DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

OP I can get where you are coming from with your DH. Mine is fine with me if I'm OK, but if I'm ill or run down boom off goes the switch. It's like a wall goes up around him, nothing goes through it and he can deflect everything I throw at him. I HATE it about him.
Can he honestly love me and be so cold at times? I don't honestly know. So yes I'm totally with you on that. And only you can decide if that's ok for the rest of your life.
But and this is a big but, you need to sort your anaemia out and find a better form of counselling. I went for traditional counselling and found myself even more worn down and depressed because of it. I went for CBT and found it made a huge difference. You touch on what hurts to deal with, but then you lock it away again and deal with techniques to help you cope. It was far far more helpful for me.
And get signed off work for heaven's sake. Feeling as you do, you can't be achieving much there anyway. Martyrs don't achieve anything other than martyrdom. Only you can step in here and put yourself together again. Not your DH. And for that you need time, energy and inclination. Just because he can ignore your breakdown gives you no excuse to do exactly the same.

I've not said no to therapy. I've said I'm finding counselling really destabilising which is why I've stopped in the past. One hour a fortnight to open Pandora's box and then pack it all away is not producing the unburdening effect as desired.
I can't divorce because we can't afford it.
I can't change jobs because I need flexible working hours (late starts) and my skills are limited. I can't live closer to work because I don't have a spare million to buy a house in central London.
My husband hasn't really ever been emotionally supportive. It's fine when I'm fine, but other than that no way. When I had post natal depression he had it too, only bigger and better and with more support and time off work. I got a leaflet and the threat of the psychiatric ward at the local hospital.

You talk about having a case load.... Are you inthe caring professions because if so, we have a duty to follow our Code of Conduct and get treatment for our own health concerns. This includes mental health concerns and physical health concerns.

I agree with many other pp's that you need a full assessment of your mental health as you sound both anxious and depressed, and these are both diagnosable illnesses, just like anaemia and coeliac disease. All of these illnesses have a course of treatment that includes pills, change of diet and change in thinking from going to therapy.

I really would like to ask you to have a full blood screen to include things like folate and ferritin and B12 and vitamin d. You could have a B12 deficiency anaemia and that makes you feel exhausted.

You also need to be tested for coeliac disease as anaemia is the most common symptom in adults.

And I am just going to add that not taking medication to help your serotonin levels when they are low is a daft as not following a gluten free diet if you can't tolerate that.

Good luck it is hard to work out what to do when you feel like you sound like you feel.

I totally understand where you are coming from re your DH, and the meds actually.

With DH, the thing is, there is nothing you can do about it. You have asked him to support you and show you he cares, he hasn't. You can't actually make him behave differently, it makes no difference if he's like that because he's an arse or whether he has no more capacity to help. At some point you have to decide whether to find a way to leave him or to settle. I've been there, I made my choice, you will make yours. But that isn't today's conversation.

With meds, again, I have been there. I tried ADs but my head span and I couldn't function with a toddler so I stopped. I struggle on and off for years, without meds. Two years ago I tried again, because of an incredibly stressful situation I was involved in, but because of my reluctance to take them stopped within a couple of months.

With hindsight, I wish I'd carried on. I have always felt I should change my circumstances, not medicate myself to tolerate it. I think I was wrong. Some circumstances are hard to change.

I'm interested though, why it seems too much of an ask to expect my husband to support me? Do no other couples do this? Does everyone immediately seek professional help and drugs when they have a problem rather than asking their partner? I can't beilieve that this is true. If it is, what are relationships for?

Of course in a normal relationship people lean on eachother from time to time when they're having a rough time, but what you are describing is extreme; suicidal thoughts, shouting, breaking things etc. The level of support you need is beyond what your DH can be reasonably expected to provide. You need professional help. Your DH is not a psychiatrist / doctor.

He is also probably less patient with you as you are coming across as expecting him to be responsible for your mental state, and will not tackle it yourself (won't medicate, won't take time off work, quit counselling several times). If my DH was in a similar mental state and wouldn't help himself, instead dumping it all on my doorstep, I would not be impressed either.

If you can't seek help for yourself then do it for your kids. They can do without seeing this unfold in front of them. You owe them to try ANYTHING to fix it even if you don't think it will work.

I really hope you find a way through this tricky time. Life does get better. Do you have support IRL apart from DH?

No-one really wants the financial consequences of separating (you don't need to divorce if you can't afford the court fees) but your children really can't afford losing one of their parents to a nervous breakdown or worse.

You need to do something. What is not possible is continuing on in the same manner. If your husband is emotionally unavailable and this has led to this then you must leave him, therapy for you or anti depressants cannot make him become a good husband. Conversely him being a good husband cannot provide you with any significant benefit re your mental health issues or work issues.

Haywire I think what people are getting at is that is everything is wrong what are you going to do to try and put it right? You can't continue down this path as it will have a huge effect on your children as well as your relationship so again I repeat....

See the doctor. Don't be dismissive of meds they work wonders and will help lift the fog.

Don't write ' I can't afford to divorce'. It's not a question of money. Costs buggar all to get the ball rolling emotionally if not physically.

