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Original poster

DH ignoring my breakdown

433 replies

Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 09:34

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 31/03/2017 10:44

Have you considered going on the sick for a few weeks and leaving your DC in childcare?

Looking for another job?

Going away for a few days

You need a break

bibbitybobbityyhat · 31/03/2017 10:46

What medication are you on for your depression and anxiety?

boolifooli · 31/03/2017 10:54

Instead of waiting for him to listen you'll need to make a change and then tell him. Be it working less, time off. See your GP and explain and they'll sign you off for a bit so you can decide what change is required.

Poudrenez · 31/03/2017 11:26

OP have you been to your GP? I was in a similar situation (or more accurately I had a similar reaction to a different situation) and anti depressants really got me over the hump - I was crippled by anxiety and insomnia. They would at least give you some space to think. Mirtazapine is great for sleep - insomnia is so awful and you have my sympathy. I would say take it one step at a time, sleep first, then tackle the rest. Your post has so many stressful things in it - divorce, overwork, insomnia, anxiety, along with concern for your children; you sound overwhelmed. Your partner needs to pull his finger out - maybe a signing off/diagnosis would make him realise how bad things are? I found my Dh started noticing my breakdown when I stopped sleeping completely.

endofthelinefinally · 31/03/2017 11:35

It sounds as if your husband is a large part of the problem.
Does he help with anything related to home or children?

TedEriksen · 31/03/2017 12:30

I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

How long have you been in counselling? I went through some and was told (by the counsellor) that it can have the effect of making you feel worse to begin with, as everything has to be dragged up at the beginning before the work on resolving issues begins. I don't think counselling is a magic wand, but it worked OK for me in the end.

However, if you aren't being practically supported by your husband counselling may just be papering over cracks. I don't know what advice to offer in that regard as I have been there myself and never managed to resolve it.

See your GP and explain and they'll sign you off for a bit so you can decide what change is required.

This is the best advice - get yourself some room and space, even for a short while. You are obviously in distress and need some breathing space.

TedEriksen · 31/03/2017 12:37

Oh, and I know this will sound a bit like shooting at a train with an air rifle, but chamomile tea at about 9pm was very helpful to me when I had insomnia.

MorrisZapp · 31/03/2017 12:42

If you mention your workload to your dh then inevitably it will lead to tiredness top trumps. See your GP. If you don't have an anxiety diagnosis, get one. If you're not on medication currently, look into it.

Mental illness is just so difficult to explain to somebody who thinks your tiredness is a judgement on them. He's not the best person to be your primary support. Do you have close family

Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 12:43

I'm not on any meds. Never been offered any and tbh they are not for me.
I can't take any time off. My case load is so massive it would only get worse if I wasn't there.
I've just had an interesting phone call with my OH which went along the lines of 'stop using me as an emotional punchbag. You never ask how I am'. I'm gutted. I knew he didn't really care about me, but he truly doesn't give a shit how I feel.

OP posts:
TedEriksen · 31/03/2017 12:50

I can't take any time off. My case load is so massive it would only get worse if I wasn't there.

Is there a supervisor, team leader, etc. you can trust to talk to about what you are going through? I know that work is likely the last place you want to know you are struggling, but people are usually better than you think and if you confide you could find they'll try to help in any way they can.

Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 12:58

In short, no. I took a day off this week as I felt like absolute rubbish and when I returned my boss shouted across the open plan office 'oh you're better now are you?' That's the kind of sympathy on offer.

OP posts:
Mrsbclinton · 31/03/2017 13:00

Are you treating the anemia, as this can make you feel truely awful.

Vist your doctor & ask for some help, take some time off work to give you a chance to rest and take some of the stress off you in the short term.
Take care x

Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 13:00

I am on my fourth attempt at counselling. First three were failures and I gave up. I'm only two sessions in to this time and it's making me feel very unstable. My husband doesn't know I'm having counselling. He'd use it as another example of how selfish I am so I've not told him.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/03/2017 13:01

Is your OH the primary carer?

