DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

For example it is clear that your anaemia is most likely simple iron deficiency rather than more complex, indicating it is not an absorption issue. That's why you are being given those particular tablets.

The most likely reason for that kind of anaemia your menstrual cycle in combination with a diet deficient in iron. It is common in women of childbearing age who have heavy periods and you can solve it by eating enough iron in your diet and/or taking over the counter supplements.

And your iron stores will deplete even if your ability to absorb iron is normal if it is caused by poor diet and menstrual bleeding.

One nurse practitioner told me to eat raw broccoli for breakfast. As you do.
One dietician told me to make sure I ate lentils. I obviously never thought of this before.
Offred, I'm not sure if you are in the U.K. or not but the NHS doesn't waste a huge amount of its minimal resources on this kind of ailment. They look at your blood test result, tell you you're anaemic, givevyou iton tablets to boost your iron stores and send you on your way. I'm beginning to think you are out to wind me up by keep suggesting that I'm being a pain in the arse for listening to the doctors and taking the tablets, but at the same time suggesting I'm not cooperating with doctors by taking their advice? And it's derailing the thread tbh.

So they have confirmed it is diet then and you are not just being given tablets/blood tests - you have seen a dietician and had advice re vegetarianism and your anaemia then.

Seriously - what do you expect other people to do? If your anaemia has been confirmed as dietary then you need to eat well and take supplements for the foreseeable future.

You can do that without bothering the gp about your anaemia.

And they DO investigate an unexplained anaemia. They investigate and come to a diagnosis and they give you treatment.

You have implied all through the thread that the GP is mismanaging your anaemia. The problem is that you are expecting the GP to manage your anaemia when, like many women of childbearing age, your diet is not sufficient to maintain your iron needs.

So if your life is very difficult to manage and you want to continue being vegetarian you just need to go and buy some iron tablets and stop this endless cycle of going to the gp and being ill so that they can check whether your diet is still insufficient - for six years it has been insufficient without supplements, that means it is safe to say it is insufficient. The blood tests will simply be to confirm to the GP that you can have them prescribed.

So there are three things you can do that aren't medicine for depression - 1. Get iron tablets OTC, 2. Get out of this crap relationship with this crap partner and 3. Give yourself a break from work by being signed off whilst you recover.

Offred, you're just ranting now and filling in gaps of what I've said with assumptions.
You've made your point, thanks.

Haywirefire, I can understand the difficulties you're having with your GPs, not seeing the same one everytime. Is there a smaller practice you could register with near you? If not request an extended appointment time, and make a list of what's on your mind, just hand it to him/her if you're too worked up to talk.

I've read through this thread a couple of times, and you've posted that you're finding it difficult to cope, your constantly anxious, desperate, suicidal thoughts.... These are classic signs of depression, but you're so dismissive that they're not, and you are convinced that the only way you'll start to feel better is by leaving your OH, or him leaving you. Would he really be so negative about counselling? Even if its just to make you both realise its not working.

You've mentioned 3 kids, what ages? Kids are little toerags at times, and if they can feel tension within the household, they're going to pick up on it, and play up. You may feel they are oblivious to everything, they're not.

With men, don't beat about the bush with them, leave hints etc, many are too obtuse to pick up on things. My OH is a prime candidate.... Tell him exactly how you're feeling, and what you want him to do. Do you ever ask him how he is feeling?

No one is that indispensable at work that they cannot take time off for illness! So take time off.... Self certificate initially till you can get a sick note. Then use this time to gather your thoughts.

Well, it seems like you have taken 4. Be angry with everyone else and do nothing to help yourself....

I hope you will realise one day that only you have the power to make a real difference to your own life.

Sorry, may have missed part of the thread, but If you are in England your GP can refer you for psychological treatment for your anxiety and depression and you would most likely be offered CBT - which is a more practical solutions focussed approach. It might suit you better than counselling. So it is worth making a GP appointment just about your mental health - they shouldn't only offer you tablets.

This is not to say your partner could be being more supportive. Both things can be true.