I am the worst Person for taking time off when I should. The world will not stop without you. It helps you to re evaluate. Your children need you well and strong.

Lastly we are responsible for our own well being. I found it crippling when both my son and partner were ill with mental health problems as everything fell to me. And everyone sapped me for their own needs. Yes he could support you but do you think it's worth offering stuff back e.g. I am going to try this? .... that.....

My kids are oblivious to the situation. They exist entirely on their own planets! As long as I'm putting food in their mouths and handing the iPad over they are interested in very little else.
Re caseload - I'm not in the caring profession, so no concerns there.

Oh come on! Your kids are definitely not oblivious! Oblivious to you being dizzy, fatigued and achey and to you shouting and breaking things and to the tension between you and your h? Not possible.

If this has been going on long enough they may have become acclimatised to the environment at home but they will certainly not be oblivious and it is not good to be acclimatised to the above.

It's really tough haywire, when we feel like no one is looking after us. Young children need so much looking after. We often feel like DPs need looking after. Who is looking after us?

The fewer people around that will look after you, the more important it is that you look after yourself.

The point is everything is wrong but there is no way to put it right. Even if I divorce my husband and hope to find someone who loves and cares for me there is a massive amount of shit ahead of me that I cannot deal with. I'm too tired.
And no one IRL has got a clue about this. We are the perfect family to the outside world. My husband is the loving dote who does so much more childcare and housework that most other husbands and aren't I the lucky one? If only they knew he doesn't give a toss about me and the pressure I'm under. I'm not depressed, I'm overloaded.

Seriously, my kids are clueless. Me and my husband are rarely looking after them at the same time so they don't see how much we dislike each other.

There are things you can do. There always are living in a society like the uk - unless you don't live here?

It doesn't matter what other people think about your h, it is not their life or marriage.

You also need to let go of any thinking that someone nicer could save you. This will not happen. No matter how difficult things are you can only rely on you to make things better. You can get support from the right places but only you can decide to actually take control of your life.

Can you think of something concrete and tangible that your husband can do that would ease the load? Sometimes the emotionally disengaged will react better to a tangible goal.

There is plenty you can do. No one can do it for you.

What happened when you had PND? What treatment did you have?

So if you are not in a caring profession, then you are not letting down actual people, only systems and business so go and get a note from your GP that says you need a break and have a month off to try to sort out your anaemia and your relationship.

We have fought long and hard to have the right for sick pay in times of need...... Your brain needs a breather......

I didn't have any treatment for PND. I was only offered drugs and then berated for not taking them. I just got on with it and learned to live with the urge to take my own life.

If you start from a position that you want to get better then you need to look at what can be changed in the short term/medium term/long term. What can you carve out that would make a small difference?

How about tackling sleep? There is loads of stuff around to help with sleep issues that don't involve drugs. DH falls asleep to YouTube, and I've had YouTube in the background with rain effects or streams to help me nod off. Can you identify issues that affect your ability to sleep?

Do you realise though how things look from the outside?

You need to shit or get off the pot re your husband IMO. If you don't start caring for yourself and trying to care for and support him in whatever way you can he may well leave/divorce you.

If he divorces you he could just walk away and leave you with the kids full time and the job on a reduced income with a massive mortgage or he could start saying, and be able to prove, that you are unwell, not coping and have a history of refusing to engage with treatment.

Do you think you got better from that point?

Do you think an acceptable quality of life involves enduring urges to take your own life?

Wouldn't you prefer to not have those despairing thoughts and feelings?

It comes across as if you're deliberately denying yourself the opportunity to heal.

How old are your dc?
Could you take a walk with them get outside?
It sounds like you and dh are just getting from day to day.
I 've been on your dh side of the picture and as others said it is v difficult if the person won't consider medication. won't take time off stressful work. and continually blames the other person.

Only trained professionals can work with you to help you. Some one to pick things apart and help.you start addresing every thing in turn...

You talk about counselling and Pandora s box...suggesting there is some underlying problem.or issue which needs to be addressed in order to recover and move on
Your dh cannot do that for you.
It sounds really tough for everyone but you have to start with your own health and well being

If your dh is the issue then consider splitting for a while. If you think that he is the problem.

(My ex told.me I was the problem...then when I left he told people.he was depressed because I had left... really it was neither. Too much stress anxiety etc skews thinking. )

My insomnia is often waking around 3am and then not being able to go back to sleep. Once I'm awake I start thinking of the impossible list of things I have to do that day and start thinking I should just get up and get on with them. I also have night terrors which wake me and then I can't sleep again.

Mirtazipine knocked that on the head for me haywire and it massively improved my whole life having that extra strain removed. It is not an SSRI, it is an atypical antidepressant. It doesn't make me groggy or reduce the benefit of sleeping like sleeping tablets IME.

You are doing the kind of anxious thinking which when coupled with depression results in massively wasted time and energy because you are simply fixating on everything that is wrong without doing anything to make it better IMO.

I do blame him for a lot of how I feel, but then he is to blame and that's another story.
You're right, he might leave me, which would force the situation.
And I've just learned to live with the idea that I'm constantly thinking about opting out of life. I can't imagine not thinking that. It's become too hard wired as a coping mechanism.