DH ignoring my breakdown

[Haywirefire]

I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My DH has been ignoring the fact that I'm currently finding life impossible to cope with. I have a full time job, a long commute and three small kids. He works shifts at weekends so I do all the childcare then. My job is very stressful and on top of all of this I've got anemia. I'm exhausted and I'm getting to the point that I can't cope. I'm constantly anxious, I have insomnia and zero patience with anyone. I keep trying to start conversations with him telling him that I'm not coping with my anxiety or that I can't cope with the kids and he just changes the subject. Or worse he wades in with 'yeah I'm tired too'. I feel like I really don't matter to him. I would love to leave him, but im trapped by a massive mortgage and I wouldn't want to put the kids through a divorce. There are days where I feel like taking my own life is the only way out. I'm currently having counselling but all it is doing is highlighting to me that I have very few options, which is just making me feel more despondent. What can I do?

Has he ever been emotionally supportive OP?

It depends what support you are asking for TBH. If it is help with a job application because you are dyslexic that is one thing but if it is support with covering up you having murdered someone by lying to the police then that is another!

I agree that is seems like you are breaking down at the moment and not coping but I think that means you will not necessarily (you could be though) be reliable in your assessment of how reasonable your demands are or the burden they place on your h.

What is it you are wanting him to do? If you are having shouting kind of breakdowns but not properly engaging with support him saying 'stop using me as an emotional punchbag' seems plausibly reasonable TBH.

You sound like you're very very unwell with a combination of depression + exhaustion + anxiety. None of those are shortcomings, in the same way that if you had cancer or a heart problem, they wouldn't be shortcomings. But you'd seek treatment for cancer, and you must seek treatment for your depression and anxiety.

I speak as someone who had severe clinical depression for more than 20 years, and who has been suicidal several times. There is a way through this, but only by getting help.

That means more counselling and medication. There aren't any other options. Your illnesses won't go away by themselves, your husband can't fix things - and you need expert help to fight them and to cope with them.

What would you like your life to look life in 2 years? What changes would you like to have happened by then?

He may have no idea how to help or what to say.

You cannot change him, you can only work on you. You are in a tough place, I'm not going to deny that.

Re medications - ads can be like blood pressure medication. They are a good support at a pinch to buy you enough time to make the lifestyle changes that you need. Another analogy can be a cast for a broken leg. Ads are not for everyone, and it may be that they do not work for you. You may find it helpful to keep an open mind.

Can you get a babysitter for one day over the weekend? Paid for/family/friend/whatever? You may just spend a few hours sobbing or sleeping or whatever you need, but if you can even get an hour or two every weekend it may make a massive difference.

How do you commute? Is it possible to listen to a relaxing podcast/music/meditation during the commute? DH has an hour's drive each way and is currently working his way through the audio books of Sherlock Holmes. He finds it invaluable.

A risky suggestion - Could you ask your dh to take over one task and make it entirely his, and if it goes wrong he deals with consequences. Make it clear upfront that if there are consequences that he has to take the strain. It could be shopping, cooking, laundry, bill paying - something that you can just dump on him and forget. Tell him bluntly that if you don't have something taken off your shoulders then you literally cannot continue.

I hope this helps.

It is reasonable to expect support that a husband could reasonably be expected to provide.

I don't think many would tolerate repetitive offloading onto them, shouting and reluctance to really do anything that might reasonably be expected to help for a prolonged period because there is only so much someone can be expected to take of that before their mental health suffers.

That is how you are coming across but of course the reality could well be that your h's lack of support has existed for a prolonged period and has contributed to your mental health suffering and a breakdown in your ability to cope.

We can't tell.

However even if it is the latter the things that will help are the same - stop trying to make someone give you something they don't want to or can't give and seek support from services re the medical problems and from work for the work stress.

