Struggling with telling anyone I feel close to "it" *trigger warning*

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I posted here before but can't find my thread.

I've been in hospital before for being suicidal with depression/anxiety (last year) and felt myself getting ill again a month or so ago. Went to the GP last week and am on ADs which worked for me before but I'm still having suicidal thoughts and more and more so thinking of plans etc. Thing is I don't feel like going back to the docs as they don't really believe you because lots of people with MH problems say they feel suicidal and you just blend in with them and maybe I won't pluck up enough courage anyway or feel better somehow.

My family know I'm not well again and want me to talk to them but I'm worried they'll either be dismissive or really upset and the guilt is already a catalyst for me as it is. I'm also worried about having DS taken off me if I tell anyone but haven't acted on it yet/do change my mind etc. I'd never put him at risk with my actions and that's clear from last year but it still worries me.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting. I swing between feeling calm/numb about it and feeling terrified. Had a bad night last night and thought someone was in the house/watching me. Just an anxiety thing but it was terrifying and I can't cope like this on my own anymore.

I forgot to namechange

I don't have any advice but here is a hand to hold and talk

Thank you. I feel bad for posting here as it's not fair on anyone to hear this stuff I just don't know what to do but I can't cope with the way things have been this last week.

I feel bad for posting here as it's not fair on anyone to hear this stuff

Dont worry about that - the good thing about MN is that people who don't want to hear or help don't have to. You will still get plenty of support from people who know what they are talking about.

A problem shared is a problem halved?

You say you don't feel you can talk to family. We are just strangers online. If you can talk here it might be easier and it might help.

I know very little about mental health I'll be honest but having lost a loved one possibly due to them feeling there was no other way I could never not listen

Sorry to hear that afreshstart I know it's a selfish thing to do & it's a desperation thing. The crisis team are crap and just come over to tell you you'll be alright & can't wait to discharge you (in the hope it'll calm you down I think but it has the opposite effect on me) and the only help I got last year was after my poor DM, who was also pissed off with the CT and my GP just took me to A&E. I haven't contacted the CT this time around because I'd rather talk to close family. But I'm feeling more and more secretive about it.

I feel very detatched and like everything is unreal (and have done all week pretty much) which isn't helping. I know I have at least a fortnight before the ADs really kick in and that's honestly just too far away to cope with being a single mum, living alone and dealing with all this mind-fuckery until then.

I'm not stupid. I know logically that I got through this twice before, I can do it again but I don't feel it and it doesn't do anything to relieve how I;m feeling now IYSWIM? I'm thinking of making an emergency appnt tomorrow morning but I feel very ashamed about the way I feel atm.

If you feel able to make an appointment I think that would be a wise move and I don't see any reason for you to be ashamed. Seeking help is the best thing for you and your dc. You shouldn't have to struggle alone

Is anyone able to help out with your dc?

Thank you I will go in tomorrow. Because of DS if nothing else. It sounds terrible but the love I have for him is the only thing I can still "feel" IYSWIM? Even if that's just in the form of guilt. Everything else feels so unreal and detatched. Like constant Deja Vu. I don't want to screw him up for life but then I genuinely feel like sticking around will mess him up too because I do sometimes get ill with depression and it's not nice for him to be around and the guilt I feel about that can be unbearable in itself. But then if DM had similar issues I know logically I'd rather she was here and depressed than dead. But then my thinking has just gotten so tangled up that I can't decide what's the most true out of all that. I'm taking it day by day because that's the best I can do atm.

I went last week to start my ADs. I'm not sure what they can do but I feel I should at least tell someone to give things a fair chance.

My brother has helped take DS out a bit during half term which has helped. His dad is having him next weekend (has been messing around with contact and not had him/seen him for ages which has been a stressor) and my DM just went on holiday to Amsterdam for the week but I do normally talk to her or my DB if I'm struggling. But I do spend about 90% of the time being a single parent/living alone etc which can be very isolating etc. I volunteer at a homeless charity but have withdrawn a lot this month as I feel too ill to handle it.

Orchard, it all sounds terrible. Feeling someone is watching you in your home must be terrifying; I think it's really positive that you were able to have the insight to know it was anxiety playing tricks on you.

It's not uncommon to feel worse before you feel better with AD's; a common side effect but one you do need to seek support from a HCP/GP. I'd really encourage you to seek some professional support. I know you mentioned a&e. mental health matters just as much as physical. If something was happening to you physically to jeopardise your life, you would be taken to hospital. The same should apply for your mental health and you really shoddy feel bad to go there to get some immediate help. Sending a hand to hold

It's good you have people to help out here and there
How old is your ds?
I am sure he would much rather you here and not well than not here at all yes

Another hand to hold here OP.

I haven't experienced what you're going through, but have an understanding through my Mum living through depression and anxiety. I hope you can get the help that you need to get you better again. Things that I know helped my Mum were talking to the Samaritans and support groups. It won't be long now before your ADs will kick in and that should take the edge off.

Keep talking on here until you can get your appointment .

