DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

Just re-read my message and realised how unsympathetic it sounds - I'm sorry.

I just think you're very woolly on here about what he could do that would make a difference and I suspect he feels as much in the dark.

I haven't been tested for coeliac disease but I don't think it's that. I'm vegetarian so that doesn't help.

You don't have to do this you know. Can you reevaluate everything

I'm sorry you are suffering but mental health is a real health issue and you need to open your eyes to the brilliance of some medications. 2 examples :

I've heard the news yesterday of a friend who has just hung herself and left her two boys surviving without her.

My brother was severely mentally ill in his 20s, now takes lithium (everyday for life) and has a wonderful life and family now.

Please don't dismiss medication.

If he isn't able to offer emotional support at the moment, then it is down to you to make the changes you need made.

What would make a difference? Reducing your hours? Getting a cleaner? When are things going to improve, we don't know how old your DCs are, but some ages are harder and more expensive than others.

Work out how long you have to manage for, and what you need to tide you over. Then tell DH what you have planned, and tell him you didn't want to burden him with your emotions as 'he is tired too'.

Do try and get signed off for a fortnight to try antidepressants or anti anxiety meds. As someone who didn't take them when I should have, I regret it deeply.

I look at it this way. If he said to me 'I cannot cope with this anymore' I would talk to him, try to define the issue, think about options and what I could do to help. I say to him 'I can't cope with the kids today'. He either changes the subject or just goes 'ok'.
When I feel this desperate and in the grip of anxiety (sweating, shaking, shouting, often breaking things) I cannot rationally say to him ' I need you to do x'. I think it's unfair to suggest that.

I'm not dismissing medication. It can make the difference for other people. I know though it's not for me. I understand that that makes me at odds with most people, but it's how I see things.

Op please make an appointment to see your Gp to talk seriously about taking medication. Your husband cannot "cure" you and, for the sake of himself and your children, he cannot allow your anxiety and depression issues to consume your whole family. Your Gp can help you you just have to let them.

Coeliac isn't always obvious digestive issues. I was a vegetarian too, and had heavy periods, which doctors always assumed were the cause of my perennial anaemia. They weren't - coeliac was. Might be worth testing for that when you next have a blood test.

I realise that wasn't what you were posting about but if it is present it can have a huge impact on your physical and mental health, and consequently your ability to cope.

You have choices here but I don't think you're seeing them. Your current situation is unsustainable and if you're starting to feel that the only way out is suicide that should be a wake up call to make you take your situation seriously. You are not a hamster on a wheel, get off and address the problems.

You're coming across as being a martyr with regard to your work. You clearly need time off - quite possibly a 3 month stretch or similar - and it is your manager's responsibility to cover/redistribute your work during this absence. If you're not a union member join now before doing this so you have support in addressing any issues (you describe your manager as unsympathetic). You are not a slave, they don't own you.

See your GP. Be honest about how your're feeling. Start some antidepressants. Tell them you want to get to the bottom of why you're repeatedly becoming anaemic - basically it will be either dietary insufficiency, heavy periods, an gastrointestinal bleeding or absorption problem eg coeliac or a skin issue such as psoriasis. It is not ok to simply keep medicating you without searching for the cause. Get signed off work for an initial period eg a month.

Your expectations of your DP are unrealistic and unfair. You're being bloodyminded and trying to demand he helps you feel better when he cannot solve these problems.

OP it sounds like your heading for a breakdown. I've been there myself, I completely understand why you don't want to go down the medication route I didn't either. I did get to a place though where I needed them just to be able to function enough to get better. If you have a change of heart I found that beta blockers had an immediate effect on my anxiety which helped.
As pp have said, first thing to do is get signed off work to give yourself some time to get your physical and mental health better. Unless your job is performing life saving surgery that no one else can do, then it's not that important and they will cope without you for a while.
With regards to your DH, it might be that he just doesn't get it. Mine didn't until I came home from the doctors with a diagnosis of severe depression and an anxiety disorder. He now knows my moods better than I do and can spot when I'm going downhill. Your DH could also just be an uncaring, self centred, arse but now isn't the time to make that judgment as you really need to concentrate on yourself.
Your children need a mother who is healthy so if you don't feel you can let your work down for your own needs then do it for them.
Someone said to me once 'don't set yourself on fire trying to keep someone else warm'. I think it's good advice.