Welshwitch7 - I have tried being direct with my husband, but he doesn't want to hear that I'm not coping. I do ask him how he is all the time. I have supported him through periods of depression and physical illness too.
I've had a tough weekend with him just now. He's been rude and distant with me all weekend. I've spent the whole time organising things for the kids to do and arranging meeting with friends and he's been shitty with me throughout. He's gone off to bed tonight without talking to me and now I've got to get back to work tomorrow where I know a massive amount of work is waiting for me

Haywire

Your husband is being an arse - there is no question about that right now, but as Offred has said (who is not ranting IMO) you cannot change him.

You can want him to change, you can wish for (I suspect) the man you thought he was (been there - it's horribly painful) but that's not going to change him.

So, the iron thing - are you saying that even with the supplements your iron doesn't improve particularly so the Dr. just blindly prescribes more? Because that really would be worrying and would clearly indicate an absorption problem.

If you're not saying that, if the tablets work but 3 months or so down the line you are back on the same merry-go-round then unfortunately it is because you are not getting enough (it's absoliutely possible to eat raw broccoli for breakfast - I used to do it using a decent blender such as a Vitamix)

Do you actually feel any better when you are taking the iron tablets? (assuming that they do work and your blood results show that)? If not (and I suspect not) can you not see that something here in this mess has to give and right now that is YOU?! Don't you think you are more important than that? What will you do when you finally break down completely and end up hospitalised? What will your children do? What will your husband, with his nasty manipulative tactics, do with that information in your medical notes during a potential children's act court battle?

Of course that is all speculating but YOU have to look out for you because no bugger else is going to do it.

You say you cannot afford to stop work. OK - what if that choice was removed from your control? What would you do then? Because you'd have to do something - what would that something look like?

Right now you seem to want to control everything because, possibly, you feel like you have no control but what you're actually doing is setting yourself up to fail because at some point you, being a human being, are going to go bang.

I rarely post on mental health threads as I realise people are struggling and I would not want to make things worse for another human being but you really are an aggressive and difficult person and I absolutely feel sorry for your DH and kids.
So many people have offered you words of wisdom, support, advice and solutions to explore but you know best. Better than your GP, who is a medical expert, DH, who has to live with you, and your poor kids, who you claim are oblivious to what's going on but I promise you will be seeking help from somewhere in years to come for having you as a mum. I don't mean that unkindly but you are responsible for them and you won't fix anything or even try apart from blaming everyone else.
I totally get why no one wants to deal with you any more you really are obtuse.
Your poor poor children. Get a grip and do something rather than blame everyone else. It's your life and your job to fix it. And not try and fuck up your kids life in the process.

Bloody hell, Sally, that was more than a bit harsh. I'd stick to NOT commenting on my threads in future.

MH threads. Stupid phone.

Wow, thanks Sally. Glad you paused and thought about the impact of your words on someone who is having a tough time. That was a lovely thing to wake up to after a night of crying.
If you 'don't mean to be unkindly' try to refrain from telling strangers that they are fucking up their kids and that's it ok for their husband to ignore them as they are a nightmare. I'd go back to your default position of not commenting, if that's your contribution.

I agree that was really harsh and completely unhelpful. I hope Sally that you never descend into such a black pit that you cannot see a way out.

Haywirefire, have you tried the liquid iron from Holland and Barrett? It's absorbed and takes effect much faster than tablets and doesn't have some of the side effects like constipation. Id just take it every day.

I think its obvious you are really unhappy with your dh. At least if you split up and share custody you will get a bit of a break from the kids too and he will have to step up. The side effects of long term anaemia and the shitty way they make you feel would make anyone feel low. Never mind someone who is so busy with work and young kids.

The OP has been critical of the fact that this thread is even in the mental health section as she does not believe she has MH issues so I do not think she is your typical poster in this section. Criticism of me in that regard is not valid in my opinion. Others will disagree I'm sure.

Secondly there is no point being softly softly the OP has not taken on board any comments. Harsh comments are needed to make her see that she needs to change things for herself. Not blame everyone else for her issues.