He is 4. He's beautiful, lovely and happy and doesn't deserve any of this.

Thank you chesnut and Bananas. When I feel like I'm going mad I try to remember that if you were actually psychotic or therabouts you wouldn't likely know it which is reassuring. But it's still scary. I feel the need to keep looking behind me, in doorways and in cupboards etc. It sounds so silly written down I know. And recently two of my door handles in the house got jammed/fell off! So last night I had the stupid thought that maybe there was a presence in the house (I am not at all "woo" so not sure where that came from) and that's why I get the watched feeling and the handles thing was part of that. When really stressed I feel like someone is stood right behind me, but not touching me. Makes the hairs on my neck stand up but that's all part and parcel of it and I try to do deep breathing and just wait for the sensation to pass.

I know what you mean. It sounds silly to wait if you felt your life was in danger from a physical illness so why wait around when it's MH. But then no one can see what's happening on the inside like that and you get so many people who say they feel this way that it must be hard for them to know who to take seriously. I do have three incidents of overdose on my history (pre DS) and because I've been in hospital twice they do tend to listen. But I know i'd need to find the energy to tell them everything and admit how bad I feel and be insistent. I told my DB last night that I'm really struggling and likely going to the GP tomorrow and he has said if worst comes to worst he'll look after DS which helps. I just need the ADs to kick in and to not feel the same everyday all day.

And I find the Samaritans don't do anything for me because they can't suggest anything and I work myself up but they do seem to really help my uncle (bipolar) and I'm glad they helped your mum too

It sounds like you have great insight orchard! The breathing sounds good; have you heard of mindfulness? Might work for you if the breathing helps, but that's something for later!

I know a&e can be hit and miss in terms if mh, though I am generally hopeful that the message is out there and you would be supported and have access to the right person to help.

If the best course of action feels like waiting it out till tomorrow, what things can you practically put in place to keep yourself safe till then? Could you ask your brother to come over or you go to him? Or a friend to do the same. You don't have to go into how you are feeling but it would be someone to help keep you safe for now?

Thank you, I do meditate (the body-scan stuff) when I'm better as a prevention method which works well. But it's impossible to concentrate at the moment.

I know people frown on using A&E for MH but despite waiting hours to see anyone you still see someone quicker than you would at home. It can be really hard getting hold of the crisis team let alone getting help from them. Not their fault. There is just no money there these days, especially under out council.

I might call DB and will try to get out today, if anything because DS is full of beans and we've run out of essentials.

A&E is abused daily by time wasters with issues they should be seeing a GP/ pharmacist etc for. This is not you! You absolutely have every right to use this service if you need to. Do. It think twice about it if you need to. No decent nurse or doctor would think you shouldn't

I know how much hard work a 4 year old can be (have my own ). Must be exhausting when you are already feeling shit. Take the help that your brother is offering. Be kind to yourself

They are intense He's always full of beans, from 6am til 6pm and that's normally lovely and I roll with it but when I feel like this I just spend the day grinding my teeth and faking it as best I can. It is not very fun.

I just worry they'll see me as "one of those people" who can't keep their shit together/keeps reappearing with the same problem every few years and attention seeking etc. A lot of people do believe if you talk about suicide you won't do it but I think that's really misleading. If anything I find myself making lots of "jokes" about just doing it and talking about current affairs that are related (like Robin Williams) a lot. Not sure why.

Also, my DM is on holiday and I feel like maybe not telling her untill she gets back (next fri) if anything does need to happen.

You know what, who cares what they think?! You are your son are the most important thing here. If you have to get through a few misinformed fools first, then so be it. I hate the term attention seeking. I prefer to see it as attention needing, which right now you do!

For what it's worth, you sound incredibly strong, far more than you probably give yourself credit for. But even the strongest of us need help sometimes.

Calling your DB sounds a good idea. I too need to do a food shop and am trying to wrangle my full of beans monkeys into clothes to try and get us there!

Thank you. I'm glad I posted. It's made me realize I'm underreacting if anything. I am in trouble and should do something more about it. A friend is coming over who should be able to take me to the closest hosp' and my Db and his GF are coming over to watch DS and if needs be they will stay here and look after DS (my DB is out of work atm) whilst I get whatever help it is I need.

Feeling seriously embarassed and guilty of worrying people but swallowing my pride for DS's sake. Fingers crossed I can get some decent help

I'm glad people have been able to give you support.

Good luck,

I'm very glad to have popped back on to see that it's action stations for getting some help for you to feel well again. It's not fair that it's so hard when it's MH related, but you've managed to get through this twice now so you know you've got what you need to achieve that again and get through this tough time. Thinking of you, stay strong .

Another one thinking of you, orchard. Wishing you well for the journey ahead

Thank you. Am staying at my mum's house with my brother. She's still away but I'm using her bed. And crisis team are coming to see me at half ten tomorrow morning or so they say. They think I need my medication increased, to be put on something else to sleep and something to help more in the day. Also told them I had a bad experience of them last year but we agreed on things being different this time and I do feel safe and reassured