You know anxiety and depression can have a medical cause? Excess adrenaline made for no reason rushing around the body with nowhere to go causes anxiety (the physical effects you're feeling) something like a beta blocker prevents that happening so you don't feel shaky and panicky. A misfiring serotonin valve in your brain causes depression so you take something to regulate that valve.

It's not a weakness to take pills.. you'd take them for a headache or broken bone, you would take metformin or insulin for diabetes wouldn't you?

You've tried it your way and it doesn't work.

I don't just want this to be a discussion about taking medication. I've already said, it's not for me, so it's pointless to keep bashing me for it. It doesn't help. It also reinforced to me that a trip to the GP would be a waste of time too as all they would suggest would be drugs. I was hoping to get some relationship advice, not to be told that I'm the faulty one who can easily be fixed with something on prescription.

The relationship advice is that you need to be a responsible adult for your relationship to work, as does your h.

Being a responsible adult means ensuring that you are as reasonable as you can be in the demands you make of your h and that you take responsibility for your own health and wellbeing.

If you don't do those two things your relationship will and should fail for everyone's benefit.

Personally, I would try and get yourself feeling a bit better before you try to tackle your relationship and what DH could do to help you in these times.
You don't sound like you're in a fit state emotionally/physically to withstand heart to hearts and dishing out home truths to your DH.
Your immediate priority has to be you, and getting better by whatever means (it doesn't sound like your DH is in the right place to offer that support in the time required).
So....can you afford to get some childcare in just to give you time to sleep/exercise/go for a walk on your own/spend time with a friend??

If it is your work causing all this trouble, then you must quit before your health suffers. Money problems can actually be easier to deal with than health issues. You seem to be struggling with the latter quite a lot and I don't think you should continue.

No-one here is going to support emotional abuse whether that is as the result of a failure to offer reasonable support to a spouse having a breakdown or a feeling of entitlement to a spouse taking responsibility for your own health.

We are not telling you that your husband must be fine really because you sound nuts or that you are at fault here, we can't tell. We are just trying to (gently?) nudge you towards looking at the things you can control in your life and to make use of support there in order to get you through what is obviously a crisis period.

Quite simply if you won't see a GP or consider anti-depressants and can't manage to engage fully with therapy what are you going to do? You and not your husband.

Counselling doesn't work for everyone. Medication doesn't help everyone. Unless you try, you can't know. Something basic like a low dose of amitriptylene can help with anxiety and sleeping. Or a different type of counselling.

It is entirely possible your DP is a dick who won't support you. It's also possible that your depression and anxiety are so severe that you can not tell. This is why you need to see a GP or another professional who works in the field of mental health to work out what the best treatment for you is in order for you to be able to make choices about your relationship and your job (which sounds like it is a serious cause of your anxiety). It may be that a month on sick leave could help you - even if you take that month to find a new job.

I've been where you are more than once. It is utterly shit. But you need real support and it may be that with all the will in the world that your husband can't provide that - rather than refusing it. Sometimes the best course of action is the one we least want to take.

But what is it that you want your husband to do?

I can see what you want him not to do, which is to change the subject or bring up his own feelings, but what do you want him to do instead? More childcare, more work so that you can step back a bit, coming with you to the GP, doing joint counselling, listening to something from your past?

I have been on both sides of this divide, by the way.

(Because there is no chance that even the most supportive and perfect husband in the world can either support you through a crisis on his own or remove all of the stressors which are leading to the crisis)

You can't change your husband and if you believe he is the solution then you are bound to fail.

What people are suggesting is that your relationship will be problematic when one or both parties are stressed or depressed.

What do you want your husband to say? Do you feel you need permission to stay off work?

I have, to my shame, yelled at a very depressed husband that he needed to leave me alone and stop inflicting his feelings on me for a few minutes or I would totally lose the plot. he was also very, very resistant to medication and felt the counselling wasn't helping (I thought it was, he thought it was just more expense adding to more stress).

Op no one is making it about medication we're just pointing out that there may be an underlying medical reason.