When I feel this desperate and in the grip of anxiety (sweating, shaking, shouting, often breaking things)

You are very unwell and behaving in a manner that must be terrifying for your children and partner. Please, see your GP urgently for everyone's sake.

You need to be more open to medication. Perhaps he thinks you dont want to help yourself. If youre actually in the midst of a breakdown, you need to try some medication

If medication is not for you and nor is counselling, what else can you try. Theyre both the kind of things that people do that want to help themselves

I'm not dismissing medication. It can make the difference for other people. I know though it's not for me. I understand that that makes me at odds with most people, but it's how I see things.

Dismissing it is exactly that you're doing.

And what, explicitly, do you want him to do if you say 'I can't cope with the kids today'? Do you want him to look after them (would that involve him missing work?), find a family member to look after them, buy in temporary childcare to look after them, phone one of your friends and ask the friend to sit with you so you and the friend are looking after them together?

You have to take steps to help yourself.

Op can you explain why the medications isn't for you?

There's a thread on here at the moment about a husband refusing to take anti histamines to sort out his sneezing and waking the baby. Your husband probably sees this the same way.

If the counselling was too distressing you must be dealing with a lot of stuff, you need help to do that.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but the conclusions I'm drawing from this are that it's ok for my husband to dismiss my current state and prioritise his own feelings because I must be a nightmare to live with and if I'd only get myself on pills things would all be ok? Is that really the answer? Or have I misunderstood?

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but the conclusions I'm drawing from this are that it's ok for my husband to dismiss my current state and prioritise his own feelings because I must be a nightmare to live with and if I'd only get myself on pills things would all be ok? Is that really the answer? Or have I misunderstood?

It's entirely appropriate for your DH to prioritise his own wellbeing, yes. If he goes down, if you drag him down with you, then the whole family will collapse. I'd actually go so far as to say it's his duty to your DC to prioritise his own wellbeing and keep the family afloat.

You do sound hard to live with, to be honest, yes. Everyone with depression and anxiety is.

You have no idea whether getting yourself on pills would make things OK because you haven't tried them. What you can say is that the things you've tried so far - counselling, soldiering on - haven't worked.

I should add - I've been where you are. I'm speaking from experience of being suicidal.

The only person who can help you is you.

Thanks for pointing out all my shortcomings. I will add them to the list he's given me. Small wonder I often conclude that everyone would be better off without me around.

Your DP is not professionally educated in effectively supporting you with this. You need to be helped by people who have that ability and responsibility. You need to stop attacking him for failing to provide something that no partner can.

Signs of serious illness are not 'shortcomings'.

I think what people are pointing out is you have a number of problems - anaemia, depression, stress etc and there are a number of things on offer to help with that (time off sick, tests for cause of anaemia, anti-depressants, counselling) but you don't really want to engage with any of them and you seem hyperfocussed on what you see as your DH's failure to support you. That isn't really that unusual with depression, you are hyperfocussing on the negatives and excluding the possibility of all help.

None of us know enough about your relationship outside your current other issues to say whether your h is just highly stressed by what you yourself describe about your emotional state and reactions or whether a real lack of support from him is making a bad situation worse. Everyone has focussed on help that they can determine would benefit you.

Counselling is usually bad at the start and then gets better, if you always quit it when it gets bad it won't help and you will lose faith in the therapy. If you did take some anti depressants it could help you make the most of the therapy, that is why people are suggesting it.

You can't expect to rely on anyone else to pull you through a difficult period, you have to find ways of doing it yourself. If that means time off to get your physical and mental health better and a short course of anti-depressants to help you see the therapy through it might be worth it.

I'm interested though, why it seems too much of an ask to expect my husband to support me? Do no other couples do this? Does everyone immediately seek professional help and drugs when they have a problem rather than asking their partner? I can't beilieve that this is true. If it is, what are relationships for?

It sounds like a combo of meds and counselling could help.

Won't you just try for day three months? If after that the meds are not working for you then ditch them.

I have a friend like you who is not remotely open up them - years later she is still miserable and depressed. I was open to them and they help to make everything much better...

Be open-minded.

What do you think the way forward is OP?

Have you talked to some friends about how you feel?

OP can you email your husband and tell him you feel suicidal? And on the edge. He's dismissive at the moment.

Also what's your normal day like? Can you make time to exercise after work? Exercise is a great alternative to antidepressants. It's got me through!