What is your domestic set-up and how old are the DC?

JessicaEccles · 31/03/2017 13:03

'I'm not on any meds. Never been offered any and tbh they are not for me. '

AS the saying goes- 'Keep on doing what you have always done, and you'll keep on getting what you've always got'...

Meds will not solve the problems- but they can give you the emotional strength to keep your head above water.

Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 13:03

Yes I've been on iron tablets (the heavy duty ones) since dc3 was born three years ago. Problem is as soon as I stop I'm ill again. My prescription ran out a fortnight ago and I can't get a repeat until I've had a blood test and been reassessed. I know already though that I've slid back into anaemia. I can tell by the way I feel (dizzy, fuzzy headed, aching joints).

OP posts:
Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 13:06

He does childcare in the afternoons and evenings. I do mornings and weekends, so it's sort of split between us.

OP posts:
Flowerydems · 31/03/2017 13:08

I really think you should look into medication. My mental health nurse put it like this, if you had diabetes would you have a problem being prescribed insulin? Or cancer and refuse treatment. Mental health is health at the end of the day.

I was honestly not keen on going on medication, I kept pushing on and my breakdown ended up with me breaking up my marriage and hurting my kids feelings and me not being 'present'

Your oh doesn't sound like he's any help but it just means you have to help yourself, put you and the kids first, take a few days off and ignore what sympathy you think you won't get at work. Life's too short to be so unhappy

HappyJanuary · 31/03/2017 13:09

Would it be fair to say that your dh is under pressure too?

If he does childcare during the week and works shifts on the weekend, then neither of you is getting any downtime and he may be feeling exactly like you.

If you genuinely feel that he has nothing to complain about, and is getting a fairer deal than you, then you simply must find a way to talk so that he understands. Perhaps write down some ideas for improving things, so that it isn't a pointless moan? I always hate people bringing me problems if they haven't given some thought to the solutions too.

Personally I think it sounds like 'new job' is your answer but accept it is easier said than done. Maybe beginning to plan towards it would help, or telling your line manager how desperate you feel; they won't want you off with long term stress.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 31/03/2017 13:09

It's not clear what you want your husband to do?

You seem to be putting up blocks to any suggestions on this thread (and you have had three "failed" attempts at counselling in the past).

Perhaps he has run out of things to say to you. There is not much he can do about your health problems, your stressful job, your commute or his hours.

Or am I missing something?

RandomMess · 31/03/2017 13:13

TBH I think you need to go out and buy some Spatone or Floradix now and start taking it asap if you are that unwell. When is your blood test booked for?

Your relationship sounds awful, if you actually get signed off work long enough someone else will have to pick up the slack and that is preferable to you having a break-down because you are never the same again afterwards if it happens Sad

Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 13:22

He probably has run out of things to say to me about things. That doesn't mean to say I should just go 'oh well, you had a try. It's alright. I'll just go quietly insane without your help'. This man is supposed to be my partner and my support in life and I can't turn to him when I'm down. That's incredibly painful. It's like he loves me when I'm happy but I can fuck off when I'm not.

My attempts at counselling have failed because I found them too painful and too destabilising. I've got no one supporting me, just painting on a smile and pretending to be coping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haywirefire · 31/03/2017 13:29

My blood test is next week. I need to not take any supplements in advance because they need to get a measure of how low my iron drops once I stop supplementing it for a period of time.

OP posts:
HerbWoman · 31/03/2017 13:33

They need to work out why you're anaemic. Have you been tested for coeliac? That might fit with brain fog and aching joints too.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 31/03/2017 13:34

What do you want him to do? Is it practical support you need? Emotional support? Is he the best placed person in your life to provide what you need, because no one person can be all things to you, especially as he's already working FT shifts and providing childcare.

It's fucking hard living with someone with depression, and it's possible that you are using him as your emotional punch bag.

In his place, I'd not be happy that you won't give medication a go. Particularly after three failed attempts at counselling (which will be painful and destabilising; if it were easy no-one would need to pay good money to a counsellor).