At the end of the day you and your dh seem to be doing the ships in the night thing due to shifts etc. If he's reached the point where he doesn't know how to help you anymore then it may be causing this. I don't agree that he's going about it the right way but he maybe just doesn't know what you want.

You say that you need a break, but you won't take time off work. You want him to take notice but if you are hardly seeing each other maybe he doesn't realise it's as severe as this. I've been through a breakdown so I do understand but I think you need to figure out what you want and how you can help yourself before you expect him to read your mind

But with the evidence here, admittedly on an online forum, it's you not him. You're furious at home and pretty cross online. Your partner might be causing your breakdown but, regardless, it isn't his job to fix it. You are an adult and a mother. You have to go to the doctors and get your blood test and get your correct medication for anemia. Right off the bat you're fixing something horrible and fixable that is making you feel bad.

While you are there you need to book an appointment and ask the doctor for their opinion on what you should do regarding your mental health.

I'm really sorry that you find therapy so painful. I also found it pretty awful but was already feeling a bit better in myself because of the anti-depressants I'd been given. And home life improved.

You are clearly trying with the multiple tries at therapy, which is hard. Please just investigate the pill option. I hope you feel better soon.

I think your husband should be listening more, being supportive, taking your current state of mind more seriously - but to be honest, from your original post there is very little there that he can do anything about.

Even if he is the most supportive partner, he can't make your job any less stressful, and he can't cure insomnia, anxiety or depression. You need to see your GP about these - they are not things that just go away on their own.

Regarding counselling, friends of mine have said that it sometimes takes a lot of trial and error to find a counsellor that works for you. Every counsellor has different methods, approaches, etc. and you might click with one but not others. Ditching the notion of counselling might be hasty.

And TBH if he IS the problem and you won't consider divorce then what? What is going to happen?

No to therapy, no to medicine, not even an assessment by a GP, no to time off work, no to divorce.... this simply isn't reasonable....

It is how someone with depression often thinks but on the flipside the person with depression also has to choose to do something to try and help the situation.

OP are you willing to tell us more about your views on why medication isn't for you?

Do you think he would take over eg the laundry? If he were responsible for everything to do with the maintenance of clothing, would that be something that would give you a little breathing space? Would shopping and cookiing be better?

Is there something quantifiable that you can ask your husband to do? He may have absolutely no idea how to react or what to say and be falling back on platitudes.

So I guess the relationship advice is also if you really think your husband is causing or exacerbating your breakdown and that you don't need therapy or medicine, it is all to do with him, then you need to think about how you would go about separating and look into divorce properly.

Have you considered more holistic approaches, like avoiding caffeine (I couldn't do this), drinking chamomile tea at bedtime, finding five minutes for a brisk walk etc?

I have been hospitalised with depression. It isn't an easy place to be. I hope you feel better soon.

*I think your husband should be listening more, being supportive, taking your current state of mind more seriously - but to be honest, from your original post there is very little there that he can do anything about.

Even if he is the most supportive partner, he can't make your job any less stressful, and he can't cure insomnia, anxiety or depression. You need to see your GP about these - they are not things that just go away on their own. *

Couldn't agree more - you seem to be focussing entirely on what you see as your DH's failure to "support" you and insisting that, no, you can't possibly take time off sick (why the hell not? If you broke a leg you'd be off wouldn't you?) because of your work-load. Then speak to management/HR and tell them your work-load is unsustainable. You are also insisting that "medication isn't for you" but as you've not tried it then you can't possibly know.

The right anti-depressant can make a world of difference.

I understand you are awaiting treatment for your anaemia and can't do more in that respect but there ARE things you can do to help yourself rather than insisting that the problem is your DH's lack of support. It does sound as though he is doing quite a lot actually.

Living with someone with depression who is snappy, grouchy and refusing to face up to the fact that they aren't well and need help can be hell and can try the patience of a saint.