Thirdly, I never said it was ok for your husband to ignore you. I simply said I felt sorry for him living with you as you really don't appear to want to help yourself. So many people have advised you that it is your job to fix yourself, and not your DH's. You can't blame him for something you can't do yourself. If he is not stepping up then you have to. You yourself said he has been trying, rightly or wrongly, to help you for years. Maybe he is tired of that role.

My harsh comments in respect of your children were to shock you into doing something. You keep mentioning suicide, yet seem to think they are oblivious to all that's going on. They know, on some level that things are not right. And that is not right.

I may be harsh but stop blaming everyone else, including me for my harshness, and start reading all the helpful posts and start actioning them. No one has said anything to deliberately upset you, I have been cruel to be kind, only to give you help and advice on what YOU can do. It's your life. But your inaction is making not only your life a bit crap but is affecting others. BUT you can change it, if you want to and I honestly am not sure if you do.

-Haywire you have more patience than I do, i'd've told offred to piss of pages ago and as for sally...

I guess it's the risk you run asking for advice off strangers and I do feel for you, there's plenty of kicking while you're down going on. No one can tell you how to fix anything, but you know that.

I'm sorry you had a shitty time over the weekend with dh being an arse.

Thanks Badweek. I have a sneaking suspicion that Offred and Sally may be the same person...but anyway.

And yes, the pitfalls of asking strangers for their thoughts is that you will get a range of responses. But Sally it's never ok to lay in to someone, with mental health issues or not, with opinions based on assumptions about how their life is. You actually know very little about me. I'm not interested in your 'tough love' approach. It is categorically not helpful. If you're keen on people taking advice, please take my advice on that.
I've also not been critical of this thread appearing in the mental health section. I queried it. I started it in the relationships bit but it got moved. I started it there because my unhappy relationship with my husband is actively contributing to the way I feel about everything in life. I'm also physically ill and overloaded with a very demanding job. These are all the things I feel I have very few options to change. My husband is currently not even talking to me (more than the basics) I'm not sure that all the advice of everyone who has taken time to comment (both positively and negatively) can change that.

Offered i get your point but buying iron tablets isn't going to cure anemia. Usually a person does need decent high strength ones from the GP. I tried with supplements and it didn't help, plus sometimes it's feratin levels instead too.

My tablets from the DR are 12 times the strength of the recommended dose in a supplement. Taking the daily recommend dose isn't enough to reverse things, as you need a daily amount and something to raise levels fast.

Okay - I have just skimmed the whole thread. I am in the UK, SE England.

Now the first thing that struck me is the your GPs are being crap (technical term).
You do need to go back - with one request. Why are you anaemic?
Sorry just handing out iron tablets every few months is not good enough. The things I would expect are: full blood work (Thyroid, Coeliacs etc.), probably a gynae investigation, then further tests if a cause is not found so far.

If you and your DH split - then that isn't you leaving the children, but you losing some excess fat.

Logically I would start making lists of how each thing is stressing you, and alternatives.
Job? Can you get something more local with less stress. Remember to include in salary calculations the cost of commuting/child care.
If he goes can you get a lodger? Could you get one who pays less and does some babysitting?
What other issues are there?

Oh and btw I use Ferrous Fumarate as an iron tablet, and find it works better for me.

Haywire. So sorry life is so shit for you at the moment. To be honest, I wouldn't be able to cope with your life, it sounds incredibly exhausting and stressful. I work full time, but just have 2 children, a 30 min commute, my health, and a supportive husband.

Do you know what I would do in your situation if I had the balls. I think you do? Change your life, make a fresh start. You only get one shot at this. Ok, you can't change jobs as you need flexible working and can't afford to earn less. Is it because of your mortgage? Leave DH, rent a house in a cheaper area, get a part time job, supplement your income through maintenance payments and working tax credits. Simplify your life. We live in Devon, which may not be for everyone, but is much calmer, laid back, simpler life than the SE which is where we used to be. You sound so trapped and stifled in your current situation.

Whatever you do, I sincerely hope things get better for you.