversation, can feed himself, tell me what he wants/ needs without me having to figure it out etc.

Going back to the baby stage where they just shout at you and can't do anything for themselves was hard.

@MarylinMonrue

But I prefer this stage -I can cope with something that just needs food and sleep and washing and its shit cleaned up - I absolutely loved my dog and on a practical level that's all she ever wanted. I felt more affection for her. The thought of more stages where he gets more complex and needs more interaction and engagement fills me with horror.

Thing is - as they get older they start to give back. At your current stage it’s mostly one way interaction from you to him - boring and hard and repetitive. When they start to talk it’s a game changer - they become suddenly very entertaining and unpredictable. Life feels less one sided and they start to entertain you rather than the other way round. It becomes easier, it really does

The dog comparison isn't the same because a dog can meet a lot more of its own needs than a young child. They don't need put to bed, dressed, cooked for. They don't care if they only do the same couple of walks on rotation. You can leave them alone for hours at a time. They're not likely to injure themselves if you're in the next room.

Young children are much much harder work than a dog. This stage isn't the easy part by any means.

@MarylinMonrue

But I prefer this stage -I can cope with something that just needs food and sleep and washing and its shit cleaned up - I absolutely loved my dog and on a practical level that's all she ever wanted. I felt more affection for her. The thought of more stages where he gets more complex and needs more interaction and engagement fills me with horror.

Don't think about what is to come, just deal with the bits today that you can deal with. I was petrified of having babies (accident and I was quite an old mother) and then petrified of them becoming toddlers and now I'm slightly nervous of them becoming teens BUT someone wise (I think it might have been DH actually) said, just deal with today.

Don't analyse your feelings, just go through the motions. Read to your son. It builds a bond. Make a lot of eye contact. You don't have to "feel" it - just do it.

I hated having babies, it was boring, relentlessly boring, knackering beyond belief and rubbish. In reality my resentment didn't dissipate until they went to school. I quite enjoy parenting now and love them fiercely. I couldn't have said that even 8 years ago (youngest is turning 10 next week).

Please don't stress - you are not the first person to have felt like this, I promise you.

I don't really like babies. I found looking after DS a pain until he was around 10 months old and started to do more. I quite enjoyed the toddler phase and am sad that we're coming to the end of it.

It's OK if babies and even toddlers (in fact, young children in general) are not your thing. I suspect my DH is a bit like this... he does love DS but finds the mess, noise and wilfulness of young children difficult to cope with. I suspect he'll find it easier when he can take DS to his sports and help with homework. If he was at home more during the week with DS, I think he'd find it difficult to cope.

I think the solution lies in looking at your work situation. Are you working and is your DS in nursery? Not everyone is suited to being at home most of the week with children and there's no shame in that.

When they start to talk it’s a game changer - they become suddenly very entertaining and unpredictable.

This in spades. I remember the first time DS1 actually spoke to me and it was like a lessening of a pressure I hadn't realised was there. I suddenly understood how much I had hated nonverbal communication, just as it started to end.

Was the birth traumatic? It can lead to PND. One of mine was very traumatic and looking back, I did have PND and it wasn't diagnosed.

Do you have any time for yourself away from your baby? You need it, especially if you are having a hard time. Subsequent baby I didn't have a traumatic birth, didn't have PND and they are a much easier child, but I still need time for me. Previous time around, my partner always wanted me to play with the baby but I needed to have a break as I always had the baby and was doing chores at the same time and never got a break.

Are you working? Are they in nursery? I'm a SAHM and even though I really wanted the baby and they are easy and I enjoy them, I have to admit I am bored by it. If so, could you go back to work? I went back after my first for a rest, work was easier!

I found that breastfeeding caused mood swings for me, as soon as I stopped they stabilised. It was like breastfeeding PMT.

You're not the first, or only, and won't be the last to feel like this. Go through the motions, and don't beat yourself up.

Depression often presents itself as a lack of emotion, which is exactly what you're describing, but maybe this stage of motherhood just isn't your bag, and that's ok. Your relationship with your son will change over the months and years. Don't expect it to always feel like this. You can fall in love in an instant, but it doesn't have to be at first sight.

I've been doing my PT job from home, which I'm so fortunate I've hung on to - DP is back at work FT, but has changed his hours.

I got that rush of love with my first baby - it was like I had known her all of my life. She then turned out to be a nightmare baby, who hated being cuddled, and who I couldn't soothe, but that initial bond got me through. My second, I felt absolutely nothing for. He could have been anyone's baby. I used to look at him, mildly perplexed, wondering who the hell he was. Fortunately, he was a perfect, affectionate, cuddly baby, and the bond grew over time. I sometimes wonder how it would have been if I hadn't have had that initial rush of love / bond with my first. The thought scares me a little, as that would have been unbelievably difficult. So much of my parenting experience was based on fortuitous hormones.

my dog is SO much easier to love than a baby. OMG, she loves me and wants to please me and does what shes told mostly.

I think its wise to remember that love isnt just a feeling. Its also a verb. Its a doing word. Everything you do so that your baby thrives and survives is because you are loving him. Its just not magical fairytale and enjoyable at the moment and youre not getting enough breaks or time to be a person in your own right.

If you are resentful to your partner, then thats one thing. Maybe if you seperated and shared childcare then youd have a lot more free time, but you cant go back to before you decided to go through with the pregnancy, so you just have to suck it up and get on with that bit now. In a practical sense. I do feel for you though. We are pushed this romantic notion of maternal love and it just isnt like that for everyone. Not straight away anyway.

Have you felt like this every single day since he was born or do you have good and bad days?

You say you crave your old life, what is it that you crave? Is it that you dislike looking after him because you don't enjoy what it entails and wish you could do anything else than this, it isn't that you kiss what you were doing before and wish you could be there again? Are you working, planning to do so?

Do you think fatigue and poor sleep could contribute how you feel?

I loved mine more as I grew to know them. I loved them as babies, but more in a protective way. Love grows, there can always be more.

Having said that, you need to put your mental health first and focus on now. Speak to professionals like social workers, and family. Be very honest in real life. It sounds like you need support.

'Have you felt like this every single day since he was born or do you have good and bad days?'

I honestly haven't cared about him since he was born. They gave him to me in the hospital and DP says I just stared at him until he took him to hold. Every day I've stared at him wondering what I'm supposed to feel.

@MarylinMonrue

I think DP is trying to give me a break because he's starting taking bath and bedtime and making sure he's home from work for these, which i appreciate, but he knows something's wrong. The way he looks at me too sometimes, I feel like he knows my thoughts. He's as disappointed in me as I am.

I suspect he's worried rather than disappointed, I know my DH was.

Honestly there's no reason for you to feel disappointed in yourself, I know it's easy for us strangers to say it, it won't change how you feel - not yet. You aren't alone, you aren't a monster, and loads of us have been where you are now. Be kind to yourself x