Suicidal after abortion

[Topaz89]

I had an abortion last week that I now deeply regret and I am deeply ashamed about it. I am changed forever and I can't see a way forward apart from ending it all.

Am I ever going to live a normal life again? If not then there is no point being here.

Eventually I understood that it wasn't so much about the fact I thought I may have made mistakes, but about working through my thoughts memories and feelings. None of that changed what actually happened but I was able to accept it - am actually still in therapy but am as near as dammit to better now, a place I never thought I'd be in x

That's fantastic. I'm so happy for you! You've come a long way so well done to you for being so strong .

That's what I want. I know I will never be able to undo what I have done, but I just want to be able to get to place where I can at least accept it and live with it, and it not affect my life the way it is now. I just basically want to be at peace with my decision.

Thank you. Fear and shame are really deep painful emotions of trauma and I think that's why it's better to work through those emotions with a qualified therapist.
Shame makes us want to hide and isolate and makes us feel disconnected. Check out Brenne Brown TED talks on shame.

I hope you sleep well tonight. If you wake up remember that whatever happened was done with good intentions. Selfless intentions x

OP don't feel guilty. Not sure if it helps, but I would have done the same in your place. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you. I'm trying to not beat myself up and be kind to myself.
I still have pregnancy hormones in my body, so they could be playing a big part in how i'm feeling.
Fear, shame and guilt are all very painful emotions. Having them all at the same time at such an intense level is driving me to a mental breakdown.

Topaz I have Pmed you x

I sent you a pm too Topaz x

I can't sleep. I'm torturing myself. If anyone is awake please help me and talk to me. I can't cope.
I feel dirty and like my innocence has gone because I've had an abortion. I feel like a killer and most of all I regret my decision and I want my baby back Oh god what have I done.
I've ruined my life completely.

Hi Topaz. How are you doing this morning?

Hi Topaz hope you got back to sleep. You will feel ok again. At the moment you are locked in pain and inner conflict.
Try to take small steps to soothe yourself. - --Take soothing breaths in fresh air fir a few minutes

• count five things you can see in the room or outside, four you can hear, three you can feel , two you can smell and one you can taste. You can repeat it.

-try to get outside fir five minutes every hour or two at least. It doesnt have to feel like it's helping at the time , but it will help. -try to get short walk

• Eat and drink regularly

-Consider see gp for advice , possibly crisis team could tide you over fir a few days. They have methods to cope and contact to call . -Google ' distress tolerance' -there is info on the MIND website of getting through five minute chunks of time.

Sorry if this has typos etc am on my phone hope you feel better once up.
Ain't x

Are you ok Topaz?

No
I still can't believe what I've done. One of my school mum friends is pregnant and people were making a fuss about her today. I was just stood there thinking "I want my baby back".

topaz

I felt like you for a year after mine. 18 months on its lifting slowly, but at least it's lifting.

Take care of yourself & please don't feel guilty. I know that is so hard and I had counselling for a year afterwards to help.

I haven't read the full thread just the first post and it read just as I felt those months ago.
Feel free to pm me anytime.

Op- you sound like me a few years ago. Please please go and get help. I went to the hospital and was very fortunate to have a counsellor from the mental health dept talk to me and prescribe me the anti depressants i needed. You are not alone and things will get better in time- I promise

I'm feeling really desperate now. I've sunk in to an even darker place. I truly have had enough.

Topaz, pick up the phone and make an appointment with the GP now. Have that booked in.

Can someone else give Topaz the right organisation to call for a chat and some support right now? Samaritans?

Topaz get to the doctor asap - it could also be a reaction to your medications.
You need to seek help today xxx

Please can someone report the thread - I'm on my phone and can't seem to find the report button.

I love can you report please - not sure if already done.

For the links etc to help Topaz

What does reporting do? Do mumsnet HQ provide links to the right support?

Asked HQ to send some advice.

They post advice and links.
They should have picked it up but don't know if they have.

Hello OP,

We're so sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

Please do take a look at our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Our very best wishes
MNHQ

Hi Topaz how are you? Did you get in touch with anyone? X