DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

I'm not the same poster as Sally

What a paranoid thing to suggest!

And BTW usual practice for the kind of anaemia the OP almost certainly has is high strength tablets then onto OTC ones and advice about diet.

If the GPs had concluded that she needed the high strength ones long term there would be no need for this cycle of coming off them and going back on them.

Haywire - I think that what you most need right now is practical assistance along the lines of mummytime's comment.

While I agree with Offred a lot, I also think there's a point past which trying to shake you out of this is not going to help. Trying to convince you that you are seeing things from a particular angle isn't going to help.

Practical does help, though.

A few years ago, I had a total breakdown, and when I look back at it with some perspective, the biggest gift my then-husband gave me was his total and utter inability to help or support me. In that moment when I realised that it wasn't fair and my world came crashing down around me, something became totally, crystal clear:

I was the only person who was going to get me out of this shit.

Not fair, not my fault, definitely not what I wanted. But, that rock-bottom realisation was enough for me to start getting help: regular counselling (yes, it's hard; yes, it gets better), regular exercise, and - you might not want to hear this - the dismantling of most of my life, from my marriage, to my home, to my job, to my relationships with my family (some of which got stronger as a result).

Just my 2c.

You might be the only person who can help you. I hope you do.

Haywirefire - I apologise.

On reflection I feel I may have been projecting and put my message across more harshly than I should have done. But you are right, you are doing your best and life is pretty crap for you at the moment. I do think it's something only you can fix but please accept that I say that with only the best of intentions.

I will leave this thread but I do sincerely apologise for making you feel even worse, you are right to call me on that as that is not ok.

Best wishes for your future. X

I just worry haywire that hitting rock bottom may result in you killing yourself.

The things I, and most others, have said are because we are/I am trying to suggest ways to stop yourself hitting rock bottom.

It's particularly risky to have a shit life for a long time IMO and then hit rock bottom. Suicide then appears very often as the only practical step.

Yes, I am concerned too, Offred and you make a good point. Saying that, my ex had to hit rock bottom too - and ideation was strong and frequent. He is now a very much changed man. (He does take ADs and is in therapy.)

Hi OP, i read your thread earlier in the week. I found myself thinking about you afterwards. I am really sorry you are feeling as bad as you are and I'm sorry you are not finding any support in your marriage.

Oddly reading your thread while feeling terrible has spurred me on to see my GP. I got a prescription for ADs this morning.

I am not pushing ADs on you. Rather I'm remember how angry i was last year - starting ADs signalled a very low point for me, i stopped them a while later.

I can understand that the focus on your mental health etc could feel like a really strong message that your feelings about your life and your relationship are not valid. I hear how sad and frustrating that is for you.

I don't know what your life is like, we just get a glimpse here. But i wanted to tell you that it is not good enough to be in a marriage where you are not loved supported and cared for. You absolutely do deserve better. I think you know that and are bewildered at not having that reinforced.

I think if you want to talk more about your relationship there will be posters here to listen.

Look, even if you feel you have no options, what about working out what separation might look like. To think about what are the barriers in your head as well as the practical barriers? I know you don't feel therapy has been useful but i wonder if you might consider it to think through these specific issues? I find therapy especially useful when considering specific problems.

Like many here i know what it's like to live on that brink day in day out. It's exhausting. You can't continue like you are.

Could you maybe read back and concentrate on the posts you find most useful. See if you can filter out the practical tips?