DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

Your last post highlights exactly how depressed you really are. Everything feels too much when you have depression, I so wish you would reconsider medication because it might just lift that cloud you're under enough for you to start to see your way through.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Op you absolutely need to see your gp. Even if all it achieves is letting your OH know that you are trying to help yourself.

I suffer with depression and anxiety. My exH also did. I got myself into counselling, stuck with it, went on medication and stuck with that, and worked out how to help myself feel better.

He started to have signs of it himself but refused to seek outside help and our relationship started to break down. Over time I was supportive and sympathetic to him but after a few years of it, and him refusing to do anything about it, I had to end it, for my own sake. I was struggling to keep my own head above water and keep it together for the DCs and there he was expecting me to support him too, but it willing to help himself at all.

Had he been willing to go to the doctor and ask for help, it would have made a huge difference to how I viewed the situation. I would have much more willing to support him and help him through.

Go and see your doctor, for all of your sakes.

You say you have to use your holiday to provide childcare. Where is your husband these two weeks?

Haywire, you poor soul, how can you possibly argue that you are not depressed? Non-depressed people don't constantly battle the wish to kill themselves.

You sound both exhausted and frantic.

How old are the children? Remember that an Easter holiday full of CBeebies, while not Facebook#soblessed#makingmemories material, is a damn sight better than a parent driven to actual despair.

Can the dc go to activity clubs some.days ?

You aren't alone op. You are in a very shitty place right now, I've been there too

I was working two jobs, doing my MA and spending every other minute doing housework and childcare. I had no friends and no social life at all.

It's taken a big shift for me to change things but now I'm a SAHM working flexible freelance contracts. My career progression is on hold and our earnings are down, but I'm able to cope with life and I'm being a better mum. It's how it has to be until the kids are older because I tried to "have it all" but couldn't cope. My OH had the shock of his life when I spacked it and resigned from my main job. He's has to step up but it's worked out for the best for all of us.

You need to take the advice offered here and STOP taking everything on by yourself. Slow down - let's things grind to a stop, let the dust settle and reevaluate what's important to you.

And yes, fire up CBeebies, stock up on baked beans, fish fingers and other quick easy meals and take as much of a break as you can over the Easter hols. Xx

Can I ask how much alcohol you drink Haywirefire?

Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and imagining not being alive is pretty close to a definition of depression.
I felt similarly angry with my DH when I was depressed - it was only after the treatment that I could recognise that he was struggling too and rather than propping each other up we were attacking each other. It wasn't his fault - he was just the easiest and closer person I could blame and he was. I'll equipped to deal with my problems.
We're still together and I won't pretend things are perfect but I try to remember his good points, why I married him and that he's a lovely dad and not just focus on what I think he lacks.

My husband is at work during the school hols. The kids can do clubs but I have to watch what I spend on them. There are no council run ones here anymore.
There's no point in me telling the GP anything. I will get a five minute appointment that will go like this. 'You're depressed. Go away and these tablets. Next!'

And the juggling I will have to do to get that appointment and childcare is enough to make me weep. It isn't worth it.

• ill equipped. I should proof read!

I don't really drink. Occasional binge on a school mum's night in the pub.

Haywire - I told my Gp how I was feeling and he cancelled three patients (they saw a different GP) and he sat and listened whilst I sobbed it all out.
And yes I did take AD's eventually and they bloody worked.
Make a double length appointment- prioritise it over everything, I had to beg for childcare and talk to them. IMR GP's take mental health issues very seriously- ring them in advance to explain beforehand if needs be.

*IME (fgs)

I couldn't do being a SAHM, even if we could afford it. I would be climbing the walls. I need to work to feel useful.

I feel a fraud being moved to the mental health board threads. If my bloody husband loved and cared for me then my problems could be solved. Instead he ignores me and tells me I use him as an emotional punchbag.
Apologies to anyone with really difficult issues they are tackling.

I can see that it feels insurmountable right now but you need to start breaking it down in to small steps.
Start with a GP appointment, lay it all out to there, consider the advice you get carefully, discount nothing, get your blood test done and back on the iron tablets and then start making whatever changes you need to feel better.

I'm sorry Haywire but this doesn't read to me that this is entirely your husband's fault.

I don't follow?

Ask your h to do just one thing
To watch the dc while you go to gp.
Book a double appt
Start taking control.
Talk about meds.
No one can force you but have the conversation

If your dh left then would you suddenly feel better?
Is there someone else friend family who can support you better ?

Really can't add anything to what has been said already.... except you owe it to Yourself... To explore every avenue available to help get you through this difficult time... Nobody wants to gave to take Anti-depressants.... I was one of tgem too... always said "Why should I go on medication so that everyone round me can carry on as normal"... But They Have Really Helped.... What Have You Got To Lose ????

If my DH left I would feel relief. I wouldn't have to make the decision. Be the first decision he'd made in 17 years though, so I'd be surprised.
And then I'd be fucked as I'd have to sell the house, care for the kids alone and still go to work.

Ok so say I do go to the GP. They offer me the pills. I say no. They offer me counselling. I'm having that already. What else are they going to say? I'm really sorry your life is shit?

No wonder you're depressed - living with a man you clearly loathe.

I still can't find it in myself to blame him when you won't do anything to help yourself, whilst shouting at him and breaking things.